Topic ID: 18726
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sokool15
In the begining there was nothing and it exploded.
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 Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 5:58 am Post subject: Mercenary Wings 15 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:48 am; edited 1 time in total |
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TL G-Wooster
dear boy, do I LOOK like a military objective?
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| Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 9:50 am Post subject: |
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I don't think it was confusing; I got it. Tangles, tangles.... Brad and Kiera, Cat and the abducted Annie. 
I saw only this:
| sokool wrote: |
| His excellent vision enabled him to see every detail clearly, and he smiled as he saw King Raztik, talking to a guard on the front steps of his castle, a boyish grin lighting his face. |
Nix the comma. |
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C: Will you be all right?
H: As a dear friend of mine once said, 'Do I look like a military objective?'
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Poltergiest
Akatsuki Jam!
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| Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 2:05 pm Post subject: |
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YYYYEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! Perfect. Okay, first of all, I think you kinda slipped magic in there rather nicely. It wasn't too abrubt. I think I liked the thing about the price... Uh, in the begining I don't like how you had Marimamne say, "Cross my heart hope to die." That seems extremely childish and kind of unnessasarry.
I like the thing with the soilders and whatnot. Uh, poor Annie Witcher Bubber... Anyway, at least they got Cat. He he... Okay, thats just about it.
~Pol~ |
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kitty15
Your friendly neighbourhood kitten
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| Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 2:06 pm Post subject: |
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I liked the introduction of magic. I think it adds nicely to the story but poor Annie! Here's a few things I noticed -
"Hello, there, Brad. Nice to see you so again so soon.
"I'd better wait for Mariamne, see what she has to say..."
Frowning, he swung forward and dangled from a thick tree limb for a moment, letting his body swing gently back and forth until he came to a full stop.
Why didn't you take bring Brad with you, for goodness sake?
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Altogether, it's well written and there's a lot of action in this part which you handled well. Great job! |
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