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ohhewwo
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 Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:15 am Post subject: Untitled *suggestions needed* |
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The breath of
life
love
touches his parched lips
Liberates his soul from its
painful
burdenful
shakles his task master
The end of his life
his soul born anew
What the specter brought
only worry
but the breath he embraces
to repel the specter
He longs for the district
from which the breath came
This is a free verse poem I wrote last december. Kinda personal. Tell me what you think. |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:22 am Post subject: Re: Untitled *suggestions needed* |
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| ohhewwo wrote: |
The breath of
life
love
touches his parched lips |
What about:
The breath of life
Love touches his parched lips.
Anyway, I'm no poet, so that was really the only thing that I can comment on without making a fool of myself. Other than that, it doesn't really make much sense and didn't flow.....there were several places where I had to double back and reread-which you never want to make your readers do. It shows talent though, and I think it deserves the benefit of editing. |
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hekategirl
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:55 am Post subject: Re: Untitled *suggestions needed* |
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"Anyway, I'm no poet, so that was really the only thing that I can comment on without making a fool of myself. Other than that, it doesn't really make much sense and didn't flow.....there were several places where I had to double back and reread-which you never want to make your readers do. It shows talent though, and I think it deserves the benefit of editing"
I agree, this doesn't make much sense, it might make more sense if I knew the backround *you said it was personal* but like areida07 said it deserves the beifeit of editing  [/quote] |
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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Unfortunetly, I have to agree with the other two. This was hard to read, and didn't make all that much sense. It sounded nice, but when I actually tried to pinpoint what was being said, I couldn't. I think it could be made into something really great though. |
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ohhewwo
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| Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 9:58 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the replies. That was just something I wrote a while back. Just kinda writing thoughts. |
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Rei
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| Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 9:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Interesting, though I can't really imagine what sort of mmusic it would go with. |
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