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Watching Windows - Chapter 5
Watching Windows - Chapter 5

by CastlesInTheSky in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on August 6, 2007
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The Order of Atlantis: Elder's Secret Goto page 1, 2, 3  Next
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 5:37 am    Post subject: The Order of Atlantis: Elder's Secret Reply with quote

Chapter 1

Teenage Oddity

Water pelted down on the students as they ran for the safety of the school. Not the best day to have a band practice, but the Director decided to take the chance. It wasn’t until the lightning flashed that he decided to end the practice.

“This would have been easier if we could have pushed around the mud hole,” muttered Colin. He flipped his head back, trying to get the soaking brown hair out of his eyes. The marimba was long, heavy and difficult to maneuver through the throng of band students. It kept emitting random notes from it's hard wooden bars as the rain struck them.

I can do this, just one big push. With all the strength his sixteen-year-old body could muster, Colin managed to get the massive instrument out of the mud puddle. Though, he didn’t have enough strength to pull it onto the sidewalk now.

“I’m coming!” called Alice. She ran up the muddy hill with the bag of mallets they used in her hand. She lifted one end while Colin lifted the other and they finally got the marimba under shelter and onto a solid surface.

“Thanks,” Colin said to the wet and breathless Alice.

“No problem, see you inside,” she turned and walked off. Colin stared for a moment, thinking about her sharp blue eyes and long blonde hair. Not to mention the personality of a goddess. With a shake of realization he wheeled the instrument into the dry band room. The two xylophones were already pushed against the wall, out of the way.

Colin pushed it beside them, checking to make sure everything was dry and covered. The last thing needed was the five thousand dollar instrument’s keys warping from the water.

“Detail! Atten-tion!” Everyone in the room snapped into place, holding their fists in front of them and not moving a muscle. The Director stood on his podium, making sure no one was moving. “Good, we got a lot done today. Tomorrow will be our first show and we’ve got a song and a half charted. Still some rough spots, but Hendry High only has a half of their first song charted. I’ll see you all tomorrow in class.”

Dismiss us already, me feet are gonna fall off. Colin couldn’t help but shake, pushing the Marimba had taken more out of him than he thought.

“Detail! Dis-missed!”

“With Pride!” echoed across the bare walls of the room. As the crowd made its way out of the double doors Colin took a seat. He rubbed his grey eyes, a perfect match to the outside sky. The aspect of having to ride his scooter home in the pouring rain made Colin linger.

“Want a ride?” Alice asked, smiling her radiant smile.

“Thanks.”

The rain was falling faster and heavier. Colin decided to leave his scooter at school. He had a ride in tomorrow anyway, and who in their right mind would steal a cruddy little scooter? The blue Ford Explorer made its way through the rain. Windshield wipers at full blast, and yet, visibility was near impossible.

“I can't believe how hard it’s raining,” Alice said peering at the stoplight. Colin glared at it. He had the funniest feeling in his stomach. The world felt so slow. As light turned green, a rush of panic filled Colin.

“Wait!” he yelled, Alice had barely moved an inch before slamming on the brakes.

“What!” A car flew through the light, colliding with one of the oncoming vehicles. “Holy crap!” Alice stared at the wreck a moment before turning her eyes on Colin, “How…”

“I saw him,” Colin lied. How could he have seen anything in the down pour? She still stared, not really believing him. “We should go help.” Colin opened his door and walked out into the rain.

“What have I done!” cried the man who had hit the car. He stood transfixed, unable to do anything but cry and shake in the storm. A woman rubbed her head from the driver’s seat of the second car. She was dazed, unable to think straight.

Child…Colin made a dash for the passenger side of the car, the window was busted and the door jammed. She couldn’t have been more than ten, face drenched in on pouring blood, face white.

He pulled on the handle, hoping for it open, again he pulled. He had that funny feeling again, but different. He gave a final pull and the door screeched as it opened. It looked bad, the girl wasn’t breathing. Alice helped Colin get her to the ground. The rain started to thin.

CPR… CPR. He tilted her head back and breathed into her tiny lungs. Warmth spread into Colin’s hands as he started the compressions, trying desperately to not break the girls ribs.

“Five…six…” muttered Alice, counting Colin’s compressions. He placed a hand on the girl’s forehead, tilted her head back and breathed again. She stopped bleeding, her cut sealed up right before Colin’s eyes. “Colin?”

Colour returned to her stark white face. She didn’t cough or gurgle, but breathing resumed. Her eyes fluttered open and saw Colin. The sun had reappeared showing the young girl what could have only been an angel. People cheered when the girl made a noise. Only now did he realize how many people were crowded around them. Panic started to sweep him.

“Go now,” Colin whispered as he grabbed Alice’s arm. She seemed a little affronted by it but with a look at Colin’s face went along.

“You saved her,” she whispered after a few minutes of driving, “Why didn’t you stay?”

“People…I don’t handle people well.”

“You deal with people everyday.”

“School is different, I know most of them, and not everyone’s eyes are on me.”

“You know they’ll be looking for you, right?”

“Yeah…please don’t tell anyone.”

“Why! You did a good thing, why are you trying to hide from it!”

“Because, I don’t know how I did it! You saw it too, Her cut sewed up on its own without so much as a scar! Do you want to explain how that happened?” They rode in silence until Colin’s house came into view.

“I wont say anything,” she whispered as Colin made to get out. He leaned a little closer to her.

“Thank you,” their eyes locked. A rush of excitement filled him as they drew even closer. “See ya tomorrow,” Colin pulled back, as much as he hated to.

“Right, tomorrow,” she feigned a smile as colour filled her checks. Colin walked across the damp lawn, his sneakers squelching with each step.

“About time,” said Colin’s mother when he opened the door, “I have a life, and it doesn’t revolve around you.” The few moments of joy Colin had experienced were dosed at once.

“You keep saying that yet you constantly wait around for me. I’m sixteen, I don’t need you to hold my hand.” Her black eyes glinted with malice, ready to tell Colin off for back talking.

“What is wrong with your eyes?”

“What are you on about?” She took Colin’s head in her hand, glaring into his eyes. “What is wrong with you?” With wide eyes she let go of him, like he had a disease.

“Go to your room,” she swung around to the phone, long black hair hiding the number she dialed, “I told you to get your ass upstairs!”

With a last glance he went to his room. What is her deal, she’s acting even more hormonal today than usual. The computer in the corner was all Colin needed. If he was going to get the information, he needed to act fast.

The fan kicked on when he clicked the mouse. She really should never have let me have it, Colin thought as he hacked into the phone company’s central system. All the in going and out going calls were at his fingertips. With a few keystrokes, Colin was tapping into his phone.

A slight hum escaped his headphones. A moment of silence and then a voice, “Cassandra, are you sure of what you saw?” Cassandra?

“Of course I am!” Her whisper was hoarse, even terrified, “His eyes were swimming with it.”

“Wasn’t it just raining in Alan Port?”

“Damn it! His abilities are starting to manifest. If we don’t act soon the Order will be on him. We must turn him now!”

“Fine. We’ll have someone there in a few minutes.” The computer flashed, indicating the line had disconnected. Crap! Colin flicked off the screen and unplugged his wireless card. He couldn’t risk letting the computer sit in the phone company’s system. Footsteps were growing closer; he grabbed a book and pretended to read.

“I’m going out, someone should be here in a little while to check the air-conditioning. Let them in.” she peered at the computer a moment before turning her attention back to Colin.

“Fine,” he continued to read, desperate to not look guilty. She lingered a moment before going. He waited for the door to shut, the car to start and the sound of the engine to fade into the distance.

Within a few moments there was a knock at the front door. Colin checked his computer first. It was about the only source of enjoyment in the house; without it he might die of boredom. The doorbell rang through the house, “Coming!” Colin called out of instinct.

With a few skipped steps Colin landed on the first floor. Everything was so clean, only his mother hung around down here and she didn’t do much to cause a mess. Colin peered through the window of the door and saw the repairman, face hidden by his hat. He doesn’t look shady at all, he thought sarcastically, Should I even open the door?

“Hey, kid, open up.”

“I’m debating,” Colin called back.

“Debating? You’re mom called us to fix the AC.”

“Now that I think about it, the air’s working just fine, thanks.” I will not open the door. I don’t know what the hell is going on, but I will not open the door. Colin ran back upstairs and hid under his bed, as if he were a child. Something about the underside of his mattress felt safe. There was a deafening bang, the house vibrated and then everything was quiet.

Colin remained hidden under his bed, even when his mother returned. She peered into the room, but did not really check. He dared not move until late at night. He could hear the deep slumbering breathes traveling down the hall, giving the okay to come out.

“What is happening to me?” Colin stared at his dark ceiling. “Mom was a basket case before, but now…something’s wrong. I just wish I knew what was going on…”

It was nearly three in the morning when Colin drifted into a dreamless sleep. All he could hope for was a partially normal Friday.

Beep beep beep

Colin’s long arm stretched from under his sheets and slapped the alarm clock. He grumbled while he hoisted himself from the warm serenity of his bed. The sun was barely shining through the windows making it ideal for a run. As quiet as possible, he slipped on some shorts and running shoes.

Out the front door and across the lawn. Colin started at a jog on the sidewalk. He had thirty minutes to get his two miles in, the only way to keep in shape for the upcoming soccer season. The morning was wet and humid, like any other morning in Florida. Cars had dew spread across their windows as the grass glistened in the first morning’s light.

His slender physique had little trouble turning corners, or out running the dog that had gotten loose the night before.

“Bad dog! Bad dog!” Colin yelled as he ran. It nipped at his ankles, nearly able to sink its teeth into flesh when he made a daring jump over a fence. “Ha!” Colin mocked at the growling beast. Maybe I should try out for track.

“How was your run?” asked his mother when Colin returned. She sipped from her coffee mug and smiled.

“Fine, got chased by dog.”

“At least you escaped. You better go get a shower, your friends will be here soon to get you.” Was she actually being nice, something she rarely ever displayed to Colin. He sprinted up the stairs to the shower. The water was cool, relieving the heat of the run. A trickle of blood ran down his ankle into the drain from the where the dog had nicked him. It stung from the chlorine in the city water.

Clean and dry, Colin clothed himself in his red band shirt and a pair of jeans, the norm for a Friday. He scooped up his backpack when the sound of a massive truck engine entered the driveway. His mom gave a cheerful goodbye, and Colin left.

A tall, thick boy climbed out of the passenger seat of the big green truck. His football jersey was baggy without his pads under them.

“Hey, Colin.”

“Hey, Jared.” Colin pulled himself into the backseat, Jared into the front. “Hey, Jason.” The driver smiled into the rearview mirror, his green eyes matching his brother’s. The only way to really tell them apart was that Jason was number twenty-two and Jared was number twenty-five. Other than that they had the same sandy hairstyle, the same broad shoulders and the same effect on girls. Something Colin envied a little.

“Onward, to the prison!” Jared laughed, pointing out the window dramatically.


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Last edited by Adam_Atlantian on Wed Jun 18, 2008 5:11 am; edited 19 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 7:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
instrument out of the mod puddle


-I think you mean mud puddle. Wink

Quote:
The room snapped into place, holding their fists in front of them and not moving a muscle.


-It sounds as if the room itself moves. It's better to say 'everyone in the room snapped into place...'

Quote:
The blue Ford Explorer made its way through the rain.


-I advise you to atart it with an 'A' as we have not been exposed to it before.

Quote:
As the light turned green, a rush of panic filled Colin.


-I've inserted an 'as' to make the sentence sound better.

Quote:
“Wait!” Alice had barely moved an inch before slamming on the brakes.

“What!” A car flew through the light, colliding with one of the oncoming vehicles. “Holy crap!” Alice stared at the wreck a moment before turning her eyes on Colin, “How…”

“I saw him,” Colin lied. How could he have seen anything in the down pour? She still stared, not really believing him. “We should go help.” Colin opened his door and walked out into the rain


-I got a bit lost at this point as I wasn't exactly sure who was doing what. Was Alice driving? But I'm inclined to think she wasn't.

Quote:
“Want a ride?”

“Thanks.”


-Not sure who's talking.

Quote:
They rode in silence until Colin’s house came into view.


Quote:
I’m sixteen, I don’t (need?) you to hold my hand.”


Anyway, I really like the order of atlantis. The above may be a long list, but I love it all the same. There are no major problems involving plot and character and grammer can be sorted liek that *click*. You certainly held all my attention throughtout a long piece, something that is hard to do. I can see something likt this being pulished.

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 9:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sup Adam. Time to nitpick Smile (nitpicking means that your piece is good and that they are only picking on minor errors Very Happy )

Quote:
Tomorrow will be our first show and we've got a song and a half charted. Still some rough spots, but Hendry High only has a half of their first song charted.


I don't like "charted" being used twice like that.

Quote:
It was nearly three in the morning when Colin drifted into a dreamless sleep.


Dreamless works but problem is that there isn't such things as a dreamless sleep. You do dream everynight but tend to forgot most of it. Maybe use another word to show that he didn't remember his dream? lol sorry was being real nit picky there.

Quote:
Was she actually being nice, something she rarely ever displayed to Colin.


Looks like the question mark got eaten.

Review:

Man i'm starting to be a fan of this. Quite original and I like how you developed your characters. This reminds me of Cardcaptor Sakura and W.I.T.C.H in terms of starting the story with a normal human. However, you've done it better I believe.

Overall, I liked this. Throughly enjoyed it. Sorry if my review was short, it's very hard to say something when a written piece is very good.

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 2:08 pm    Post subject: Wonderful, Mysterious, but Could be Clearer Reply with quote

The descriptions and character development is wonderful, not to mention your brilliant plot set up. I have one thing that wasn't too clear, why was Colin's mother so mean? Was it just that she hated him, or was it because of his powers (Again, Great Set Up)? If this becomes more obvious as the novel goes on, then you've got not only a good mind but a great plot vehicle, but if it doesn't become more obvious as the novel goes on, it needs to. There were a few grammatical errors, but everyone else has posted those, and everyone makes those little errors of forgetting to put a word here or not use a comma there. You've got a great set up and I can't wait to read the rest of your story.!

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 6:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the Crits. They were very helpful.

-------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 2
At Last

Students bustled through the halls of Alan Port High School, avoiding the trashcans and rough brick walls. In a few minutes classes would start, creating a chaotic scramble.

“See ya in science,” Colin said, bidding his friends goodbye in the parking lot. He walked briskly towards the far side of the school. His first and favorite class was not exactly convenient to get to. After passing one group of students after another Colin arrived at the art room. Supplies littered the center table, mostly paint and brushes. Mrs. Serpser was checking over the table, making sure everything was accounted for.

“Good morning, Colin,” she said in her sweet dreamy voice. She pushed a soft brown lock behind her ear and continued her work.

“Morning,” Colin wandered to the back, pulled out his canvas and laid it on his desk. Almost done, maybe I’ll enter it in the art show. A flat acrylic earth stared back at Colin, a yellow, orange and red sun filled the top right corner and then there was the moon. A blank white circle, yet to be painted.

The first bell rang; Colin hurried along and grabbed some white and black paint. He had to be sitting done when the second bell rang or he’d be late. One by one his fellow art students entered. Only fifteen in all, not many people had made it to the advanced class. They talked for a few minutes until the bell rang out for the second time.

Attendance was recorded, school announcements reported over the PA system and at last it was time to get to work. Carefully, Colin started to fill in his moon. Mixing the white and black into different shades. Bit by bit the paint turned into the moon.

“Ouch!” Colin gripped his forehead, sharp pain raced across it. It became stronger, almost more than he could bear. He clutched the corner of the desk and squeezed, his knuckles turning white. Colour faded from his face, he tried to not cry out.

Images were swimming before him. Flashes, to fast to make out. Then there was his painting, the newly finished moon swimming with wet paint. It bled out onto the canvas, turning colours as it went.

“Colin!” Grey became black and then turned purple. A fiery trail zipped across starless space in the same dark colours. “Someone get the nurse!” There it was, bold and overpowering. The moon had turned into a comet; a black comet with purple flames. With a shuddering breath, Colin opened his eyes.

Worried looks and a white tile ceiling looked down upon him. The cold floor cradled Colin’s throbbing head. He tried to get up but a gentle hand pushed him back.

“The nurse is on her way,” said Mrs. Serpser, her eyes looked the most worried. Colin ran his hand across his forehead, seeing blood when he pulled it away. “I think you hit your head on the desk.”

The nurse checked Colin after bandaging his cut. He seemed fine, save the headache and gash.

“I suggest going to see your doctor sometime soon. It doesn’t look like anything serious but I can only do so much.” She patted Colin on the back before sending him back to class. He went straight to the restroom and looked in the mirror.

The massive white bandage was unsightly; he lifted it up and saw the cut underneath. It had stopped bleeding, but it looked far worse than the bandaging. Softly, he ran his finger across the cut. He thought of the girl from yesterday, he wound had sealed up after Colin placed his hand on it. He ran his finger across it again, thinking.

“Holy hell!” the cut grew together in an instant, leaving no sign of ever being there. Only the dried blood around the fresh skin could testify to there having ever been a wound. How is that possible? He removed the coverings and washed away the blood, good as new. “How will I ever explain this?” with that, Colin rewrapped his head. It was easier to wear his reason than explain something unexplainable.

The bell rang for second period. Colin dashed back to the art room. The crowd glanced at him and whispered a moment, nothing like Colin expected. He was positive staring and pointing would be part of this, he was more than happy to be wrong.

The paints were gone but Colin’s picture was still resting on the desk. He looked at it with wonder and confusion; his moon was gone, replaced by the black and purple comet. He couldn’t help but stare at it; the entity looked so out of place, far better than anything Colin could have done. As he looked at the rest of it he realized the whole panting looked different, better in every aspect.

Mrs. Serpser came into the room after the second bell; he was late to his next class. “Colin! I’m glad to see you up and about. You gave the class quite a fright.”

“Can I ask you something?” Colin said looking back at the painting.

“I’d be happy to write you pass to class.” She rummaged into a desk drawer.

“No, that’s not it, what happened? I don’t remember anything.”

“Well…I’m not really sure. A few of the people behind you said that you sort of scribbled across your canvas really fast and then fell forward and slid onto the floor.”

“Hmm… Thanks, I better get to class.” He put the painting away and rushed off to class. Math, dull and pointless as always gave way to English. A number of people questioned Colin’s head coverings; even more wanted to see the cut. Luckily the teachers stepped in, forcing the students to leave him be. Not that he could really pay attention, all he could see was that painting.

Colin was glad to have band class. Only a few people and the frantic need to practice for the night’s show drew all attention away from Colin. G, Bb, D…He struck the marimba with all his might. The soft yarn mallets forced the notes to spew from the instrument.

“Not bad,” said the director, “but you’re not going to impress anyone with that. Step it up, don’t be afraid to break the instruments.” It was always nice to be yelled encouragement, rather than how bad it sounded.

“I think we’re ready, don’t you?” Alice asked as they waited for the lunch bell. Colin smiled as he stuffed his music back into his bag. “So, what happened to your head?”

“It’s nothing, just a little cut.” She reached at the bandage. Colin swatted her hand away.

“Come on,” she moved to fast and the bandage fell away. Colin put it back before anyone noticed. “There’s…” Colin watched her face. He could see the connections being made. She knew what had happened, “how?”

“I don’t know…Alice, I’m kinda scared.”

“I can see why.” She dropped her voice to a whisper.

“You’re the only one who knows anything about this. My mom is acting weird too, I don’t know what to do.”

“Your mom always acts weird though. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure you’ll work through this…whatever it is.” The bell rang; Alice went off with her friends and Colin went back to the marimba, practicing his music from memory. It kept his mind from thinking about his painting or all the other odd things that seemed to happening lately. He practiced and practiced; the music playing in his head as the mallets pelted the bars.

“Ask her out,” Jared said during science class, “You know you want to. Go for it.”

“I can’t,” Colin said attempting to pay attention and take notes, “We’re in an odd spot right now.”

“You’re just too chicken to ask her. She can’t say yes if you don’t ask.”

“Jared,” said Mr. Veranda, “can you tell me what three atoms make up a molecule of water?” Jared stammered a bit, he hadn’t been listening at all, but Colin thought of the answer at once.

Two hydrogen and one oxygen.

“Two hydrogen and one oxygen.” Jared said with a sigh. The teacher gave a disapproving nod and continued. “Thanks,” he whispered to Colin.

“For what?”

“Telling me the answer.”

“I didn’t say anything.” Colin felt his stomach drop. He had a sinking suspicion he told Jared the answer through his mind.

“But…” Jared dropped it with another look from the teacher.

When the bell rang Colin sped off to his next class, trying to avoid any more questions. As much as he wanted to hide, he went on to his next class, history. Very little talking happened in this class. The teacher lectured on about the material in chapter eighteen. The only other sound was that of pens scribbling notes on paper.

“Since it is the weekend, I’m going to send home an essay for you all to do. It’s the same kind as will be on the AP exam.” There was a slight groan from the class, but they didn’t have much choice in the matter. “Try and do it like the real test, take forty five minutes and go for it. Just do your best.”

Colin collected his prompt just as the bell rang. The end of the day at last, only more class left, another band; this time the entire band was shuffling into the instrument storage room to get ready. This would be their last practice before the game, the last chance to get it right.

He wandered up to his marimba and pulled out the soft yarn mallets. Alice spun her hard plastic ones in her hand while the rest of the band warmed up. She had such skill, her arms moved like fluid when she played.

“Alright, said the director, “We’re gonna run through the show once. If there are no major mess ups well go through some of the stand songs.” The first song went along without any trouble; everyone had had the most practice with it. He second song was a bit rough, but still sounded pretty fair. The third song, however, fell apart within the first five measures.

Everyone laughed a little until the director went ballistic. His baton bounced off the floor as the colour went up his face, “You think it’s funny that you all screwed up!? You’ve had this music for over two months and you still cant play it!?” Colin and Alice slipped down below their instruments. The resounding bars made an excellent hiding spot when needed.

“I can’t believe how much he’s yelling,” Alice whispered to Colin, “For an old guy he has a great lung capacity.” They snickered a little.

“At least we know what we’re doing,” Colin said. The band burst into song again, causing him to scramble to his feet. Alice nearly fell trying to get back to her xylophone. It had become a more exhausting class than Colin had anticipated, they played one song and then another. Each time it seemed he had to bolt to another instrument; the cymbals, the vibraphone and even a brake drum.

“Remember to be here at six,” called the director before vanishing into his office.

“We’ve had better days,” said Alice. They hung around for a long time after class, talking and goofing around. She finally convinced him to get rid of the bandages.

“Good to see you here early,” said the director. Colin looked at his watch, it was five thirty; they had stayed at the school for two and a half hours!

“How did we…?”

“I don’t know,” Alice said, checking her cell phone, “but at least we won’t be late.” They hurried into the uniform room and collected there’s before the Tri-Hags came in. that was how they referred to the uniform crew. Each one of the three girls always had a scowl and a foul mood.

As the minutes passed, students arrived, most with fast food in tow. Colin was already moving all their instruments down to the field. The soft earth was just as hard to push through as the mud. He had to move fast before the administration closed the gate as they always did, forcing them to go around the school to a second entrance by the bleachers. With the last few minutes Colin rushed back to the band room, the P.I.T. was ready to go, along with the rest of the band.

They formed the line, Drumline first, followed by the woodwinds, then the brass instruments and ending with the Colour Guard. Down to the field they marched; left foot first. Colin never was any good at marching, he always lost track and ending up looking down at the other’s feet.

The steely bleachers clanked and rattled with every step. He took deep breaths as he walked to the last and highest row, trying to not look at the parking lot below.

“Just keep breathing, Colin,” whispered Alice, “You can move down a few seats once we play the Anthem.” He did so the moment they finished playing too, trying not to draw attention to himself with the clanking cymbals.

With the game underway, cheering spectators made it easy to forget the day. Allowing the constant action of football take over Colin’s mind, he let go of the day’s events for a while. Half time came and went with a powerful display of musical talent from both bands. Even with a poorly charted Show the opposing band made up for it in their music.

“I’m so tired…”breathed Colin as he lounged on the band room floor, everything was finally back in its proper place after a good thirty minutes of going back and forth to the field. Alice sat next to him, sipping on her barely cold soda.

“We’re done for another week,” she said, leaning back. The room was empty, save a few younger students. She finally rested her head on the beige coloured carpet. “You seemed to enjoy yourself tonight.”

“Yeah…I liked being normal for five minutes.” Colin fanned his shirt, allowing some cool air to dry the sweat on his flat stomach.

“Ya know, you were never really normal,” Alice giggled.

“Thanks, that makes me feel loads better.” He couldn’t help but laugh too.

“We should go, it’s nearly ten thirty.” Colin heaved his scooter into Alice’s backseat with the last bit of stamina he had before climbing into the passenger side.

It had gotten very dark now; only the orange of street lamps offered any visibility. Both were quiet, all attention was on staying awake; the radio made the Explorer shudder with each deafening blast, jostling the dozers into awareness. Colin’s house came into view after what seemed like ages.

“So,” Alice said unlocking the doors, “I guess I’ll see you Monday.” Colin could hear Jared in his head, Ask her! Ask her before I tackle you!

“Umm…. you think you might, well…err.”

“Spit it out Colin,” her face had hardened a bit, making the question all that more difficult.

“Do you wanna go to the movies with me tomorrow night?” she beamed, expression softening at once, colour rising in her cheeks.

“Of course,” she didn’t event think about it. It was like she had waited for a long time for the question, always ready to give the answer. Colin’s smile spread so far he feared his lip would split. “I’ll come get you at eight.”

With some nervous fumbling, Colin got his scooter out. New energy had burst within him. The Explorer drove off. He stared after it, wishing she’d just come back, or that tomorrow would start already.

It had been the best day of his life, and tomorrow would be even better. With a sigh he fall into bed, hoping for dreams of his dear Alice.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 8:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
“Holy hell!” the cut grew together in an instant, leaving no sign of ever being there.


I think there is a puncuation error here. It seems like it.

Quote:
He thought of the girl from yesterday, he wound had sealed up after Colin placed his hand on it.


A bit confusing. Try rewording it so that it is cleaner to read.

Quote:
Very little talking happened in this class.


I know what you mean but doesn't read right. I think you should reword it.

Quote:
They hurried into the uniform room and collected there’s before the Tri-Hags came in.


Their's.

Quote:
“Of course,” she didn’t event think about it.


Even, not event.

Oh my gosh! I love this chapter! The pacing is very good and I love the mystery that surrounds this chapter. Your descriptions are amazing and I could picture this very clearly.

The way this was written kept my interest throughout. So kudos to you for that because very few stories had kept my interest on YWS.

I can see something like this being published.

Keep going! I'm hooked.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 2:51 am    Post subject: Chapter 3 Reply with quote

Thanks for the Crit, Squallz. Much appreciated.

Chapter 3
A Life Once Normal

“Stupid essay,” muttered Colin as he tapped his pen on the desk; its glossy finish scratching with each hit. He stared down at his prompt: The causes and events that led to the American Revolution, Why they were important and who were key figures in these events. Then he looked at his textbook: Chapter 18: The American Revolution.

His Saturday was going to be wasted if he didn’t hurry up, only a few more hours until his date. That was the only thing keeping him going, knowing after months if hints and flirts, other boyfriends and breakups, Alice had finally received the message.

“Colin!” barked his mother from downstairs. With a little sigh Colin got up and headed downstairs, his mother seemed to have gone back to normal after the air-conditioning people called to tell her Colin hadn’t let them in.

“Yes,” he said, trying to see what chore she had prepared for him today.

“Here,” she thrust a list of groceries into his hand, “Get to the store and pick up that stuff.” Colin looked over the list; front and back were covered with things to get.

“I have a date tonight!” he protested, trying to think of how he would get all this stuff on his cruddy scooter.

“I don’t give a damn about what slut you’re going with,” she hissed, “Get your ass to the store and do as you’re told.” She marched off to the living room, flopped into a chair and opened her book.

“I’m taking the car then!” she didn’t respond. Colin snatched the car keys and slammed the door. He got to drive every once in a while, when the mood struck his mother, and it was rare.

If the list had been shorter he would have went to Martello’s, but the stock was thinning out lately, making it better to hit one of the bigger stores.

The drive there and back was nerve racking, a number of Alice’s friends worked at the supermarket. They all hade snide remarks to make about Colin going out with her, funny how fast things spread on a Saturday.

“Don’t you need a car to go on a date,” whispered Alice’s ex-boyfriend Mark as Colin walked through the store. He pushed the cart filled with stock slowly so he could spout off. “She’s not real partial to riding on the handle bars.” He laughed at his own joke until Colin was out of eyesight.

“Is that what you’re wearing?” remarked Quinn, Alice’s best friend. Colin simply glared at her. “I mean, Alice likes guys who look nice. You…don’t.” She continued running his items across the scanner, listening for the beep to tell her it went through. Luckily the manager was walking by and she gave up taunting Colin.

“Crap,” Colin looked at his watch; he only had thirty minutes left. The groceries flew into the backseat at amazing speed. Only the more fragile items were placed in carefully. Trying not speed, he headed home, hoping he would get there in time. He did need to change, but a shower was out of the question.

Would it kill you to help me? Colin thought as he got all the groceries inside. His mother still sat in the living room reading. He was down to five minutes, just enough to change cloths. He put on a dark green t-shirt, dark blue button down shirt and some slightly faded jean shorts. One of the pluses of having art for three years, knowing what colours looked nice together.

Now he waited. Sitting on the front porch, allowing the bugs to bite and the cool air to sting when the wind blew by. Ten minutes passed, then twenty, an hour went by. She’s not coming, Colin thought sadly. He had such high hopes for the night, a chance to show her how great they could be together. She seemed happy to say yes the night before.

“A no show, huh?” came his mother’s voice. She smirked from behind the screen door, “Can’t really blame her though, not that it was a her to start with. Or a him either, who on earth would want to date you.”

It was more than Colin could bare, not only had the only girl her really liked stood him up but his own mother refused to have any compassion for him, not that it was anything new.

“I’m going out.” Colin stood up and walked across the lawn and onward down the street. Not really sure where he was going as long as it was far away from his mother. The night air got colder as eight thirty rolled around. The full moon provided a dim glow for Him to see by.

“Colin!” A sky blue Ford Explorer screeched to a halt next to Colin. The door opened and Alice was looking at him, “I’m so sorry I’m late, your mom said you just started walking.”

“And of course, she didn’t give reason, right?” He climbed into the vehicle and shut his door with a little more force than intended.

“Well, most people know what she’s really like. Her pleasant front doesn’t work so well anymore.” Colin just shrugged. Pain had started shooting across his temple; it was all he could do to not lash out at her. The urge to scream about her stupid friends was nearly overpowering.

“So, where are we going then? The movie started like an hour ago.”

“There’s a sweet party out by the lakes at Francine’s house, should be fun.” She had a wild gleam in her eye that Colin had never seen before. Something told him it meant trouble.

“Let’s do it,” Colin decided. His wild side deserved to be walked on tonight.

Loud music boomed across the lawn. Woods on all sides buffered it to keep the neighbors from calling the police. Some of the cars parked on the lawn were rocking back and forth filled with the heat of teenage hormones.

“I’ll be back in a minute,” Alice yelled over the music. She vanished up the steps and into the house. People danced around, drinking and laughing. Colin, however, was uncomfortable. What was I thinking? I’ve never even been to a party. Or had a drink. It sure sounded nice in the Explorer.

“Colin!” Jason and Jared strolled across the lawn, both with looks of surprise and a touch of drunkenness. Jared stumbled a bit as he walked, laughing at his own sluggishness.

“We’ve been trying to get you to a party for a year,” said Jason, the more coherent of the two.

“Alice brought me. We missed the movie.”

“Screw the movie, parties are the best place for a date. Especially when the girl shugests it.” He burst into laughter, “Gonna have to watch my words, cant be slurring to the offishers.” His attention span ran out and he stumbled off after a girl he’d just noticed. Jared had leaned against a car and passed out.

“This is going to be an interesting night.” Colin wandered into the house. Even more people were packed in making it difficult to navigate. Finally he reached the table littered in drinks. Plastic cups; some empty, some full and some half-full. He eyed them suspiciously.

“You might want to make your own,” said a tall redheaded girl next to Colin. She looked so familiar but he couldn’t place her. “I’m Becca,” she extended a hand and Colin shook it.

“You play soccer, right?” She took a large gulp from her red plastic cup and nodded. She drew closer to Colin, dangerously close. He felt her hand slide underneath his shirt and she giggled at his expression. “I’m here with someone.”

“And?” her hand was coming down his shirt, headed south.

“Uhh…. Look! A shiny object.” Being drunk as she was, Becca looked over, giving Colin the minute he needed to make a break for it. His long legs carried him two steps at a time until he reached the second floor landing. This is right up Jason and Jared’s alley, plenty of slutty girls.

“I really shouldn’t,” came a female voice behind one of the bedroom doors. The music didn’t carry very well upstairs and no one was partying in the hall.

“But you know you want to.” This was a male voice. Colin recognized it at once, Mark. Anger started to bubble up inside him. His temples were throbbing against his skull as he opened the door to find Alice and Mark playing vacuum cleaner.

“Colin!” she screamed when her eyes met his. Mark grinned with triumph.

“I should have known this was to good to be true. This whole day has been nothing but a giant headache!” Colin turned and walked briskly down stairs, Alice and Mark hot on his heels.

“Colin, wait, I can explain,” said Alice, the crowd making it difficult for her to keep up with him.

“She can explain how she’s dumping you,” mocked Mark from behind her.

“Shut-up Mark, I dumped you!”

The music was pounding in Colin’s ears. All he could think about was beating Mark to a pulp. His head thumped with each blast of bass from the speakers, “Turn off that freakin’ music!” He threw his arm out as he spoke, a streak of something that looked an awful lot like lightning bounced through the crowd, striking the stereo.

Alice and Mark stared in shock. Even Colin couldn’t believe what he thought he just saw. No one else seemed to have noticed, they were all groaning about the music being stopped.

“Y-y-you’re a-a-a-a Freak!” bleated Mark, terror in his eyes when Colin turned around to face him. Something swelled up in Colin’s stomach like he was going to puke but instead, Mark flew across the room into the wall. The crowd had noticed this time; Alice’s scream didn’t help.

“Did you see what that kid did?”

“Is Mark okay?”

“Should we call 911?”

“How did he do that?” The whispers were far worse than the original noise. What do I do? Oh my gosh, what just happened? Have I killed him? Alice seemed to be wondering the same thing as she glanced at Mark’s motionless body.

“I…Uhh…” No words would form in Colin’s mouth. Everyone just kept staring from Colin to Mark, while they edged for the doors.

Screams erupted from the center of the crowd, drawing attention from Colin, “Calm down!” boomed a rough sandy voice, “We’re here to help you!” They paid no heed to the words as they stampeded for the exits. “Stupid teenagers. Sabrina, do it.”

“Right.” All Colin could see was the top of three hooded figures. A wind whooshed by and everyone started to hit the ground, a set of human dominos. Deep breathing and a few snores took the place of the screaming.

“They panic too easily,” muttered the gruff voice.

“They’re just kids, Cain,” said a calm female voice. Colin stared in fear, he was the only one not on the floor. Of all the movies he’d ever seen the hooded figures always killed the one person who stood out. Fake it! He flumped to the floor and shut his eyes, trying to look as natural as possible. Laughter spilled into his ears. Not cold laughter like his mother had but warm laughter like his friends had.

“Colin, We’re not here to hurt you,” said the female voice. With one eye Colin saw the strands of purple hair streaming out of the hood’s opening. She lowered it gently from her face revealing her smooth skin, violet eyes and breathtaking beauty. “Come on,” she offered a soft hand and lifted Colin to his feet with ease.

“W-who are you?” Colin stammered. They were the only words he could manage to form as the other two lowered their hoods as well. The rough voice had belonged to a very old looking man while the second, younger man hadn’t said a word yet.

“I’m Sabrina, that’s Cain,” she pointed to the older man, “and Luke,” pointing to the younger man. They both nodded pleasantly at Colin. He looked at all the people lying on the floor, wanting to ask more questions but unable to locate the necessary words.

“They’re just sleeping,” said Sabrina, “They’ll wake up in about an hour, but we’ll be long gone by then.”

“Tend to that young boy over there, Luke,” said Cain pointing to Mark.

“Yeah.” Luke stepped carefully as not to crunch anyone’s fingers or faces. He knelt by Mark and held his hands a few inches away from his face. Some sort of green aura surrounded him and then faded away. “Just a little concussion,” remarked Luke, “Nothing serious. He’ll be fine when he wakes up.”

“What was that light?” asked Colin before he could stop himself.

“It was just a healing, nothing to it really. You’ll learn how once we get to the city.”

“City?”

“You wouldn’t know, I suppose,” said Cain stepping closer to Colin; “You never were in Atlantis so you wouldn’t have any memories of it.” Colin stared in bewilderment, was it his mind playing tricks? Had this man really just said Atlantis? “You’ll see it soon enough though, come along then.” He made a grab for Colin’s arm.

“No,” Colin pulled it away, “I don’t think I should go with you. To be honest I think this is a dream. It has to be, I mean there is absolutely no way this is real.”

“Don’t be silly,” said Sabrina, “You’re one of us, a Psionic. You just zapped a stereo and flung a kid into a wall, how to deny that?”

“By waking up,” Colin closed his eyes. Then opened them. The cloaked people were still there. He closed them again and opened them, still there. On the third try all hopes of it being a dream had faded.

“You can’t stay here,” said Luke from behind him, “These people will remember what happened. You’ll be an outcast, not to mention that witch will know you’re powers have manifested.”

Witch? Psionic? These people are flippin’ crazy! Colin stepped back carefully. He realized he was pinned against the wall.

“Colin, please, just come with us,” pleaded Sabrina, “We really do just want to help you.” He groped at the solid wall behind him, trying to think of some way to escape. Come on, there must be a way. There has to be a way out of here! His room was clear in his mind: the soft warm bed, the stash of candies under his bed, his saxophone.

“Damn it!” Cain barked. Colin was vanishing before their eyes. He looked down and saw his body disappearing; his thoughts faltered as panic set in. The house and all the people were gone, Colin felt himself falling, his insides being pushed up to his throat. Water covered his body and Colin was submerged in a fountain on Main Street.

What the hell was that? He coughed and spluttered as he pulled himself out of the grungy fountain. There were no cars driving along the road allowing for some momentary relief. It took nearly an hour for him to get back home. His soggy clothes made all manner of sound as Colin attempted to sneak into his room.

His mother rolled over in her sleep causing Colin to freeze in her doorway, hoping and praying her eyes would stay shut, that she was in deep sleep. With another snore he continued to creep to his room and shut the door.

Stripping off the disgusting clothes Colin changed into some dry boxers and a t-shirt before climbing into bed. Was it really…real? It couldn’t have been. Surely I’m dreaming, surely. But I couldn’t wake up when I wanted to. Who can ever wake up when they want to? Just let it be a dream, Colin drifted off to sleep, seeing Alice’s horrified face before he slipped into deep slumber.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 11:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another good chapter. Nice pace and interesting turn of events. I liked chapter 2 more though, because of the mystery that surrounds that chapter. I also noticed you used common teenage sterotypes in the first half of the story. I think it's ok to use it in this context but I'm never a fan of the sterotype. It's just that adults and the media refer to it so much that it has became a cliche and well...I'm just annoyed at it. It's my personal opinion but yeah I'm letting you know.

The chapter doesn't really say much, besides the fact that three people from Atlantis is going to take him there. Still, I will read on and find the plot to this.

Andy

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2007 3:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chapter 4
The Abduction

Colin peered into the darkness. Something was moving there, something dreadful. He felt his pulse quicken as the sweat dripped from his nose. What was it? With a final decision, Colin ran into the darkness. As hard and fast possible, he had to outrun it.

“You wont escape me again,” sneered a cold, dominating voice, “At last you will be mine!” The force toppled him onto the unseen floor. Colin was flipped over and looking into the burning yellow eyes he screamed and fought. “Not this time, you’re mine now.”

“Someone help!” cried Colin. Pain shot through his body. He screamed out. Another shot, more screaming.

“So weak.” A hand grasped his neck; it squeezed. Colin felt his windpipe being crushed. His life was leaving him.

“H-h-h-hel….” He couldn’t get his word out, his voice was gone and all he could do was look into the yellow eyes.

“No!” A light burst through the darkness. The eyes vanished and Colin could breath again. He looked around the now white room. Warmth seemed to emit from the walls, a much safer place than he had been before.

Beep beep beep

“What is that?” Colin asked, getting to his feet.

Beep beep beep.

“Turn off that damn clock!” It sounded so far off. Something cold and wet hit Colin’s face, he sat up in his bed. The alarm clock was still sounding; he pushed the button and saw his mother glaring form the hall.

“What?” he asked getting out of bed.

“Go for a swim?” She pointed at the damp clothes on the floor. “I didn’t realize there was a pool at the movies.” She stomped off, vanishing down the stairs after another hateful look.

Colin picked up the wet clothes. I thought it was just a dream? Did all of that really happen? He sighed as he put them in the hamper. It was going to be a long day, not only did he have an essay left to do but all the chores and a late shift at work.

“Crap,” he muttered glancing at the two sentences he’d written on the paper. Now that he was looking at them, they didn’t look like a great start anyway. An hour dragged by as he flipped through his textbook, scanning for facts and data he could use. Not an easy task when every few minutes his mother called from downstairs to remind him of another chore he had to do.

“If you don’t hurry up it’ll be night before you get out there!” she called for the eleventh time. Colin shut the book and slammed it on his desk. He had nearly finished and decided it could wait till Monday if it would shut her up.

He threw on some shorts and sneakers before making a hasty trip to the door. The push mower squealed and squelched as Colin tried again and again to make it start.

“Come on,” he muttered patting the mower. A slight shock struck his finger, “Ow!” With a jerk, Colin snatched his hand back. Anger flooded him as he jumped up and kicked the machine as hard as he could. It started.

It became progressively hotter as he cut the grass. It hadn’t gotten very high, which was a blessing in the heat. As he got closer to the backyard he put his shirt over his head for some shelter from the heat.

“Don’t forget to pull out the weeds!” his mother called from the porch.

“Pull the weeds cinderelly, mow the lawn cinderelly,” Colin mocked as he looked at the back door scornfully. The heat was near unbearable. I’ll have a lovely sunburn from this I’m sure.

Colin sprinted to the shower once he’d finished the yard. He had to be at work in an hour and the sun was starting to set. His rusted little scooter didn’t have any lights on it, making it even more dangerous at night. As he put his uniform on, Colin snatched up his essay and a pen. The nightshift hardly had any customers. It would be the perfect time to get the homework wrapped up.

“Don’t be late,” said his mother as they passed in the hall.

“Then give me a ride.”

“I’m not your chauffeur.”

“Not much of a mother either!” Colin slammed the door as he pulled his scooter out from under the garage.

“You wont talk to me like that you little…” she stopped and stared. Colin felt something in the pit of his stomach. Anger was swelling up inside him, ready to retort to anything she had to say. With a look of shock she stormed back inside.

The scooter started after a few tries and Colin put it to top speed. He had to get to work and desperately wanted to get away from his mother. The houses blocked the setting sun for Colin as he drove, making it less hot and easier to see. Martello’s was only a few blocks away, but at least it was away from the house and school. A tiny general store trying to compete with giant chains and companies; the battle wasn’t going well.

Colin was most likely going to be fired any day now. The employee pool was shrinking as the store lost more and more money.

“I clocked you in,” Jared said as Colin neared the machine. He was lucky he had a friend to work with. No one else would have even noticed his absence, save the manager.

“Thanks, It’s been one of those days.”

“Another fight?”

“Of course, it wouldn’t be an ordinary day without one.” Colin walked to the back of the store with Jared. Several boxes had already been unpacked but another palette remained. “Shouldn’t there be more?”

“The place is going under,” Jared whispered, “I overheard Martello talking to the manager. He said everything is in the negatives and he’s having to declare bankruptcy.”

The palette rolled along while Colin thought of other places he could work. It had to be somewhere nearby or he’d never make in on the scooter. What am I gonna do? I can’t afford to lose my job. I’ll never get a car like this. A bottle slipped from Colin’s hand and crashed to the floor.

“Damn.” He bent down and started picking up the shards.

“Don’t worry with it, Colin.” said Jared, “Manager just told us to pack our lockers.”

“Are you joking?”

“Nope, We’re shut down.”

“A perfect ending to a perfect day,” muttered Colin.

“Meh, this wasn’t exactly the ideal job anyway. Come over to house for what’s left of the shift. I’m sure Jason would love some help with the history essay.” Jared left Colin to roll the stock back. No need to put it on the shelves now.

The storeroom was empty. Colin opened his storage locker and pulled out his history book, the essay tucked nicely within its pages. Just as he turned something black slinked behind a crate.

“H-hello?” Colin called nervously. No one responded. It was an eerie silence, as if someone were ignoring him. With a last glance Colin made a quick trot through the store. “Creepy!”

“What?” Jared had just hoisted Colin’s scooter into the back of his truck. The sudden out burst had given him a start.

“It’s nothing, just thought I saw something.” Colin gazed up at the starless sky, then at his watch. It was only six o’ clock. There should still have been a slight purple hue to the sky. “Hey Jared, isn’t it a little darker than it should be?”

“Now that you mention it…”

Blazion!” a ball of flame missed Colin by an inch and struck the side of the truck.

“What the hell!” yelled Jared as another flaming orb flew by. Colin hit the ground to avoid being hit. “Hey! Get the hell off of me! Who are you!”

“Jared!” Colin bolted forward. It was hard to see, all the lights were gone. A burst of heat engulfed Colin; the flames had hit him.

“Surrender, Colin Banks, or this child will die.”

“I’m not a child you son of a…” There was a thump from a fist to the stomach and then Jared gasped for air. Colin could barely move, his chest was burning but the flames had gone out. What’s happening? It hurts so much! I cant breathe!

“Colin!” it sounded familiar. That gruff voice, it was recent. The name, what was that name?

“Cain?” Colin gasped for air again, the burning was increasing. Lightning flashed through the parking lot, someone screamed in pain before hitting the ground with a thud. “Cant…b-b-brea…”

“Colin! Colin!” He had passed out from the pain.

The cold ocean cradled Colin; it was so refreshing he didn’t mind drowning in it. Something glimmered far off in the distance. It sparkled in the dark water, casting lights in all directions. Closer it came and the cold water started to heat up.

“What on earth is that?” Colin asked the heat was getting uncomfortable; painful even. Then, with a sudden flash of light, he was lying on a hard stone walkway. A woman was standing near a lighted fountain. A baby wailed in her arms.

“Umm, Hello?” there was no response. “I t-think I’m lost” He took a step forward. The stone echoed the footfall loudly; yet, there as still no indication he had been noticed.

“You cannot fight the power of darkness,” muttered the woman, “You will be his, another soldier to the army.” The baby screamed louder, it was obvious she was not his mother.”

“Hey!” yelled Colin with a bit more courage. The woman turned, but she was looking past Colin. Another flash of light left Colin in the White Room. Who had that woman been looking at?

“Hello? Is there any one there?” Only silence replied. “Where am I?” tiny fumes of silver mist rolled across the floor. They seemed to go on and on, only parting when Colin took a step.

“Colin!” It was far off, like before.

“If we cant have him no one will!”

“Colin, you must wake up!”

“Where is that?” asked Colin, turning in circles, trying to find the source of the voices. Time to wake up…

His eyes popped open as a dark cloaked figure raised a hand above him, “At last you die!” Colin flung his hands up defense, something bright burst from his palms. He peered through his fingers to see the attacker had vanished.

Purple hair dropped into Colin’s eyesight as the lights flickered back into life, “Way to go, I didn’t know you could do it.” He scrambled to his feet; it was the woman from last night. “Don’t tell me we’re still avoiding the truth.”

“I don’t know what the hell is going on, but you are all crazy!” Colin turned around and saw the old man kneeling over Jared. His heart dropped, Jared lay motionless next to his truck. Scorch marks had destroyed the once shiny paint job, and now it seemed Jared had been destroyed as well.

“I’m sorry,” said the younger man, “The witch got him before…” Colin ran to him, his friend couldn’t be dead. It wasn’t possible.

“Colin,” the older man said. He wanted to say more, yet the words were lost when he say Colin’s face.

“Cain, right?” The old man nodded, his grizzly features made him look ghastly in the streetlight, a cross shaped scar made a deep shadow across his face. All Colin could do was stare at his friend’s lifeless eyes, seeing, but not. “If I have these abilities…”

“No,” muttered Cain, “I’m afraid not.” With that hope left, there was no undoing it. “Do you understand now? You can’t stay here, witches will not hesitate to kill someone, anyone.”

“I guess…” Colin continued to stare, the pain was worse than the burning he had had in his chest.

“Luke, Sabrina, get us ready to leave.”

“Leaving so soon?” Colin looked up at the cold, empty voice he’d listened to for sixteen years. The cloak wafting around her ankles while she stared down from the top of the truck, “We’ve barely begun, son.”

“He is not your son!” bellowed Luke; a clear sphere of water pulsed from his palm, aimed at the woman. She leapt into the air like a bird, landing on the ground without a sound.

“Perhaps not, but I’ve had him longest.” She flicked her wrist. Luke and Sabrina hit the ground with a sickening crack. Cain rose to his feet and pelted her with bolts of lightning.

“Cassandra, Cassandra,” cackled Cain as she fought to deflect his attacks, “Surely you should know you wont get him. Colin is one of us, since the day he was born.” She leapt into the air again, resting atop a streetlamp.

“Birthright means nothing to me, you disgruntled old goat!” Cassandra laughed with glee as she sent a rain of fire down upon them. Cain swished his arms and a wall of water surrounded him, Colin and Jared’s body. “Damn you, Cain.”

Colin was tired of sitting still; he grabbed the keys from his scooter and flung them at Cassandra. She screamed in pain, not expecting a physical assault had been her mistake. Cain sneered at her as Colin searched for something else to hurl at her.

“Wretched boy!” She took a step forward. Her eye set on him, but she faltered. Fear spread across her face before she let out a horrific scream and vanished.

“Nicely done, Sabrina.” The purple haired woman was holding Luke up; her eyes were emitting a glow of violet.

“Witches are so easy,” she said dragging Luke with her, “I think he took a nasty hit on the head. We better go.”

“We can’t leave Jared!” Colin said. He wouldn’t leave his friend, no matter what.

“We can’t take him with us,” said Cain, “I’m sorry, but someone will find him eventually.” The words were so uncaring. His best friend was dead, why didn’t they care? Why weren’t they helping him do something? “If we don’t hurry we could be attacked again.”

“I wont leave him!” Cain sighed and held up his hand, there was a sudden jolt and flash of light. Colin fell to the ground unconscious. Jared…

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2007 4:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Judging from the title, this chapter was quite predictable. I think it could had been more metaphoric or something that doesn't reveal the conflict in the chapter.

I won't do a line to line because the words you chose fits very well and it just flows.

You describe things which are important. Never too much, never too less. It keeps track to the storyline. It is straight up and to the point. Good job on that.

I noticed the transition between scenes is a bit weak. The reader needs to read it carefully to understand what's happening. The link between the scenes could had been better enforced.

The action scene was well described. Simple and effective. I think it could had been more drawn out and a bit more detailed, but that's just my thoughts.

The ending isn't very good for this chapter and could had been expanded on. It was just awkward and doesn't really make the reader interested on what's happening next.

Overall though, I enjoyed reading this chapter and I wonder what fate lies ahead for our hero Colin. One thing though, in chapter 3, the threesome could had abducted Colin. Why in chapter 4? That could be explained more.

Good job Adam Smile

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 8:10 am    Post subject: Chapter 5 Reply with quote

Chapter 5
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“Not this again,” muttered Colin looking at the white walls. The silver mist was racing around his ankles, providing gentle warmth.

“Hello, Colin.” He spun around.

“J-Jared?”

“In the flesh, sort of. They asked me to come see you before I…went along.”

“They?” Jared smiled, the room transformed into a playground. The white sand sank under Colin’s feet. “What is this?”

“Where me and Jason first met you, don’t you remember?” Jared took a seat on the concrete barrier that formed the sandbox. Colin sat next to him, gazing at the past he didn’t remember. “Right there,” Jared pointed. At once a tiny, smaller version of Jason and Jared appeared. They were digging a hole, trying to see how deep the sandbox really was. “Our first year of school, it was a fair bit of fun. There you are.”

Behind a tree stood Colin, his brown hair cut far too short, clothes far too big for his tiny body. He looked around nervously, a small look of terror on his face. Why don’t I remember this?

“A lot of your mem