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Linden Dante
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 Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 4:16 pm Post subject: |
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Adam! I love the chapters that you put in, I know it sounds corny but I have nothing to critique. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time! I can't wait to see what happens next  -Crystal |
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Alteran
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| Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 4:48 am Post subject: Chapter 13 WC: 2838 |
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Chapter 13
Forbidden
The city emptied, the cars vanished from the skies and the people were absorbed into the buildings. All was quiet save the lone bus filled with students. The tower inched closer in the silence, time seeming to slow as Colin tried to make sense of what was happening. The black cloak was all he could see, blood dripping from its gleaming knife.
“Colin,” Melissa had taken a seat next to him, whispering in the lowest of tones, “It’ll be okay, there’s no way you could have done it.” He remained indifferent; emotions seemed to have abandoned him.
With a soft thud the bus took rest at the entrance to the tower. Groups of white robed people were already waiting, taking the students as they exited the vehicle. Luke and Sabrina waited with them; only they were not there for support or help. They took two random students and filed back into the tower with everyone else. Colin was taken by a stranger, separated and alone.
The lights were dim, many extinguished as the stranger in white nudged Colin along. The lifts sat quietly, none coming or going. They went along a hall and into a small room. The clicks of closing doors down the hall gave an even stronger sense of helplessness. He was motioned into a chair across a small wooden table.
Seconds seemed to stretch before the door opened. Flaming hair casting a glow into the room, “I will question this one,” Hades instructed the man. A quick bow and he scampered from the room. The door shut quietly.
“Colin Banks, the newest citizen in Atlantis. You haven’t been here long, less than a month, and here you sit.” Hades inhaled deeply, piercing Colin with a deep stare. “You reek of fear, do you have something to be afraid of? Punishment perhaps?”
“I didn’t do it, I already told you I didn’t kill Lamont.” A small ounce of sense came back to Colin. Enough to form understandable thought.
“Then who did? Who else was with you?”
“They were hidden under a black cloak. I couldn’t see their face.”
“How convenient. A very shaky story at best and with no witnesses it is difficult to prove. ” He paced in front of Colin, passing fleeting glances at him. “Do you really think you will escape from retribution? How do you plan to hide it?”
“Hide what?”
“Do not play games with me boy!” the room trembled; the red flames burned deep paralyzing blue as Colin cowered in his chair. “There has not been a murder in Atlantis in over a millennia, did you really think you could take your revenge and get by?”
“I d-didn’t-”
“I’ve heard enough, if you will not tell me the truth I will take it from you, may penitence be served.” He raised a cold black hand, palm inches from Colin head. Images flashed across his mind, hundreds of them all at once, searing through his eyes. Cassandra, his first years at school. Books, computers, cars, kids, everything he had ever seen. Every thought he ever had was bursting in his mind.
Colin gasped for air as the pain raced through him. Blood ran from his nose, hands causing the wooden chair to splinter in his tightening grasp.
“No!” everything went still, the images stopped at once and Colin heaved for air as he trembled in his chair. The door was open. A tall, muscular form taking up the empty space. His white hair curled to his shoulders, intertwining with his aged beard. Eyes a shimmering gold held Hades in place.
“Brother, I was just-” Hades began.
“I do not care,” boomed the well-built man, “You know the rules, you know the laws. You are not permitted to extract information from another’s mind. Under any circumstances.”
“But Zeus-”
“Do not make me repeat myself.” Stern and powerful, Zeus’ face was final “Join the others upstairs. You have nothing more to say to young Banks. The questioning is over.”
“He did it, I know he did. Just a few more seconds.”
“I have told you what to do,” the once stern face contorted into anger, the sound of electricity popping across the room, “Leave here at once and join the others.” Red flames returned and Hades stomped from the room. “Innocent until proven guilty,” Zeus muttered, loud enough to be heard but still more to himself than anyone.
Colin could not make himself stand, could not make any muscle move, only shiver from cold weariness. Zeus made no attempt at help; he merely nodded and left. Colin’s head ached; he was completely alone with no sense of time or being. Help me, please.
“Come, be safe.” The White Room flooded his senses. Safe and secure the warm voice invited him to a large red armchair. Squishy from the amount of fluff inside, it offered comfort. The aches and pains faded along with the sudden surge of memory. Warmth replaced cold and at last normalcy set in.
“Colin?” Luke’s voice broke the white silence. The chair faded, its soft comfort edging away as the cold dark room retook reality. “I’m so glad you’re okay, I didn’t mean for this to happen, but they wouldn’t let me take you. We need to get you home, before this escalates.”
“Escalates,” Cain scoffed from the corner, “I don’t think this could escalate any further without breaking the city shield.”
“Let’s just go, I’ve had enough of these over emotional teenagers,” Sabrina said. She grabbed Colin by the arm and helped support him. Once on his feet he balanced and made for the door, tired and annoyed. Why don’t they believe me? I know what I saw. I don’t even have a knife to cut him with. The lift chamber was coming back to life, people rising up and down.
A stout woman exited the lift, her face taught with restrained emotion. She turned, Colin recognized her from the bus earlier in the day only to have her lunge down the hall at him. Tears falling from her face and French spewing from her mouth. Her hand flattened and before anyone realized what was happened Colin was slapped to the floor.
“You ‘ave killed my zon, you American monzter.” She raised her hand in another assault only to be halted by Cain. His frail old arm caught her full weight without a second thought or waver in strength.
“Madam, I do not know who you think you are, but we do not tolerate assault on minors.” She wrenched free, spitting at Colin before leaving, her black hair whipping behind her raised head. “Another reason to leave quickly. Word is spreading that Colin was with the boy. We need to be gone before more fans arrive.”
They hurried along, back down the halls into a large parking area. Small and large vehicles were nestled close to each other. Light barely shone through the exit holes giving the place an eerie feeling. Sabrina’s car was clearly visible at the end of the garage, but Cain had another idea. He took them to a much smaller white car hovering a few inches from the ground. It’s front came to a sharp point along with its top.
“Cain, we can’t all fit in this.” Sabrina pointed to the two front seats.
“I know that, we’re hiding Luke and Colin in the storage compartment.”
“The trunk!?” Luke protested, “I understand Colin, but why do I have to get stuck in there too?”
“Thanks,” Colin mumbled.
“Well, It’s just-“
“Just get in, you’re as much a target as Colin at this point.” Cain pushed Luke a little, “I promise not to hit anything.”
Colin closed his eyes in the darkness of Cain’s trunk. Luke was pressed against him, being a bit taller no doubt made the ride all that more uncomfortable. The slow hum picked up speed as the car thrust forward. Knowing there was only a few inches of metal between the small compartment and open air was unsettling. Taking a few deep breaths he tried to push the thought from his mind, focusing on other things.
“My lesson!” Colin found a clear spot filled with panic.
“What?” Luke sounded bewildered; his face was hidden in darkness.
“My lesson with Isabella is in a few minutes, I’m going to miss it. Again.”
“I think it can slide again, I can show you some basic stuff at home, or Cain’s rather.”
“Isn’t this getting a little crazy? I mean you’re all going to an awful lot of trouble for something I didn’t do.”
“We know you didn’t do it, but there are more people, like Lamont’s mother, who wont think twice about whether you did it or not. We have to keep you out of their sight for a while. Just to be on the safe side.” Colin sighed, how could all this be happening so fast.
The car shuddered to a halt, causing Colin to bump his head. “What’s going on?” Luke breathed heavily, panic breaking his voice. “We’re not there yet…” The trunk door was ripped away, three people floated in the air, shining silver armor covering their muscular forms. The first man grabbed Colin’s ankle and jerked him from the car, holding him high. The street below was many stories away. Heart pumping faster, sweat forming and breathing quickening; Colin wanted to struggle, but fear had frozen his mind.
“What are you doing!” Cain stood atop his narrow car, glaring down at the men.
“This boy has been placed under protective custody of the Order. Zeus himself has asked he be placed in a high security sanctuary.”
“So you are going to man handle him and cause damage to my car? Idiots. You are members of the High Guard and you go around causing damage and fear. Go on then. I will be at the tower shortly to sort you all out.” Cain clambered back into his car, Luke opened his mouth for speech, but Colin was being taken away before he could say anything.
The air passed quickly, stinging Colin’s face with bitter cold. The guard holding him pulled him upright, forcing the blood to rush out of his brain. As the tower came closer, the altitude of the guards rose. Soon they were flying along side of the tower, higher and higher, the shimmering gold giving a blurred reflection of their passing.
The city spread out quietly, the tip of the tower easily seen from Colin’s eyes as the guard slowed to a halt by a small and dingy window. A second guard pushed the wall beneath the window, forcing it backwards and forming a gold-framed doorway. Colin was shoved in, the opening closing behind him.
There was no door, no bed, no books or any other comforts in the small stone room; only the light casting through the grimy window. “H-hello?” Colin whispered in the darkness. No response. Fear sank deeper into his soul, cold and deadly it made his senses sharper. Breathing became harsh as muscles held fast and revolted to movement.
Something stirred, deep inside Colin. Something warm and comforting that pushed back the fear and held tightly to it all at once. So faint, so strong it made everything fall away, leaving only it. But, what is it? He fell to his back. Staring at the black ceiling his eyes washed over in white. What is happening? Who’s there?
* * *
Zeus took his place in the council chambers. His wife, Hera, smiling falsely at his side, keeping her appearance before the others. With a slight creak from the high-backed chair, Zeus started the meeting.
“A very serious crime has been committed today. A murder-and a theft.” Zeus held himself strong, unwilling to show his emotion to the others. A helmet was placed on the table, small wings protruding from its sides. Odin rose to his feet as he pushed his gray cloak from around him.
“What was taken, Zeus? What did the boy have worth stealing?”
“His soul,” Hades spoke before Zeus could form the words, “Come on, oh intelligent Odin, surely you should be able to figure it out. Why would anyone murder anyone in Atlantis?”
“Hades, mind your tongue.” Zeus spoke firm and threateningly.
“No, I don’t understand why you’re letting that boy get away with this. It’s obviously him. He’s hiding things. Lots of things.”
“Colin des not have the knowledge or power to strip someone of their soul.”
“But Hades does,” Odin glared at Hades, his single eye casting a powerful glare.
“Please, I have no need of a soul. All I do is give them to the ferry. Something or someone did something to that soul before I got there. Who ever did it could not take the soul directly, but made it so the soul would be sucked away once it was released.” Hades turned to his brother, Zeus glared threateningly. “We all know only one thing could have generated such an effect.”
“Do not dare, Hades. Do not even think it.” Zeus never blinked, never backed down.
“Open your eyes, you know as well as anyone, Atlantis is not a sanctuary. We are under constant threat. You cannot keep living this dream of safety. It does not exist.” Hades was on his feet, head flaming with red.
“Enough.” The room shuddered, causing the stones to shift and the council to flinch. Anger was gone, only rage remained, “To imply that someone of the dark magic has come to Atlantis will not be tolerated. You have no proof, no evidence and no reason to think it.”
“If I may speak, darling.” Hera took her place by Zeus, silently; she took control of the room. “As tragic as all of this is, we must deal with the boy. He is clearly a threat to the safety of the city. I strongly suggest exiling him, or at the very least holding him in the tower – indefinitely. She tugged at her belt, making it come a little higher on her waist, as if to tell the others her word was final.
“No,” A tall, red clad woman rose to her feet, face hidden beneath a gleaming helmet. Her black hair curled from beneath and down her back. She ran a finger across her necklace, allowing it to shimmer a moment before speaking, “The boy has done no crime. He should be released and allowed to continue his training. Innocent until proven guilty, I believe, is the correct term for this instance.”
Hera held her smile, looking at the fierce agreement around the room at the red armored woman’s words. “Very well, Freya. In the spirit of freedom and justice he shall be released. However, I want it clearly known that I fully support disposing of him.”
“Noted,” Freya retook her seat, any expression of triumph hidden behind her armor.
“Very well, The boy is to be released back to Luke Banks,” Zeus was standing alone again, his wife sitting unhappily at his side, “A full investigation will be launched into this incident and all travel to and from the city is now restricted and to be heavily monitored. This council is adjourned.” In silence the room cleared. Zeus, the last to leave with many important tasks to complete, headed for the two hundred and ninety-sixth floor.
* * *
Colin sat quietly in the corner. No longer cold and barely afraid he continued to hold onto the warmth inside him. It seemed so strange; there was no light in his room, yet he could see as if there was. He just sat and stared at the wall opposite him, until the yelling started.
“This is absolutely ridiculous! How can you hold a boy up here like this?” The muffled sound was familiar. The darkness retook it’s place as the white fog vanished from Colin’ eyes.
“Please step aside,” it was Zeus, even through a wall his voice carried like thunder. The wall creaked and clacked as it pushed inward and slide to the side. Light drifted in timidly, frightened of the always-dark room.
“Colin!” Luke ran to him, wrapping his arms tightly and restricting air passage. “I’m so sorry. We’re going home right now.” He helped him to his feet, nearly dragging him into the hall.
Cain glared at Zeus, fists shaking, “You have let this get out of hand. Take control for once. Do what you know is right instead of what is good for the council. At least Freya and Hades still have some sense.”
“You are not going to speak like that to me. I am still your father”
“By blood, yes, but the father I once knew has left. And you disgrace him by carrying his name.” Without another look Cain stormed down the hall, Luke and Sabrina trailing behind him. Colin glanced back; the powerful Zeus he had seen was gone. Instead he was an old tired man. Weary of the days still passing and lost in the forever-moving river of time. |
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Squall
A scattered memory that's like a distant dream
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| Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 1:32 pm Post subject: |
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"gasps" Adam! Why didn't you tell me that you have a new chapter up lol -.-
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| All was quiet save the lone bus filled with students. |
I think there should be a comma in front of "quiet".
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| With a soft thud the bus took rest at the entrance to the tower. |
Comma in front of "thud".
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| “Do not play games with me boy!” |
A little nit pick here. The dialogue that followed before this one was well written and rather creative. This however seems a bit bland and rather trivial to the situation.
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| “Do not make me repeat myself.” Stern and powerful, Zeus’ face was final “Join the others upstairs. You have nothing more to say to young Banks. The questioning is over.” |
Shouldn't there be a full stop in front of "final"?
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| Once on his feet he balanced and made for the door, tired and annoyed. |
Comma in front of "feet".
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| Tears falling from her face and French spewing from her mouth. |
Tears fell from her face and French spewed from her mouth.
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| Her hand flattened and before anyone realized what was happened Colin was slapped to the floor. |
Comma in front of "happened".
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| Taking a few deep breaths he tried to push the thought from his mind, focusing on other things. |
Comma after "breaths".
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| “We know you didn’t do it, but there are more people, like Lamont’s mother, who wont think twice about whether you did it or not. We have to keep you out of their sight for a while. Just to be on the safe side.” |
There is a comma missing somewhere in "won't".
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| Colin sighed, how could all this be happening so fast. |
It should be a question.
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| “Colin des not have the knowledge or power to strip someone of their soul.” |
"Does".
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| Without another look Cain stormed down the hall, Luke and Sabrina trailing behind him. |
Comma after "look".
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| Instead he was an old tired man. Weary of the days still passing and lost in the forever-moving river of time. |
If it was me, I would had put a comma after "instead" and replace the fullstop after man with a comma too.
Overall impressions:
This chapter is very good, but I'm a bit disappointed with some minor aspects of this otherwise well crafted chapter.
I love the imagery that you've used throughout the piece, and especially near the beginning. It is well thought out and really fits well with the current situation regarding the plot. The reason as to why I loved the imagery near the beginning so much is because it really gives an impression as to how helpless he is and how he is exiled from the very society of Atlantis itself. Kudos to you on that.
Dialogue was very well done, though at times, I thought it could had been a bit more creative and not be so trivial and obvious. I think that's partly one of the reasons as to why Zeus and the other members of the council doesn't hold much character development (more on that later).
Probably the main highlight of this chapter would be the actual plot itself. I enjoyed as to the many conflicts (both internal and external) which took place in this chapter as a result of the recent murder. Colin had his memories extracted, but was stopped by another member of the council that it is against the law to be taking a person's memory just to simply prove that Colin is guilty. This is rather interesting, as it makes the reader question the allegiance among the members of the council and their view point of Atlantis.
Colin is then left alone, but was later taken by both Sabrina and Luke in an attempt to deliver him to safety. That failed, when he was recaptured and was to be kept in a high security sanctuary within Atlantis, since he was a suspect of the murder. The members of the council debates amongst themselves as to what has happened as a result of the recent events and how they plan to deal with Colin, for they suspect Colin as the murderer and justice must be served. Two methods were brought up as to how to deal with Colin until they were reminded that Colin is innocent until proven guilty, showing the justice system that operates in Atlantis and very relevant to the plot itself. Colin is released for now, until he is proven guilty in which case, he would be subjected to the favored method of being exiled from Atlantis, which serves to be another important plot point.
Then we are shown more specifically as to the different view points of characters with the justice system of Atlantis. Cain is shown to be the son of Zeus, yet, they aren't close, for they have varying view points. Cain accuses his father, Zeus, for lacking sense due to his decision of sending Colin to the sanctuary, since Colin is not yet proven guilty yet. However, Colin was the closest one to the crime scene, which gives a feasible reasons as to why Colin should be kept in detention and also justifies Zeus's view point quite well. That's quite well thought out in my opinion.
I'm very interested as to what would happen next. The fantasy has a lot of vitality when it comes to the plot, and I can see why as to why you would slowly allow the reader to feel adjusted with Collin's new environment.
Now for the bad things. The first complaint that I'm making depends on really as to how someone (even the author) would view their story. For example, FFXII had moderate amounts of character development, for the story itself is based on political intrigue and the majority rather than the actual characters themselves, hence making it story driven rather than character driven.
In this case. the members of the council seem a bit bland, character wise. I felt as though they were somewhat like cameos taken from several mythologies rather than being adapted to being your characters. Don't get me wrong, you did try to define them in your fantasy, but I personally felt that they could had been more fleshed out. We aren't shown much on the individual characterization of Zeus or other members of the council, other than being shown their place in the plot of "Atlantis". I suggest that you try to flesh them out more, and make them feel more like your own characters.
I also think that Colin's actual thoughts and emotion could have been explored deeper. Though I do have some sympathy for Colin, there isn't much that really makes me think deeper about Colin's thoughts and feelings regarding to what is happening. It's kinda hard for me to actually explain this point, but I felt that a writer of your skill should be able to explore Colin's emotions and thoughts a bit further.
But overall, this is a very gripping and well written chapter, and I'm pleased that I've read the next chapter in this fantasy (even though I wasn't informed that it was up lol probably my fault).
I hope my critique helped.
Andy. |
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Alteran
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 4:22 am Post subject: Ch 14 WC: 2719 |
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Chapter 14
Alone
Sleep never found Colin, he stared at the ceiling listening to the over activity of the night. The city was buzzing and every sound made his head throb. Panic was strong, along with fear and sadness. It was clear that death, while not uncommon in Atlantis, had a very devastating effect.
So, This is how it’s going to be? One slap after another I guess. I wonder if I should bother going to school tomorrow. I wonder if Luke will even let me. At least he still believes me. Maybe other people do to. Maybe…
The tap was faint, barely recognizable from the city buzz, but as Colin looked to his window someone was floating in front of it. Melissa. She motioned quickly to be let in. Colin crawled from his bed and pattered across the hard wood floors releasing the lock and permitting his visitor inside.
“What are you doing here?” Colin whispered, hoping Luke was fast asleep.
“I don’t really know.” Melissa strolled his room, eyeing the bare walls and near empty closet. “You don’t have much. Especially for someone like you.”
“Like me? How do you even know where I live?”
“All vehicles leave a trail, I just had to look for the vehicle trail and get the address.” She plopped onto his bed, hopping a bit to test its bounciness.
“Sounds like hacking to me.”
“A bit, take a fair bit of cleverness to get around the city firewalls undetected too.”
“I can imagine.” The initial shock had gone and Colin felt safe. Well as safe as he could, considering he could be caught by Luke at any moment. “So, What are you doing here?”
She shrugged, vaguely looking at him, “I guess I had to check on you. That was quite the scare at the football stadium. It’s funny really, we’ve only just met and I feel attached.”
“You seemed mad to me. Besides, you seem to have a pretty good relationship with your sister.”
“Yes, but a sister is just that, a sister. Not really someone I can share anything with. Maybe some siblings can, but I’ve never felt comfortable enough to do that with her. Maybe I’m just weird.” Melissa pulled at her blonde hair a moment, lost in thought.
Silence echoed louder than any word could. “Are you coming to school tomorrow?” Melissa broke the silence, a glimmer of concern in her voice.
“Maybe, I don’t know. It might not be safe for me there anymore.” Colin remembered his first day of school, wondering if anyone would save him again.
“You’ll be fine, the only students who might do something are all suspended for beating you up the first time.”
“That’s not really comforting.” Colin sat at his desk, turning in his chair to face Melissa.
“It wasn’t meant to be, just a fact.” She stood, running a finger along his dresser, pulling lightly on the handles. “We’ll be with you nearly all day anyway, and even when we’re not around a teacher will be. Nothing will happen.”
“I hope you’re right. Of course, you seem to be right most of the time anyway.” She giggled, a soft melodic note that made Colin’s face flush with excitement. All he wanted as for her to laugh again, to emit that wondrous sound of glee.
“I should go, I really shouldn’t have come at all, but I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Right; tomorrow. Night.” She opened the window herself and drifted out. Colin closed it behind her only to watch her fly along the buildings. Clearly avoiding the sight of the cars and passersby on the street below.
The new morning brought anxiety to Colin and everyone around him. As much as they wanted to act normal they knew today could not be normal. They knew as well as Colin that today was going to be rough.
“There he is!” cried a young girl as Colin pulled himself out of Sabrina’s car. Students stared in silence, slowly inching away as Colin passed. He looked back to See A nervous smile from Luke and Sabrina, not much of a comfort. Just walk, don’t make eye contact with anyone and walk. This is going to be a long day.
Whispers floated on the air, hundreds of them. “Can you believe what he did?”
“I heard he did it or the fun of it.”
“They say he tried to drink his blood, like a vampire.”
“Someone told me-“
“How ‘bout you shut up before I shut you up,” Jason bent close to the table behind him, annoyed with all the rumors he had heard all day until lunch. The table of third year students scrambled, imitating roaches after a light had been switched on.
“You shouldn’t have done that,” Colin said, “They’re just kids.”
“I don’t care, this whole school needs a big piece of duck tape over its mouth.” He jabbed a Spork into his lunch, shoving a few bites into his mouth. It was surprisingly quiet afterwards; the usually bustling lunchroom was tense. Fear had become easy to spot now, everyone appeared afraid of Colin. Even in class, his teachers avoided his risen hand, pretending to not see it.
At least I still have my friends. At least someone still believes me. The day couldn’t end quickly enough. Day three of school and already an outcast. This feels more and more like home everyday, He thought while making his way towards the street. The three-foot distance maintained by the students made it very easy to navigate.
Luke was leaned against Sabrina’s car, waiting patiently. “How was day,” he asked opening the passenger door.
“Fine, pretty dull.”
“That’s good. Sabrina let me borrow her car. I still have work so you’re gonna hang out with us in the tower until time for your lesson.” The car lifted up, clearing the other vehicles lining the street; each one waiting for a student. The computer took over, pulling the car towards its destination while joining the pulsing line of cars snaking through the city.
“How are things in the oh mighty tower?” Sarcasm shot from Colin’s mouth faster than he could think to stop himself.
“Hectic. Very hectic. Just stick close to me, we’ve been having trouble with some of the other active ethnic groups. It’s turning into a real mess. Don’t want them to have a chance at you before everything is sorted out.”
What is there to sort out? I didn’t do it. I’m the only witness if someone would just listen to me. The tower came into view from behind a tall skyscraper. The crowd of people picketing the front entrance became clearer the closer they got to it. The car zipped around, avoiding the mob and settling in the parking garage.
Up the tower, Luke never mentioned his work. Though Colin had never really asked, when they exited on the two hundred and fifty-sixth floor it was clear whatever he did was important.
The hall was lined with doors, each reading a name of a person. Some had two names on it like Luke’s did. Sabrina shared the office with him and it was a small office. Colin placed his bag on the only extra chair in the room, wishing it didn’t take up so much of their precious space.
“Hey Colin,” Sabrina muttered, not looking up from her desk. The stack of crisp white paper flowed across her desk. The tiny square of a window offered only minimal reference to the outside world. No doubt making it easy to concentrate, or easy to go crazy.
“How is the report coming?” Luke asked as he squeezed behind his own desk.
“Dull. Page after page about farming.” She rubbed her neck, yawning for a moment before releasing a slight sigh. “I can’t wait for this day to be over.”
“Yeah,” Luke started mulling over his own papers. The thought of importance was slowly dieing away as Colin glanced from one to the other in silence. Maybe a ninja will suddenly appear or something. I mean, this can’t be it; this can’t be what they do all day.
Page after page they flipped, stacked, stamped and signed. Colin feigned reading his history book, too bored to bear any more information. The clock’s tick grew louder as five o’clock came nearer. I want to break my finger, Colin thought, staring at his hand for no reason, Maybe it will distract me for a while.
“I think it’s nearly time for my lesson,” Colin suggested. Only to be reminded he still had another hour left. He stowed the history book away, pulling out a small novel. Melissa had given it to him earlier in the day as a hopeful means of keeping his mind busy.
It worked. Colin fell deep into the pages for nearly forty minutes. After the fourth page it was clear why Melissa had chosen it. The young main character was a harsh brassy young girl, much like Melissa, who yearned to be noticed for the kind sweet girl she really was. Message received, Maybe if she lightened up a bit, but I suppose she has reasons.
“You better get a move on, Isabella will set you on fire for being late.” Luke smiled, if it was a joke, it wasn’t very funny due to the very real possibility of being caught on fire, “You know how to get there, we’ll head home afterwards.”
Colin nodded, unsure of what to expect. Already he was behind two days and it was already clear his instructor had a temper. He fumbled along the hall back to the lifts, filing around and grabbing the railing, Fifty-Six, A slight whoosh and Colin was plummeting down the lift shaft. Everything passed by slower before Colin came to a stop and re connected with the wall.
Jason rose up next to him, sweating and smelly from his football practice. “Hey Colin, glad you could make it to this one.”
“Yeah, how was practice?”
“Long, I didn’t even get a chance to take a shower before I had to catch a ride up here. Wonder if Isabella will mind.” Colin shrugged, curious of the same thing. It didn’t take long to figure out however, the moment they opened the door, she created a large orb of clear water.
“How do you expect me to concentrate when your smell is clogging my nose,” she said, passing the water over Jason. “And call me Mrs. McDaniel. Glad you could join us this time Colin, luckily we haven’t been able to get much done lately.” She swirled wind around the now soaked boy, making him dry and rather fluffy.
“I hope both of you are ready to keep up, we’ve lost two days and I do not intend to fall behind.” Her eyes gleamed, and without warning she launched an attack of fire. “Defend yourselves boys, this is combat training and we don’t have time to dilly dally!”
Jeez! Colin thought ducking form the flames. No preparation, no understanding. What is she thinking? We barely know how to wrap our minds around these powers and she wants us to fight with them.
“Keep your thoughts together, do not get distracted!” Wind tore across the room; Colin tried to concentrate, to think of something, to focus. The wind sliced his skin, pushing backwards into the wall.
“Ow!” He rubbed his head wearily, trying to ignore the throbbing pain.
“We will stop if you need to Colin. I have other exercises we can perform.” Mrs. McDaniel ran a hand across the back of his head, feeling the swelling knot. He shrugged, not wanting to admit ho badly he wished it to end.
“I think I may have started out to quickly. Jason has a bit of an advantage over you. We will go a little slower, let you get more comfortable with your abilities.” Colin tried, he wanted nothing more than to get better, but he was too distracted. To caught up in everything around him to really concentrate. The lesson passed by, he tried once more to form Water as he had done before, only to shake an empty hand.
“I don’t understand, I did it before, why can’t I do it now?”
“You must concentrate, take control of your emotions and focus.” Isabella released her orb of water, “The lesson is over for today. Both of you need practice, Colin you especially need to find your center if you are to advance at all in these lessons.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Are there any exercises we need to do before tomorrow?” Jason asked, shouldering his backpack.
“No, both of you tried very hard today and it has been a stressful few days. Go home, get some rest and hopefully tomorrow will be better.” Silently Colin picked up his bag, not making any eye contact with Jason. He didn’t want to show it. He didn’t want to let his friend now how angry he was. How frustrated the lesson had made him.
“Colin, May I speak to you a moment?” Isabella said.
“Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Colin nodded to Jason who, in return, nodded and left the room.
“I know you are not very stable in your emotions right now, but I must implore that you try harder. Our emotions are very dangerous when not held close and I am afraid that you might not be able to control them if you continue like this.”
“I’m fine. I’ll get it under control by tomorrow.”
“I hope you are able to, but in the meantime, I as that you use some of these meditation exercises.” She handed him a small stack of papers, copies she had made earlier in the day. “There is also the matter of Lamont’s Memorial service. It is tomorrow and I think it would be best for you to stay home.”
“But I’ll miss class!” Colin clenched, anger flushing his body.
“Calm yourself. Classes are going to be cancelled for the next few days while the Order investigates. We will still have lesson here, but I want you to go home and rest.” Colin stood a moment, annoyed and agitated, before turning and leaving.
I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of everyone acting like I’m stupid. I didn’t do anything wrong. Why do I have to keep getting pushed into the corner? Why does everyone act like I have to be protected from the truth? They all probably think I did it.
“Colin,” Luke came around the corridor, Sabrina at his heel. “All done. I guess we can get home and rest then. Sabrina offered to take us home.”
“Whatever. Let’s just go.” Sabrina shot a worried glance at Luke, a slight buzz ticked Colin’s ears. The more they walked the stronger it became until Sabrina and Luke’s voices were easily identifiable in his mind.
“You need to talk to him. This can’t be easy you know,” Sabrina said.
“I know that, but what can I say. He’s so distant as it is. What if it just pushes him further away.”
“Stop being such a girl.” It continued on in Colin’s mind the entire ride home. The urge to scream, ‘shut-up!’ was rivaled by the want to listen more. “All you have to do is open your mouth and talk. Be an ear. Let him get his emotions out in the open.”
“How does that help him control them?”
“How do you expect him to control them when he can’t even express them. Everyone is confusing him with all this control nonsense. He’s a teenager. He’s allowed to express himself. Just because we have control doesn’t mean we suppress everything that makes us Human.”
At last the urge to scream beat the listener into the ground, “Ya know, I much prefer you both talk to me instead of silently.” all was quiet. No one said anything, no one thought anything. The car stopped, hovering a few inches from the ground, allowing Luke and Colin to exit.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said. Her eyes spoke words that could not be heard through the ears or otherwise.
“Night,” Luke walked in front of Colin, opening the main door for him. “She’s right though.” The elevator was moving rather slowly, giving Luke an easy opportunity.
“About what?”
“We do need to talk.” |
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 2:03 pm Post subject: |
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Nice chapter. I'm a bit lost, as I haven't read pervious entries, but I'll try to catch up. For now, 'll do what I can.
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| Sleep never found Colin, he stared at the ceiling listening to the over activity of the night. |
I think that if you put a full stop after 'sleep never found Colin' and put it into it's own paragraph, it would give the chapter a nice start.
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| It was clear that death, while not uncommon in Atlantis, had a very devastating effect. |
I'm not sure, but shouldn't it be whilst? Or is it different in American English? (or maybe I'm completely wrong)
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| The tap was faint, barely recognizable from the city buzz, but as Colin looked to his window, someone was floating in front of it. Melissa. |
I think a comma after window would go nicely.
I liked this chapter. It really did seem that Colin was becoming an outcast, and there was plenty with which we could see into Colin's mind, so nothign wrong with the character there. There was plenty of emotion flying around.
I'll give it a gold star, but it should have more. I really respect the amount of effort and skill you've put into this. |
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| Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 2:07 am Post subject: |
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Hey Adam. Sorry if my critique of this chapter was a bit delayed, I was tired last night and decided to hit the sack. I've printed chapter 14 out and was reading it as I was having lunch with my parents. Using my blue pen, I marked the places where I thought it was rather weird or that it needs more work. I'll be transferring the notes over as well as adding some additional ones as I type this up:
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| Sleep never found Colin, he stared at the ceiling listening to the over activity of the night. The city was buzzing and every sound made his head throb. Panic was strong, along with fear and sadness. It was clear that death, while not uncommon in Atlantis, had a very devastating effect. |
It's a good start to the chapter. You might want to be more specific as to how death had a devastating effect in Atlantis.
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| “I guess I had to check on you. That was quite the scare at the football stadium. It’s funny really, we’ve only just met and I feel attached.” |
Here, you might want to ensure that the dialogue goes into greater depth as to why and how Melissa would start to develop an attachment for Collin.
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| Silence echoed louder than any word could. “Are you coming to school tomorrow?” Melissa broke the silence, a glimmer of concern in her voice. |
It seems so rough that you would use the word "silence" so closely together. Another problem is flow of the sentences. This is because you had two ideas which are similar in concept, but has polar opposite effects. It's like you were indecisive as to which effect you were planning to have here.
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| Students stared in silence, slowly inching away as Colin passed. |
You seem to be quite fond of the word "silence".
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| He looked back to See A nervous smile from Luke and Sabrina, not much of a comfort. |
"see a"
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| Maybe a ninja will suddenly appear or something. I mean, this can’t be it; this can’t be what they do all day. |
In my opinion, this thought bubble was rather random.
| Quote: |
“Long, I didn’t even get a chance to take a shower before I had to catch a ride up here. Wonder if Isabella will mind.” Colin shrugged, curious of the same thing. It didn’t take long to figure out however, the moment they opened the door, she created a large orb of clear water.
“How do you expect me to concentrate when your smell is clogging my nose,” she said, passing the water over Jason. “And call me Mrs. McDaniel. Glad you could join us this time Colin, luckily we haven’t been able to get much done lately.” She swirled wind around the now soaked boy, making him dry and rather fluffy |
The transition from one scene to the next needs to be more evident and stronger. When I first read it, I thought that Isabella had materialized in the elevator and creating a large orb of water.
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| Jeez! Colin thought ducking form the flames. |
"From".
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| “I hope both of you are ready to keep up, we’ve lost two days and I do not intend to fall behind.” Her eyes gleamed, and without warning she launched an attack of fire. “Defend yourselves boys, this is combat training and we don’t have time to dilly dally!” |
This might be the time to describe the flames a bit more.
| Quote: |
| The wind sliced his skin, pushing backwards into the wall. |
Are you talking about Colin's skin or the wall?
| Quote: |
| He shrugged, not wanting to admit ho badly he wished it to end. |
I noticed that you used "shrugged" earlier. And it should be "how", not "ho".
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| I think I may have started out to quickly. |
"too" quickly.
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| “We do need to talk.” |
Interesting.
Overall impressions:
A good chapter which was quite enjoyable to read and rivets the reader along quite nicely. I believe that I had my pen posed in my hand, reading this piece till the end. So well done to you on that.
Main issues for me would be 1. repetition of words 2. character interactions 3. constant use of thought bubbles and 4. the dialogue.
Firstly, I noticed that you used some words several times throughout the piece, such as"silence", "flushed" , "stared", "shrugged" ,"buzz" , "thought" etc. It really affected the piece, as it makes it feel tedious and not as fresh as it should had been able to.
Secondly, I think there should had been more character interactions happening in this chapter in response to certain actions or events. For example, near the beginning, how did Colin reacted when Melissa told him that she felt a bit of an attachment to Colin? I didn't really see anything that hinted that Colin actually reacted to Melissa's statement. Every action has a consequence, and you need to show that to make character vs character relationships more realistic and grounded.
Thirdly, I think you overused the device of thought bubbles. I dunno, it seems like you are info dumping to us as to how Collin felt. I mean I could understand it being used once or twice, but you came to it time to time again and it seems kinda telling. Considering a writer of your caliber, I think you are able to show us Collin's thoughts and emotions rather than presenting them in thought bubbles.
Lastly, the dialogue really needs more spice to it. Like the last chapter, the dialogue is alright, but it isn't particularly memorable or really reflects the characters in the story. It seems like typical every day dialogue that you would hear on the streets, in school or even the ones spoken out of your mouth. I mean we hear such dialogue every day in our lives, why must we use it in our fictional work as well? It's boring hearing the same way a person speaks. I think it could had been better worded.
Overall, it was a good read, not as good as your last two chapters (I'm biased towards action lol) but it does set up for future conflicts which are to occur in your fantasy.
Get your next chapter up eh?
Andy. |
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| Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 5:30 am Post subject: Chapter 15 WC: 3,444 |
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Chapter 15
Alanon
“What? You’re kind of scaring me a little.” Colin eyed Luke, holding back his annoyance and feigning a twinge of fear.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about it ever since Poseidon stopped by. It’s about your parent’s Will. They left you something and it came with a rather large security lock.” The two climbed into the elevator, Luke continued his explanation after hitting the button for his floor, “I was trying to take care of it for you, but it looks like we have to take a trip outside of the city.”
“To where?”
“Just a little cave in the Himalayas. I figure we can go early tomorrow since you don’t have class. We’ll be back in plenty of time for your lesson with Isabella too.” The Doors slid open, offering a far more cavernous hall than the elevator car. “Who knows, it could be kind of fun.”
“I guess.” Colin grabbed the doorknob first, making a speedy entrance. “I have homework I need to get started on. I’ll make myself a sandwich or something later.”
“Uhh, okay.” He was hidden behind his shut door before Luke could finish. Alone and away from everyone. Colin allowed himself to become engrossed in his books. Homework was something he could just do and not have to worry with Luke or Sabrina. All either of them seemed to be doing was arguing about him. It made him even more uncomfortable, just another reason to keep his distance.
Colin flicked a few keys on his computer, typing out his next answer when the little bubble popped up. It seemed he had an instant messenger, though, not one he had ever encountered before. Carefully positioning his mouse he clicked the little bubble floating in the corner of his screen.
The bubble expanded to the center, covering his homework and displaying a small message:
[mel3]: *poke*
A quick jab from an unseen force knocked Colin on the forehead.
“Ow! What the…” another message was quickly displayed.
[mel3]: Sorry. You’ve probably never used this kind of messenger before.
Colin typed quickly, his words appeared in the window once he hit the enter key.
[col8]: You’re right I haven’t, who are you?
[mel3]: Melissa of course, who else would be smart enough to find your username. Colin rubbed his forehead, it was aching a little. Trying to ignore it he started typing again.
[col8]: I didn’t know I had a username for this messenger.
[mel3]: Of course you do, when you get registered in the tower it gets assigned to you. It just took me a while to find yours is all. This is a lot safer than me flying to your window.
[col8]: Very true, how did you find me anyway?
[mel3]: It wasn’t very hard; I just looked through the Order’s Database. Even through the little words on the screen Colin could sense a touch of ego blossoming in Melissa.
[col8]: I can guess the database is encrypted or something. I know it must have been super easy for you though.
[mel3]: Don’t be sarcastic; I’ll have to poke you again.
[col8]: Haha, that’s a nifty little feature though.
[mel3]: Yeah, most people don’t appreciate it though. So, are you going to be at the memorial tomorrow?
[col8]: No, I was kindly asked not to come. And I have to take care of something anyway.
[mel3]: What?
[col8]: I’m not sure. Something with my parents I think.
[mel3]: Oh, well let me know how it goes.
[col8]: Sure. Gotta go, I hear Luke coming. With a fast click the window vanished just as Colin’s door opened.
Luke stood in the door, barely leaning in, “Are you sure you don’t want something, I fixed some chicken.”
“Well, I guess I shouldn’t be studying on an empty stomach.” With a look at the books laid open on the desk Colin got up to eat. In an odd way, Melissa made him feel better. She wouldn’t let him get away from her like everyone else. She held on tight, not willing to let go. Everyone, even Luke seemed all too easily thrown and afraid to get back on the horse.
With a highly satisfied stomach Colin found it increasingly difficult to concentrate with the hours growing deeper into the night. With a tired sigh he gave up the battle and retreated to his soft mattress.
Within hours the sleep was interrupted. Luke prodded Colin awake,” hurry up, you need to get ready so we can leave.”
“But it’s so early,” Colin made to close his eyes. Hoping his guardian would give up easily. A slight shock told him otherwise.
“The lines at the gates are atrocious now, even with reservations and early screenings we’ll be in line for hours.” A slight guilt forced Colin awake. He couldn’t help but feel responsible. If it weren’t for him maybe Lamont wouldn’t have been murdered and none of the extra securities would be necessary.
“Just give me a minute, I’ll be ready in ten.”
“Right, I’ll get you something small to eat. It’s not good to travel when you’re full.” Colin rummaged through his closet, randomly picking a shirt and pants, easy enough to slip on and comfortable for the long wait. He glanced at his books, wondering if he should take one. All those hours standing in line could be valuable studying time.
“Hurry up, Colin, we need to go.”
“I didn’t want to study anyway,” he left them, heading for the front door and Luke. A quick elevator ride later the two were on the sidewalk.
The busses were running already, the drivers seemed a bit groggy, but more than able to drive. Only two other people had occupied the bus, black bands gripping their arms. No doubt they would be at the memorial in the afternoon. Something else for Colin to feel guilty about.
Atlantis was quiet; the sky was still dark with only a small amount of light slowly growing. Maybe it was the pending trip; maybe it was the memorial service. Whatever it was made Colin uneasy. His mind wandered back and forth to that day. The black cloak, did anyone really believe him? Even the tower seemed dull today. Its golden shell cast no reflections and had only a few active lights in the upper levels.
“The mornings are always so gloomy.” Luke led the way to the lifts, barely paying attention to Colin.
“It fits,” Colin whispered to himself. The two were carried upwards into the heart of the tower. The floor they halted on already had at least ten people in the hall. Various signs scrolled across a large flat screen.
“Ours isn’t up there. This is a special trip I had to get approved through the Department of Interdimensional Connections and Reassignments. Lucky for us Cain is involved with them. It made the process a little quicker.”
They stood in the line, waiting. Thirty minutes passed, then an hour. An hour and a half later a smiling young woman greeted them, “Welcome to Atlantean Aqueducts, do you have you Destination Card?”
“Oh right,” Luke reached his hand into his robe, pulling out what looked like a miniature credit card. The lady looked at it a moment, never ceasing her smile.
“If you’ll follow me please, I have to direct you there myself. It can get a little tricky.” with a twirl that sent her black hair into a spiral she led them through the mass of people waiting in line. Each had a sign that glowed with the destination and below the signs were at least two guards searching the people as they passed.
Colin’s feet were aching before the girl stopped. She opened a door and let them in. Red chairs dotted the dusty room, tattered magazines lay on a barely standing wooden table and a flickering florescent light gave the impression that very few people ever had to wait.
“I have to confirm both of your identifications before I can activate the gate. If you will both just wait here someone will come and take you soon.” After the first hour of waiting Colin was starting to wonder of ‘soon’ had two different meanings. Luke wasn’t helping; the longer they waited the closer he came to asking very uncomfortable questions.
“Did you want to go the memorial this afternoon?”
“Umm, I ha-“
“Everything is all checked out,” said a tall man in the doorway, rescuing Colin from his squirming skin, “We’re ready for both of you now. Follow me.” Briskly and quietly Colin did so, Luke not far behind. “You’re the first person we’ve had this year that needed a reconnect. It gets exciting sometimes, not that this job is boring, but we only have the twelve gates that go to the twelve locations. When we get to use the thirteenth for reconnects it can be exhilarating.”
Colin stopped listen long before the man finished talking. His dark thick beard drew Colin’s attention more than his ramblings.
He led them through a long hall, there were no crowds and they only passed a few workers. It was growing cold the further they traveled, but no one seemed to notice but Colin.
“Here we are. Everything should be all set for the two of you. Now remember you only have a five-hour window to go in and come back. Oddly enough we have one other reconnect scheduled today. And it’s in an off location we’ve never connected to before. Should be fun.” The man smiled like a sunbeam at them. He clearly enjoyed his job, more than Colin had ever seen anyone enjoy a job.
Luke opened the door to a massive stone room. Ancient columns supported a high ceiling covered in friezes and inscriptions that looked to be ancient. Two women greeted them once inside, both with that intense smile. It was starting to make Colin queasy.
“This way gentlemen. The gate is al ready to connect. Just stand back for a moment.” The two gave a quick exchange of technical terms before slowly pressing a few large stone buttons. Two of the columns burst into life pulsing with a light blue light. Ecstatic electricity arched between them, cracking and hissing with anticipation.
Colin held his breath, as the hum of the machines grew louder. The arching started to slow, the air started to emit an odd blue hue before the gat started to appear. Transparency became distorted, stone started to form from nowhere, and image of a cave took shape inside the stone circle that reached for the ceiling.
“It’s ready for transport,” said the woman. Thank you for traveling with Atlantean Aqueducts, we look forward to your return.” Luke nodded politely before stepping forward.
“This is different than the first one,” Colin whispered as they got closer.
“Of course it is. This is the first gate system ever invented. It was originally designed to go anywhere and everywhere. Now we use the twelve for travel to key locations for safety reasons. It’ll be fine. Just walk on through.”
“Easy for you to say.” Colin stuck out his hand and reached for the gate. His fingers grazed something soft and he pulled back. The image rippled like gelatin. With a deep breath he walked forward, pressing against the invisible softness until it gave. His hand slipping through the cold wet something until it reached empty air on the other side. It felt a little odd, but was much quicker than his first trip through a gate.
Colin turned back to the image ripple; it showed the room he was just in. There were a few very fuzzy blobs. One started to grow larger and come into focus; it was Luke. He came through easily leaving the image to ripple again.
“Let’s go, it’s only a little ways down the tunnel.” Luke went forward into the torch lit cave. It was well made, support beams raced along the top and sides; each beam carrying symbols of some sort. The cold gray walls reflected light well making everything seem bright in the orange glow of flames.
There were forks and tunnels that led off, but Luke continued on his way, never second-guessing or speaking. “How are you so sure of where we are going?” Colin asked after thirty minutes of walking.
“I’ve been here before. A few years back. It’s easy enough, the tunnels just run deep. The place was designed in case it ever got invaded. The things stored here are not to be thought of lightly. They were placed down here for a reason. Most of the time for safety precautions.” A little ways more and they reached a dead end. Still Luke looked un-phased by this.
“Now what?”
“Enter the code of course.”
“What’s the code?”
“You’ll see.” Luke fiddled in his robe again, pulling out a small whistle. Hey laid his fingers across a few holes before taking a deep breath and blowing. Three notes echoed through the tunnels, a strong harmony that bounced from the walls in a seamless sound of purity.
The wall before them cracked and crumbled, falling to the floor in a pile of dust. “There we go. Come on then, before it rebuilds itself.” Luke stuffed the flute away before walking quickly over the threshold.
“Music? That’s the code?” Colin stepped over as well, watching the dust reform into solid rock.
“Yeah, it was the safest method considering how many pitches and harmonies that can be made with sound. It’s just up ahead now.” The cavern sloped downwards. The rocks changed colors the deeper they went, making Colin wonder just how deep underground they really were.
Around a sharp corner they were met by a large door. The thick wood was chipped in places, but overall it was sturdy and tightly sealed to the cave with cast iron framing. Luke knocked softly and waited. A series of clicks and clanks followed before the door creaked open.
A flash of green caught Colin’s eye first, armour glinting in the firelight. A medium sized man clanked forward from his door, eyes piercing through Colin’s skin with an electrical quality.
“Who has come to the Vault of Guardians?” His voice boomed through the tunnel, nearly knocking Colin to the ground.
“Luke and Colin Banks, Master Guardian. We have to retrieve an object left for Colin by his parents.”
“I see,” his gaze fixated on Colin now, even with Luke handing him the paperwork. “You know, Luke, I rarely see people come down here more than once. Even then it is rare. I am pleased you have returned, but I must ask you to wait here.”
“I’m sorry?”
“There is nothing in the Vault for you. Did you not read the inscription above the door?” he pointed upward at the carved words: ‘Those who enter with nothing for thee, will find a gift, that makes them cry and bleed.’
“Oh, uhh, I’ll just wait here then.” Luke backed towards the wall. Trying to instill confidence in Colin, but failing miserably with his own fearful surprise.
“A wise decision. Come young Banks, allow me to lead you to your item.” With a last look at an increasingly paler Luke Colin followed the guardian. The door shut behind them, trapping Colin with this man.
The tunnels expanded until they reached a massive cavern, far beneath the earth. An ancient temple-like structure rose high above them. The red stone walls were etched with images, the designs were foreign to Colin. He had never seen anything like it.
“Welcome to the Vault. It is roughly ten thousand years old.”
“But how can that be?” Colin asked while they continued closer to the structure.
“There are things that happened long before people started keeping history. And many things have been lost to time. The Vaults is one thing that was constructed in secret, deep beneath the mountains to hold some of the world’s most dangerous artifacts.”
Inside was confusing. The stairs went up, down sideways, back ways and wrong ways. The Guardian led the way knowingly, fully aware of where he was going. “I knew your parents very well. They had their own means of coming down here and came often. They were very bright. I told them things I should not have told them and in turn they kept my secrets.”
“How long did you know them?” Colin followed closely behind, not wanting to get lost.
“Since they were teenagers. Both came on separate occasions to retrieve something left to them. Later they found ways to come down without anyone knowing. I should have informed Atlantis of it, but I was so lonely at the time. I appreciated the company.” The halls and paths were all so similar Colin was getting nervous. What if they were lost now? What if the Guardian was losing it? But he knew his parents, and was so willing to open up about them.
“Did they ever talk about me? Or did they come around after I was born?” It felt so odd. He barely knew this man. In fact he didn’t even know his name, but the lure of his parents drew him closer and closer. Craving more he couldn’t help but poke around for more information.
“Oh yes, they brought you after you born. Let me see you. I only saw them once after that, a few months afterwards to drop of this item. It is odd really. The day after they deposited it was when they were killed and you disappeared. Almost as if they knew somehow.” Colin was ready to ask more questions, but they had arrived already.
The Guardian pulled a massive ring of keys from behind his cloak. One by one he unlocked what must have been over five hundred locks on the stone case. Then it was followed by a series of levers being pulled and tablets being inserted into various slots. With a hiss the stone case slide forth from the wall, opening slowly to reveal a small metal case. Its gold embroidery glimmered in the light.
“Take it, it is yours now.” Colin was tentative at first, barely reaching. Excitement started to take over; all the questions swimming through his head made him grab the box quickly and pull it out. As soon as his hand was out with the box, the stone casing retreated to the wall, resealing itself for the next item it would hold.
Colin looked down at the box; still shining, it was very pretty. A treble clef ordained the center, surrounded by twelve small jewels of various colors. With a shake he realized there was something inside. “What is it?”
“That is a Harmonic Lock, an invention of your parents. A reinvention rather, inside that box is something very special. Something that was sealed in the fourth highest security vault I have. In that box is the journal containing your parents research.”
“Research?”
“Oh yes. They were very secretive about their studies. So much so that even the Order has no idea how deep they got. They worked their entire lives to learn what they did and now they have left it in your hands. Clearly there is something important in its pages. Something they wanted you, and only you, to know. Come, let us go back.” Colin did, caught between not wanting to get lost and wanting to open the box.
The way out felt faster, perhaps from the excitement of hearing about his parents. The reached the exit but the Guardian stopped short of opening the wooden door. He looked down to Colin, his red spiky hair framing the straight cut features of his face. “I want you to have this,” He handed Colin a small silver horn shaped like a dragon. “This is incase you ever need help. In your darkest time of need you can always call on me.”
“I don’t understand, why are you giving this to me?”
“We all have our secrets to keep and duties to uphold. And should we choose to add another, then let it be our decision. I am Alanon, the Dragoon Guardian. With all my heart I commit myself to your protection should you ever need it.” The Great Man bowed deeply to the ground, making Colin’s mouth hit the floor.
“I-I uhh-“
“I have been around for a long time, young Banks. I have seen those who have changed history. I see many things on the horizon; a great storm approaches and I fear you will be at its center. Go forth, back to your world and be ever aware. Your enemies are always close. Always watching. Good luck.” |
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Squall
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| Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 7:50 am Post subject: |
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Finally, chapter 14.
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| with a twirl that sent her black hair into a spiral she led them through the mass of people waiting in line. |
Capital "w".
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| “This way gentlemen. The gate is al ready to connect. Just stand back for a moment.” |
"All".
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| The arching started to slow, the air started to emit an odd blue hue before the gat started to appear. |
"Gate".
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| “Welcome to the Vault. It is roughly ten thousand years old.” |
Seems kinda redunctant to mention how old it is.
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| He handed Colin a small silver horn shaped like a dragon. “This is incase you ever need help. In your darkest time of need you can always call on me.” |
I have a feeling of Chekhov's gun here. Is Collin going to be saved later on at the last minute by it? I hope not, it will seem unrealistic.
Overall impressions:
Pretty good chapter, it looks like the new few chapters will take the plot to a new level. I quite like the bubble messenger. It was good comic relief and gave us more of that Collin/ Mel conversation. Also liked how you describe the transport system in the chapter, it paints quite a good picture for someone who hasn't really experienced it before.
I think you could have explored as to how Collin and Luke would react when they were waiting for the transport. I'm pretty sure they don't sit idle for that long now. You might think that it is irrelevant, but I would have done it to characterize them more.
Also, the guardian near the end seems kinda sterotypical as a character in terms of being the helper. He gives Collin the items necessary as well as foreshadowing a future conflict. Many narratives have such a character. Here, idea hasn't been deviated much from the sterotype. However, considering as he is only a minor character, I think it isn't much of a main issue.
Overall, a good chapter. Keep writing and finish it!
Andy. |
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Alteran
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 10:01 pm Post subject: Chapter 16 WC: 3,921 |
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Chapter 16
Suspect Number One
Colin stared at the box for days after they returned to Atlantis. Taking full advantage of the time off by humming various notes at the box, hoping it might open. It seemed pointless after a while. I want to know what’s inside. I want to read my parents research. I need help.
Who? Who would even be able to help Colin solve the puzzle? He couldn’t ask Luke, not that he wouldn’t jump at the chance to help Colin, but it didn’t feel quite right. The answer drifted in through the computer. The weekend just before classes were about to start up again. The air was growing chilly, artificially controlled temperature designed to give the feeling of a growing autumn season. Melissa sent him another instant message. A casual conversation that gave Colin a chance to ask for help.
[mel3]: Did you finish the history project yet? It’s due tomorrow morning.
[col8]: Nearly. I just have a few parts left to double check.
Not wanting to be completely forward, he did what seemed to work well for him, he made an excuse.
[col8]: Maybe I could come over and we could proof read each others work?
[mel3]: That would be great. We can get Jared and Bobby to come too. Like a study group. I know Clarissa hasn’t seen Bob since the memorial. Come over at four. I’ll send you my address.
It backfired. Colin had forgotten about Clarissa. He hadn’t really seen her, or anyone else, for a while. The only one he had been talking to was Melissa. Even that was forced on him.
[col8]: That sounds great.
His fingers typed out the messages of false enthusiasm with a bitter harmony of clicks.
[mel3]: Come over at four. See you later.
Her messenger went offline, leaving Colin with a pit of dread welling in his stomach. He didn’t want to see them all. There was no way for him to show Melissa the box without everyone else seeing it.
Maybe it’s a sign, he thought, pacing the few feet of his room, Maybe I’m not supposed to let her see. Maybe I have to figure it out for myself. This is so annoying! Why didn’t this get explained to me? How am I supposed to figure out this lock with absolutely no clues?
He flumped down onto his bed, angry. Angry enough he could feel the heat building inside him. T | |
