Topic ID: 1854
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Eslyssa
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 Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 10:34 pm Post subject: Shall We Dance? |
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You played with my heart,
You twisted,
Confused me,
You made me believe.
You made me believe,
That love is real,
And that we were in love,
You lied to me.
You lied to me,
Told me it was forever,
Then left me alone,
You abandoned me.
You abandoned me,
Myself and my heart,
Tore me to shreds,
And for what, may I ask?
For what, may I ask?
For the vision,
The image that I added to,
I helped your mind grow.
I helped your mind grow,
I helped you look better,
I made you seem better,
You made me feel a fool.
But we look good together,
We help us to grow,
It’s not real,
But shall we dance? |
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Duskglimmer
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| Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 10:36 pm Post subject: |
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This seems a little too simplistic and repetative. I don't really get where you're coming from, or why you're writing this from the poem. It just sounds like you felt the need to write something and so you put this together.
But I do like the idea of the last few stanzas. I think you could build on that and make a really great poem. |
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 10:41 pm Post subject: |
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Aragh this was just like another poem that I read... it went on and on with the last line from the stanza being th first to the next....
And do you mean DANCE as in date? I mean, I am studying under a very strict English teacher and we don't use slang... I'm afraid he might hit me... (+_-)
Sort of what Duskglimmer said, why did you write this? |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 3:44 am Post subject: |
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I have to admit I hated most of it. No offense, but it was just...there wasnt enough depth for my taste. The concept is good, but it lacks poetic grace. However, there are some things you could do to make it better, and if the last stanza is anything to go by, you do have the potential to be quite a good poet - you certainly have a talent for timing.
You played with my heart,
You twisted,
Confused me,
You made me believe.
OK, well, kind of cliche but I'll go with it. If I were you I'd delete the repetition of "you made me believe" and tack on "that love is real" to this verse; it suits your rhythm much better. Also, it should be "that love *was* real", since you're speaking in the past tense.
You made me believe,
That love is real,
And that we were in love,
You lied to me.
"And that we were in love" could also be tacked on to the first verse. The rest of this verse can basically be scrapped IMHO.
You lied to me,
Told me it was forever,
Then left me alone,
You abandoned me.
If you make the previous changes, this should be OK as a stand-alone verse. From here on out, though, I think you can basically get rid of the following verses - they're not adding anything except useless angst.
You abandoned me,
Myself and my heart,
Tore me to shreds,
And for what, may I ask?
[i]For what, may I ask?
For the vision,
The image that I added to,
I helped your mind grow.
[ the second to last line might be good somewhere, perhaps in the last verse. Its quite good, actually. ]
I helped your mind grow,
I helped you look better,
I made you seem better,
You made me feel a fool.
As I said, gone, gone, gone.
But we look good together,
We help us to grow,
It’s not real,
But shall we dance?
Rhythm is superb. The second line needs to be changed though. Keep the same number of syllables, but the words dont make any sense. Also, the first "but" doenst make sense either. If the poet was abandoned, then you cant still talk as though theyre together. So a bit of fiddling needed to make that flow logically. Other than that, I love this verse. The last line really makes the poem and shows an impeccable sense of timing. However, you do need to do a lot of work, with this poem at any rate. Try this on for size:
You played with my heart,
you twisted
confused me-
you made me believe
that love was real
and that we were in love.
you lied to me
told me it was forever
then left me alone;
you abandoned me.
But we looked good together,
The perfect mirage;
Its not real,
But shall we dance?
Its not perfect, but just so you see what I'm getting at here. Anyway, work with it, see what you come up with. I'll look forward to seeing some more of your poetry around. |
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Areida
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:26 am Post subject: |
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Well, I suppose I like it...sort of...a little.....heck, I dunno. It seems more like a song, but it's kind of (for lack of a better word) cliched.
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You played with my heart,
You twisted,
Confused me,
You made me believe. |
I feel like I've heard this before.....can't place it, maybe an Avril Lavigne song or something. Anyway, I think you have potential, but this poem really doesn't show it. |
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