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The method of madness
The method of madness

by melkor in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Lyric Poetry

This thread was created on March 14, 2005
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A letter to two lovers (13+)

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Tessitore   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 8:48 pm    Post subject: A letter to two lovers (13+) Reply with quote

I'll remind everyone that I'm horrible at placing my poems in any one catergory, so forgive me if this is in the wrong place...



*******



Alright so I don’t know what to say anymore

Every time I come down to this blank paper

I can’t find the words to say anything

Nothing, natta, zip do da…

Isn’t that pretty?



I dance around my living room swaying to a beat I know you’ll love

If I can only play it for you

Have you sit on my bed and swing your feet and bob your head in tune to the music

Because you love the music,

Don’t you?



I’ve driven down the roads at three in the fucking morning

And gotten out of my car in the middle of some field

And lie on the grass and look at the stars and think; 

Somewhere out there you’re looking at the stars too

And sometimes when driving I’ll feel that welling feeling that says that it’s time to write another of those driving poems and when I get home, well…

It’s gone again.



Do you do that to me?



A comedian on the television told me that love makes the career of a stand-up guy…

Go away

Because nothing ruins an act more then regular sex,

And I wonder if that’s happening to me?



Shit fuck, 

I know I said I didn’t want to know

If it came between me and her,

But then I got to wondering and, well…

Who’d it be?

But I didn’t want to say that just now,

I didn’t mean it,

So ignore that again, just ignore me again.



And sometimes, you know, I just feel so damn hopeless,

I think that perhaps that perfect time won’t repeat itself,

That I can’t come back to what I had,

That I have to leave one of you,

To be with the other,

And I don’t know exactly where I want to be, 

You know? 



And this is so silly, cause I know both of you will read this,

And that you’ll stare at it and try to figure out how exactly it relates to you,

And wonder which relates to the other one,

And maybe you’ll think that I’m hopeless,

Which wouldn’t be surprising…



Because above all else I feel that I don’t deserve either of you.

_________________
I'm not even angry... I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me... And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
-"Still Alive"- GLaDOS


Last edited by Tessitore on Wed Mar 16, 2005 3:46 am; edited 1 time in total
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Emma   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, somehow it has that feeling which makes me addicted to it! Its unusal in poems... PEOPLE REPLY TO THIS, ITS GOOD. Very Happy
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Duskglimmer   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:36 pm    Post subject: Re: A letter to two lovers (13+) Reply with quote

I liked this for the most part. I think you could have made it a little more powerful by replacing the cuss words with more descriptive words, but that's just me.

I really liked this stanza:

Tessitore wrote:

And this is so silly, cause I know both of you will read this,
And that you’ll stare at it and try to figure out how exactly it relates to you,
And wonder which relates to the other one,
And maybe you’ll think that I’m hopeless,
Which wouldn’t be surprising…

Because above all else I fell that I don’t deserve either of you.

_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching.
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Tessitore   View This User's Portfolio
One day at a time.
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 11:06 pm    Post subject: Re: A letter to two lovers (13+) Reply with quote

Duskglimmer wrote:
I liked this for the most part. I think you could have made it a little more powerful by replacing the cuss words with more descriptive words, but that's just me.


Do you have anything that you suggest? Sometimes when I run outa words I just curse, and when I was afraid that I was going to stop writing the actual poem because I couldn't find words I just started to cuss... but do you have any specifics for what could be replaced? It'd really help.

And thanks to you both for your reviews.

_________________
I'm not even angry... I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me... And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
-"Still Alive"- GLaDOS
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Incandescence   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 1:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The last line...is "fell" a pun?

I loved this piece; a very lively display of ripping of a person's emotions and ideas and counting factions till you realize it don't matter. It don't fucking matter.

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"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
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Tessitore   View This User's Portfolio
One day at a time.
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 3:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Incandescence wrote:
The last line...is "fell" a pun?


Heh. Whoops. Just a typo. I type too fast for my own good sometimes and this is what happens.

And thank you Incandescence, your opinion is very important to me on this forum and I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

_________________
I'm not even angry... I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me... And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
-"Still Alive"- GLaDOS
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Duskglimmer   View This User's Portfolio
is happy in anywhere but there
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300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 4:18 am    Post subject: Re: A letter to two lovers (13+) Reply with quote

Tessitore wrote:
Duskglimmer wrote:
I liked this for the most part. I think you could have made it a little more powerful by replacing the cuss words with more descriptive words, but that's just me.


Do you have anything that you suggest? Sometimes when I run outa words I just curse, and when I was afraid that I was going to stop writing the actual poem because I couldn't find words I just started to cuss... but do you have any specifics for what could be replaced? It'd really help.


I'm trying to think of something that would fit... but my brain is currently on autopilot right now and doesn't like me trying to enter deviations into it's course... I'll let you know if I think of anything.

_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching.
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