Topic ID: 18479
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sokool15
In the begining there was nothing and it exploded.
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 Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 6:33 pm Post subject: Mercenary Wings 14 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:47 am; edited 1 time in total |
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TL G-Wooster
one-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
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| Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 6:59 pm Post subject: |
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LOL, Cat and Annie are so funny! "I have come to conquer the world!"  
And I *do* think it would be good for Valery and deLucio together. Not just for one night, I mean a proper relationship.
| sokool wrote: |
| "I am never ridiculous. I never deceive on purpose I am also never purposefully deceitful." |
Missing a full stop? Start a new sentance with "I am also never purposefully deceitful."
| sokool wrote: |
| His dark skin and rough leather clothing blended in perfectly with the branches and bark around him, and he knew that no wanderer on the path below would be able to see him. |
I don't know, this is extreme nitpick here, but the repetition of him doesn't seem right here.
Good chapter, and I hope we see more of Cat and Annie! |
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kitty15
Your friendly neighbourhood kitten
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| Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 7:13 pm Post subject: |
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Awwww! Valery and Delucio are so sweet together. And they're both a touch twisted so that makes a perfect match =) Your descriptions are good and I love the two random characters, especially Annie. Will they be making an appearance later in the story? If not then that part was a touch long but if it's a foundation for later interaction, that's okay. Just the one specific point -
When they hit the ground, they disappeared, and Seden looked up to see that the strange duo had disappeared down the path.
Other than that, I can't fault you on your writing and I think this is going really well. |
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Poltergiest
Akatsuki Jam!
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| Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 11:42 pm Post subject: |
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Hooooorrrraaaayyyyyy!!!!!! Yea, I'm back and now I'm gonna crit the rest of your story. Hooray! Ahem. Uh, I liked it as much as the rest of the parts. I still like Seden but I couldn't tell if the woman without the bowl of bubbles was a woman or not. I think you sjhould be a bit more specific.
He he... Uh, It was good, again. One thing, I wouldn't have deLicio rub a golden coin right in front of the kings face, tis a bit obvios. That was about all I could find so... Bye.
~Pol~ |
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sasquash
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 3:43 am Post subject: |
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| THat was suprisingly good, not that your not good, i wouldnt know, but that was quite an amazingly good story. Are you going to continue with it? was that the prologue or something? I hope to here more of this, the best of luck to you! |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 5:14 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, what's with the two random weirdos? I didn't expect them...anyway I'm sure you have your reasons and blah, blah, blah, so I'll stop ranting.
Besides that random part it was good and I liked it a lot!
-me |
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