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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
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 Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 11:33 pm Post subject: |
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*shuffles feet*
Aww... thanks! |
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EnoEmi
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| Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 8:36 am Post subject: |
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Hiya
Just wanted to say your story was fantastic. I was wondering if you could give me a few tips on writing stories as I never complete a story as the plot doesn't work out and when i read it back through it sounds terrible!!!!!
If you could give me a few tips i would be very grateful and i have to say once again your story was fantastic!!!
Well Done!!!
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Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 4:17 pm Post subject: |
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Could he take medicines, then?
Yes, but it was part of his sickness that he didn’t want to.
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The second sentence didn't make much sense.
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| When my grades began to suffer, they sent me to a school counselor, since I hadn’t been acting like myself, according to my teacher. |
You sort of explain things twice here.
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They took pictures in my room, and put things in plastic bags and took them from the house—including the one I’d drawn of my family: the beast, the beauty, the rose.
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I'm not sure what "the one" refers to in this sentence? A picture, I think, but I'm not sure because picture was already referenced in the form of photograph.
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And, watching, I realized the beast hadn’t been Daddy—it had been something inside of Mama, hiding where not even she could see it, slowly killing her.
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I think you could have done a little more with this last bit. It seems almost too brief to me.
Other than the nitpicks above, I loved it. I think it got better as it went on. |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
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| Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 6:37 am Post subject: |
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Eno - I'll PM you later this week and we'll talk. It'll be like going to get coffee... except not.  (Inside I'm kind of freaking out, though, because that is a huge compliment. Thank you. That's really sweet.)
Amelia - Thank you for the nitpicks! I agree with you; all of those need to be messed with/rephrased. Thanks again! |
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Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
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| Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 10:11 pm Post subject: |
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Eek, dear. This gives everyone great competition!
Lovely. Just posting as a note to you and to myself that I've read this. |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
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| Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 10:31 pm Post subject: |
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| Yay, thank you, Clau! |
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Firestarter
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| Posted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 1:46 pm Post subject: |
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Here I am at last! Sorry for taking so long.
*dives in*
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| Her strength showed when she stayed up long into the night, mending my clothes, when she worked extra shifts at the hospital so we could buy groceries, when she told my father , “No, Paul, you can’t see her this weekend, you’re not allowed.” |
That should be a hyphen after father rather than a comma, I feel.
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| . I’d climb into bed with her and begin my homework, timing the scratching of my pencil to her breathing—my own private symphony |
I love the expression "own private symphony". Little things like that really sell a story to me.
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| could only talk for ten minutes, though . |
You want to avoid killing sentences with words like "though". In conversational, informal writing it can work well. Not here. Take it out.
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| She’d hug her knees to her chest, rest her head on her arms, and cry—soft, miserable little sobs that she muffled by covering her mouth or keeping her head down. |
Very nitpicky here, but I think "soft, miserable little" is a bit too many adjectives for me to stomach. Usually you're brilliant at this, but you slipped here -- take one or two of them out.
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I climbed back in bed, and prayed the same prayer. I didn’t know what it meant, but Mama prayed it so often that I thought maybe it helped her to feel better. After whispering the words over and over, often in the wrong order, I’d fall asleep, the prayer still falling from my lips.
“Pray for us sinners…now, and at the hour of our death …”
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Amazing writing. Chilling. Awesome quote and beautiful foreshadowing. Part of what makes this story one of the best I've read on the site.
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When I was ten, we spent two weeks studying fairy tales in school. I liked Beauty and the Beast best, because I thought it was just like my parents .
Daddy was a beast, Mama said sometimes, but it was only because he was sick. Only it was in his head, not in his body.
Could he go to see a doctor?
Yes, but he didn’t think that he was sick, and so he always refused.
Could he take medicines, then?
Yes, but it was part of his sickness that he didn’t want to.
I was glad that Mama kept me away from my father. I had seen only one picture of him. He looked like a beast, with his dark beard and dark, brown eyes. But he was handsome too, which made me think that someday he would get better, and we’d all be together again: handsome Daddy, the beast, exquisite Mama, the beauty, and me—the little rose that kept their love alive.
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Eh-oh. Here's something I really didn't like though. Unfortunately, I think this is the worst section of the piece. Compared to the rest it is weak. For your next edit, I’d work on this. (a) It’s shorter than the rest of them, and (b) The link between Beauty and the Beast is not subtle enough – the first two lines TELL the reader, spell it out for them. I think it might be more poignant if the narrator simply talked about Beauty and the Beast, and made some links, but left it up to the reader to make the connection. The questions were also bad – it was a strange way of describing it. I would scrap it and write that information in differently.
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| “Mama made me a new dress, and put some neat patches on my jeans . We had a real big turkey too.” Mama hadn’t eaten any of it, just told me that it was usually a man’s job to carve the turkey, but we could certainly manage. I didn’t think we’d done a very good job. |
This is an AWESOME way of showing and not telling the reader that they are poor. This is the thing I’m talking about when you look at improving the Beauty and the Beast section.
The last parts of the story -- winding up to the ending is great. I utterly adore this story. I think your writing is so strong. You've always been a good writer but I think this story has shown you've really improved to a high level. The whole piece gives me chills and I can feel the emotion. The narrator's voice is perfect. On YWS I rarely re-read stories.
I've read this five times now. |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
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| Posted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 7:23 pm Post subject: |
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Jacko!
Thank you so much for all your comments! I love it whenever I get any kind of comment or critique on a story I've written, but it always means so much more to me when a person takes the time to tell me what they liked specifically, rather than just saying they liked it overall.
I'll mess with that one section you pointed out. Others have said the same about it, and now, reading over it again, I agree too. I'm not sure how I'll change it yet, but I'll see what I can do then ask you to look over it again for me, if you don't mind.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and critique - your comments made my day!  |
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Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
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| Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 10:00 am Post subject: |
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Hey Areida! This is amazing. I just had to say that first. As for suggestions...
The plot of this is fantastic. I really admire how well you've integrated the beauty and the beast story and I adore the twist at the end, when the little girl realises her mother is the beast. I think there needs to be more of the father though. I like that he smiles in court so that you get the idea he isn't all that bad but perhaps, closer to the beginning when she's allowed to ring him, you could show a little of one of their conversations or maybe she sees him while she's in town with her mother. I'd just really like to see some more interaction between the three characters.
That leads me on to characterization. The girl and her mother are both done so well. I love all the little hints and clues of the mother's illness and that section everyone keeps pointing out - the one that needs some work - has a brilliant touch of irony that you only realise at the end. If you improve the wording of that, I think it could actually be one of the best parts of this. In fact, I'll deal with that next.
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When I was ten, we spent two weeks studying fairy tales in school. I liked Beauty and the Beast best, because I thought it was just like my parents. [Keep the first sentence but consider removing the second. I don't think you should make it so obvious and you've already hinted of the connections so keep it subtle until the end.]
Daddy was a beast, Mama said sometimes, but it was only because he was sick. Only it was in his head, not in his body. [This part needs altering too. Perhaps have something like. 'It was later that year that Mama told me Daddy was a monster..' Then you could go on to bring the sickness into it.]
Could he go to see a doctor? [Maybe have the girl ask why he doesn't go see a doctor. That seems more natural and then the mother could say that he doesn't think/know he's sick and don't go much further than that.]
Yes, but he didn’t think that he was sick, and so he always refused.
Could he take medicines, then?
Yes, but it was part of his sickness that he didn’t want to.
I was glad that Mama kept me away from my father. I had seen only one picture of him. He looked like a beast, with his dark beard and dark, brown eyes. But he was handsome too, which made me think that someday he would get better, and we’d all be together again: handsome Daddy, the beast, exquisite Mama, the beauty, and me—the little rose that kept their love alive. [The symbolism of the little girl as the rose is brilliant!] |
Other than that, a little more physical description of the mother would be nice rather than just repeating that she's beautiful but it's not necessary and this is one of the best pieces of work I've seen on YWS. |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
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| Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you so much for taking the time to look at this, kitty! That one section everyone's pointed out has been giving me some trouble, so I really, really appreciate your suggestions.
Thanks again! |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
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Age: 19
Joined: 14 Feb 2005
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| Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 5:49 am Post subject: |
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(( UPDATED 09-12-07 ))
I especially messed with that one section that we all hated. If you guys have any more suggestions I'll be your best friend. |
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Shriek
thinking outrageously, i write in cursive.
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| Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 4:22 am Post subject: |
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Ari.
I've read this piece more times than Jack, honest to goodness, and the only critique I could come up with was over one word in the first paragraph: "Her strength showed when she stayed up long into the night, mending my clothes..." Use a stronger verb there, “show” is so ridiculously flimsy.
Aside from that minor imperfection, I cannot express the praise I have for this. I really slammed you with my critique of "Rufus." I'll admit: I was a bitch. But, Ari, you've got to understand my reasoning. I know how capable you are of pulling astounding works of art (yes, ART). It would be tragic to allow you to settle for less.
This piece was morbid in a way that wasn't grotesque. It was terrifying, shocking -- it touched that close to real life. The imagery and symbolism tied together beautifully. I dug deep through the layers of meaning. Brutal spiritual warfare has never been so gorgeously written. I would publish this in a heartbeat if given the opportunity. You're that good.
Beautiful, beautiful job. I don't even know what more I can say. Everything I've written comes up short, like an insult.
But, while I'm in the midst of heaping compliments on you, here is more brutal advice, keep this in mind: At the end of the day, you're human. You're just like the rest of us. I say this because I've let praise get to my head in the past, and you've got quite a bit here. Yes, you've written a great piece. Now poise yourself to accept compliments with class, give thanks for the talents bestowed upon you, humbly admit that you've got so much more to learn, and take a step in a new direction.
Here's lookin' at you, kiddo,
Lyndsey |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 12:59 pm Post subject: |
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God I'm so sorry I can't be much help. But it was perfect seriously. I really couldn't stop reading it after a while. I only got confused when girl went to doctor what did this mean
“Positive for what?” I asked.
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| “For something inside of you that’s not supposed to be there. We’re going to have to tell your parents about it.” |
That's all that confused me. Other than that this is a terrific read an no suprise it won that compition .
Good luck VSN |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
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| Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 6:20 am Post subject: |
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Lyndsey - Thanks for never allowing me to settle for less than my best. Your comment stung more than hurt me, but it was only for a little while, and really nothing too bad, considering how often you tell me you adore me. It did, however, stick with me, and I thought of you as I was writing this piece: pushing my limits, branching out, exploring my darker side. Your encouragement really does mean a lot to me, and I thank you for never giving up on me and pushing me to greater heights. This story probably wouldn't have existed without you.
Vernon - The mother was sedating the little girl to keep her from becoming too difficult to manage. Thank you for pointing that out, though; I'll take another look and see if there's a better way to do it without being obvious. Thank you for reading! |
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