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sokool15
In the begining there was nothing and it exploded.
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 Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 5:07 am Post subject: Mercenary Wings 13 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:47 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Dream of the Fayth
Anyone wanna play me in Super Smash Bros Brawl?
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| Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 6:18 am Post subject: |
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This was ok. The problem with is was that it somewhat lacked descriptions in terms of the background. You had it in some places but I wasn't really painting a picture in my head.
Your dialogue is quite believeable and probably the highlight of this piece.
The plot seems to be going along nicely, though it seems it could be faster.
Overall, good job. |
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Fan
Tea please......
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| Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 10:27 am Post subject: |
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I have to agree with Squallz here on that description is somewhat lacking in some bits. Its a problem that I have sometimes as well. What you should do is instead of giving us an overload, integrate the descriptions with the flow of the story so that it doesn't jar to a halt while you give the description.
Apart from that, nice piece!  |
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TL G-Wooster
one-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
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| Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 4:02 pm Post subject: |
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I'm enjoying this just as much as always.
And Kiera was lying about her brother? Tut-tut.
| sokool wrote: |
| "Naughty, naughty. Little girls should play with nasty torture devices." |
Should = shouldn't?
There was another mistake, but I can't find it now. |
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Poltergiest
Akatsuki Jam!
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| Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 7:54 pm Post subject: |
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It was really good. I like how they still managed to decieve deLucio even though they were lying. ONe thing, I get Shyzel have different clans and whatnot but explian how him coming from a certain clan can let him know when people are lying. And I think they'd be better liers s make it seem like it was a good attempt but he could still see through it.
I htink Erik is funny but you might have taken it a tad bit far. Make Kiera slap him or soemthing. I still thought it was funny in a wierd kinda way. Uh, explain how Brad and Seden were going to release her more because it was a little confusing.
It was really god and coll n'stuff. Keep it up.
~Pol |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 8:35 pm Post subject: |
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I think this is my favourite part so far. You've developed your characters really well and I'm becomming so fond of all of them. I see a love triangle developing though, yes? But then Dominic belongs to Val perhaps? Hmmm. I'm certainly intrigued and I can't wait to see where all of this goes. Shadow got the main mistake but here's another -
"Why? Does it make you think of your little pal deLucio, and how much you want him? You just wish you could talk about him like I'm talking about a pathetic little prisoner." [Even with that in, it doesn't sound quite right and it's quite a poor point to make. I'm sure that Erik could find a better insult than that...]
Altogether, very well written and I shall keep an eye out for the next chapter. |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 10:57 pm Post subject: |
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I'm pretty sure it's chapter 13. Anyway, it's REALLY good. I like it, and I like how you show more of Dominic's character. Sweet.
-Greenie |
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