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This thread was created on July 24, 2007
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Topic ID: 18111
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sokool15
In the begining there was nothing and it exploded.
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 Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 7:07 am Post subject: Mercenary Wings 11 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:45 am; edited 1 time in total |
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TL G-Wooster
one-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
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| Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 10:13 am Post subject: |
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Wow, this is getting real good! Great! I don't want to crit - and there wasn't anything to nitpick anyway.
Great job, and building the tension here. Not so sure I like Erik now.
Mae carnen! Carry on soon! |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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Poor Kiera. I do hope someone comes to her rescue but then... I'm rather fond of Dominic. Must he be evil? Sigh. I suppose I shall have to be content with Brad. A few suggestions...
She's proficient with a bow, but it's not her specialty.
Only four darts. She had hoped that she could kill the guards, wait for deLucio, then kill deLucio with her last dart. But she hadn't brought enough darts for that. [You already said there are four guards and four guards so let your reader do the maths. I'm sure they don't need to be told that four take four leaves nothing.] Instead she would have to waste all of her darts on four harmless guards who were just doing their job...even though they were the enemy.
"Lead the way, Valery dear," he said in pretended resignation. [This sounds a little strange. Perhaps 'he said, pretending to be resigned' or something along similar lines.]
Altogether, another good chapter and there is no need to split it. It's not particularly long and it's well written. Good job. |
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| This thread was created on July 24, 2007 |
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