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sokool15
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 Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 11:20 pm Post subject: Mercenary Wings 10 part 2 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:44 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Poltergiest
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 6:55 pm Post subject: |
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Very good. I think you could have slipped in the last part with Kiera in part 1 however... Anyway, I think he king is a fat, stupid idiotic fool who didn't get hugged by his mother when he was young. Oh well, they have to deal with him not me. I honestly couldn't find anything wrong with it. Oh, I don't know but the thought of Val and deLucio just creeps me out for some reason. Sorry...
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greenjay
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 6:57 pm Post subject: |
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Now, you know that one of our neighboring tribes was acting as an assassin for King Raztik, taking out men in what seemed to be natural accidents?"
Seden nodded, frowning. "I remember. But he was finally captured and Dominic deLucio, the King's Guard, put him to death because he wouldn't give up any information about the tribe."
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You should change the "our neighboring tribes" to our neighbor or something like that, since it is a he, one person not many.
Okay, that's it. Goodjob once again! |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 9:41 pm Post subject: |
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Just the one suggestin for this part -
Seden and Kiera sat down on Kiera's sleeping mallet, leaning against her cloth-covered walls. [Mallet? I don't think that's the right word. Did you mean pallet?]
Other than that, it's interesting and you made some nice relationship developments between Kiera and her brother and Val and Dominic. Keep up the good work... |
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