Topic ID: 18020
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
RatchetWriter
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 141
Reviews: 57
Country: USA -
300 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 11:27 pm Post subject: Harestin, The Tale Of - 2 |
 |
|
Chapter II
Red eyes glowering out of the darkness.
That’s what Wringe could see.
Red eyes and a grating voice threatening to tear him apart if he didn’t finish his task soon.
Wringe was scared of the Master, although he hoped that he was too valuable a beast to be killed for one mistake.
The Master had sent him to retrieve one object; in his mind it was just a piece of metal, what good would that do to the master? And it had been guarded well, Wringe had thought he was doing the right thing to report to the master, but no, master just threatened to kill him. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fun, and now he had to go back.
Scrambling out the door Wringe started sulkily on his way, hoping to hopes something would come up that would waylay his trip to…Wringe shuddered, that place.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%
*more editing needed and coming*
Was it good?
Sorry this is so short, I planned on it being about a page, but I couldn't think of what else to write. Chapter three will probably be posted in a day or so.
The main reason this took so long was because I had to figure out the plot, in order to continue. Now that I have hopefully this story will move along a little more. |
_________________
~S.P.E.W~ "Special People Enthusiastically Writing"
*sigh* "Another day, another death course."
Ratchet
Last edited by RatchetWriter on Sat Nov 10, 2007 4:40 pm; edited 3 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Black Ghost
Life Is Sexually Transmitted
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Feb 2006
Posts: 986
Reviews: 276
Country: The Edge of Inspiration
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 12:41 am Post subject: |
|
|
There really isn't enough for us to judge whether or not it was good or bad. Seriously, this is too short. I wanted to give a crit, but there really isn't anything to crit. The only constructive thing I could say abou this is that the last line was really cliche. Little did he know? How many times has that been used?
MM |
_________________
"...(smile)..." ~ Paul Harris
Hauntings - A Critique Shop |
|
| Back to top |
|
biancarayne
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 12 May 2007
Posts: 224
Reviews: 179
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 12:56 am Post subject: |
|
|
hoping to hopes...not sure what you meant by that.
and yeah with this little bit it is kinda hard to say if it's good or not. although i do agree with magicman about the last line being cliche...
as far as the story, maybe expand this chapter a lot when you get the chance to describe Wringe's relationship with this...Master of his...so, there isn't much to judge here, just expand it a LOT and you could do more with this. Good idea so far though!! |
_________________
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?p=210283#210283 |
|
| Back to top |
|
Shireling
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 16 May 2007
Posts: 128
Reviews: 30
Country: The Shire
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 1:22 am Post subject: |
|
|
I concur as to what the previous critics have expounded. In this case more would be better. What you have is not really enough to even be a separate chapter in my opinion. Try expanding it a bit or tacking it onto another chapter.
Keep up the progress though.
Your Humble Hobbit editor,
Shireling |
_________________
Calling all Ringers, your presence is required at the Middangeared group...Please? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 7054
Reviews: 1751
Country: Riverbluff, MO
450 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 1:23 am Post subject: |
|
|
I didn't read chapter one but... I don't feel like I need to to critique this anyway.
I'm with Magic Man, it needs more.
But in this little bit, I did catch some problems. I think a really, really good writer could put a lot of entertaining things into not a lot of words [The writing challenge I have where you have to write a story on any given topic in 100 words is a really good example.] so of course you could pull something this short and make it amazing. But you're new to writing, so for you that is hard.
Taking the writing at face value, the problem is that you told. You just told us everything. The only scene there really was was him walking out the door. And that isn't much of a scene, that's just an action. And I really hate the line, "Little did he know." It just bothers the heck out of me. I expect it to be followed by, "ZOMBIES WOULD ATTACK THE TOWN!" or something like that. It seems better placed in comedies or children's stories or... honestly, I don't know where the phrase originated? It's like the lazy man's foreshadowing.
Going deeper than this [I know I didn't read chapter one, but oh well. I'm sure this still holds true] the problem lies with your character and your conflict. Why should we care about your character? What do we know about him? You need to develop him thoroughly, make him a real person. We need to be able to imagine him as alive, and next we need to care for him. I suggest looking at and joining the character development user group.
Second, what is your conflict? Does your main character have a goal? What is stopping him? What is there in your story that actually makes me want to read more? All of this is also covered in Character development.
Thinking about all this might help you brush up and come out with something better ^_~ Best of luck! |
_________________
Dr. Bishop: Am I required to keep him alive?
-Fringe
Read The Party Killers! |
|
| Back to top |
|
greenjay
the bane of the blue jay
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 11 May 2007
Posts: 387
Reviews: 182
Country: here
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 2:01 am Post subject: |
|
|
Suspense! Nothing better! You know, I liked it. Yes it is too short and I also suggest changing that last "Little did he know." but I do look forward to the next part, and I look forward to see how this will work out! Write on!
-greenjay |
_________________
“...there are many unpleasant things in this world that have lain covered for far too many years, and there are too many such questions as yours left unasked.” ~Alithel |
|
| Back to top |
|
RatchetWriter
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 141
Reviews: 57
Country: USA -
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 2:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Magicman - Thanks for the crit. I thought about the last line, and yeah, now that I realize it, that totally sounds terrible. I have to at least remove it.
I'm hoping to post a new longer and newly edited version later.
Biancarayne - Thanks, I will think about the relationship idea, it is meant that you don't know anything about the red eyes guy, so I didn't think there was much chance for getting to know these characters.
Hoping to hopes, I wrote that and now that you mention it, I don't even really know what it means,  I guess I thought it sounded good. I might have to change that.
This chapter is meant to simply make you crave, or at least want more info on who the heck these guys are.
Shireling - Thanks, Um, pretty much read what I already said.
I don't want to tack it on to another chapter though, it's meant to be short, (wasn't meant to be this short though) about a page or two, so that you kind of flash over it and go, whoa, wait a second, I was reading a tame little story, who are these guys? What are they doing?
And then you read the next chapter just so you can get more of these guys.
Claudette - Thank you for the crit, that must have taken some time.
Basicly you made me think. I'll look at and probably join that usergroup, it sounds very helpfull.
Um.. well you're not really supposed to know the character yet, that comes later, is that all right? I will find out in character development.
The goal of the chapter is to all of a sudden get big plot ideas whirling around in the readers head.
Wringe is not my main character, and the conflict, (at least a little of it) is in the prelude and first chapter. I would give you a link, but I don't know how yet.
Thanks again, that was very helpfull.
Greenjay - Thanks, you're the one that got me thinking, and part of my motivation. Next section coming soon!
More crits welcomed of course! Though there's not much to crit. |
_________________
~S.P.E.W~ "Special People Enthusiastically Writing"
*sigh* "Another day, another death course."
Ratchet |
|
| Back to top |
|
TL G-Wooster
magic is fun! we're dead
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Feb 2007
Posts: 3607
Reviews: 818
Country: in Bavaria where the sheep seldom wear spectacles
427 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 10:35 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This would be good as a prologue. Sets up the story in the beginning of chapter 1.
But "The Master" sticks out like guano on George Bush's shoulder. Nix it... please? Not just to ease a Whovian's mind, but for the sake of an uncliched plot. |
_________________
Most people run screaming to the therapist when they hear voices. I write. –Laurie Halse Anderson |
|
| Back to top |
|
RatchetWriter
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 141
Reviews: 57
Country: USA -
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 1:45 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks Shadowtwit, I read my story over and over for a while, and I now agree, it is a little cliche, maybe I could just use a different word than master.
I see I have you thinking on the right lines, you think it sets up the story in the begining? Perfect. I have to get writing on this story! Well I'll not say any more, just to let that stew.
(Hehehehehe!)
(man am I mean sometimes) |
_________________
~S.P.E.W~ "Special People Enthusiastically Writing"
*sigh* "Another day, another death course."
Ratchet |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
