Topic ID: 1797
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Roland
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 Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 2:37 pm Post subject: Tomorrow The Dreamers |
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Sleep child
Dream of times better
Better than our reality today
If you dream of times past
Idealize but don't analyze
Fantasize but please don't realize
Dream of knights and damsels
Rajputs and djinns
Ra the sun god and Musa the explorer
Keep the facade alive
If you dream of the future
Dream in brilliant color
And beautiful landscapes
Dream of what you loved today
Because it may not exist tomorrow
Imagine worlds elsewhere
For ours may not last long
The red planet beckens
Mysteries in the sands beyond
Enjoy your sleep now my child
Tomorrow you will wake up
And all your wonderous dreams
May fade away
...and forever be lost |
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bluecows
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| Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 2:45 pm Post subject: |
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oh, i'm the first person to comment, hmmm...
is this refering to us killing off the planet? or am i just off on my own little world? (must be time for me to take my pills again...)
whatever, i like it so keep writing!
have a nice day
~blue~ *looks for her pills*  |
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marzipan
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| Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 10:46 pm Post subject: |
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| This was full of imagery and music - actually, it could easily be a song. I really loved the mystery and sadness behind the words...sad in a thoughtful, peaceful sort of way. Lovely. Lovely, lovely. |
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marzipan
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| Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 10:49 pm Post subject: |
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Oops, wasn't finished.
Just wanted to say that I also really liked the subtle references to things..."the red planet beckons" reminds me of the scientists trying to figure out a way to live on Mars if we effed up Earth. Dunno if you meant that, but it's awesome all the same. |
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Firestarter
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| Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 10:55 pm Post subject: |
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Sleep child
Dream of times better
Better than our reality today ----------> I'm not so keen on the repetition of better, but then again it does slow the pace, which seems to fit the tone of the poem.
If you dream of times past
Idealize but don't analyze -----> nice inner line rhyme.
Fantasize but please don't realize ----> and again
Dream of knights and damsels
Rajputs and djinns
Ra the sun god and Musa the explorer
Keep the facade alive
If you dream of the future
Dream in brilliant color
And beautiful landscapes
Dream of what you loved today --------> use of 'dream' clashes with teh use of dream a couple of lines before. I'd suggest changing it here.
Because it may not exist tomorrow
Imagine worlds elsewhere
For ours may not last long -------> eek! stating the obvious too much here. Loses the dreamy approach of earlier lines.
The red planet beckens ----------> typo. beckens = beckons.
Mysteries in the sands beyond
Enjoy your sleep now my child
Tomorrow you will wake up
And all your wonderous dreams -------> typo. wonderous = wondrous. Also, these two lines fell into cliche, and lost the standard of your earlier good lines.
May fade away
...and forever be lost
Good poem overall, just needs some touching up. |
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-KayJuran-
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| Posted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 11:25 pm Post subject: |
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i like all of the imagery especially with the rythem in the poem
but i dont understand entirely what it is about... maybe once ive
read it a few times over...
here is my favourite part:
Sleep child
Dream of times better
Better than our reality today
If you dream of times past
Idealize but don't analyze
Fantasize but please don't realize
its such a great way to start the poem...
unfortunately i dont like the end quite as much...
sorry i couldnt comment more this time.
~KayJuran~ |
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electricbluemonkey
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| Posted: Sun Mar 13, 2005 12:04 am Post subject: |
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| Hmm...I didn't really like the kind of imagery you put in there. It was good at the beginning, then it kind of started branching off into something else, and the end wasn't good. You used the same words a couple times as the end of a line, which was really annoying, and lines 7-10 or so I really didn't get why you were talking about gods and mythical characters. But I guess it was a pretty good read. I enjoyed the beginning, and some of the ending. |
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Duskglimmer
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| Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 5:25 pm Post subject: |
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| I liked that alot. Beautiful imagery. I especially liked the last five lines. Great Job! |
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