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Fireweed
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 Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 11:50 pm Post subject: Paperweight |
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I am a Paper Girl,
(The flimsy, blue-lined notebook variety).
My skin is scrawled with sooty black ink,
And sooty black ink runs through my veins.
I have a Paper Heart,
Little pink construction paper heart
(Like a kindergartner's valentine),
The motion of a pen, my pulse.
I have a Paper World
That I like to escape to:
Similes and syntax in
Lopsided scrawl.
So be my Paperweight,
And anchor me down,
Or I'll blow away
On a wind of clichés. |
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Waiting for the hint of a spark...
Last edited by Fireweed on Sun Jul 22, 2007 8:12 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 12:32 am Post subject: Re: Paperweight |
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Oooo... I liked this. It was simplistic, yet not simple, which is very good and I like your use of adjectives.
| Fireweed wrote: |
| Like a Kindergartner's valentine, |
I don't think you should capitalize "Kindergartner's" in this line, mostly because it draws too much attention to that word and there are so many other words to pay attention too.
| Quote: |
| And the motion of a pen is my heartthrob. |
Perhaps a different word than motion? It seems too mechanical that way, and I think you can make it better by choosing a more fluid word. Also, for "heartthrob," I would replace it with "pulse" because there are so many more connotations to associate with "pulse" that cannot be taken with the word "heartthrob."
| Quote: |
I have a Paper World
That I like to escape to,
Similes and syntax in
My lopsided scrawl. |
I love these lines.
| Quote: |
Or I'll blow right away on a wind of clichès,
Show me the way 'cause I'm a living clichè. |
First of all, it should be spelled as "clichés" or "cliché," with the "é." Just a little thing. Next, I don't like the last line. I think it would be much stronger without it.
Still, this is one of the best poems about writing and writers that I've seen for a while, and I applaud you for it!  |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 12:36 am Post subject: |
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I liked it! The only thing I have to nit pick on [I don't know if snoink said it?] is the spacing in between each lines and the last line. The last line and repetition of cliché didn't work for me.
And yes, your accent mark went the wrong way =/ |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 12:44 am Post subject: |
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Lol, whoops. Je n'aime pas... accents  .
Thanks alot! |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 11:45 am Post subject: |
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| I really liked this and I'm a down to Earth sort of girl so if you still need that paper weight I'm right here. I love the imagery of the paper heart and your simplistic style. Also, the ending made me smile so keep up the good work and sorry I couldn't be more helpful but I think the others caught the mistakes. |
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Jasmine Hart
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| Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 1:49 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it. The theme was fresh and interesting. I'd get rid of the "my" before "lopsided scrawl". I'm really not sure about teh last three lines, they seem a little weak. If they were to stay, and change the second last line to "and anchor me down", for the sake of rhythm, and then I'd get rid of the word "right" and break that line into two:
"Or I'll blow away
On a wind of cliches"
(sorry, I can't do the accent).
Other than that, your descriptions and imagery were vivid and effective, adn I enjoyed your use of colour. You also had some good alliteration ("Pen is my pulse", "similes and syntax", and I felt that your tone suited the theme perfectly. |
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Fand
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| Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 3:03 pm Post subject: |
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| I agree; this is really a well-done little poem. ^^ The one thing that really put me off, though, is the spacing; why is there an empty line between each? It's distracting and does the poem no favors. Otherwise, I like it, and the edits that I can see you've made, based on others' reviews, are wonderful. ^^ |
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xanthan gum
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| Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 8:07 pm Post subject: |
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And my skin is scrawled with sooty black ink
And sooty black ink runs through my veins. |
Lots of "and"s to start off lines makes it seems sort of like a list in my opinion. Just say it, don't lead into it.
| Quote: |
I have a Paper Heart,
A little pink construction paper heart
Like a kindergartner's valentine,
And the motion of a pen, is my pulse. |
Just some suggestions of style.
I really like this simplistic piece. |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 7:24 am Post subject: |
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'Tis edited.
Thanks, everyone! |
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Flemzo
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| Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 7:32 am Post subject: |
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It was well written, but not my cup of tea (whatever that means). I loved the irony at the end about the clichés.
I don't know if you meant for that to be ironic, seeing as most poetry is clichés and metaphors, but it certainly brought a smile to my face. |
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Leja
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 4:36 am Post subject: |
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I think you should hold off with the commas at the end of every line; they're distracting and often unnecessary. I also think it would be lovely were you to begin a new stanza when you begin a new sentence in this instance. Though neither of these points are terribly important.
I thought it was lovely on whole; I especially liked the end of it, as it wasn't anticlimactic (because that happens too often). So now, I have nothing left but more nitpicks. Visually, it is a little strange. At the beginning the lines are longer, at the end, the lines are shorter. Did your thought process change halfway through? |
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Areida
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 4:53 am Post subject: |
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This was really neat!
I thought the simplicity worked well. You were succinct (which I can always appreciate) but used your adjectives very well.
The only thing I could really say that you might want to improve would be the punctuation. I struggle with this too, though, so take all these comments with a grain of salt. Reading through, though, I thought some parentheses might work well.
I am a Paper Girl
(The flimsy, blue-lined notebook variety).
My skin is scrawled with sooty black ink,
And sooty black ink runs through my veins.
I have a Paper Heart,
Little pink construction paper heart
(Like a kindergartner's valentine),
The motion of a pen, my pulse.
I have a Paper World
That I like to escape to:
Similes and syntax in
Lopsided scrawl.
So be my Paperweight,
And anchor me down,
Or I'll blow away
On a wind of clichés.
Overall, though, I really liked it! Thanks for the read!  |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 8:16 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks. It's weird, in any other genre of writing punctuation isn't usually a problem for me, but I have issues with punctuating poetry.
Ari, I think the parenthesis and spaces between the stanzas made all the difference visually. ^_^ |
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Waiting for the hint of a spark... |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
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| Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 1:19 am Post subject: |
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Woo, cool, you took my suggestion! But I have a fixation with parentheses, so I may not be the best judge for that one.  I do think the stanza breaks make a big difference, though.
I like this poem. |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 6:13 am Post subject: |
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I've sent this in to a magazine... still waiting to hear back.
Thank you all again for the crits! ^_^ |
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Waiting for the hint of a spark... |
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