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biancarayne
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 Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 5:17 pm Post subject: Musically Inclined |
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I live on this bridge of rhythmic
pulsations,
dissension building between
the major
and minor chords.
My heartstrings are yearning
for your finger,
a featherdust brush of heartrending harmony.
You are musically inclined,
adept at tuning me until all the notes
that comprise me flow
in perfect time
to the strumming of your fingertips,
And I am no longer torn between
major and minor chords,
you have bridged my differences. |
Last edited by biancarayne on Thu Jul 19, 2007 8:34 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Jasmine Hart
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| Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 7:50 pm Post subject: |
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Brilliant. I love it.A couple of minor suggestions though;
I'd say "my heartstrings are yearning for", instead of "my heartstring is yearning towards." I'd also say "with the strumming" instead of "to", and use a small"a" for "and". I'd also split the fourth section into two. This one was really good, great theme, beautifully developed, and with some very eloquent phrases, in particular in the first half of the fourth section.Really lovely. |
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Fand
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| Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 2:40 pm Post subject: |
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The first single line stanza is, I assume, an attempt at emphasizing importance or depth or something of that sort--and it fails rather miserably, I'm afraid. The last single line stanza works somewhat better, but is still "meh."
I do rather love "You are musically inclined / Adept at tuning me," though. ^~ |
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emotion_less
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| Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 2:08 am Post subject: |
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i like the flow of this. reading this, i could hear an acoustic guitar being played to it.
something i would say though, is the tense of your poem. maybe changing tense (past in the beginning, present like it is at the end) to emphasize how this person has affected you. just a suggestion.
i like it- keep writing =) |
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biancarayne
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| Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 10:54 pm Post subject: |
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thanks to everyone who's commented so far!!  |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 9:20 am Post subject: |
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| First off, the comma after chords on the second to last line should be a semi colon or a full stop. As for context, a lot of people seem to be doing this style of poetry of late and I'm rather fond of it but 'major and minor chords' is too obvious. I know it's perfect for the imagery but isn't there a more unique way of saying it? I suppose not. Perhaps it's because you use the phrase twice? Anyway, you have some nice imagery and you've used your vocabulary well. Overall, it's a good poem. |
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Leja
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 4:26 am Post subject: |
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While I love musical imagery, I think you lean a little too heavily on it to avoid describing anything other than auditorily. Though, this only really occurs in the first three stanzas or so. The remaining are pretty good.
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You are musically inclined,
adept at tuning me until all the notes
that comprise me flow |
Maybe expand here on how you become musically aligned? The process must have some emotion behind it. |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 2:11 am Post subject: |
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| I think the idea was good but I think it was poorly conducted. It just didn't work for me, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the way the stanzas are shaped and how each one goes into the next--I just don't like it much for some reason. It felt clunky, and I could completely understand what it was about. I don't think the theme/story of it was very clear. |
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biancarayne
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