Topic ID: 17922
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sokool15
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 Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 3:36 am Post subject: Mercenary Wings 9 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:43 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 9:06 am Post subject: |
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Hello again! I think I like Kiera very much. She's certainly my favourite female character so far and makes a good companion for Brad, yes? Anyway, a few suggestions -
He knew that morning would bring sunshine and plenty of warmth with it, but at the moment he would rather be anywhere than here, stalking the edges of the king's camp, waiting for any possible enemy movement that he knew wouldn't come. [You have a few tense changes here but, seenas the rest is in past, I shall assume it should be in past tense. In which case it should be - He knew that morning would bring sunshine and plenty of warmth with it, but at that moment he would have rather been anywhere than there, stalking the edges of the king's camp, waiting for any possible enemy movement that he knew wouldn't come.]
Before Valery had even completed the thought, she felt a small hand wrap around her ankle and jerk her off the tree branch.
The woman's face was filled with relief, and she was shrouded in a protecting [Protective might sound better?] layer of the same dark smoke that attacked Erik.
Forest sprites were the hardest of all enemies to deal with, [You call them sprites from here to the end of the story (except in the example below this) but up until this point you called them spirits. I don't feel like giving a lecture on mystical creatures but suffice is to say that both are very different so you should use one or the other.]
He was pretending not to watch as the forest spirit calmed the woman, but now he glanced up from under his thick brows, blue eyes dancing.
She stopped before she had quite reached Brad's hand, however, confused as to which she should shake. [I think it should be 'before she had quite reached Brad's hands...' seenas he has more than one.]
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Other than that, it's well written and there was quite a lot of action in this piece. The descriptions were nice and as I said, I like the new character so good work. |
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TL G-Wooster
magic is fun! we're dead
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| Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 1:08 pm Post subject: |
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Yuh, new character.  Do I smell a relationship-to-be between Brad and Keira?  |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 3:28 pm Post subject: |
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Sweetness! I like it. I also like how the forest spirit saves Kiera, and yay! someone finally beat the winged mercenaries!  anyway good job!
-Greenie |
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Poltergiest
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| Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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Hi! Okay, it was really good like the other ones. Anyway, first of all I loved the conversation between the two guards. (Funny). BTW, I'm almost possitive that darts work best if injected through the neck. 1) tons of viens, 2) the forehead if full of bone. Kinda hard for piosin to be injected there. Other then that I could barely find anything else wrong with it. Execpt that Val and Erik probably shouldn't have given up that eisily. I'm rooting for them, by the way. They're way cooler. Okay, thats it.
~Pol |
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