~Volant~
Happy Thanksgiving!
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 08 Sep 2007
Posts: 425
Reviews: 75
Country: You Es Ahy!! haha
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 3:54 am Post subject: |
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Oooh…I like. I like very, very much. Good idea, good flow, good pace, good grammar…well done, mate, well done.
| Lynlyn wrote: |
Isaac nestled his head in his pillow. “It’s about the sea.”
She chuckled. “Doesn’t surprise me.”
There was a loud crash somewhere from the hall. The woman stood. Her eyes wide with fright. |
Too soon a transition for me. One moment, Isaac is drowsy in his nice warm bed, with his mother humming a soothing lullaby. The next moment, evil blokes are trying to kill them. Too fast to take seriously. Slow it down a little. Maybe something she heard makes his mother stop, she stiffens, Isaac is confused, then bang. It’s just…the first paragraph makes me feel warm and fuzzy. That warm and fuzzy feeling isn’t leaving me when you want it to.
| Lynlyn wrote: |
| She pulled a broomstick that had been propped up next to the credenza and rushed into the hall. |
Okay, so she’s got a broom. Where did it go? I don’t see any other mention of it…
| Lynlyn wrote: |
| his mother stood in the doorway, blocking the path of the true intruders. |
As opposed to…what? Fake intruders?
| Lynlyn wrote: |
| The other man immediately drew his sword and thrust it through the woman’s chest. Gasping for her last breaths, she crumpled to the floor, her neck twisted at a grotesque angle. |
Let’s see, do I care that Isaac’s mom died? Um….nope. Don’t give a hoot.
A mother is being murdered in front of her own child! I’m supposed to care! It should be a horrible moment, nearly unbearable for both child and reader. We need more description. Now, I’m not one for blood and guts—I fainted in English class while reading Edgar Allen Poe—but we need to see a little bit more. The image in my head right now is a beautiful woman swooning gracefully, her delicate face at peace. I don’t think that’s the image you want me to see.
| Lynlyn wrote: |
| The boy’s mind reeled; it was the second language that he had learned as a child. |
Haha. This is a bit nit-picky, but “as a child” sounds like he’s an adult. When people say “as a child,” they mean, “I was raised on it, good memories, man I feel old.” At least, that’s what I think of. Haha. Nitpick. Hm.
| Lynlyn wrote: |
It was a thin veil for the truth; the man’s face reddened.
***
His captor pulled away his hood, revealing glowering amber eyes and the hard lines of his face. |
..I’m confused…if the bloke had his hood on before, how was Isaac able to see his face “redden?” Because, from the word “revealing,” I get the idea that Isaac wasn’t able to see it before…
But other than that, man, that second line has got to be the coolest description ever. It was really, really good, mate. Good, connotative, emotion-packed words, perfect flow…brilliant. Haha.
| Lynlyn wrote: |
“Knock him out, then.”
The tall man stood and raised the butt of his staff, swinging it wildly toward the young boy. It glanced off the side of his head with little impact, but Isaac seized the opportunity to feign unconsciousness, splaying himself out on the floor with his eyes closed. The man leaned over him, and Isaac could feel his breath on his cheek, but he held his silence. |
First off, these men were so casual when they killed his mother. Then, suddenly, he swings his staff “wildly” as if he didn’t know how to use it. I don’t know, it may be part of the story, that these guys are more accustomed to a quick stab at the chest to kill than a soft tap to the head to put to sleep. But it just seems awkward to me.
Second on, If I was an eight-year-old kid, and I had been attacked by these weird dudes that murdered my mother without a second thought, I’d have absolutely no wits about me. Heck, I wouldn’t be smart enough to feign unconsciousness now, never mind when I was eight. It seems more like what a soldier would do if he was taken captive, not a young boy who’s going through the most dramatic part of his life.
You could always say that Isaac was struggling so violently that they missed their mark, and he was stunned. Then he would still be conscious (maybe not alert, but conscious) enough to hear the guys talking, to feel the bloke’s breath, etc. But that’s just a suggestion.
Isaac isn’t a very believable character. He’s, what, seven? Eight? He acts like he’s sixteen.
A child chooses the simplest ways to say things, using as little words and syllables as possible. Sometimes they make up their own words to simplify the language, and not only is it very child-like, it’s cute. I thought it very cute when my little cousin was trying to convince me that her doll was not a doll, but a “people.” I believe you want a cute Isaac, someone we love, watch in anguish as he suffers, and want to hug and cuddle him when he starts crying in the end. It’s hard to do that when he uses words such as “as well” and “worried” instead of really simple, childish words like “too” and “scared.” But that’s just what I think. I’m still being a little nitpicky…haha.
Good job, mate!! This was brilliant! I’m excited to read more!
Hope I wasn’t too harsh…haha. I’m not very nice…
~Vee |
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Dear Lord, I have been asked, nay, forced to ask a blessing on this turkey. A turkey that was very much alive with real emotions, that nuzzled it's young with almost human like compassion...anyway, it's dead now, and we're about to eat it. Amen. |
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