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Dolly
Dolly

by crimson_mcr in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 10, 2007
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Dragon Knight Legacy - Prologue
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter One: Early Childhood
Dragon Knight Legacy - A Terrible Mistake (1/2)
Dragon Knight Legacy - A Terrible Mistake (2/2)
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter Three: The Dragon Who Speaks
Dragon Knight Legacy - Chapter Four: The Legend Retold
The Dragon Knight Legacy Prologue (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 1 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 2 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 3 (Remake)
The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 4 (Remake)
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The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 7 (LAST POST)

The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 5 (Remake)
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 8:45 pm    Post subject: The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 5 (Remake) Reply with quote

Chapter Five: The Legend Retold

“I sense that you have many questions that you cannot lay to rest.” Draco was speaking as he normally did. “Go ahead and ask me what you need to know.”

Kai was walking beside Draco as they made their way through the dark forest. The trees lightly swayed in the calm night wind. Fireflies fluttered around in the dark, lighting the way through the forest.

Kai wasted no time in questioning the dragon. He asked about many things, like why the dragon thought he was a Dragon Knight, why the dragon’s mouth moved the way it did when he talked, and why would an Earth Dragon be in this area in the first place.

Draco waited patiently for Kai to finish asking each question before he started to answer them. “Those are very good questions. I know you are a Dragon Knight because of your aura.”

Kai asked, “What’s an aura?”

“It is an energy that surrounds your being. A Dragon Knight’s aura is strong and can be sensed very easily if the user does not know how to hide it. Because you did not have your wings out I had to rely on my sixth sense to find out exactly what you were.”

“But, how can I be a Dragon Knight when neither of my parents were?”

“Dragon Knights pass on the inheritance of their race through their descendants, just like other races. But, there are cases where a Dragon Knight is born from other races that don’t carry the blood of the ancient race. This usually happens when the Dragon Knight had some sort of experience with an Earth Dragon as an infant, or even when they were still in their mother’s womb. When this happens the Dragon Knight is usually stronger than one that was pure bred from the ancient race. It is said that the fate of the child is decided by which Dragon is involved.” Draco looked at Kai. “Do you know if anything like this happened to you?”

Kai thought for a moment. He tried to remember some of the things his mother had told him. Then he remembered that she once told him that his father died protecting him and his mother from a terrifying dragon. He had no idea which one of the Dragons could have been involved.

Kai answered Draco, “I don’t know which one it was, but my father died protecting my mother from a dragon.”

The dragon looked skeptically at Kai, then looked back forward. “That makes things difficult, though I guess it cannot be helped if you cannot remember.”

“Why are only infants affected by Earth Dragons?” Kai asked.

“We Earth Dragons emit an energy known as radiation. The cells in the child’s body are still adapting to the world around it, so the child is more vulnerable to our influence than other, older beings, whose cells are more immune to our radiation.”

Kai took a moment to comprehend what Draco had said. “I think I understand. But, what are cells?”

“Cells are tiny creatures that make up the very tissues of your body, your skin, bones, muscles, organs, even your brain. They are so small that it is impossible for the human eye to detect them.”

“Interesting…” Kai never realized that the body of an organism like himself was so complex.

“Now, to answer your next question, about our language.” Kai turned his attention away from the thoughts of tiny organisms in his body, and turned his attention back towards the dragon. “You may be hearing the words I speak with perfect understanding, but if you were just a regular human or demon then you wouldn’t understand anything I say unless I spoke in your mind. The language I speak is Dragonese, the language of the dragons. It is an ancient and powerful language that can only be spoken, and understood by dragons and Dragon Knights. That’s also another reason why I knew you were a Dragon Knight.”

“So, what your saying right now would come out different if you were speaking to a regular human?” Kai asked, fascinated.

“Humans cannot even pronounce most of the syllables in our language, much less understand them. Because the Dragon Knights have been fighting against the Earth Dragons for so long, they adopted our language and, for centuries, it has been an inheritable trait of many Dragon Knights. It is said that the words of this language are magical, that if you open yourself to magic and say a word it will affect the world around you.”

Their conversation went on for hours. Kai was eager to learn what it meant for him to be a Dragon Knight. He was reluctant to come to terms with what was expected of him. But, he accepted his responsibilities nonetheless. Their conversation was nearing its end.

“So, why were you in this part of Horagothien in the first place? Wouldn’t it be better for someone like you to keep a low profile?”

Draco replied in a grave tone, “True, but that is exactly the reason why I’m here.”

Kai looked at Draco, confused, “What do you mean?”

“My brother, Valmorr, has been causing much trouble in the past years. I went to go find him and get him under control somehow. If he continues on like he has, our existence will come into notice by the inhabitants of Horagothien. They will panic for fear that we mean them harm. They might even send armies to slay us. We have no interest in fighting, like we did in the old days. But Valmorr on the other hand, finds the concept amusing.” There was a hint of bitterness to his voice in the last sentence.

Kai didn’t understand why this would worry Draco. “If the Earth Dragons are as powerful as people think they are, then why do you have to worry whether or not the humans try to stop you? You can use your powers to kill whoever tries to kill you.”

“Yes, but then what? What do you think the humans’ reaction to that would be?”

Kai suddenly understood what Draco was getting at. “I guess they’d send others to try and kill you.”

“Exactly. The humans would think that we started something by defending ourselves and killing those who tried to kill us. Every time they will send more and more people after us until it gets to the point where we are pursued by armies larger than you can imagine. We will be hunted down until we are killed, only to be resurrected and killed again. It will be as bad as it was when we first set foot on this planet. We do not wish to fight.”

After a moment of thought, Kai realized something, “Wait, the legends state that the Earth Dragons destroyed civilizations and terrorized the planet. Why would it say that if the Earth Dragons never wanted to fight in the first place?”

“We didn’t, but who do you think were the ones who wrote the legends in the first place?” Draco went on before giving Kai a chance to answer. “The legends were written in the views of man. People fear what they do not understand. The humans were the ones who started the feud because, in their eyes, we were savage beasts. At that time Dragon Knights had the same view. After their attempt to seal our negative energies into the sword of legend known as the Tenjin we decided to… ‘humor’ them and put most of our positive energies into it instead. They thought they knew what they were doing when in fact it was solely our will that allowed the Tenjin to come into existence. The idea of a sword that had our positive powers served as a good weapon against the inevitable.”

“Inevitable?” Kai wasn’t quite sure what Draco meant.

“For us, when it comes to good and evil it is not possible to stay sane if there is more of one than the other. For all the positive energy we put into the Tenjin, we had to put the same amount of negative energy into something else.”

Kai was very interested now. “Where did you put it?”

Draco stopped walking and looked up into the night sky. “That.”

Kai looked up at the sky as well. In the middle of the sky he saw the full moon. “The moon?”

Draco replied, “Yes, the moon. Do you know why it glows ever so in the night sky?”

Kai thought for a moment and replied, “No, not really.”

“It glows that bright because it is full of our negative energies. The amount of energy in the moon is so great that it emanates onto the planet, but only a little. And, even though it is our energy that comes out of the moon, we ourselves are not the only ones that are effected by it.”

“How so?”

“Werewolves transform on the night of a full moon. Vampires feed on the living during the night.” Draco looked at Kai. “And have you ever seen the undead wander in broad daylight?” Kai stayed silent for a moment. He was amazed at how much of an effect of what just a little of the Earth Dragons’ negative energy can do. The concept scared him, but somewhere in the back of his mind it thrilled him.

“Is that why every five thousand years you all turn evil?”

Draco and Kai continued walking. “The moon itself cannot hold our negative energies forever. So yes, that is why that happens. Every five thousand years the moon will release the energies back to us due to exhaustion, this is what humans refer to as ‘The Darkest Omen’. This has happened ever since the Tenjin was created, and will continue to happen until the destruction of the planet. Just like I said before, an Earth Dragon cannot have more evil than good without going insane. Our newfound powers will make us lose our minds and cause destruction on a global scale. When we are killed in this state all of our negative energies, not just a fraction, will go back to the moon. This will create the energy needed to recreate Krazatan the Chaos Dragon.”

“If all your negative energy goes into making Krazatan, does all the positive stuff go into the Tenjin?”

“Most of it, yes. But, a fraction of it fuses with a sentient life form that has had the most influence towards us. This would be the Dragon Knights.”

“Now it’s all starting to make sense to me. The Dragon Knights are what they are because of you! Your actions on this planet created the only life forms that could actually defeat you! Their wings symbolize the connection between them and the Earth Dragons.”

“That’s right.”

“And, your positive energies are given to the Dragon Knights.”

“No. Just one.”

Kai looked at Draco. “Just one?”

“That’s right.”

“But, the Dragon Knights and the Earth Dragons are all connected. You all have equal influence. It can’t all just go to one person!”

“Your head is in the right place, but your ideas are not. What is left of our energy goes to the Dragon Knight that holds the Tenjin. Dragon Knights are the only ones who can wield the Tenjin; therefore the one holding the sword is the one with the most influence towards us. So, if most of our positive energies go to the sword, then what is left fuses with the one who holds it. This gives the Dragon Knight the extra strength he needs to unlock the Tenjin’s full power.”

Kai spoke to himself. “The Legendary Dragon Knight.”

Draco replied, “Correct, at least that’s what the humans call him.”

“What do you call him?”

“Our name for the Legendary Dragon Knight cannot be pronounced with your untrained tongue.”

“I see.”

Draco went on. “The Legendary Dragon Knight becomes strong enough to use the sword to its fullest potential. But, so much power is required to defeat the Chaos Dragon that the Legendary Dragon Knight usually dies in the process. But, this gives us, the Earth Dragons, the distraction we need to put ourselves back together and return the proper amount of negative and positive energies back into the moon and the sword. But, because the Legendary Dragon Knight usually dies the power that he himself had been granted fades away with him. So, we have to put more negative energy into the moon, making the Chaos Dragon even more powerful each time around. The only way we could stop this now is to destroy the moon and the Tenjin and regain our powers, but because some of our positive energies have already disappeared we would go insane. You see, we are caught in a dangerous cycle. Whether it is broken or not, sooner or later Krazatan will destroy everything.”

Kai wanted to change the subject. The thought of an inevitable apocalypse is making him feel depressed. “How strong is the Tenjin?”

“When the Tenjin is being used at its fullest potential, the very fragmentation of time itself is at risk.”

The very thought of such power even existing amazed Kai to no extent. If time itself becomes at risk when the Tenjin is used to its fullest, that would make it possible for one to travel through time. “That’s… I don’t know what to think of that.”

“The concept itself does put people at a loss for words. Not to worry though, this probably won’t happen in your lifetime.”

“This probably won’t happen in my life time?”

Draco ignored the question. “But, I’ve gotten off topic. The reason why I’m telling you all of this is because I need your help.”

Kai stopped, “You need my help?”

Draco stopped and turned around to face Kai. “Yes. You are about to be given the greatest authority in all of the world, but also the greatest responsibility.”

The two of them stared at each other for a moment in silence. Kai was worried about what Draco would tell him next. “What do you mean?”

“I am leading you to a cave. Inside this cave is a chamber known as The Chamber Of Elements where a shrine called The Master Shrine lays, the last resting place of the mighty Tenjin. I need your help to find my brother and put an end to what he is doing, but in order to do that you need to be able to defeat him. You yourself are not strong enough to do this on your own, so the sword will give you the extra strength you need to succeed.”

Kai, once again, found himself at a loss for words. He is being offered the Tenjin, the blade of the Dragon Knights, the most powerful weapon in the world, and possibly the universe. The responsibilities of having the sword made Kai think twice about actually accepting it. Kai started to decide to let the offer pass.

“You are weak indeed. You are being offered a great power yet you do not wish to take it. Such foolishness will bring about your destruction. Take the sword, and together we will ravage the Earth until none stand in our way!”

Kai replied to the voice with his own thought. I will take the Tenjin, but I will not let you anywhere near its power. The voice in his head began to laugh maniacally.

“Take heed, you cannot take back your word. I will have my power, one way or another.”

Then I will use that power to defeat you. Kai shut out the voice and turned back to Draco. “I accept the responsibilities of the sword. I shall use it to put a stop to Valmorr’s deeds.”

Draco sneered the side of his lip, indicating that he was smiling. “Then follow me, Dragon Knight, and together we shall unlock the Tenjin’s dormant powers.”

With that, Draco led Kai through a thicket of bushes to their right. They came to a hidden cave. Kai started to walk through the entrance when he bumped his nose on something really hard. He stepped back, holding his nose to try and it from bleeding. Kai didn’t notice before but a red, transparent wall type barrier lined the entrance of the cave.

“Watch your step.”

“Thanks for the warning.” Kai replied, sarcastically. Draco walked up to the barrier. His eyes glowed with a white light and the barrier slowly disappeared. Kai asked, “What was that?”

“It’s a barrier. It keeps most demons and humans out of this cave.”

“Most?” Kai asked, worriedly.

Draco ignored him and walked into the cave. Kai followed close, and cautiously behind.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 11:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All that about the Chaos Dragon and Dragon Knights sounds intimidating... Smile But that bit about the moon and negative energies was good.

My main worry is that "Dragon Knights" sounds suspiciously like an Eragon rip-off with "Dragon Riders". And the legend of a Knight who will be oh-so-powerful and use a magical weapon of great power.... it's cliched. Sorry, but it is.

And your dialogue could use some tweaking.

Dynamo wrote:
“I sense that you have many questions that you cannot lay to rest.”


Example here. It just sounds too much of a Yoda/old Obi-Wan type speech. Use contractions in dialogue (isn't can't couldn't shouldn't) as they make it sound more natural.


Dynamo wrote:
Kai wanted to change the subject. The thought of an inevitable apocalypse is making him feel depressed.


Rolling Eyes Well, DUH he's gonna be "depressed" at an inevitable apocalypse. "Depressed" is too mild. SHOW how he feels in his facial expression, his dialogue, his body language.


Dynamo wrote:
Kai was very interested now. “Where did you put it?”

Draco stopped walking and looked up into the night sky. “That.


"There" would be better, as the question was WHERE the negative stuff was put.


Dynamo wrote:
Kai was very interested now. “Where did you put it?”

Draco stopped walking and looked up into the night sky. “That.”

Kai looked up at the sky as well. In the middle of the sky he saw the full moon. “The moon?”

Draco replied, “Yes, the moon. Do you know why it glows ever so in the night sky?”

Kai thought for a moment and replied, “No, not really.”


Ever so = weird phrase. Take it out.

Use something else to start a sentance with. All this is "Draco did/said this" and "Kai did/said that" without exploring other ways. Exploit your tags!

See here:

Dynamo wrote:
Draco replied in a grave tone, “True, but that is exactly the reason why I’m here.”


The bit about "the grave tone" runs on for too long and detracts from the dialogue itself. Snoink, I think, once said not to add an adverb to tags, show the emotion in the dialogue. While adverbs are useful, this is an example of Snoink's point. The tag grabs all the attention.

Those are only a few things; otherwise this was good, and it kept me reading. My warning is to its possible cliched-ness, stilted dialogue (remember, if you wouldn't say, then neither would your characters) and too long tags. And different ways to start sentances. Smile

Happy tweaking!

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 1:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, perhaps it is cliched but not in the sense you're speaking of. I got my inspiration to write this story from Eragon, that much is true. But that's not where I got my IDEAS. If anything, the only similarity between the two (Once you get to read most of the story) is the fact that dragons exist, nothing more. But, thanks for voicing your concerns and critics nonetheless.

I don't mean to spoil the surprise, but it's likely that nobody will remember this by the time my work is/might be published. The main character gets possessed by the evil spirit inside of him at the end of this saga, which causes him to become the main antagonist in the next saga where his son has to fight him.

So, no, it's definitely NOT cliched from Eragon, not in the sense you're speaking of.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 6:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool, this is getting really interesting now. Isn't the evil spirit meant to have red text though?

Once more I can't find much wrong with it, save for what has already been mentioned.

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