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The Forgotten Begotten (Your Take on the Human Paradox)
The Forgotten Begotten (Your Take on the Human Paradox)

by Galerius in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 7, 2007
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The Chased!

Topic ID: 17670
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greenjay   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 4:48 pm    Post subject: The Chased! Reply with quote

The night was cold and I pulled my ragged coat close to me. The barely visible trees rose around me like impassible giants wanting to pull me into their depths. I stayed in the middle of the road straining my ear for any sound. Nothing. Not a thing stirred. I could barely hear the wind whispering death through the trees. The only thing alive in this darkness was me and my steed.

Then he came. My pony stopped, sniffed, and neighed. The almost yelling sound cracked the silence. I swear the pony jumped at his own voice. I stopped and listened. Slowly a sound reached my ears. Was it a trick of the strange silence or was it real? I decided not to take chances so I started to trot of. Then it came to me, loud and clear. It was another rider, but by the sound of it he had a big horse. I rode; sweat pouring down my nervous face. The noise came closer and I looked back. For a second I saw something on the road; then nomore.

“Ahhhh!” A blinding light flashed in my eyes, and I toppled off my scared pony. A rider flew past! He wore a black coat making him invisible at night. He also had a short spear with a flaming bundle on the pointed end.

As soon as he rode past I dragged myself behind a tree and lay concealed in some brush. The chase was on!

Slowly, so slowly, I got up. I heard him searching on the path behind me. Never in my life was I so grateful for the dark as then. The dark enveloped me and his body shielded me from my adversaries probing eyes. With him covering me I blindly tiptoed farther into his depths and fathoms.

I heard the black-robed man entering the forest, coming closer and closer. I tiptoed away from him and the noise grew fainter and fainter. I relaxed and decided to stop for a while. I lend against a tree and stayed there for a while. Eventually I caught my breath (caused more by the scare than anything) and sat down to think. Why would this black robed man be trying to kill me and is he one of the enemy spies?

I thought about this for a while when all of a sudden a hand grabbed me and I felt a sword jab my back. “Where is the scroll!?” He hissed.

“It’s in the saddle bag!” I croaked, not being able to breathe very well. He dragged me along obviously not trusting my word. If he had been smart he would have looked on me first for it was just stuck in my belt.

I decided not to stay around and chat, so I made my move. Quickly, I gave him a hard punch in the stomach and ran away as fast as possible. Quietly, I crawled under a thick limbed bush, concealed for the moment. Crack! We both looked toward the sound. A branch had fallen from the tree above me! He advanced, looking cautiously around.

I saw his face as he passed; long and worn. He looked about 30 years old and had a long pointed nose. He also had thick and slightly curly brown hair that almost covered his brown eyes. His big black coat brushed the bush as he past. He looked down.

Our eyes met for a second. His sword hacked a branch above me and I did the only thing I could. I rammed his feet and knocked him to the ground. Then I turned around and slashed, but my weapon only cut his cloak. Steel met with a loud clang as I stabbed again. I heard a sickening creak as he started to push against my small blade. It wouldn’t hold long! Quickly I pulled back and tried once more. It did the same. I slowly backed up until we were in the shadow of a tall oak. Then I bolted off into the trees with him close on my tail.

Branches tore at me as they flew past but nothing would stop me. Still I needed someplace to hide. I headed toward a big oak, the leaves cracking under my weary feet. I grabbed the nearest branch and pulled myself up, wrapping my legs around it. Slowly I pulled myself on top of it and swung to the next. I saw a thick branch about half way up and worked my way to it. I was on the closest branch when I heard something approaching. I leapt, slipped off, and grabbed on. I hastily lifted my legs up and hung there upside down.

Slowly he came into view. He was sneaking through the dim forest, looking left and right not missing anything. His long curved scimitar glinted as the moon shone off it. He circled the clearing and passed right under me.

Slowly he entered the clearing and stepped into the moonlight. His eyes shone with evil as he checked every bush and tree. I had slipped off into the night when he turned his back.

I snuck past the unmoving oaks heading toward where I thought the path was. After a while I came to a big bush. It was the one I hid in before. I started to follow my tracks back to the road but lost them. Finally I saw the road up ahead, but I was not alone!

My unknown enemy was on the road. He was on a horse and seemed to be waiting for something. I ducked behind a tree and he seemed not to have notice me. I crept along from tree to tree following the road trying to get out of the forest. As soon as I went around the first curve in the path I heard a clip-clop of a horse. It was coming from behind, but soon stopped. I continued on and I heard it again. He was following me!

I wanted to go into the safety of the forest’s depths, but didn’t dare getting lost again. So I just kept on going. Then suddenly I heard something up ahead! It was him. Don’t ask me how he got there so fast but he did. My first thought was to escape but why run when I could finish it right here and now!

I drew steel and snuck up to the noise. I saw him leaning against a thick oak. My padded shoes made no noise as I walked on the mosses and ferns. I kept the tree in between me and him and finally reached it. Slowly I crept around it. I carefully lifted my blade and suddenly slashed him on the throat. He fell with a gurgle.

I was exhausted, and I stumbled onto the road and fell. I lay there trying to decide if I should go home or deliver the letter. Finally, I decided to deliver it and pulled my self up.

He charged! A hoof crushed my left arm with a sound like a branch breaking. Pain engulfed me and my cry shattered the fragile night. At that his horse reared. His burning spear brushed him and he fell like a burning comet off his steed. He shed his flaming clock and ran, tripping over it. He fell for the last time. I stood over his writhing corpse and finished what the fire had started. So there were two riders.

Quickly I walked off into the unfriendly night, into the forest. The scroll would be delivered.

THE END


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Last edited by greenjay on Mon Jul 09, 2007 3:54 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Black Ghost   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 5:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey greenjay! I always enjoy reading your pieces, they're always so full of action. Good stuff. Razz

Now on to the critique:

Quote:
I am going to tell you about something that happened to me. Something that doesn’t happen to many people… or any…


Not seeing much point in these sentences. From the events that unfold in the story it should be obvious that it doesn't happen to many people. Cut these out, please.

Quote:
At that time I was a general’s servant, and generally ran errands or delivered letters. Many of these things led me to the army base south of his home. Southwest was a small village and both north and south were tall oak forests. My normal route to the army base used a small, overgrown path running zigzags through the southern one.

Then one evening the general told me to run a scroll to the base and give it to a man named Don Jones. I really didn’t want to. It was getting dark and our country was on the verge of a horrible war. I didn’t want to prance around after dark but I didn’t have a choice. He would beat me if I didn’t obey so I grabbed my foot long dagger (the only weapon allowed) and saddled a pony. The general gave me a few careful instructions (the scroll seemed to be a pretty important thing) and I rode off.


Now I know this information is relevant to the story, but here isn't the place for it. In its present form, this is an infodump. And infodumps are bad. When you start a story with a few paragraphs of infodumping, you're headed for disaster. You risk boring you reader, which means you're dead.

Solution? Cut these two paragraphs, at least for now. If you start the story with the paragraph after these, you start with action. Which is good. With action, your reader automatically gets hooked into the story.

Throughout the action, slowly, you can begin to throw in little tidbits of information, to give your reader a little more insight on the backround. But even then, you should ask yourself How much does the reader need to know to understand the story? Chances are it'll be less than you think they need.

Quote:
I could barely hear the wind whispering death through the already hostile trees.


Nice description of the wind, but you immediately destroy that image when you mention the hostile trees. Two images are at play here, and they seem to cancel each other out. You've already described the trees, so now just describe the wind. It gives a much more crisp and vivid image that way.

Quote:
Then it came!


Little nitpick, but I can't really stand exclamation marks in narrative, and it rarely ever makes it better. It doesn't make the statement anymore powerful than it is without the exclamation. I would take it out, but that's just me.

Quote:
He could have seen me before if it weren’t for my dead enemy and friend. With him covering me (the dark) I blindly tiptoed farther into his depths and fathoms.


I'm confused. Are you referring to the dark in both these sentence, or is their actually a dead guy on top of him. This is a very awkward way of describing the darkness, and I promise it will only confuse the reader, which is especially bad since this is an action scene.

Quote:
I saw the rider fly past!


Another point. Don't describe yourself seeing what happened. That is, don't I saw. Just write " The rider flew past". If you use "I saw" the narrative takes on a passive tone, which again, is not good considering you're trying to build suspense through action. Please go through and correct any other sentences like this, since there are others.

Quote:
I grabbed the nearest branch and pulled myself up, rapping my legs around it.


Wrapping



As for the ending, I don't have much to say about it, except that this seems more an excerpt for a novel than a short story. If you can, you should continue this.

Hope that helps,
Tony

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 1:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just a forwarning--I'm a comma nazi.


Quote:
I am going to tell you about something that happened to me. Something that doesn’t happen to many people… or any…

This is a super no-no. Show don't tell. Either take this out completely, or change it around so that it forshadows it better without the phrase I am going to tell you.

Quote:
Then it came! ... Then it disappeared!

I have a problem with exclamation points outside of quotes. I feel that if you want to make an impression, make the writing more impactful (... is that a word? Perhaps impacting...) rather than the punctuation. Also, this is another case of show don't tell. Explain how it appeared and how it disappeared.

Quote:
A blinding light flashed in my eyes, and I toppled off my scared pony. I saw the rider fly past!

Again with the exclamation points. And the comma in red should be added.

Quote:
With him covering me, (the dark) I blindly tiptoed farther into his depths and fathoms.

I think you could just say 'With the dark covering me..." and add a comma after me.

Quote:
I thought about this for a while when all of a sudden a hand grabbed me and I felt a sword jab my back!

*raises eyebrow* Now the exclamation point is just making him sound excited. Try a period to make it sound more like a sudden realization than an excited one.

Quote:
I decided not to stay around and chat, so I made my move. Quickly, I gave him a hard punch in the stomach and ran away as fast as possible. Quietly, I crawled under a thick limbed bush, concealed for the moment. Crack! We both looked toward the sound. A branch had fallen from the tree above me! He advanced, looking cautiously around.

Add the commas in red.

Quote:
I saw his face as he passed. It was long and wrinkled.

Find a way to merge these together.

Quote:
I grabbed the nearest branch and pulled myself up, rapping my legs around it.

wrapping

Quote:
Finally I saw the road up ahead. But I was not alone!

Make these one sentence.

Quote:
Slowly, I drew steel and snuck up to the noise.

Add the comma.

Quote:
kept the tree in between me and him, and finally reached it.

That comma isn't needed.


You say slowly nine times and quickly four times. Perhaps you could throw a little variety into this? Slugishly, speedily, hastily, rapidly... use a thesaurus if you must. Also, I just skimmed over the last few paragraphs, so I probably missed a lot. Honestly, it didn't interest me that much. There was nothing that kept me reading but my own free will. Nothing drew me back into the story because there was really no point to it. In other words, I agree with Tony when he says that it seems more like an exerpt than a short story. If there were more of a story line to this, then I would take that back, but for now it's just one man's struggle against another with no background knowlege or story behind it. I hope that makes sense; I tend to stray from the point sometimes. =]

~Roya

PS: If you feel that my opinions on the exlamation points are completely wrong, then by all means, don't listen to a word of it. After all, it's your story and I'm only making suggestions.
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greenjay   View This User's Portfolio
the bane of the blue jay
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, thanks. I aggree that there is not much of a story line at all. I wrote this a while back just to try something different. I don't think I'll try to work a storyline into it just cause I don't really want to bother. I'm busy with my novel Very Happy. Thanks for your critiques.

PM me for critique for Fiction (especially if it's fantasy, I love fantasy!)

-Jay of Green

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This thread was created on July 7, 2007

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