Topic ID: 17666
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Dynamo
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 Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 3:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm... interesting. You might want to put more emotion into Lily's reaction of seeing her brother being cut down.
There's two ways you can make this chapter work:
A) Keep this as the prologue and write the next few chapters as flashbacks to her life before the chaos started.
B) Turn this into a later chapter and have the previous chapters depict her life before the soldiers came. |
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ChernobyllyInclined
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| Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 9:44 pm Post subject: |
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Hmmm...I read the revised version and it was definitely better then the first draft. But their are still a few things I would like to suggest.
The character that we are first presented with is fairly flat. Her thoughts seem, for the most, cliche and obvious. She is afraid because she is running away, afraid for her family, afraid for herself...etc. If you want to make the story more compelling and original try to make her thoughts more intriguing, give her some conflict. For instance, perhaps she isn't entirely just sad for her family, maybe their is someone in her family who she has a secret hatred for who she will be glad dies in the turmoil. Or maybe there is a particular person who she is thinking about, imagining how exactly they reacted to the soldiers attacking. Those are just my suggestions to make the character more original and interesting.
Most of the description wasn't very vivid, alot of the words sounding familiar and boring. Try to really make the scene visible to the reader through the composition and word choice. For instance, instead of just saying this, "She screamed in agony.", describe exactly how it felt in a more detailed way. Also, instead of just saying she jumped over 'corpses', describe what the corpses looked like. This also applies to the where you say she keeps 'splashing in pools of blood', instead of just saying that, describe how disgusted this made her feel, what the pools of blood reminded her of...etc.
I found the story interesting and I definitely think you should continue. You kept the reader in suspense and caused them to want to know what happened next. Good job and keep writing. ^_^ |
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oneeyedunicornhunter
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| Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 10:11 pm Post subject: |
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"No one answered. The soldiers exchanged glances, while Lily, out of the corner of her eye, saw a house getting burnt. "
instead of 'a house getting burnt', perhaps you could say 'a burning house'?
other than that, the second one was better(obviously). that was VERY heavy revising, though. if that continues throughout the whole story, i think you're going to be in trouble. whenever my stories seem to have gaping holes left and right, i start over or call it quits. still, this is just the prologue.
also, i would have just edited the first post instead of posting the revised version separately. reading the unedited version, while it wasn't too bad here since the original was short, is kind of annoying. |
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flytodreams
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 11:06 am Post subject: |
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Thanks, guys! I really appreciate the critique.  |
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