Topic ID: 17526
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Prosithion
Menya Zovut Shnur! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 20 Apr 2006 Posts: 940 Reviews: 189 Country: A Kingdom of Heaven 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 4:29 pm Post subject: The Art of War: Part IV_The Left Flank |
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Armies connect with the clash of steel
And the shouts of men fill the air.
Twenty thousand machines of war,
Meet to do battle upon a field of snow.
A cry of alarm rises above the melee,
For the left flank of Red and Gold
Is split away from the rest of its force.
A lone red patch amidst a sea of blue and green.
Valiantly the left flank fought their foes,
Awaiting relief from the rest of their force.
Incessantly the left flank fought their foes,
But fought against a much larger force.
Slowly the left flank of red and gold,
Was whittled down by an unremitting foe;
Until a glimmer in blue and green,
Of red and gold breaking through that throng.
Blue and green fell away from the renewed attack,
Leaving the dead and wounded to lie,
Upon the battlefield of blood and snow,
Upon the heads of leaders afar. |
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The Cossack's Ride |
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Ares
Boom. Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 23 Jul 2006 Posts: 620 Reviews: 155 Country: The Sweet Land of Liberty. 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 4:41 pm Post subject: |
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Snow killed the flow in the last line of the first stanza.
I didn't really like the third stanza either.
Too much of the same words.
And the very last line could be a little better worded too.
Afar isn't the right word.
I like the image and scenery though.
Try rhyming more. |
_________________ If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
Formerly MH/MetalHead. |
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Prosithion
Menya Zovut Shnur! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 20 Apr 2006 Posts: 940 Reviews: 189 Country: A Kingdom of Heaven 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 4:57 pm Post subject: |
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| It wasn't supposed to rhyme ^_^ |
_________________ Check out my site: Broken Strings
Critiques appreciated:
The Cossack's Ride |
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Ares
Boom. Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 23 Jul 2006 Posts: 620 Reviews: 155 Country: The Sweet Land of Liberty. 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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I know.
I'm saying I think it would be better if you did rhyme. |
_________________ If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
Formerly MH/MetalHead. |
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Fandilocks
Minxfrau. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 23 Jul 2006 Posts: 1350 Reviews: 368 Country: Cockaigne 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 2:27 pm Post subject: |
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| I disagree with the rhyming; I think this section, though not as brilliant as the first two, is solid and good. ^^ The only part that was a bit confusing was the use of the colors to identify the opposing forces; I think it's that it got a bit wordy, with the "red and gold" and "blue and green," as opposed to a single word for each. It works, but it's a bit shaky. |
_________________ A poet's work is to name the unnameable, to point at frauds, to take sides, start arguments, shape the world, and stop it going to sleep. |
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Riedawriter23
La Vampiress Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 01 Jan 2007 Posts: 721 Reviews: 515 Country: Imageline, world of the immortals 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 12:30 am Post subject: |
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I liked this one more so than the last one. I think this may be my third favorite. The imagery seemed a lot better and I like how it sounds without rhyming. I think that if it rhymed you wouldn't get the whole feeling of it all and it would be limited to its potential.
Valiantly the left flank fought their foes,
Awaiting relief from the rest of their force.
Incessantly the left flank fought their foes,
But fought against a much larger force
**I like how you traded foes and force with each line here.
~Rieda |
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Vincent
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 08 Sep 2007 Posts: 64 Reviews: 53 Country: South Africa, where the taxi roam! 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2007 5:01 am Post subject: |
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| This is a great poem. the only problem is that you seem to repeat words alot. keep it up! vince |
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