Young Writers Society

Her lips parted and
in Menelaus' ear
she whispered:
"We'll always have Paris."

She was promptly shot at dawn.

Took a wee bit of research on my part. [Menelaus]

I liked the play on the quote, "We'll always have Paris." You Bogart fan


It ended too abruptly, IMO, and it doesn't really "work" unless you read up on it. Even I don't remember that stuff, and I knew the story before I read it... It's just hard to recall the names.

Intriguing, none the less.

EDIT: I tend not to read titles, but I just did read yours. Actually, I read them, but I tend not to process them? I don't know, unlike some people, titles don't affect me until after I've read the whole thing, as with this. The title explains it, and it fits! Bravo *Clap*

Well, like Clau said, it doesn't make sense to stupid people like myself. I don't get it, to me it just looks like a quote =( Lo siento

Oh come on, you guys don't know Hellen of Troy? And since when has classical allusions made a poem invalid, back in the day that's all the poetry people wrote. AD Hope's word drips with classical in jokes, and imagine a world without Sappho's lyrical take on these same legends.

I thought it was hilarious, Snoink, and brevity heightened your wit.

Snoink, you are my new hero. Fantastic! Well-thought out, and witty to perfection.

Perhaps for the title?

Alternative History: How the Wooden Horse Never Came to Be

Seems a little cleaner, no?

Nevertheless, I love this to pieces.

Snoink wrote:Her lips parted and
in Menelaus' ear
she whispered:
"We'll always have Paris."

She was promptly shot at dawn.

Ha, Snoink. ^_^ 'Tis brevity and its soul is wit, yes? ^_~ I enjoyed it.


Only suggestion:

She was shot promptly at dawn.

It's such an abrupt end, I rather think it might be better for being more abrupt - which shifting the action ahead of the adverb would do, both in structure and meter... But then, it's lighter as you have it.

Whichever you like, in the end.





IMP

It took me a moment but I read the title and it hit me. "Troy!" I'm far too lazy to make research but I got the jist of it.

The Casablanca line is lovely, I do so love that movie. And the pun is a nice touch. Kudos Snoinkus!

This took me a bit of thought-- and I like that. I can't truly appreciate the Casablanca quote, never having seen the movie myself. However, the true wonder in this is its amazing freshness; its witty, and extremely potent. Poems this short normally can't stand up well, but you packed enough into each line to justify it completely. After that thinking period, I enjoyed this immensely. Many a kudo.
~Ed

I do wish it was a little longer but I like your abrupt tone and the surprise ending. I was expecting an alternative ending but not like that! Well written and effective so well done.

Ha, that is really clever. I should show this to my mom and dad; they're all about that stuff.

Hahahaha, Snoink, you are the greatest. As Sam once said to me, your work "is so literally 'shut up'."

To repeat Imp, brevity truly is the soul of wit, and I am once again reminded that you have a wit I would kill for. I love Homer, I love Troy, I love Casablanca and Bogie and yes, my Snoinkus... I love you!

'Rina, you are my hero. I envy your wit, and I want to steal it over burgers and chocolate shakes. Here's to it!

And puns make the world go 'round.

Amen.


(no, no actual crit, just praise)

i would suggest moving the "and" from the end of line one to the end of line two.

"Her lips parted
in Menelaus' ear and
she whispered:
"We'll always have Paris."

She was promptly shot at dawn."

The adjective in the last line seemed a little out of place, as it's the only one hanging around. In something so short, it makes it seem almost word-y to me But then again, I kinda like it. It's the only word that you really don't need (other than "always", I suppose) so it seems to make itself and what's around it kinda special.

I like it.

Hey, Snoink. Good to see yws back up! Anyway, I just found this experimenting to see if portfolios worked. And they do!

I loved it, and oddly enough, I was reading stuff about this earlier. Yes, I am odd enough to have big books of that lol.

Everyone else was right: once you made the connection, it was hard not to laugh.

Anyway, I'd better go now. See you.