Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

Get A Free YWS Sticker!

Writing Olympics Event #7 Results!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Untouched Ch. 3
Untouched Ch. 3

by jasmine12 in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 5, 2007
Post new topic   This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
My Sister Is An Actress (Chapter 1)
My Sister Is An Actress (Chapter 2)
Moving Too Fast (Chapter 1)
Moving Too Fast (Chapter 2)
Moving Too Fast (Chapter 4)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 1)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 2)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 3)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 4)
Their End of the World (Chapter one)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 5)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 6)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 7)

Moving Too Fast (Chapter 3)
Topic ID: 16849
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
chocoholic   View This User's Portfolio
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum

489
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1530
Reviews: 489
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
1299 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 6:02 am    Post subject: Moving Too Fast (Chapter 3) Reply with quote

I know this chapter is shorter, but I wasn't really sure what else to add.

“Here’s the album,” Ray says to me, handing me the new 50 Cent

album. “Just have it back to me on Monday.”

I nod. “Thanks so much. This will save me loads of money.”

“That’s cool. It’s a really good album.”

I put it in my locker and take out my books for our next class.

“Bye.” I smile as my friends pull me away.

“Do you like him now?” Carmen demands. It’s like she’s determined for me

to go out with Ray.

I laugh. “No Carmen. I don’t. He’s just a friend, like you guys.”

Carmen sighs. “Well, I’ll keep trying. What did he give you anyway?”

“The new album he promised he’d lend me. Why?”

“Just wondering.”

“Let’s get to class,” Bianca cuts in, and we start walking up the stairs to

Drama.

Drama is a pretty good lesson. We have a really fun teacher, and she’s

always getting us to do role plays. I don’t love acting, Ms. Jackson makes it

really fun.

“Ok, we’re going to start off with a small scene. I want Raymond and

Karaleen to come here quickly, and I’ll tell you what to act out. The

audience has to figure out the scene.”

I stand up and walk over to Ms. Jackson with Ray.

“Now, what’s going to happen is, Kara, you’ve just found out Raymond has

been cheating on you, and you’re confronting him about it. Raymond, you

know that Kara’s been cheating on you, but you haven’t said anything

about it.”

We nod and glance at each other. How embarrassing! We’ve never even

gone out, and now we have to pretend we’ve cheated on each other.

“Alright you two, start.”

I bite my bottom lip and stand in front of Ray, as if I’m sizing him up, even

though he’s loads taller than me.

“How could you?” I ask dryly.

Ray laughs a bit. I stop biting my lip, and louder I say, “How the hell could

you?”

Ray raises his eyes from my lips to my eyes.

“How could I…?”

I chuckle lightly. “You know what I’m talking about. Girls talk.”

“And you think guys don’t?”

I drop my head and play with my hands. I hear Ray turn around and take a

step away from me, but I call out, “Wait.”

He turns and looks me up and down. “Yeah?”

I reach out and slap him on the cheek. He looks shocked. I smile evilly.

“I’m done.”

Carmen shakes her head as I sit back down, but Gina and Bianca laugh

and tell me how great my performance was. I look over at Ray. He’s got his

elbows resting on his knees as Ben and James laugh at him being slapped

by a girl. He joins in the laughter, but then looks over at me and smiles. I

smile back and mouth, ‘I’m sorry.’

Ray nods and shrugs.

After drama it’s recess. Me and the others are walking to the canteen, when

James come up to us.

“Hey girls,” he smiles. Instead of turning to Gina, he looks straight at

me. “Ray wants me to tell him you’ve scarred him for life by slapping him

in front of everyone and he hopes you’re sorry.”

I laugh. “Sorry? No way. Tell Ray he deserved it.”

James nods, grinning, and saunters off. Gina and Bianca laugh, but

Carmen still thinks I’ve ruined any chance I ever had of being with Ray.

Yeah, I don’t want to go out with Ray.

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
sworddance   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

101
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 19
Joined: 02 May 2007
Posts: 144
Reviews: 101
Country: United States
651 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 10:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hiya chocoholic Very Happy

Conventions-wise, you're really improving. There are fewer and fewer mistakes every time; I'm impressed. There were only two or three things I saw in here, really.


" I don’t love acting, Ms. Jackson makes it really fun."
--> acting, but Ms. Jackson...


"Now, what’s going to happen is, Kara, you’ve just found out..."
--> happen, Kara, is you've just...


"“How could you?” I ask dryly."
-->dryly is like... droll, sarcastic, almost. Unless that's what you intended, you should use a different word. If it is what you intended, you need to make it really obvious that at first they were just warming up and trying to get into it or something.


"Yeah, I don’t want to go out with Ray."
-->repetitive; she doesn't want to go out with "him" is better.


So yeah, that's pretty much all I noticed, going through it first. So really well done. Very Happy That exchange between the two of them in drama class is pretty funny. I'm starting to rather like this Kara girl... rofl
And I'm curious as to whether or not Ray was serious about that scarred for life thing, though with him smiling it doesn't seem like he was. Carmen seems convinced of it though Rolling Eyes

Anyway, good job. Wind to thy will, sib Very Happy and write more on this!

~sworddance

_________________
Drummer, beat, and dancer, fly
The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Wiggy   View This User's Portfolio
I'm singing and dancing in the rain...
Master of the Forum

392
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 20 Apr 2006
Posts: 2417
Reviews: 392
Country: Neck deep in a novel
516 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 3:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good job! More, I say, more!

_________________
"Best friends are the siblings that God forgot to give us."
-Anonymous

Got YWS?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Alainna   View This User's Portfolio
wake me up when september ends...
Master of the Forum

398
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 26 Feb 2007
Posts: 1660
Reviews: 398
Country: England
771 Points

PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 4:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your writing has really improved!!

Quote:
I don't love acting, Ms. Jackson makes it really fun.

Use a connective instead of a comma, and 'really fun' can be worded better.


Quote:
"Now, what's going to happen is, Kara, you've just found out Raymond has been cheating on you, and you're confronting him about it. Raymond, you know that Kara's been cheating on you, but you haven't said anything about it."


This is a bit unrealistic, I've never known a teacher to do anything like this unless it's from a well known script of a play. It's too typical and it made me cringe. Please change it. You could even say they were paired off and had to act out something from Jerry Springer or something like that.

Keep this up!
Alainna
xxxxxxxx

_________________
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

Got YWS?

Need a critique, fellow YWS-ers?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on June 5, 2007
Post new topic   This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on June 5, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, A classic is a book which people praise and don't read. - Mark Twain
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society