Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

Get A Free YWS Sticker!

Writing Olympics Event #7 Results!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
My Final Goodbye
My Final Goodbye

by Kaida_Wynd in Non-Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 3, 2007
Post new topic   This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
My Sister Is An Actress (Chapter 1)
My Sister Is An Actress (Chapter 2)
Moving Too Fast (Chapter 1)
Moving Too Fast (Chapter 3)
Moving Too Fast (Chapter 4)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 1)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 2)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 3)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 4)
Their End of the World (Chapter one)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 5)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 6)
How You Break My Heart (Chapter 7)

Moving Too Fast (Chapter 2)
Topic ID: 16784
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
chocoholic   View This User's Portfolio
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum

489
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1528
Reviews: 489
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
1264 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jun 03, 2007 10:37 am    Post subject: Moving Too Fast (Chapter 2) Reply with quote

I don’t go to school on Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday. But I was

better by Thursday, and mum allowed me to go back to school.

“How are you feeling?” Bianca asks as I sit down next to her on the tram.

“Alright. How about you guys?”

The other girls shrug and start telling me about this new guy at school,

Raymond, or Ray.

“He’s so hot,” Carmen giggles. “He’s pretty tall, tanned skin, gorgeous

blue eyes and brown hair.”

Carmen has a tendancy to 'stretch the truth', so I turn to Gina wo nods, confirming Cramen's words.

“You can see him for yourself at school,” Bianca smiles. “He’s been

hanging out with James and Ben.”

I nod. “He sounds cool. But if you try to set me up, I swer I'll kill you.” I direct this comment to Carmen, who sighs and puts her hands up in defence.

"Fine Kara, I won't try anything."

Carmen sighs and changes the subject. “Are you guys coming to the

hockey match on Friday?”

“Are you kidding?” Gina exclaims. “We wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Good. I have a good feeling about this match. We’re playing Balwyn, and

I’m pretty sure we can beat them.”

“Of course you will.”

We’re having such a great time talking about nothing in particular, I don’t

realise we’re at school until the bell goes.

“There he is.” Carmen points out the new guy. She was right. He’s tall,

tanned and has blue eyes.

I walk over to my locker. The locker next to me has a lock on it, which is

weird, because it’s always been empty. I’m just closing mine when

someone opens the one next to me. I turn, and it’s the new guy.

“Hi, I’m Ray.” He smiles.

I smile back and stick out my hand. “Karaleen, but I prefer Kara.”

Ray nods and shakes my hand briefly. “I haven’t seen you before Kara.”

“I’ve been sick.”

We make small talk before Bianca, Gina and Carmen come over to collect

me.

“Well, bye Ray.”

“Seya Kara.”

When we’re out of earshot, the girls start quizzing me. “How hot is he? Do

you like him? Was he nice?”

I laugh and sit down in the classroom. “Guys, guys! Calm down. Yes, he’s

hot, yes, he’s nice. No, I don’t like him in that way. You know I don’t.”

The bell signalling the start of class goes and we start. Ray is sitting at the

back, with James, Gina's boyfriend, and Ben, one of Carmen's ex's.

Half-way through the lesson Bianca’s phone starts vibrating. Our teacher is

half-deaf, she he doesn’t hear it, and Bianca opens a new text. It’s from

her English guy. Carmen and Gina turn around.

“What does it say?”

“It says, ‘just about to go 2 bed. Miss u heapz. Luv, Will’.”

Bianca, a master at sending quick texts, replies without the teacher

noticing.

“So can you look at my laptop tomorrow?” Carmen asks as we walk to the

tram stop after school. It’s just us two. Bianca stayed back for a drama

rehearsal and Gina had a dentist appointment.

“Sure, bring it to school and I’ll check it out during lunch. We’ve got IT

tomorrow, anyway.”

I have a love-hate relationship with our IT class. I love technology and

fixing electrical appliances (which I’m surprisingly good at for a 13 year old)

but I can’t stand our IT teacher. She’s old and doesn’t even teach us. She

lets us do whatever we want as long as she doesn’t get disturbed. We

spend most of the time on MSN.

The rest of the day passes quickly. IT is the first class. I talk to Ray at

the lockers again.

“I heard you’re a whiz when it comes to computers?” He asks.

“A bit,” I say. “I’ve always loved playing around with technology. Why?”

“Oh, so do I.”

I smile and slam the door shut. My friends aren’t in sight, so Ray and I

walk to IT together.

It turns out Ray and I love a lot of the same music.

“You have the new 50 album?” I ask, amazed. “It’s not due to come out

for another week.”

“I know. My dad somehow managed to get a copy for me.”

“Can I borrow it and upload it onto iTunes sometime? It’ll save me, say,

$20.”

Ray nods as I push open the computer room door. “Sure. I’ll bring it

tomorrow.”

“Thankyou so much.”

“No problem.”

We separate and I sit down with my friends.

“Omigod! You were talking to him again!” Carmen exclaims, grabbing my

sleeve. “Do you like him? What did you say? What did he say? Did he ask

you out?”

I laugh. “No Carmen. We were just talking about music. He somehow got a

brand new album, and I mean brand new. It’s not supposed to come out

until the end of next week, and he agreed to lend it to me.”

Carmen looks as if she’s in heaven.

“Kara, do you know what this means?”

“He has good taste in music and his dad had connections?” I guess,

laughing.

“No, no. Well, maybe, but it means he likes you. When a guy agrees to

lend you a precious item it’s a really good sign.”

Bianca, Gina and I all laugh. “Car,” Gina gasps. “It’s just a new album. It’s

not a bar of gold or anything. Just an unreleased album.”

“So? If it’s such a great album Ray would really love it. And if he really

loves it, why should he give it to Kara here?”

I roll my eyes and log onto my school account. The teacher has entered the

room and is calling out names. People are shouting so they’re not marked

as away.

I log onto msn and a message from Carmen pops up. It’s Ray’s email

address. I quickly type thanks and add it to my contact list.

Ray starts a new conversation, first asking who the hell I am. I laugh and

reply, telling him I’m 50 Cent and I want my album back. He figures out it’s

me and we start a long conversation about music, music and, guess what

else… MUSIC!



Last edited by chocoholic on Tue Jun 05, 2007 6:13 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
sworddance   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

101
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 19
Joined: 02 May 2007
Posts: 144
Reviews: 101
Country: United States
651 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 10:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

lol this is cute, chocoholic. I like the last bit- that line about "asking who the hell I was" made me laugh. ^.^

A couple issues:

"“He’s so hot,” Carmen giggled."
-->giggles. Must keep same tense.

"I turn to Gina, who nods. Carmen has a tendency to ‘stretch the truth’."
-->a bit vague on the purpose of her looking to Carmen and the reason for the nod. Say rather, "I turn to Gina, knowing as always that Carmen has a tendency to stretch the truth, but Gina nods confirmation of her words."
-->also, you don't need those quotation marks.

"I nod. “He sound’s cool."
-->sounds

"But you guys know I don’t really care about guys.”"
-->I mentioned last time you ought to watch out how many times you say that. Plus, it's kinda contrived right here. Maybe make her more nonchalant, saying she shrugs and/or laughs instead of nods, then something like, "He sounds great, but seriously, you know I don't care."

"He’s tall, tanned and has amazing blue eyes. His shirt is tight (as it is one most of the guys) and his sleeves rolled up, showing the muscles on his arms."
--> you had weird paragraphing here.
-->This is too much description, and way too much talk about his muscles for this situation. If it was Carmen's view, it would be fine, but remember, this is third person limited- Kara's view, and since you have set her up to not care about guys, she would not be talking about his muscles even from her narrator's voice.

"I turn, and it’s the new guy!
--> chuck the exclamation point. It does nothing for the situation, and again messes up the idea that she doesn't care about guys.

"Oh god, his teeth are perfect."
--> again with the messing up of the view. If you want it to seem as though she's liking him despite her usual uncaring, you need to have a line about it, how she's uncharacteristically nervous/excited, or how she can't help but notice those things.

"I haven’t seen you before Kara."
-->before, Kara

"“Seya Kara.”"
--> See ya. One word if you want, but two e's.

"Ray is sitting at the back, with James and Ben. James is currently going out with Gina, and Ben is one of Carmen’s ex’s."
--> info dump. Try rather, "Ray is sitting at the back with James, who's dating Gina, and Ben, one of Carmen's ex's."

"Half-way"
--> Just one word, no hyphen. Of course, it may be a colloquial difference here, I dunno...

"Bianca, who is a master at sending quick texts,"
-->rofl nice
-->but cut the 'who is'

"She’s old and doesn’t even teach us. She
lets us do whatever we want as long as she doesn’t get disturbed. We
spend most of the time on MSN. Carmen refuses to use one of the school
computers, and brings in her own laptop. Only our teacher knows, and she
doesn’t care, so they’re allowed to. Carmen was once asked why she was
bringing her laptop to school, but she lied easily and said there was
something that she needed for a project and she couldn’t send it to her
school email because her internet was down. Since then the teachers have
left her alone. I wish I could lie that easily."
-->waaaay too much info. You don't need the explanation about the laptop, and you should condense the info about the teacher to two sentences- "She's old and doesn't even teach us, just lets us do whatever we want as long as she's not disturbed."
-->be careful with this, too; that image of a teacher is a bit cliché, and rather unrealistic. Funny though it may be, it's kinda weak.

"The night comes and passes quickly."
--> a jump. Say "the rest of the day" instead of just "night".


As for the rest, very nice. Those are all the trouble spots I noticed, I think. Very well done. Love the humor in this one, and I love how you're building the relationship between these two. Very cute. Very Happy

anyway, later!

~sworddance

_________________
Drummer, beat, and dancer, fly
The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Alainna   View This User's Portfolio
wake me up when september ends...
Master of the Forum

398
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 26 Feb 2007
Posts: 1660
Reviews: 398
Country: England
771 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 5:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This Chapter was an improvement on the last!!!! I liked it and can't wait to read more!!!

Quote:
so I turn to Gina wo nods
Typo, *who*.

Quote:
Carmen sighs and changes the subject.
Carmen seems to like to sigh. She does it twice in about three seconds!!! Could that be changed?

Quote:
Seya Kara
Should be 'See ya.'

Quote:
Omigod!
Should be 'Oh My God'.


Quote:
his dad had connections
*has*. Careful with tense..

Quote:
He figures out it's me and we start a long conversation about music, music and, guess what else? MUSIC!
It just doesn't fit........seems a little immature...

Keep this up, you're improving!!!
Alainna
xxxxxxxxx

_________________
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

Got YWS?

Need a critique, fellow YWS-ers?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on June 3, 2007
Post new topic   This topic is locked: you cannot edit posts or make replies.
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on June 3, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. - Homer Simpson
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society