Topic ID: 16751
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Lindsaroo
is New
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 729
Reviews: 155
Country: California, USA
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 4:16 am Post subject: When I think of a title, you'll be the first to know |
 |
|
This is the beginning of the story, but the main story doesn't take place until 15 years later, but I don't have time to post it right now. Hope you like it.
Water was coming down hard that night. The streets were flooded and almost everyone was at the shelter until the water settled down and they could go to their soggy homes. One man wasn't. He was trudging through the water in a soaked black sweatshirt and jeans. He had blood all over him. Most of it was washed off from the water. He was after that girl who had seen it all. He couldn't have any witnesses. She fell down in a more shallow area. He grabbed her and threw her against the brick wall. All she could hear was the water. All around. Water. A vision of a little girl came into her mind.
The little girl was sitting on the swing. Motionless. A look of pain and sorrow on her face. A flash of mangled bodies lay all over the grass covered in blood. The little girl screamed. The scream echoed through the woman's ears. It brought her back to the man. He grabbed a knife and stabbed it into her heart. She heard the little girl scream. She felt no pain though.
Then she did the unexpected. She pulled the knife out and stabbed the man. She slashed into him. Over and over and over. His ripped up body went into the water and washed away. She held the knife in her hand and stabbed it back into herself. She carved out her own heart and threw it into the water.
The rain stopped and the water was slowly leaving. She covered the wound with her jacket and got into the hospital. She was a medical student so she slightly stitched it up and covered it with a ton of gauze that she found in the cupboards. She staggered out and saw people coming out of the shelter. Looking at the damage. She walked back to her home. She met her boyfriend there. She told him everything because she trusted him and loved him. He stood with his mouth open for a while but once he realized what had happened he held her in his arms.
She was pregnant and had to have her boyfriend deliver the baby so she wouldn't have the doctors figuring out her secret. She died that night.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ |
_________________
August 20th, 2008 - I found God. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
EnchantressMuffin
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Posts: 427
Reviews: 193
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 5:52 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hm... this was interesting. A little hard to understand at times. though. For instance, why does the man have blood on his clothes? Why is he chasing the woman?
And how the heck did the woman survive after cutting out her own heart? That part was really weird. (Maybe she's magical...? The element of mystery in this story is a plus.)
And this part: "He was after that girl who had seen it all. He couldn't have any witnesses. She fell down in a more shallow area. He grabbed her and threw her against the brick wall." was kind of odd because you are giving the readers no context for the girl's location. One minute she is just a phrase in a story, the next she is falling down into a more shallow area. (A shallow area from what? Was she on a hill? In an alley? A park? A bed of nails?) I think a good idea would be to put the girl in somewhere before that statement. Even a sentence will do, such as having her running down the street with the man chasing/following her, or telling where she was that had a shallow area in it.
But overall, the imagery was top-notch (a tricky business, that imagery:)), and the idea was excellent. I can't wait to see more of it!! (I know it might not seem that way because of my criticisms, but I really really want to see how it ends. Please don't be mad at me.)
Let me know when part two comes out. I want to read it!
Peace, love, chocolate. 
Muffin |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Writersdomain
Oh, YAY!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 01 Mar 2005
Posts: 1376
Reviews: 441
Country: Oceanstone
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 11:12 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I have a feeling that a good chunk of this is not to be taken literally, but I am not sure. It was a little strange, how the narrative went from the man pinning the girl to a brick wall and then into a dream without any change in writing style or language - it seemed a bit off, but I might be taking this wrong, so forgive me if I am.
Also, you went into the heads of both the man and the girl, which threw me off. I keep wondering if there is some POV switch I missed. 
Anyways, this is a good start. Your idea, though a bit confusing at the moment, is definitely intriguing. I think if you made this clearer or more vague and mystical in order to make it sound figurative, it would be a much easier read and the reader would grasp what is happening easier.
Stylewise:
1. Watch for Repetitive Sentence Structure. I don't mind the short sentences you use, but they are very repetitive as most of them start with 'she' or 'he'. It detracts from the flow of the story. Try varying the structure or at least changing some of the subjects.
2. Visuals. This was not a major problem, but I must caution you against it. Example:
| Quote: |
| The little girl was sitting on the swing. Motionless. A look of pain and sorrow on her face. |
So, she has a look of pain and sorrow on her face. I cannot visualize that, and thus you have given me feeling or image with this description, which defeats the entire point of description. Be wary of phrases like this; they hurt your story. Try describing exactly what makes her face look sorrowful or painful. Is she grimacing? Wincing? Crying?
Those were the two main things I noticed immediately. It was hard for me to tell what was intentional and what was not as I didn't exactly understand how this piece was meant to be interpreted. If you clear it up some, I'll come back and give a few more suggestions. Nice job here and keep writing. PM me if you have any questions. |
_________________
~ WD
"For I shall make thy screams a song
And thy sorrows a fortress
Thy tears a shield of glass."
~MatteSPEW can see you! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kylan
how superior.
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Posts: 1075
Reviews: 263
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 10:23 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This is an excellent beginning. Intriguing and promising. I really enjoyed how you parallel the the feelings woman and the girl on the swingset. Clever.
But some things were confusing and poorly...described. Like EM said, the girl appears out of nowhere. You're talking about the man and his thoughts and then suddenly you hit us with him pushing a woman we didn't even know was in the scene. Before you describe the action, decibel the setting more thoroughly. Especially at the beginning of a story. You don't want your readers confused after the first paragraph. My advice on this matter: rewrite the beginning, maybe not from the man's point of view but the woman's. And stay with her pov for the rest of the story. None of this switching back and forth without the proper spacing and punctuation stuff, please  .
| Quote: |
| Water was coming down hard that night. |
This is another thing you weren't clear on. Is this a flood caused by excessive rainfall??? Where is the water coming down from? If you are describing rain in this sentence, say that rain was coming down hard, not "water". It just sounds strange.
| Quote: |
| He was after that girl who had seen it all. |
Say "the" girl, instead of "that" girl. Sounds better.
| Quote: |
| He grabbed her and threw her against the brick wall. |
What brick wall? This thing come out of nowhere. Please decibel the scene better!!
| Quote: |
| She held the knife in her hand and stabbed it back into herself. She carved out her own heart and threw it into the water. |
Gruesome, shocking, but unrealistic. You didn't need to do this. If you wrote this just to make sure she died, it's not necessary... She was stabbed earlier on so she was going to die anyway. If the woman is a magical being, however, ignore this.
| Quote: |
| The rain stopped and the water was slowly leaving. |
Leaving?! Leaving where? As you probably saw during the Hurricane Katrina footage, floodwater doesn't just rush off back into the ocean. Cities and towns remain flooded for days, even weeks. Water won't just "leave".
| Quote: |
| She covered the wound with her jacket and got into the hospital |
Describe her "journey" to the hospital. Describe her wading through water and bleeding profusely. Take this time to get into her head.
| Quote: |
| covered it with a ton of gauze |
ugh. A ton? This is immature and unspecific wording. Say it differently.
Anyway, fascinating! You have a lot of promise as a writer! Despite my harsh critique, I really enjoyed this. PM me when you decide to post the rest!
PS: Do you mind critting Pastless ch. 3?? It would be a great help. Only JC has critted any of it as of yet... Thanks!
-Kylan |
_________________
"'At's the shtuff! Give the friggin' world back to the friggin' people!"
~ Kurt Vonnegut
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
mateeah3
Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Apr 2007
Posts: 50
Reviews: 25
Country: Washington
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 3:41 am Post subject: |
|
|
This is an interesting story. Sad.  I liked it though. It was unique. Though these things bothered me:
I didn't get the first paragraph, did the man walking down the street in the rain find the girl and try to kill her? I don't know, I just didnt get that.
How could she have pulled out her heart and walked to the hospital? Hehe, I am pretty darn sure that you would die if you pulled out your heart.
Also, you said:
He had blood all over him. Most of it was washed off from the water.
I don't get that? First you say he had blood all over him, then it was mostly all washed off? Uhh, that doesn't really make sense to me.
And I liked where you said:
He grabbed her and threw her against the brick wall.
I could picture that really easily. Kinda like an alleyway?
Anyways, overall I thought this was good and interesting. Keep up the good work, Linds!!
~Mateeah |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5280
Reviews: 1323
Country: England
603 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 7:32 am Post subject: |
|
|
I think this needs a lot more description of setting and characters and some characterization would be nice. Have the man a confident, violent person so that the reader is more shocked when the vulnerable girl turns on him. Also, unless she's magical (in which case that needs to be explained at some point) lose the cutting her heart out bit. Just have her stabbed in the side. She could probably still walk a little then. Oh and did she go to the hospital? I thought so at first but then you said she bandaged herself and couldn't go to the hospital because of her 'secret' which wasn't really elaborated on either. If she went to her house, make that clear or if she was at the hospital, we need to know how she got the supplies.
Other than that, the plot was really good. There was a lot of action and I found it interesting. Oh. One more suggestion. Perhaps don't repeat water so often. You only use rain once so substitute a few for rain and other such words. |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
|
| Back to top |
|
DragonWriter
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 15 Apr 2007
Posts: 160
Reviews: 61
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 4:23 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Ok, i have one thbig fact to say. I AM CONFUSED! This is verry, verry confusing. I do not uderstand, the heart, the man, the bf, and the surviving. Oh, and you can do some major editing and add a few more detils. I do not have time to go in a majorly detiled explanation, but well you can do better, so do it.
please doint be mad at me. I just klnow you caan do better, and i want to provoke you in doing so. I acttualy beleive you have an excellent story IDEA, but that it needs a litle bit of fixing and polishing to make it shine.
tata, for now |
_________________
Twilight rocks!
New Moon rules!
Eclispe kicks butt!
In coclusion, Steaphine Meyer is a rocking, ruling, and kick butt authour!
That is the TRUTH! |
|
| Back to top |
|
order
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 04 Mar 2007
Posts: 90
Reviews: 58
Country: ...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 1:28 am Post subject: |
|
|
| This is a nice beginning. It sets things up so that people have alot of questions as to what is going on and they are hoping that later parts of the story will answer those questions. Well written indeed. My only suggestion would be to describe the characters a little more so that if you are doing this with other girls (not telling name yet) you can use description to differentiate. Overall, nice job. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
