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Bella
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 Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 4:15 am Post subject: Child, Child |
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*this was written right after my best friend and I got in a huge fight and she said a bunch of crap about me for, like, a week straight.*
Child, child, why do you glare?
Why do you sit up there and stare?
Is it because you trusted her
with secrets that you hide;
but when you least expected it
she cut you deep inside?
Remember, little child,
how you called her your friend?
Yet almost every time you looked
she'd stab you once again.
It pains you to remember
all the lies that she did tell.
She wanted you to scream and cry,
she wanted you to yell.
So now you sit upon that wall,
with fire in your eyes,
as you remember painfully
every single,
little,
lie. |
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Last edited by Bella on Sat Jun 02, 2007 4:57 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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sworddance
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 6:34 am Post subject: |
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noiiiiiiiice......
A couple typos:
"but when you lease expected it"
-->least
"ever single"
-->every
Other than that, I love this. I think many of us can relate to this situation- or rather, the females present can. =P no offense intended to males, but it's girls who tend to backstab like this...
Anyway, beautifully written; the rhyme is right on, and the rhythm flows smoothly, with very few hitches that I could detect.
One thing I'd suggest, though, is here:
"It pains you to remember
all the lies that she did tell."
-->lovely, but I think you should make that a semi-colon, not a period, because it'll flow more smoothly into the next lines without the pause created by the period.
Maybe another- I'll just throw this out there, but I'm not sure you would agree with me or not; this is pure speculation...
"Yet almost every time you looked she'd stab you once again."
-->something about this line seems a bit... rushed, maybe. I was turning over ways in my mind to fix that, but all I can come up with is this:
"Yet every time you looked, almost, she'd stab you once again."
But I don't know... I've read it and reread it, and every other time it seems fine the way it is, but then it hitches again, so....
Again, I'll just throw that out there for you.
I'll come back to this, after I've turned it over a bit more. There were two other places that were similar- really really subtle, but something.
Heh anyway, it's really good. I love it the way it is, in any case; if you'd just fix the typos I'd probably call it absolutely beautiful and tell you to feel free to ignore anything else I might say. haha cheers 
~sworddance |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 12:55 pm Post subject: |
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| I'll second that those typos need correcting and the rhythm is off in places but this is a nice piece that's easy to relate to. The last two lines of that first stanza are much too long for the rest of the poem. You should probably either try to shorten them or split them so you have another two lines. In general though it's a very good poem with a lot of raw emotion behind it. Well done. |
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Bella
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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| I changed the typos and stuff. =) |
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kktoday
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| Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 2:55 am Post subject: |
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This is a truly great poem. It's very relatable, as the others said. I only have a few things to say, and really, they're all just preference, I believe. =)
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Remember, little child,
how you called her your friend? |
I think this part would flow better if you removed 'your' before friend. So it would read:
| Quote: |
Remember, little child,
how you called her Friend? |
I'm having the same "issue" with this line as sworddance.
| Quote: |
Yet almost every time you looked
she'd stab you once again. |
I read that multiple times, and sometimes it sounds better with the "almost" included, others it seems to be in the way. I'd say choose which way you like better.
Excellent work. =) |
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Fand
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| Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 3:21 am Post subject: |
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It's not bad, and it looks like a lot of the nitpicks have already been taken care of, so I'll just add my own two cents, shall I? The concept isn't bad, though it could do with a little neatening around the edges--only two things really stood out.
1) Your rhythm. Not so hot. It didn't flow very well and was rather jolty on the whole, which your readers won't really appreciate.
2) That bit at the end? Where it tapers off? The flow would be much smoother if you'd eliminate the commas at the end of the lines. They'd still make sense and all, but it would be easier on the reader's inner ear. |
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Jasmine Hart
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| Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 10:20 pm Post subject: |
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| I like it, and I agree with kk and Kit. But I'm a bit unsure about the word "Little" at the end. I think I'd use something a bit stronger. Maybe "scalding", or "hand-spun". That's all I have off the top of my head, but it's up to you of course. |
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Shadowstalker
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 3:02 am Post subject: |
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I like it, and just to be different and argue with people, I wouldn't change a thing...although it was the last two/three lines that made me like it.
For me, 'little' works far better than any other word, it's a sort of irony you know? That they're not big lies, but still the ...lost the word. Not persona..apostraphe! there we go, that the apostraphe none the less intensely dislikes the 'friend' from those little lies. The little things build up after all, and only get worse.
Well done.
Tata mwa!
SS |
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Marcque
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| Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 4:58 pm Post subject: |
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I like it how it is right now. Especially the last three lines. It's touching and most people can relate, because most of us (I would say) have had at least one person in our lives in which there was a mutual hate, even if that person was a good friend.
Don't change a thing |
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Leja
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| Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 2:59 am Post subject: |
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I kinda thought you spoiled it by prefacing the poem. I felt pretty disconnected from this poem. Like I had to know you to really get it.
"It pains you to remember
all the lies that she did tell."
Expand on how it pains you. It doesn't seem like there's enough emotion to relate to.
In some places, the rhythem seems a little forced to comply with the rhyme scheme, but that's not too big an issue.
I think that in general, this is on the right track, but it still has a little ways to go.
PM me if you have any questions
-Amelia |
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FreedomSeeker124
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| Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 4:28 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow. It's a really great poem. The last three lines is my favorites. |
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 12:21 pm Post subject: |
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I have not read poetry in forever... and this is the first one I chose to read in months and I do not regret it.
With rhythm though, this line:
"how you called her your friend?"
I think you should change it to:
How you ONCE called her your friend?
If you read it, there is a little beat thing going on that kept the flow, but there weren't enough syllables in this line to keep it, so I had to stop and that kind of took away from the nice effect I was rocking back and foreward too.
You're really good, I mean, really good... You remind me of a less aged me XD I should read more of your work...  I enjoyed this a lot, so... Yay! |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 5:45 am Post subject: |
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No need for a preface, I think the poem stands on its own quite well.
I really liked this piece. You have a nice sense of rhythm and the rhyming was very well done; seemed quite natural. I too love the last few lines the best
Overall, all I really have to crit is the fact that there was very little imagery used and the idea itself was very cliche. I dont think you need the commas on the last three lines ("every single/little/lie.") as it detracts from the emphasis. I'm also not sure about the repetition of "child" which seems to...I dont know, patronize the subject a little a devalue her emotions. I'd also rephrase so it's "how you called her Friend" as kk suggested. It just reads better.
I think this is one of the best poems I've read from you. Kudos!
Cheers,
~bubbles |
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Gadi.
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 7:13 am Post subject: NICE |
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| I liked the rhymes! I liked the story! what I didn't like was your lack of poetic devices, such as alliteration, imagery, etcetra. |
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kirstybree
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 8:00 am Post subject: |
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It's basic, yes, but beside that I like the style that it is written in. It is not like some of your other poems I have read and that is a good thing. The way it is written, almost addressed to yourself, your friend and the reader. I like how it can be applied to many. The third person point of view was just the touch it needed to make it stick out for me.
Like your privious poems it is a common theme that is relatable but unlike your others it adds enough of originality. It is simple but sweet. Nice work |
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