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Bella
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 Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 3:46 am Post subject: Love Story In Poem |
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She struggled to stand,
The war had been lost.
She tried not to cry,
Her heart was the cost.
In a world so cruel,
In a world so cold,
One girl sits,
And cries alone.
The girl moved on,
As days turned to weeks.
She could no longer cry,
She could no longer speak.
In a world so cold
With no amends,
One girls sits,
Without a friend.
The boy showed up,
The next day.
He came and
Wiped her tears away.
In a world so cruel,
With some help from above,
A boy and a girl
Fall in love. |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 1:21 pm Post subject: |
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This poem was really sweet.
The first criticism I have to make is that 'cold' doesn't really rhyme with 'alone' so it disrupts your rhyme scheme a little. I really like your rhythm in the first stanza and it would be nice if you could use that throughout. Except maybe change it in the final verse to emphasise the change.
Other than that, your grammar and spelling are accurate and the context is very enjoyable and romantic. Good job. |
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Fandilocks
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2007 12:59 am Post subject: |
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| It was cute, but the rhythm was rather choppy, and your rhymes are what I would call "bubblegum rhymes"--stuff like "cat/hat," "day/away." Things that everyone can think of at the drop of a hat. Try taking a look at this from another angle and giving it more imagery. I understand you mean it to be a "love story," but personally I think poetry is, at its very heart, comparable more to art than prose--it shows, it doesn't tell. |
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biancarayne
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 4:35 pm Post subject: |
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Rhyming, I think, is hard to do without seeming too cutesy, too cat-in-the-hatty, ya know? I don't think rhyming really worked with this either. It seemed to take away a lot from this. I think it needs more imagery, too. I agree with Fand: Show, don't tell. Don't tell us what they're doing, but delve deeper into them...anyone can say, "She struggled to stand"... you've got to go a bit deeper than that, whether you do it with metaphors, analogies, or some other poetic device. Metaphors and the like would also keep this from being too stale.
Otherwise, I'm sure this does have potential and I'm positive that you could make something great out of this with some rewriting and stuff!! |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 2:36 pm Post subject: |
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Seeing that Fand has already been here... I'll have to come up with something good to say.
This poem was kind of...cliché? Yes. The story is a drab one, haven't we heard it a million times over? And even then, I felt nothing. We need to feel something in poetry, always.
Perhaps if your subject was a little bit more original, and you added something we could feel, emotions, something we could actually relate to (It's hard to relate to a girl just crying, why is she crying? Should could just be stupid and crying over nothing :-p) and it would really improve.
G'luck. |
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Leja
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| Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 6:49 pm Post subject: |
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Aww, it's sweet.
In this stanza:
"The boy showed up,
The next day.
He came and
Wiped her tears away."
The second line seems a little too short, like the rhythem is forced. Maybe "The very next day"?
Like I said, it's sweet. It's utilizes a common theme, so the story isn't really new, just the presentation. Emotionally, it doesn't do much for me other than make me say "Aww" but sometimes (sometimes), does it need to do too much more?
see you around,
-Amelia |
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Lindsaroo
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| Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2007 5:05 am Post subject: |
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Ok Amelia already said what I was going to say...well sorta. Anyways I'll still say it!
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The boy showed up,
The next day.
He came and
Wiped her tears away. |
I think the second line is too short and the last two sound weird. Maybe if it was:
The boy showed up,
The very next day.
He came and wiped,
Her tears away.
I think it flows a bit better. But it was still nice.
Keep on writing!
*Lindsay* |
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Alice
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| Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2007 5:18 am Post subject: |
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T'was very good, except for this one part
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In a world so cruel,
In a world so cold,
One girl sits,
And cries alone. |
That part broke beat and rhyming thing with the rest of it, work with that stanza a bit, (mainly the end part) and it would be really good. |
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Riedawriter23
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| Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 5:44 am Post subject: |
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I agree with Clau. This seemed pretty cliche to me. I think that it was a good poem, don't get me wrong. But the words, "heart" "war" "cold" "love" they're all used together too often. Try to take those words and find their connotations, with that, try to find a word that would better fit. Just a suggestion.
In a world so cruel,
In a world so cold,
One girl sits,
And cries alone.
**This was my favorite part. With it's simplicity it stood strong. Good job on this.
Keep it up!
~Rieda |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 10:06 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, this is sweet, and nice job with the rhyme, But like Clau said, it's too cliché and predictable to really make me feel, and it's vital that poetry arouses emotion. Maybe you could try to give it some kind of twist; this story is pretty stale. I kept waiting for it to reach some kind of unexpected climax; I think it would be a lot more effective if you lead the reader on, having it start out cliché so they think know how it will end, and then prove them wrong with some kind of plot twist.
I'll second Amelia's suggestion about rewording the stanza that throws the rhythm off, the poem would flow much better.
I liked this poem's sweetness and simplicity, and I loved the first stanza. With a fresher storyline, I think you'd have a great little piece! ^_^ |
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GingerLizzy
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| Posted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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Wow.. This poem is full of romace.. I liked it. I liked how the mood was dark and sad, but was brightened by the appearance of a boy in the girls life. Seems to be like that, don't it?
Not too sure about the rhymes of your verses though, as the structure changes from one verse to another.
Good though =] |
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