Young Writers Society - Moving Too Fast (Chapter 1)

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This thread was created on June 1, 2007

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Possible Related Items Follow:

•My Sister Is An Actress (Chapter 1)

•My Sister Is An Actress (Chapter 2)

•Moving Too Fast (Chapter 2)

•Moving Too Fast (Chapter 3)

•Moving Too Fast (Chapter 4)

•How You Break My Heart (Chapter 1)

•How You Break My Heart (Chapter 2)

•How You Break My Heart (Chapter 3)

•How You Break My Heart (Chapter 4)

•Their End of the World (Chapter one)

•How You Break My Heart (Chapter 5)

•How You Break My Heart (Chapter 6)

•How You Break My Heart (Chapter 7)

Moving Too Fast (Chapter 1)

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chocoholic
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Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 2:44 am Post subject: Moving Too Fast (Chapter 1)

Boys have never really taken an interest in me. I’ve never really taken an interest in boys. My friends were always going out with guys. They were always gossiping about the boys they’ve dated. I had better things to do. Boys have always come second with me. Friends, Family, Having fun and my Education have always come first. That’s why it was funny when the new guy at school, Raymond, took an interest in me. “Hey Kara!” Carmen shouts to me. I turn my head and grin. Carmen is standing with Gina and Bianca, waiting for me. “Hey guys.” I slip my phone back into my bag (I was just about to call Bianca’s mobile) and we hug lightly. It’s Saturday. On Saturday me and the girls go shopping in the city. “What took you so long?” Gina asks as we walk along Spencer St. “I had to get Janet and Vicky up and ready for ballet.” I say. Gina nods knowingly. Janet and Vicky are my little sisters. My annoying little sisters. Gina has a little brother who is a real pain. Carmen is an only child and Bianca has an older sister who doesn’t live at home. “Have you guys started on all that homework?” Carmen asks as we step into Myer. “Not yet.” I mumble, and we head down to the Basement. “I’ve done a tiny bit.” Bianca shrugs. We don’t bother asking Gina. Gina is the brainy one in our group. She would have finished already. I’m the tech whiz and music freak. Bianca’s the artsy one. She draws, paints, dances, sings, acts. All sorts of things. Carmen’s the sporty one. She’s an amazing swimmer and she’s on all sorts of teams. Carmen gets loads of attention from guys because of her flat, toned stomach (which she flaunts endlessly even with the stupid uniform), her amazing legs, blonde hair, blue eyes and clear skin. You wouldn’t believe she’s only 14! Gina goes for more of a Goth look. Her hair is naturally black, and it’s really long and thick. She has really pale skin, and she’s always wearing black. She looks amazing, though. And she’s had a few boyfriends. Bianca’s hard to say. She’s got curly red hair and green eyes with freckly skin. She usually wears this amazing stuff. Her family is really rich and she’s forever getting the latest trends. She’s not amazing popular with guys, but her family’s social status is definitely helpful. Me, on the other hand, I have no luck. My mousy brown hair goes down to my shoulders. I have stupid brown eyes and loads of pimples. I’m around average height, but I could do with some growing. I’m stick thin, but I have no chest. I’m not exactly ugly, but I’m not pretty. I don’t wear make-up. Carmen wears it quite a lot and Gina is always wearing it. I don’t really know about Bianca. I do know she’s got loads of make-up, but I’m not sure if she actually uses it at all. “Hey Kara, what do you think of this?” Carmen asks as we search through th clothes, holding a tight, red halter-neck top up against her chest. “It looks great.” I smile and start looking through the jeans. Carmen ends up buying the top. Bianca says she has to save up her money so she can’t spend it (yeah, right) and Gina gets a black leather mini-skirt. I don’t get anything. “I’m hungry guys.” I say as we head out of the shop. The others agree and we sit down in McDonalds. We order and Carmen starts telling us all about her new boyfriend. “I think he might be,” she lowers her voice to a whisper and we all lean in, “the One.” Gina sighs. I hold back laughter and Bianca doesn’t even bother. She’s just laughs. See, you’ve got to know Carmen. She’s always got a new boyfriend. And she thinks they’re all ‘The One’. And by ‘The One’ she mans the guy she’s going to stay with for more than a month. “Carmen, that’s what you always say.” Gina smiles. “Yeah, well, I really believe it this time.” Bianca begins telling us all about this guy she met in London on her trip. I block out their conversation as they start talking all about boys. This is what we always do when that happens. They talk, I play music in my head. See, I don’t hate boys, I just prefer listening to music or using the computer or just hanging out with my friends to going out with guys. On the times when any of the girls bring their current bf’s out with us, I stay home. I’ve always hated seeing couples together. It just sickens me. “Kara, could you take a look at my laptop some time?” Carmen asks as we walk out and head for the train station. “It’s been acting funny.” I nod. “Sure thing. Bring it over to my place tomorrow.” Carmen grins. “Thanks heaps.” “No problem.” Carmen doesn’t come over on Sunday. I have to call her and cancel. “Hey, what’s wrong Kara?” Carmen asks. “You sound horrible.” “I’m really sick,” I grumble. “I won’t be at school tomorrow. Can you tell the other girls?” “Sure thing. I hope you get better soon.” “Thanks. Bye Carmen.” “Bye Kara.” I hang up and shuffle back to my bed. My eyes are red and swollen. My skin is greyish and I keep sniffing. “How are you feeling Kara?” Mum asks in the afternoon, coming into my room with a sandwich. “Horrible.” I mumble. “Does your head hurt?” I nod, my head killing me as I raise it up and down. “I think you might have the flu. You’re not to get up. Now, eat up.” Mum hugs me and leaves the room. I slowly eat the sandwich and lie down, trying my best to fall asleep.
Last edited by chocoholic on Sun Jun 03, 2007 7:23 am; edited 1 time in total

sworddance
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Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 7:23 am Post subject:

Oh yeah, I looked at this- I have a really bad habit of reading things but not posting a reply, and realizing it quite some time later... sorry about the delay. This is fascinating, the way you do it all in present tense like that. It gives it such a different feel... quite interesting. If anything, I like this better than the Actress one! =P And it's much better in that it doesn't have near the info dump. There were only a few cases of it that were out of place- "Gina has a little brother who is a real pain. Carmen is an only child and Bianca has an older sister who doesn’t live at home." --> we don't need to know this. If it is relevant later in the story, then show it to us later. There's the segment where you talk about how one's the tech freak, one's the sporty one, one's the goth, etc. I'm not sure what to do about that. It's almost-but-not-quite an info dump. Now, in any other situation I would say it's a major dump, but here, with it all in present tense and all in the very active voice of the narrator, it's a bit harder. I think you can leave it in there, for now. Maybe later we'll find you don't need it. Here's what I will say, though- at the moment I'm saying leave it, but on a condition. I told you it fits because of the active voice, so you need to better make it part of that voice, and that's something easy to do. Take this: "“Hey Kara, what do you think of this?” Carmen asks, holding a tight, red halter-neck top up against her chest." And make it this: "“Hey Kara, what do you think of this?” Carmen asks, snapping[/pulling/yanking/whatever you want] me out of my thoughts. She held a tight, red halter too against her chest for me to see." That way, the whole list of thoughts is exactly that- thoughts, on her friends. Do that, and I'd say you're set- for now. ...except for a couple correction in that segment itself: "She’s not amazing popular with guys..." -->amazingly, but you do have the word 'amazing' twice in that same sentence, so maybe pick a different word or just drop it and reword. -->now that I look again, you use 'amazing' waaaay too many times to describe her friends, so you need to get more variation there. "You wouldn’t believe she’s only 14!" -->just use a period, not an exclamation point. "She's got..." -->normally, I'd go 'ack!' and tell you to cut it, but if you make the change I mentioned above, it can stay because it's very much a part of her voice. Oh, and a couple of other typos: "“Not yet.” I mumble" --> "Not yet," I mumble etc. [comma, not period] you do this again, here: "“Horrible.” I mumble." --> same thing. comma, not period. Oh, one last thing. Be veeeerrryyy careful how many times you explain that she doesn't like boys and why and all that, and how many times you talk about boys in general, how one girl gets all of them but she doesn't. If you say it too many times, it begins to sound like she's in denial and really likes boys, but can't get a date, and so is repeating to herself over and over that she doesn't like them just to make herself feel better. Unless you intend for her to seem that way, be careful. Anyway, like I said, I like this one a lot, more than your other one, even. =P so good luck with this one, too, and keep writing in it ~sworddance
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sokool15
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Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 4:50 pm Post subject:

echoes all that Sworddance said A good story so far...one thing I noticed, however. Sprinkled throughout the entire story, you have little short bursts of sentences, like gunfire. This style is especially prominant in the descriptions of the different girls. Here's an example of what I mean. "First we went to the mall. Then we went to the toy section. We looked at the toys. I bought a candy horse. Sara bought a stinky diaper." Do you see what I mean? It's all just kind of...spasmodic and jumpy. Try combining a few sentences, like: "We went to the mall, and made our way straight to the toy section. Searching through the toys, all I found was a candy horse. My sister, inexplicably, decided on a stinky diaper." Reading your story aloud and listening for these short sentences could help. Hope I was of assistance! Yours always I remain,
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 3:35 am Post subject:

Hey, Chocoholic! You have a very easy-flowing, natural style...it's quite nice to read. Definitely not choppy, definitely refreshing. There were a few things I'd change about Kara's word, though (and, by the way, love the techno geek thing): WATCH FOR CLICHÈ-DOM: This is why your English teachers want you to read classics and such: YA stuff isn't usually the best to emulate, because it's already clichèd, prepackaged and all. Since all the girls fit neatly into Goth, Nerd, Sporty, and Rich, I picked up a little on Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and the rant about The One was very TTYL. The thing you want to think about when reading for writing research is...a nutrition analogy. If all you eat is HoHos, you're going to get very sick, right? Same thing here- too much chick lit, and the writing becomes a bit stale. Here are a few YA things you should read for writing research: Looking for Alaska, by John Green- the characters are absolutely astouding, and the prose is modern, yet still keeps its poetry. An Abundance of Katherines, by the same author, is a good example of how to do a more humorous story. King Dork, by Frank Portman. This story is amazing in terms of character development and creating a world for your reader...with grand amounts of lunacy mixed in. Speak, by Laurie Halse Anderson, probably has a better example of how to do female characters than the first two. The Loud Silence of Francine Green, by Karen Cushman. It takes place in the 50s, but it's excellent in terms of making a novel on the chick-lit side really come alive with great characters. It's a genre-pusher, to be certain. A good exercise for you to do would be to keep a literature journal- write reviews for the books you read. Did you like it? What appealed or did not appeal to you in terms of: - the author's voice - the author's use of characters - the author's word choice - the author's plot Was it too clichèd? Were the characters really boring? It's important to find out what you like in a story, so that when you go to create a new, shiny, original one, you've got something to go by. And, when you're feeling brave, a venture into the world of classics is a must. That way, you get a feel for what stories have survived the test of time- the stories that last are usually the ones that exhibit some form of mastery in characters, plot, and voice. If not, why would we read it one hundred years later? ___ Very good story, Chocoholic! I'm definitely looking forward to part two. Feel free to PM me if you've got any quetsions or want me to take a look at something else.
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Alainna
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Posted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 5:38 pm Post subject:

Hey Rosie, This was good but it's falling scarily into the pot of cliche YA. I'm not going to echo what everyone else has already said but my advice is the same. Show, don't tell- Give descriptions of the moment. Allow the reader to figure things out for themselves. Who cares how many sisters the girls have? Leave it until later and SHOW us how many she has. Or leave it out completely. Listing...- I noticed that you seem to list a lot, like when you describe characters. It can be boring....so be careful. Character Development- (There is a user group for that). Try to expand your character, slow everything down. Let the reader figure stuff out about them, let your character grow. (A good way to do this is Hot Seating). Plot- Where are you going? What are you leading towards? Always keep in mind your aim; but don't rub it in the readers face. We understand that she doesn't like boys. Don't repeat it. However, the bit where she switches off and listens to music is good. I see a lot of potential in your writing and I know that you're eager to learn. Your writing is very fresh- but you have ages to perfect it. Keep it up and try your best to improve!!!!! All the best! Alainna xxxxxxxxxxxxx P.S. Pm me if you need any help! And a few books to add to Sam's list: Alice series by Phillys Reynolds Nailer. (SP) Cross Your Heart For Connie Pickles. Stargirl. xxx
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Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 2:58 pm Post subject: Re: Moving Too Fast (Chapter 1)

chocoholic wrote:

It’s Saturday. On Saturday me and the girls go shopping in the city.

This sentence is a little bit...chopy I guess. Maybe combine the sentence so instead of what it is above it's something like this:It's a Saturday, the day we always go shopping in the city. Or, if you find some other way to make it flow.

Quote:

Gina nods knowingly. Janet and Vicky are my little sisters. My annoying little sisters. Gina has a little brother who is a real pain. Carmen is an only child and Bianca has an older sister who doesn’t live at home.

What someone else said (I'm terribly sorry that I forgot your name), we don't need to know about the other friends siblings. If they become important later, than add them into the story later.

Quote:

We don’t bother asking Gina. Gina is the brainy one in our group. She
would have finished already.

I’m the tech whiz and music freak. Bianca’s the artsy one. She draws,
paints, dances, sings, acts. All sorts of things.

Carmen’s the sporty one. She’s an amazing swimmer and she’s on all sorts of teams. Carmen gets loads of attention from guys because of her flat, toned stomach (which she flaunts endlessly even with the stupid uniform), her amazing legs, blonde hair, blue eyes and clear skin. You wouldn’t believe she’s only 14!

Gina goes for more of a Goth look. Her hair is naturally black, and it’s really long and thick. She has really pale skin, and she’s always wearing black. She looks amazing, though. And she’s had a few boyfriends.

Bianca’s hard to say. She’s got curly red hair and green eyes with freckly skin. She usually wears this amazing stuff. Her family is really rich and she’s forever getting the latest trends. She’s not amazing popular with guys, but her family’s social status is definitely helpful.

Me, on the other hand, I have no luck. My mousy brown hair goes down to my shoulders. I have stupid brown eyes and loads of pimples. I’m around average height, but I could do with some growing. I’m stick thin, but I have no chest. I’m not exactly ugly, but I’m not pretty.

Big information dump! Find other ways to add it in if possible.Because, truth be told, I will probably forget if it is dumped on me. Or, your reader will just start being in a zombie like trance when they read this.

Overall, it was a good piece of work. Sorry if it wasn't the best critique, and I'm also sorry if I repeated some of what everyone before me said,like about the information dump, you didn't fix that, and it really began to bug me. Plus,it's an important change.
~mv

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Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 3:25 pm Post subject:

Hey. Just wanted to let you know that this was pretty decent writing. It's a good start. Would cut the Italics in the beginning, however. You could let us know how she feels about guys and relationships gradually throughout the story. As it is, you already have a few staements that let on how she feels anyway. So yeah, pretty good writing. Oh, but I think that this would probably belong on Romantic Fiction. Just feels like one of those types of stories.
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