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Working on Title!!!
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by chilly_willy07 in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on May 31, 2007
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My Sister Is An Actress (Chapter 2)
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chocoholic   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 1:31 am    Post subject: My Sister Is An Actress (Chapter 2) Reply with quote

The next week was the last week of school. Alexandria got off the train on

Monday, and waved to her best friend Jackie. Jackie waved back, brushing her long blonde hair out of her blue eyes.

“Hey Jack,” Alexandria called, running over to her friend.

“Hey Xia, what’s up?”

Jackie shrugged. “I’m really excited. One week, and then there’s no more.

Let’s go.”

Alexandria nodded and waved to Paris, who was talking to her friends. Paris

ignored her sister, but Alexandria knew she saw. Alexandria scowled and she and Jackie started walking the long walk to their school.

“I’m just sick of it,” Alexandria grumbled as they walked. “She gets

everything. The looks, the fame, everything. And then when something

goes wrong, I’m the one she goes running to.”

“Yeah, that would be terrible. I know what will cheer you up, my parents are going away next weekend. Nathan will be at some party most of the time. Want to come for a sleepover on Saturday night? We can order pizza and get loads of movies.”

Alexandria smiled and nodded. “That’d be great. Thanks Jack. You always

know exactly how to cheer me up.”

“Yeah, I am great, aren’t I?”

Alexandria laughed and slung her arm around Jackie’s shoulders. “Yes

Jackie, you are great.”

“How was math?” Alexandria asked Jackie during lunch. They had most of

their classes together, but they were separated for math and language.

Jackie had been put in the smartest class for math, while Alexandria was

struggling in the lowest.

“It was easy.”

“For you maybe. We're not all geniuses.”

“Want some more help?”

Alexandria nodded sadly.

“Well… do want some pizza?”

Alexandria held up a slice of pizza, which Jackie grabbed.

“Thanks Xia. I didn’t have any money to grab anything for lunch, and I’m

dead broke.”

“Yeah, you’re usually broke. Maybe you should GET A JOB!”

“You know I can’t get a job Xia. I have no skills.”

“Yes you do. You could easy get a job tutoring in math. People would pay

loads for your skills. And that way I won’t be forking out money for you

every time you want something.”

“But I thought you liked paying for my stuff.”

Alexandria laughed. “Yeah, right. Just get a job. Now, the bell will be going

soon. What have we go next?”

“IT. I know for a fact that Mr. Cabe isn’t here, which means we have a sub!”

“A sub? Yes!”

When the bell went, the two girls walked up the stairs and into a computer

room. Three other girls and four boys were already there. There was no

teacher in sight.

“Have you been doing much writing lately?” Jackie asked Alexandria as

they logged onto their school accounts.

Alexandria couldn’t dance, act, sing or multiply, but she could read fast and

write amazing stories.

“Yeah. Last night I started this story about a young girl who lives in a war-

torn land. The idea came to me in the middle of the night, so I didn’t have

much time to write, but I got a bit done. Want to read it?”

Jackie nodded. She was Alexandria’s biggest fan. Alexandria would always

email her writing to Jackie to read over. She wanted to be a best-sellign author when she was older.

Alexandria opened up her email and forwarded the most recent one, one

she had emailed to herself, to Jackie, who opened it up and began reading.

“This is so sad,” she breathed as she read the three page document.

“Do you like it?” Alexandria asked anxiously, biting her thumb, when Jackie finished it. Although Jackie always loved her writing, Alexandria was a worrier.

“I loved it,” Jackie smiled. “It was brilliant. Your best ever. Have you

finished that story about the sick horse? That one was beautiful, but you

never sent me the ending. What happened there?”

Alexandria chewed her bottom lip. “Yeah, I’m having trouble with that one.

I’m going to give it a break for a while, go back to it a bit later.”

Jackie nodded understandingly. “That’s cool.”

After school, Alexandria saw Paris waiting outside the school for a car. Not

remembering her parents saying anything about being picked up, she told

Jackie to wait and ran over to find out what was going on.

“Hey Par, we’re not getting picked up. What are you doing?”

Paris turned around and bit her lip, as if she hadn’t wanted Alexandria to

see her.

“Yeah, listen Dria, I’m getting taken to a recording studio. My manager

found out I can sing, and set up an audition with a producer. If he thinks

I’m good enough, I could get signed!”

Alexandria just stood there, staring at her sister. “Have you talked to mum and Dad about this?” She asked when she finally regained her voice.

“Well duh. Of course I have. Mum was reluctant at first, but she’s ok with it

now.”

“And Dad is seriously letting you do this?”

The girls' dad had been against Paris starting acting, so Alexandria was

sure he’d put his foot down about the singing.

“Yeah, like I said, they’re cool with it.”

Alexandria turned around and ran back to Jackie, who had been waiting

patiently at the gate the whole time.

“So what’s going on?” Jackie asked.

“Par’s manager found out she can sing, and he’s set up an audition. Apparently mum and dad are all for it, which is so wrong.”

“Why?”

“Dad never wanted the acting to start, let alone singing. He thinks Par

should spend more time focusing on her education.”

Jackie and Alexandria started walking towards the train station.

“So are you going to come over and we’ll do some math?” Jackie asked.

Alexandria shook her head. “I would, but I’m really not in the mood to do

anything. Well, anything except write.”

“Fair enough. Send me what you write and I’ll look at it.”

“Cool, thanks Jack.”

The two girls parted at the train station. Alexandria waiting for her train,

and Jackie walking on to her nearby house.



Last edited by chocoholic on Fri Jun 01, 2007 10:39 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 6:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

And the plot develops further.... *grin*
hiya, chocoholic. I read the other, but I noticed this one had no crits yet and the other did, so I thought I'd just start on this one.
The story's good so far; this section develops more about the characters, and sinks us further into the plot as you develop it. noice.

I'll go through this bit by bit, with whatever I notice. That's what I usually do, even though I've noticed it tends to get annoyingly long. sorry, in advance...

"Alexandria got off the train on
Monday, and waved to her best friend Jackie. Jackie had shoulder length
blonde hair and blue eyes."
--> others mentioned this in the other thread, but this is an info dump. If you really want the description, work it in better. Something like this:

Alexandria got off the train on
Monday, and waved to her best friend, [note the comma] Jackie.
"Hey Jack," she called. [note comma and lowercase]
"Hey, Xia, what's up?" she answered, turning and flicking her blond hair out of her way.

...and then later if you want you can mention the color of her eyes with another action.


"Alexandria nodded and waved to Paris, who was talking to her friends. Paris
ignored Alexandria, but she saw. Alexandria scowled and she and Jackie
started walking the long walk to their school."
--> you need some variation with the length and structure of your sentences. These are all about the same length and style.
-->The sentence about Paris is a wee bit too weak, and we already know she's ignoring Alexandria, so that name there is superfluous. However, I suggest, "Paris ignored her sister, but Alexandria knew she'd seen her. She scowled, and..." and so on and so forth.

"“I’m just sick of it,” Alexandria mumbled..."
--> I vote for 'grumbled' here. It fits her mood better.

"“Yeah, that must be hard. Hey, my parents are going away next weekend."
--> this sounds like Jackie is just brushing off her statement and changing the subject. Maybe have her say something like "I'm sorry, Xia. That must be hard. But hey, I know- my parents are..." etc.

"Alexandria smiled and nodded."
--> just say she smiled. We know she's saying yes because of what she says after, so the nod is pointless, and it sticks out a bit. 'smile and nod' is what I do when my best friend starts to go off about the various shapes of hooves and why anything other than such-and-such is really bad for the horse; I have no idea what she's talking about, and she knows it, so I smile and nod and look sympathetic... and she laughs at me. 'Sall good. Wink

"“How was math?” Alexandria asked Jackie during lunch. They had most of
their classes together, but they were separated for math and language.

Jackie had been put in the smartest class for math, while Alexandria was
struggling in the lowest."
-->another info dump. Work it in; have her ask how it was and all, but cut out the explanation. You show us this anyway, and you can flesh it out to make it tell us all if you want. When Alexandria says, "For you, maybe," that shows us already. You can expand it; "For you, maybe. Some of us aren't overachievers in higher math courses."
Jackie grinned. "Want some more help?"

On that same note, you don't have to tell us that she regularly gave Alexandria help, because of the word "more" in there. Give your readers some credit; we can figure these things out. =P

"What have we go next?”"
--> ...what? *scratches head confusedly*

"Jackie nodded. She was Alexandria’s biggest fan. Alexandria would always
email her writing to Jackie to read over. Both girls loved reading, and often
decided to read the same book and then discuss it. But, although Jackie
loved writing, it wasn’t her strongest point. Jackie wanted to become a
scientist after she left school, whereas Alexandria wanted to become a best-
selling author."
--> again, too much info. Keep the first two sentences, but... you have to at least reword the sentence so we don't feel like you're saying, "oh by the way, and here's some stuff about their background. They do such-and-such and always did this and that."
You're a more skilled writer than that, sib. *wags finger*

"Alexandria opened up her email and forwarded the most recent one, one
she had emailed to herself, to Jackie, who opened it up and began reading."
-->cut the phrase about emailing it to herself. It's unnecessary.

"“This is so sad.” She breathed as she read the three page document."
-->again: comma, quotation mark" lowercase she. "...sad,' she breathed..."
--> unless she's a god, then you're free to keep the capital S, but the period still must go.

"...Alexandria asked anxiously when Jackie finished it, biting
her thumb. Although it was rare for somebody to not like her writing,
Alexandria always worried after it was read."
-->rearrange, because it sounds like Jackie is biting her thumb. "...asked anxiously, biting her thumb, when Jackie had finished reading."
-->cut the 'although it was rare'; I get you're trying to show that she's good, but this sounds a wee bit prideful and unrealistic. There will always be people who don't like a piece of writing, even if it's only because it's not their style or their favorite genre. Even the greatest of classics get booed.
-->that last sentence is also a bit of an info dump.

"That one was beautiful, but you
never sent me the ending?”"
-->erm, this isn't a question. If you want her to have said it like a question, try this:
"That one was beautiful, but- you never sent me the ending...?" She raised an eyebrow as though waiting for an explanation.
...or something like that.


"“Yeah, listen Dria,"
--> I suggest changing that first comma to a dash, just to get more of a voice in there. That's just imho, though.

"I’m getting taken to a recording studio. My manager
found out I can sing, and set up an audition with a producer."
-->oh noes! I smell trouble afoot! Wink


"Alexandria just stood there."
-->doesn't tell us enough of her reaction/attitude. "Alexandria just stood there, staring at her." That's my suggestion.

"“Well duh. Of course I have."
-->cut the 'well duh', or at least add a comma in there, but I don't like it there at all, so... =P

"“And dad is seriously letting you do this?”"
-->capital D on Dad, it's a name here.

"The girl’s dad..."
-->girls'. He's Alexandria's dad too, or so you implied earlier.
--> rearrange this explanation and fit it to a tag of Alexandria's thoughts after she asks her question so you aren't dumping again.

"...we’ll do some maths?” Jackie asked."
--> no 's' on math.


"The two girls parted at the train station. Alexandria waiting for her train,
and Jackie walking on to her nearby house."
-->sentence frag. "The two girls parted at the train station, Alexandria waiting for her train and Jackie walking on to her nearby home."
That's how it should be (I changed house to home just 'cuz it fit better in my mind hahaha).


Anyway... This is good so far, like I said. I like your characters, Jackie and Alexandria mostly, because they seem like they have fun together and are good friends. I do have one question, though- in the first chapter you told us how Paris and Alexandria were close, but then in this one Paris was all snob and ignoring her. I'd like to see a development of those, so we can see how the two are compatible. It seems public Paris is different from home Paris, and while we've seen both, now you're only giving one, so the other got drowned out.

So yeah; good characterization, just a bit too much info dumping, and like I said, I can see you know how to show us, so stop telling us. But overall, well done, and good luck with this Wink
pm me if you need to.
bei'theh!

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 10:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I edited this a bit! Tell me what you think!
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 10:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*applause*
I noticed you implemented many of the changes- the punctuation, for one, is much better, though there are a few trouble spots. You still have a few info dumps, too, but you always have room to work on these things, and I think you mentioned in your pm that you weren't finished editing anyway.
...and are we ever? Rolling Eyes

Buuuuut, I definitely noticed some of the changes that were made, because they were made really well! For example-
"Although Jackie always loved her writing..."
-->very nice. You kept the intention and made it specific, so it was relevant and smooth at the same time. Bravo. *more applause*

Keep working on this; it's doing well, and I hope to see it continue to do so. Very Happy gj, amiga.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 1:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, this was very good and I only found two or three mistakes so let's get that out of the way first...

Jackie nodded. She was Alexandria’s biggest fan. Alexandria would always
email her writing to Jackie to read over. She wanted to be a best-sellign author when she was older. You have a typo on best-selling author. Just thought I'd point it out.

“This is so sad,” she breathed as she read the three page document. She needs a capital letter because it's after speech.

And that's about it though I think you should describe Jackie more. Your story seems to be very speech orientated which is fine but remember to create some visual images for your reader once in a while.

Altogether it was very good and I shall be looking out for the next installment.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 2:13 pm    Post subject: Re: My Sister Is An Actress (Chapter 2) Reply with quote

Hmm... personally, I feel this is kind of a cold read. The motions and actions seem rather forced as opposed to fluent and natural.

chocoholic wrote:

Jackie shrugged. “I’m really excited. One week, and then there’s no more.
Let’s go.”

Wait, didn't she ask Alexandria a question? Wouldn't Alexandria be saying this, instead of Jackie? Wink


Quote:
“I’m just sick of it,” Alexandria grumbled as they walked. “She gets
everything. The looks, the fame, everything. And then when something
goes wrong, I’m the one she goes running to.”

Good, alluding to a character's flaws. Thumbs-up.


Quote:
“Yeah, that would be terrible. I know what will cheer you up, my parents are going away next weekend. Nathan will be at some party most of the time. Want to come for a sleepover on Saturday night? We can order pizza and get loads of movies.”

Now this is one of the parts that seems forced.



Quote:

“How was math?” Alexandria asked Jackie during lunch. They had most of
their classes together, but they were separated for math and language.

Between this and what's above it, put some asterisks (*) or plus signs (+) in a row. Shows the passing of time.



Quote:
Alexandria nodded sadly.

Nix "sadly."

Quote:
“Well… do want some pizza?”

I imagine this is supposed to be do you want some pizza. Wink




Quote:
“Yeah, you’re usually broke. Maybe you should GET A JOB!”

Lowercase. The exclamation point nullifies the need for the caps.



Quote:
Alexandria couldn’t dance, act, sing or multiply, but she could read fast and
write amazing stories.

Nix amazing, it makes the character seem perfect.


Quote:
Jackie nodded. She was Alexandria’s biggest fan. Alexandria would always
email her writing to Jackie to read over. She wanted to be a best-sellign author when she was older.

With the exception of "Jackie nodded," all of this is implied.

Quote:
“Do you like it?” Alexandria asked anxiously, biting her thumb, when Jackie finished it. Although Jackie always loved her writing, Alexandria was a worrier.

Get rid of "anxiously" and the second sentence, because it's also implied.



Quote:
After school, Alexandria saw Paris waiting outside the school for a car. Not
remembering her parents saying anything about being picked up, she told
Jackie to wait and ran over to find out what was going on.

Remember what I mentioned earlier over the passage of time? Wink

Good second chapter, still needs polishing, but doesn't everything? Wink

-Saint Razorblade

P.S.:

kitty15 wrote:
“This is so sad,” she breathed as she read the three page document. She needs a capital letter because it's after speech.

As I explained in the other thread for this story, no it doesn't. It's not the beginning of the sentence, since there's a comma in the quotations.

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