Topic ID: 1667
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Aly_Tobias
Junior Writer
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Country: Couldn't It Be Germany? Please?
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 Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 11:55 pm Post subject: |
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| I love it but you kinda need to space it better and there are a few unneccesary commas in your writing. At the moment I admit that I'm too lazy to point them out. |
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corey mcdermith
Junior Writer
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Age: 18
Joined: 05 Mar 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 22
Country: US of the A! Go red,white, and blue.
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 2:36 pm Post subject: |
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| incredible job. i am impressed by your ability to write. i am not exactly what one would call a professional, but i know a good book when i see one, and i jsut read one. you did an incredible job adn should be very proud of this work of art. Good luck with it and keep it going. |
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TNCowgirl
Princess of Storybooks and Queen of DTWH!!
Writer of Legend
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503 Points
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 4:04 pm Post subject: |
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Mattie hasn't been on for a while.
I thought it was good. If I had been on when it was posted I would've replied. Twas sad only one person did until Star pulled it out of dead. |
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Christ Paris: A guy the world gave up on. The plane he was flying disappeared Nov. 1 of this year. A few days ago the searchers gave up the search. May he prove everyone wrong and still be alive.
Vist my world and make it bigger!
Want a Readers crit??? |
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coryab222
Writer
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Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 9:31 pm Post subject: |
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Woah! That was the best thing I have read on YWS. That was so good!
Great, great, great job! Are you going to continue writing this or was it a one-shot?
Either way, awesome! |
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soconfused4512
Writer
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Reviews: 31
365 Points
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 11:00 pm Post subject: |
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| i am with STARGAZER14 I LOVE THIS write more on it PLEASE just PLEASE keep me posted |
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[><] Shawn D. Bolding & Paula W. Brock [><] |
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deafwriter_19
feels bad for beating up his avatar
Novelist
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Posts: 378
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Country: The Lacrymosa of A Deaf Teenager's Mind
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:14 am Post subject: |
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| This is very good. It was erotic in a way, but managed not to be graphic. There's rarely a story like that! |
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idontknow
New Member
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Joined: 22 Apr 2008
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300 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 8:34 pm Post subject: Wow |
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| This was really good-kinda creepy but really good.I like the title...But yeah-keep on writing... |
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Bella
KITTY!!! ^.^
Master of the Forum
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Country: Wherever my stars may lead me - preferably Chicago - which isn't a country...
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 2:46 am Post subject: |
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I really did like this a lot, although I have one comment.
Near the end, you mention Dinah hearing Joseph's heart beat.
If he's a vampire, does he have a heartbeat?
Just something to think about. I have no idea. It depends on the writer, I suppose.
Good job!
Merry Writing!
~Bella~ |
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I put my little brother into my NaNoWriMo just so my main character could kill him. <.<
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TNCowgirl
Princess of Storybooks and Queen of DTWH!!
Writer of Legend
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Age: 17
Joined: 13 May 2007
Posts: 5588
Reviews: 99
Country: USA
503 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 12:27 pm Post subject: |
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| You guys, Mattie hasn't been on in ages. Just wanted to let you know. It's a great story, really is, but Mattie hasn't been on and can't keep going. :'( |
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Christ Paris: A guy the world gave up on. The plane he was flying disappeared Nov. 1 of this year. A few days ago the searchers gave up the search. May he prove everyone wrong and still be alive.
Vist my world and make it bigger!
Want a Readers crit??? |
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Leahweird
Senior Writer
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Joined: 25 Apr 2008
Posts: 108
Reviews: 20
Country: Canada
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 12:44 pm Post subject: |
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Wow this really is amsing, despite the lack of paragraph breaks. No one's comented on it, but there is an empty line after the shakespeare conversation that was most likely unintentional. The joseph says "But now me" when it probably should be "But not me".
Otherwise, I have nothing to say. |
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soconfused4512
Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 78
Reviews: 31
365 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 3:12 pm Post subject: |
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| i really enjoyed rreading this story is it to be a sequel? If so PLEASE keep me posted |
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[><] Shawn D. Bolding & Paula W. Brock [><] |
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Elora
New Member
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Age: 19
Joined: 28 Oct 2007
Posts: 2
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Country: united states
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 9:43 pm Post subject: |
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| It was well written but try to invest in some line breaks. I give this story a 9 out 10. Very good story line it held my interest which is hard to do. |
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LilyReagan
Senior Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 25 May 2008
Posts: 137
Reviews: 29
Country: Back in Australia! Hoorah!
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 25, 2008 1:35 am Post subject: compliments |
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| OMG! Wow. i'm pretty impressed! You're writing is great, your description is flavorful, and your plot is really creative! |
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Firearris
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| Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 9:14 pm Post subject: |
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| DINAH HAD BEEN watching them all night. She couldn't help it, couldn't hold back her fascination. |
I know how in novels they sometime shave this at the beginning of every chapter, but I don’t think you should have it put like this. Maybe try a different font, or maybe bold and italics…
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| had a strong Latin face surrounded by shoulder-length, curly brown hair. In a pale face, his eyes were shockingly blue. The other man had a more delicate appearance, enhanced by waist-length black hair that gleamed silky in the low lights. His face had something of beauty to it, and soft charcoal lashes fringed his almond-shaped brown eyes. |
I like the details you included in this, but be sure not to tell too much, show.
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| She wove through the crowd, red hair swinging, just one more tall, narrow-waisted, full-chested girl in a room full of them. |
Waisted and Chested aren’t words, maybe re-write this sentence? I don’t see much point in the part pretty much saying she is alike all the others in there, but if you are to re-write it, Something like: “She wove her way through the crowd, hair swinging; just another tall girl with a narrow waist and full chest.” I'm not so good at coming up with new lines ><
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| She was gathering the drinks when she felt the tap on her shoulder and spun around to see the younger of the two men she'd been watching. |
“Spun around” This is used so much in so many stories!  She was gathering the drinks…if she spun around, she would probably drop or spill some, so maybe add to that, or maybe change to something like “She felt the tap on her shoulder and turned around…” Again, not good with new lines.
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| "Cass is a big fan of the classics," he said. "You two will find common interests." |
Quite a coincidence that Cass likes Shakespeare and also has a name from one of the characters…
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| "I've always wished I could write," he said wistfully, "but I can't seem to make the words come out right. I stick to poetry." |
He. Capital H =P
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| Her neck arched back to reveal its slender length to him, and she breathed in his scent, his rich dark scent, sly, sleek, secretive. Like, she thought, a cat back from hunting. Or one still on the prowl. |
maybe: his rich dark scent, sly, sleek, and secretive
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| Across the room, Kris caught her eye. Dinah flushed as she saw the shock there. Kate wasn't even looking at her, but her face was seeped with disgust. |
Okay, this just now started bugging me. Maybe you should change one of the names to something that doesn’t start with K?
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| "But---" "Shut up and have a drink." |
Maybe:
”But-”
”Shut up and have a drink.” He interrupted,
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| You want her. I want her. We've been alone for too long." "I know." |
“You want her. I want her. We’ve been alone for too long.”
“I know.”
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| SLOWLY, DINAH FELT |
Again, the suggestion I made at the beginning.
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| Am I—?" Dinah broke off, a chill shuddering over her skin, |
off;
Woo! Okay, this was great! I like the detail you included through-out the story, and also you did pretty well not to tell to much, but to show! But nothing is perfect, there are things that need to be fixed. I suggest making the changes I gave and the changes others gave, then repost this in this same topic, maybe edit the title to say you have the revised one in here, or make a new topic and post the revised with a title like “Revised: My Master, My Love.” But I really enjoyed this story, and I think you should hold on to it, work on it, improve, keep reposting it until the readers can’t find anymore mistakes. But yeah, this was a great bone-chilling-romance story.  I look forward to reading more of your works, and critiquing them also. If/when you repost this, PM me please, and I’ll read through again and look for any other mistakes I can find. Don’t drop this story, it has great potential!
~Arris~ |
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C.J. Mustang
Senior Writer
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Apr 2008
Posts: 245
Reviews: 36
Country: In my novels
345 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 2:54 am Post subject: |
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| Holy crap, I loved it! I honestly didn't find anything wrong with it, but I don't think this would be considered rated 'R'. Now, if you had more description of what went on in the bedroom, about what Dinah felt when Cass and Joseph were on top of her, then it would probably be considered rated 'R'. I totally loved it, though! Let me know when you write more to it, okay? It was totally awesome! |
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