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This thread was created on May 26, 2007
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Aesthetic You and Me.
Topic ID: 16516
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Chandni
Peace, Love and Magic. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 30 Nov 2005 Posts: 429 Reviews: 176 Country: Netherlands Antilles 300 Points
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Posted: Sun May 27, 2007 1:18 am Post subject: Aesthetic You and Me. |
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Our philosophies stood separate
yet your magnetic field
was attracted to mine.
Et vice versa.
We contaminated
each others thoughts,
as if they were devoted -
ready to be combined –
Their mission on becoming one
developed a true prestige,
willow voices narrated our
vast law of attraction;
“Steady at a persuasive halo,
whispering beneath the neutral sun.
they lay beneath, acquiring exertion,
feeding their eternal minds.
In which they hold,
the future in one hand
and the past in another.
Together”
Through our bodies we elaborate,
our beliefs-lost puzzle pieces-
gathering and foreseeing
this infinite glory. |
_________________ I will sing it to the sky,
there's a risk it won't reply
if I could change it then I would,
I won't screw it up this time.
-Maps
Last edited by Chandni on Sun May 27, 2007 2:28 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo! Writer of Legend

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 21 Sep 2006 Posts: 7054 Reviews: 1751 Country: Riverbluff, MO 450 Points
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Posted: Sun May 27, 2007 2:04 am Post subject: |
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I liked this. It seemed like an odd take on two people meeting up, yes?
| Quote: |
heir mission on becoming one,
developed a true prestige,
willow voices narrated our
vast law of attraction; |
I don't think there should be a comma at the end of the first line, and the third/forth line confused me, I can't pick up the meaning?
Of course, as we both know, I struggle to understand your poetry... |
_________________ Dr. Bishop: Am I required to keep him alive?
-Fringe
Read The Party Killers! |
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biancarayne
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 224 Reviews: 179
300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 10:22 pm Post subject: |
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| This is definitey a very unique write about two people who at the start seem to be different, with their separate philosophies, and yet somehow they became attracted and in the end they didn't seem quite so different. At least that's what I got from this. A very well-written write with beautiful details and wording. A wonderful write! |
_________________ http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?p=210283#210283 |
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wewinwelose
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 09 May 2007 Posts: 82 Reviews: 39
300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 7:43 pm Post subject: |
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| this is good....but you lost me at the 4th line |
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| This thread was created on May 26, 2007 |
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