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This thread was created on May 26, 2007
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War of Magic- Prologue (from my NaNo 06 novel)

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PostPosted: Sun May 27, 2007 12:52 am    Post subject: War of Magic- Prologue (from my NaNo 06 novel) Reply with quote

Author name: AWritersFantasy

Title: War of Magic- Prologue

Rating: PG

Genre: Original fantasy

Summary: An unfinished story based on a role play about a group of outlawed mages.

Author notes: Mmm...well, as I said, it's unfinished, and it's what I started to write for NaNo back in November. Keaira is the character I created for the role play it's based on, and other than Trion, every other character belongs to their respected RPer. I made Trion up as well.

Keaira is said as..."Key-air-a."

Critiquing notes: Mmm...I don't really need anything critiqued since I don't plan on continuing it any time in the near future.

Oh, the only other thing I forgot to note is that later in the story, Icthus tells Keaira that his father died a year before his sister was born...o.O but obviously that makes no sense. If I were to work on it again, I'd have to figure that part out.

I really liked how this ended up, which is why I'm posting it. When I first posted it at my LJ, people really liked the way I had started it off with dialogue, so...o.O hopefully that remains true.

Prologue

“Has the child been born?” a voice within darkness asked, barely above a whisper.

A moment of silence.

“Yesss . . .” responded a second slithering voice. “It’s a girl.”

“And does she have the mark?”

Another moment of silence.

“Yesss . . . she and the boy must be taken away, separately. They must not be allowed to grow up together, or they will surely be too powerful and will destroy us,” the slithering voice answered.

“The Queen will never allow that,” retorted the first voice with a sneer.

“There is no need to worry about the Queen any more. She is dead. She died not ten minutes after the child was born. Malfalcone must be led to believe that his sister died after his mother,” replied the second voice.

There were a few footsteps, and the two figures turned, coming in to a hallway illuminated by the light of several torches.

One figure was young, a boy no older than twenty-five years with shoulder length black hair pulled messily back out of his face. His hands were buried deep in the long sleeves of his robes, and grey eyes stared sternly up the hallway. He stood straight and tall, as though he had some secret he was proud of.

The other, a man at least in his late thirties- it was hard to tell because he very rarely wore the hood on the back of his robes down- was shorter than the other by about two feet. Every now and then, his forked tongue slipped out of his mouth like a snake’s.

“Let me worry about Malfalcone,” the younger said. “He trusts me. You, however, must get rid of the other boy and the baby quickly. Tonight.”

The two stopped in their tracks as a tower clock began chiming eleven times in the distance. They stood in silence as they waited for the chiming to end.

The shorter of the two turned to the other, the smallest hint of a smirk at the tips of his chapped lips. “They’ll be pleased with you, Valadar. Very pleased, indeed. For one so young you’ve managed to accomplish quite a lot in these last few years.”

“I work to please no one but myself, Trion. Pleasuring them is just a bonus,” Valadar replied with little emotion in his tone. “We should separate before we’re overheard. Take care of the boy and his sister, and we will speak again tomorrow night.”

Trion gave a short nod, and with a quick bow, he backed up slowly behind Valadar before disappearing from the hall, leaving Valadar alone in the quiet halls of the Remonian castle.

Remonia was a continent filled with vast, green lands, lots of forest, and mountain tops. If one were to stand at the window of the highest tower of the castle, they would see the land go on for miles and miles, and only a small spec of ocean off in the distance. This was because the castle and main village were on the highest mountaintop on the continent, though it wasn’t at the highest point on the mountain. Behind it was the rest of the mountain that twisted to the left and had a waterfall flowing from it.

The mountain was separated by the rest of the land by a bridge of land that came across. Only a few people lived on this land.

Valadar was training to become the advisor of Malfalcone, who was a ten year old boy that would become king when he

was older. One of the duties of being his future advisor was befriending the boy. With his father dieing when he was three years old and his mother only dieing that night, it would be hard to make the boy trust him again, but he was willing to wait for as long as he would have to.

With a satisfied smile, Valadar continued down the hall and made his way through the dark halls of the castle until he reached his room. He opened the door and locked it behind him.

******

The following night, Valadar stood in the same hallway he had last talked to Trion in, pacing slowly back and forth as he waited for Trion to come. The older man had had all day to get rid of the boy and baby, so there was no reason it wouldn’t have been done. While Valadar had faith in very little, he did have faith in Trion when it came to such important tasks as these.

In normal circumstances, Valadar would have simply killed Malfalcone’s two siblings himself, but they needed to stay alive, for now. Within time, they would separate those born with magic abilities from those without them, out casting magic users from the land of Remon, and the youngest prince and new princess would be one of the first few to go.

Valadar’s pacing stopped as he heard approaching footsteps. He whirled around to face the direction they were coming from, finding himself face to face with Trion. A satisfied smile came to the tips of Valadar’s lips.

“Has it been done?”

“Yes,” Trion answered. “Both the boy and his sister have been taken to separate homes. The boy gave me little trouble in the matter.” He took out an empty vile from the inside of his cloak.

“A sleeping potion? How long will it last?” Valadar asked.

“Another hour or so,” Trion answered with a shrug. “He won’t remember much- I made sure of that.”

Valadar’s smile deepened as he gave a slow nod. “Good,” he said. “The next step is making Malfalcone believe that all mages are evil. Once he believes that, it won’t take long for him to want to outcast every magic user, and eventually kill them.”

“Very well. I will speak to the Council and find out what their next move is in getting rid of the Elementals,” Trion said. “The sooner we’re rid of them, the better.”

“Agreed,” Valadar replied. “We will meet here again in three days time, at nine strikes of the clock, and discuss what our next move is.”

As time passed, the kingdom of Remon became more dangerous. Malfalcone, who was only a boy of twelve, was being led to believe everything that Valadar wanted him to believe. He was a child, and would believe anything, Valadar figured. It was simple enough to keep the boy under his control.

The Elementals were a council of four people who all had magic abilities in the four elements- earth, fire, air, and water. As long as the Elementals were around, it would be impossible for the Council that Valadar worked for to fully go through with their plans. While the Elementals were far from being God-like people, they were strong enough, especially when their powers were combined, to stop the Council from going through with their plans, the longer the Elementals were in the way, the longer it would take for it to happen.

Valadar was not the patient type. While he could wait a few more years until Malfalcone was older, he couldn’t wait forever for the Council to finally take Remon over. He was beginning to develop plans of his own, readying himself for a time when he would no longer be able to wait for the Council and would have to take things in to his own hands.

[align=center]****

20 Years Later[/align]

Icthus Andmonien walked through the busy streets of Remon’s city, pushing his way through the crowd of people as he looked for his destination. A long cloak flowed gently behind him in the breeze that had started to pick up, the hood up and covering most of his face. He stood straight and tall, with his white hair, once golden, pulled back in to a short pony tail, a few strands falling over his green eyes.

Icthus was on one mission and one mission only at this moment: find others with magic abilities- or simply mages- willing to retaliate against the King of Remon. With the amount of mages being taken captive or killed, it would be nearly impossible, but he had to try. It would be suicide to try and go against the King alone. While Malfalcone was far from being all-powerful, he was the ruler of Remon, which put Icthus at an awful disadvantage as a commoner and mage.

If he could find at least a few more mages besides himself to help him in his quest, it would be a good start. He had a few ideas as to where to look for them, but convincing them to help would be the main problem.

Once he found others to help him, it would only be a matter of time before he went searching for the legendary Elementals so that he could form a strong enough group to defeat Malfalcone once and for all.

****

From within a dark alley, a slender form peeked around the corner, spotting the man she was looking for. He was tall and wore a cloak, but it wouldn’t be too difficult to take at least take a few coins from him. She had managed to do so at least one other time, so she had to hope her luck wouldn’t run out.

Waiting until the man was about ten feet away, the girl stepped out from her hiding place in the alley and slowly in to the street, trying to act as casually as possible. The girl’s fiery red hair flowed gently against her back in a braid coming to just below her shoulders, bouncing as she walked faster to try and catch up with the man. He would have coins, she just knew it. He has to- I’m starving and I don’t want someone’s left over food, she pleaded.

Finally she came up just behind the man, eyeing him carefully as she waited for just the right moment. She slowly reached her hand out to the man’s side and toward his pocket . . .

The man suddenly whirled around to face her and grabbed the hand going for his cloak.

“Can I help you?” Icthus asked, grasping her wrist a bit tighter.

The girl gasped, starting to panic. She could easily be tossed in prison for what she had tried to do, and she had heard stories about the Remon prison . . .

“I . . .” the girl couldn’t force more words out of her mouth.

Icthus looked up and realized they were standing in the middle of the street- not a good thing to do, since people tended to be pushy and almost violent if one stood in their way too long. He pulled her out of the street and on to the side and looked down at her once more.

“Are you that hungry that you had to try pick-pocketing me?” Icthus asked, looking down at the girl.

The girl nodded slowly, ashamed.

Icthus sighed, slowly letting go of the girl’s wrist. He couldn’t help but feel sympathetic since he, too, knew what it was like to live on the streets trying to find food. “What’s your name, girl?”

“Keaira,” she answered. She reached up to brush a strand of lose hair behind her ear.

Keaira wore a cloak with a hole at the bottom, and a shirt and pants that could barely pass as clothing. The boots she wore looked like they were about one size too big, but they were good enough for her.

“All right, Keaira. Don’t worry, you’re not in any trouble,” Icthus said. He paused, as though pondering something. “Would you like to come with me and get something to eat?”

Keaira nodded, looking up at him. “I’d like that very much, sir,” she replied.

Icthus gave a low chuckle, “You can call me Icthus. Come on,” he said, leading her away from the spot they stood in.

****

Keaira and Icthus now sat in a corner of the Sleighed Dragon Tavern at a table. In front of them were two bowls of soup, a piece of bread on a plate, and two chicken legs. When the food arrived, Keaira had to keep herself from grabbing all of the food and stuffing herself- she was that hungry.

“Tell me, Keaira, do you have any family?” Icthus asked before taking a bite of bread.

Keaira placed a spoon in to her soup and lifted it up to her lips, taking in the aroma of the broth and sipping some before putting it down.

“No,” she answered, smiling sadly. “I don’t remember anything from before I was . . . eight years old. I was taken care of by those who took pity on me, and I would offer to work in taverns, cleaning tables. Anything, really, as long as I would receive food and shelter in return. At one tavern, there was this thief who kept coming in and calling me names, making me do things for him. One day, he came in and there was a fire . . . he was burned on his leg pretty bad. I didn’t know how, but I had started that fire. I just became so angry with him, and it suddenly happened . . . since then, it’s been . . . harder to find food and shelter. I’m sixteen now. After that happened, I tried new methods of finding shelter and food, such as pit pocketing. I haven’t been very successful.”

Icthus frowned, “You don’t have any memory of anything before you were eight?” She shook her head. “Keaira . . . do you ever feel a sort of pull when you’er near fire? And you feel like it won’t hurt you like it will others?” he lowered his voice.

Keaira nodded slowly, wondering where this was leading to. “Yes,” she whispered. “I can make it move almost any way I want, too.”

She looked at a candle that sat lit on their table and waved her left hand slowly to the left, watching as the flame stopped flickering and followed her hand’s movement. She moved her hand to the right and the flame followed. She lowered her hand, looking at Icthus as the candle began flickering once more.

“I thought I was the only one,” Icthus whispered. He suddenly came to a realization. “Keaira . . . would you like to come back to my home with me? There is something I need help with, and I think you could help me with it.”

Keaira nodded, “Very much, Icthus.”

[align=center]*****[/align]

Keaira and Icthus were now walking back to Icthus’s home. It was in Yalin, the kingdom that had been formed by those who had been out-casted by Malfalcone. They were now in a large forest outside of the city of Yalin.

Finally they reached a large clearing. In the middle was a beautiful, ancient temple made of stone.

“Icthus, this is your home?” Keaira asked. He nodded. “It’s beautiful.”

“It can be your home, too, if you wish,” Icthus replied. “I need your help, Keaira. I’m trying to gather other mages to help form a group to rebel against King Malfalcone and defeat him once and for all.”

Keaira’s blue gaze moved from the temple and up to Icthus.

“Against King Malfalcone?” she asked, making sure she had heard right. “But . . . that’s like . . .”

“Suicide, I know,” Icthus interrupted. “If I were to try facing him alone, it would probably mean throwing myself in to death’s open arms. But if I have others behind me, I know he can be defeated.”

“I . . . what good could I do? I don’t know how to fight,” Keaira asked.

“Physical combat is only part of the major battle, and is easy enough to learn. I can train you in that, as well as train you to control your abilities. You see, I, like you, am a fire mage. If you’ll allow me, and help me, I will train you,” Icthus replied.

Keaira looked back at the temple. It was her chance to have a home, and someone to call friend . . . even family. She had never had that, and she wanted it more than anything.

“Teach me everything you can, Icthus,” she said after only a moment, looking back up at him.

Icthus smiled, placing a hand on Keaira’s shoulder. “Come then, little sister. There is much for me to tell you.”

“Little sister?”

Icthus nodded, “Yes. This temple may not be much, and I may not be more than a simple fire mage, but I can be the family you’ve always wanted, if you’ll allow me . . . and you’ll be the family I’ve always wanted as well.”

“Thank you, Icthus. That means a lot to me,” Keaira said. She then looked up at him and gave him a sly smile, “I knew there was a reason I chose you to pit pocket.”

“Oh yeah?” Icthus asked, laughing. “I think I might have to teach you a thing or two about pit pocketing big brothers.”

Laughing in return, Keaira started running down the hill that would lead straight to the door of the temple, with Icthus running after her.

*****

The inside of the temple was beautiful. The ceiling was high and arched, and the walls were made of brick. When Keaira first entered the temple, she saw an open room that eventually went in to a long hallway. As they walked through the hallway, she found that there were many other halls in the temple, all with different rooms.

“I should start by telling you why I wish to form this group to rise against King Malfalcone,” Icthus began as they walked down the hall. “When I was about…three years old, I was taken away from my home. I lived with a family that adopted me as their son. My mother died after giving birth to my younger sister that I was told died after her. My father had died a year before that. I had one older brother, who was eight or nine at the time.”

He paused as the painful memories began flooding back to him before continuing. “His name was Malfalcone,” he finally stated.

Keaira stopped as soon as she heard the name and looked up at Icthus, stunned. “Your brother is . . . the king? And that makes you . . .”

Icthus nodded slowly, “Prince by birth, not by choice.”

Keiara looked away from him, biting her lower lip as she tried to take this information in all at once.

“He’s your brother and you want to kill him,” Keaira stated after a moment.

“He stopped being my brother the moment I was taken away from my home. The only reason I can guess for that is because I was born with magic abilities, and my brother was not,” Icthus replied bitterly.

“Ha,” Keaira said, shaking her head. “Brother or not, it’s treason to kill the King. Even worse for a mage,” she half-mocked. Turning serious, she sighed, “Though it’s not like I can blame you for wanting to kill him.”

Icthus shrugged, “I don’t want the throne. I want revenge. Simple as that.”

“So what do you expect to happen? Your brother will die, you’ll rejoice, and you’ll refuse the throne? Remon will be even more chaotic than it is now,” she retorted.

Icthus shook his head, “I don’t know, Keaira. All I’ve known for the entire time that I’ve known who I really am is that I wanted revenge for what was done to me so long ago, all because I can snap my fingers and manipulate fire. I can’t have that revenge without the help of others, or you.”

“I will help you, Icthus. * I don’t know how much help I can be, but I’ll help you,” Keaira said with a smile.

Icthus returned the smile and nodded, “Thank you, Keaira. Come, there is much more for me to tell you.”

They entered one of the many rooms in the temple. Keaira looked around slowly as Icthus walked over to the window and looked out.

“Have you ever heard the legend of the Elementals?” Icthus asked.

Keaira shook her head, looking back to Icthus.

“The Elementals were a council of four people, each having one individual elemental ability- earth, air, fire, and water. Long ago, they were trapped on the island they were living on by some . . . enemy of theirs, I’d guess. There’s a force field that keeps them on the island,” Icthus explained.

Keaira walked over to him, standing at the window and looking out. “So your plan is to find these Elementals, convince them to help us . . . somehow break that force field, and defeat King Malfalcone with their help,” she said.

“More or less, yes,” Icthus replied. “No one really knows if they actually exist. I can’t explain it, but I know that they exist, and that they can help us.” He looked over at Keaira and saw the look of skepticism on her face and laughed, “You think I’m crazy, don’t you?”

Keaira looked up at him and laughed, “No, I don’t. This is just . . . a lot to take in at once.”

Icthus nodded understandingly, “I understand that. Believe me, when I found out that I was the brother of that bast- the King, it was a lot for me to handle at once, as well. Now, would you like to begin your training?”

Keaira nodded, “Sure.”

“There’s a room two doors down that can be yours. In the closet, there should be some extra robes that you can change in to. They’ll be a bit more comfortable for the training we’ll be doing,” Icthus said. “I’ll meet you in front of the temple.”

Keiara nodded, walking out of the room and to the room two doors down, while Icthus went to gather the materials he would need to begin Keaira’s training.


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PostPosted: Sun May 27, 2007 4:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hallo!

I quite enjoyed this. You have such neat names - Malfalcone, Icthus. What fun. Your style is very beautiful and is able to convey a lot with little words. I enjoyed your dialogue - twas very natural. In all, a very good piece. There are only a few issues I wish to address.

Arrow Detail Dumps. You will probably hate me for bringing this up, but there were a few moments where you had a large paragraph of detail dumping. The paragraphs clutter the narrative and bore the reader. The reader wants characters, not history right now, and especially because this is the prologue, you need to watch for detail dumping. Some examples:

Quote:
Remonia was a continent filled with vast, green lands, lots of forest, and mountain tops. If one were to stand at the window of the highest tower of the castle, they would see the land go on for miles and miles, and only a small spec of ocean off in the distance. This was because the castle and main village were on the highest mountaintop on the continent, though it wasn’t at the highest point on the mountain. Behind it was the rest of the mountain that twisted to the left and had a waterfall flowing from it.


This is the prologue? Do we really need to know this yet? This is one detail dump I think you could sprinkle throughout later parts of the story. We don't need the geography right now.

Quote:
Valadar was training to become the advisor of Malfalcone, who was a ten year old boy that would become king when he
was older. One of the duties of being his future advisor was befriending the boy. With his father dieing when he was three years old and his mother only dieing that night, it would be hard to make the boy trust him again, but he was willing to wait for as long as he would have to.


Again, I feel this would be more meaninful if mentioned later. As the reader knows little about Valadar at the moment, the reader does not really care about his past. When the reader becomes emotionally invested in the characters, it is safer to mention these things.

So, watch out for detail dumps. You have time. You have time to reveal these things to the reader. This is only the prologue.

Arrow Transition into Summary. More specific here:

“Agreed,” Valadar replied. “We will meet here again in three days time, at nine strikes of the clock, and discuss what our next move is.”

Quote:
As time passed, the kingdom of Remon became more dangerous. Malfalcone, who was only a boy of twelve, was being led to believe everything that Valadar wanted him to believe. He was a child, and would believe anything, Valadar figured. It was simple enough to keep the boy under his control.

The Elementals were a council of four people who all had magic abilities in the four elements- earth, fire, air, and water. As long as the Elementals were around, it would be impossible for the Council that Valadar worked for to fully go through with their plans. While the Elementals were far from being God-like people, they were strong enough, especially when their powers were combined, to stop the Council from going through with their plans, the longer the Elementals were in the way, the longer it would take for it to happen.

Valadar was not the patient type. While he could wait a few more years until Malfalcone was older, he couldn’t wait forever for the Council to finally take Remon over. He was beginning to develop plans of his own, readying himself for a time when he would no longer be able to wait for the Council and would have to take things in to his own hands.


Are you honestly satisfied with this? I know you need to use the passage of time here to lead into 20 years later, but it seemed less emotionally engaging and more like a history book. Try crafting your sentences in a way that conveys teh drama of what is happening so it will blend in more with the above section. The sudden shift from story to objective history is abrupt.

Arrow Icthus and Keaira

Two very interesting characters and they have a lot of potential, but I felt that at times you were getting a little sloppy on your characterization. You have body language, yes, but I felt it could have used a bit more description. As this is indirectly from Icthus's POV, I would suggest writing it more from Icthus's viewpoint. What does Keaira look like to him? What does he notice most in her body language? A bit more on the characterization side for these two characters would make this more powerful.

Some nitpicks:

Quote:
“Yesss . . .” responded a second slithering voice. “It’s a girl.”

“And does she have the mark?”

Another moment of silence.

“Yesss . . . she and the boy must be taken away, separately. They must not be allowed to grow up together, or they will surely be too powerful and will destroy us,” the slithering voice answered.


I really don't think you need the second 'slithering'

Question: Have Icthus and Keaira known each other for a long time? It seems a little abrupt that Icthus tells Keaira these things so soon if they do not know each other.

One Last Suggestion (you're almost done!): The length of this prologue is a bit large. A prologue is like an introduction, and this seemed more like a first chapter to me. If you cut the prologue after the Valadar part, you could omit that transition part and make Icthus chapter one.

Despite my criticism, I really enjoyed this. It was a beautiful beginning, and a joy to read. If you post anymore of this on here, I look forward to reading it. Keep writing! PM me if you need anything. Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sun May 27, 2007 5:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi there!

Like I said earlier in the post (with all the notes and stuff), I can't take credit for ALL of the names. The only names I came up with were Keiara and Trion. All of the other characters are ones that people created for a role play this story was based on, with their permission. When the player who created Icthus read this prologue, he said that I got Icthus down really well. Same with the player of Valadar. XD

Quote:
Have Icthus and Keaira known each other for a long time? It seems a little abrupt that Icthus tells Keaira these things so soon if they do not know each other.


No, they haven't. That scene where Keaira tried stealing from Icthus was the first time they had met. But the only reason Icthus moves so quickly to trust her is because he's desperate for people to help him...and I realize now that I should have made that more clear.

The reason I had the prologue so long is because I wanted to write a scene or two taking place before the time the role play started, so there ended up being a lot to write because I needed a way for the baby to be born and taken to be "killed," along with the younger version of Icthus, and then I needed to have Icthus and Keaira meet years later and I needed Keaira to join Icthus in order to continue basing it on the role play.

I agree about the information dumps, and would go back and fix them if I were planning on rewriting it. >.> I think the main problem when I tried writing this was that it was based on a role play, so I tried using the transcripts from it to help with the diaologue and stuff (though none of the stuff in the prologue was based on any specific dialogue or actions in the role play), and just ended up getting frustrated and sort of gave up.

I can't even remember if I finished writing the first chapter. o.o In fact, I didn't finish it, but I might post the rest of it soon. Thanks for the critique. ^_^

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PostPosted: Mon May 28, 2007 7:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

When I read this it does spring to mind how easily Kearia just seems to go along with what Icthus says. Surely you wouldn't be that trusting of a stranger you met merely moments ago?

That aside, I believe that this is a great story with somewhere to go. I highly recommend that you carry on this story.

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PostPosted: Mon May 28, 2007 5:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

As I said to WritersDomain, I realize now that I should've done a better job conveying how desperate Icthus is, but also Keaira's thoughts about what Icthus tells her.

I might try going back to this at some point but not any time soon. I mainly posted this because I don't have any current pieces, really, to post, so I figured I'd post it.

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This thread was created on May 26, 2007

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