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An allegory
An allegory

by sezPez in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on May 23, 2007
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The Watcher (06)

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PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2007 4:12 pm    Post subject: The Watcher (06) Reply with quote

Peter woke up in his tent in the morning.

I wonder if they’re back yet,he thought. He walked out of his tent. A tired-looking Elvina passed right in front of him as she walked by. She noticed Peter out of the corner of her eye. She looked at him then nodded her head in a direction towards the cliffs.

Peter looked in the direction she nodded in. He saw Edmund with Aslan, and they were talking. Peter looked back at Elvina. She nodded, then walked to her tent and went inside.

Susan and Lucy emerged from their tents and saw Edmund on the hill.

“Edmund!” Lucy exclaimed and started off in that direction but was cut off by Peter. Lucy looked up at her brother with questioning eyes.

“I think it’s better if we stay here and wait,” he said. Lucy nodded. Aslan and Edmund made their way over to them.

“There is no need to talk of the past with Edmund.” Aslan said. “What has past has past.” Then he walked away.

Lucy hugged Edmund, then Susan. Susan pulled away. “How are you?” she asked.

“I’m a bit tired.” Edmund replied.

“Then get some sleep.” Peter said as he shrugged to his tent.

“Alright.” Edmund said as he walked past them to tent.

“And Edmund,” Peter said as he turned around to Edmund. Edmund turned to look at him. “Try no to run off.” He said with a smile.

Edmund smiled then turned to go to Peter’s tent.

“Now what?” Lucy asked.

“Well, I think breakfast will be served shortly, so just walk around. I’m going to see Elvina and thank her,” Peter said as he walked to her tent. Lucy and Susan looked after him as he went.

“Susan, do you ever get the feeling that Peter is falling for Elvina?” Lucy asked as she turned to her older sister.

“But how can he when he only met her a couple days ago?” Susan asked as she looked at Lucy.

“Who knows. Come on, let’s go look at the horse.” Lucy said as she pulled Susan over to the horses.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Elvina.” Peter called as he arrived at her tent, which was near the forest and river.

“Yes?” she questioned while still inside her tent.

“May I come in? I’ve something to say to you.” He said.

“You may enter.” She said. Peter entered her tent. He stared at her. She was sitting at a table with a bowl of mixing herbals. She stood up. She wore a light jade color dress, and it was sleeveless. It had straps that held up the dress and made it look comfortably tight around the chest and then flare out.

She noticed him staring at her and smirked. “See something you like, Peter?” she asked. Peter broke his stare and blushed. A cry came through the air.

“That’s must be Eithe.” She said as she opened a tent window. A beautiful phoenix flew through the window and perched itself on the back of her chair.

“Now, do you need to say something to me?” she asked Peter.

“Yeah, I want to thank you for saving my brother.” He said as she stared at the phoenix.

She smiled at him. “My king, there’s no need to thank me.” She said. Elvina noticed that he was staring at Eithe. “Would you like to pet her?” she asked.

“Can I?” he asked.

“Sure, if she’ll let you.” She said with a smile.

He walked close to the phoenix and held out his hand. The phoenix looked at his hand then to her mistress. Elvina nodded. The phoenix stretched her neck and closed her eyes. Peter moved his hand to her head and scratched her head.

“She likes you, Peter.” She said as she watched. “But now I think its time for you to go. I was getting already for a bath when you came.”

Peter blushed, “Oh sorry, I’ll go,” he said as he stopped petting the phoenix. He walked to the exit,then turned around and looked at her again.

“Thank you again for saving my brother.” He said again. Elvina walked to him.

“Again, there’s no need to thank me, Peter. It’s my job,” she said as she stood in front of him. He stared at her again. “Is there something else you need?” she said.

“No, but I want to tell you that you look beautiful in that color,” he said as he reddened a bit and left.

“Thank you, your highness,” she said. She walked back to her desk and sat down. Eithe squawked and jumped on her shoulder.

“Yes, he is a handsome one, but we can never be. Come on, let’s go take our bath.” She said as she gathered her bath stuff and walked out of the tent to river.


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Last edited by Night Mistress on Thu May 31, 2007 3:51 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2007 4:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Peter woke up in his tent in the morning


Instead of this perhaps say. Groaning Peter awoke. the tent was cold and his blankets hadnt doen a good job at keeping tehc old out.

Expand it a little bit more. Explain how he feels but now in too much detail.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 1:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Coo, Elvina's flirting! Well, a bit, anyway. Smile

Only a few typos here that you can see for yourself if you do a careful proof-read.

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