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Autumn Trees (my first sonnet)
Autumn Trees (my first sonnet)

by teenweirdo in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on May 19, 2007
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Chasing Rainbows Chapter 12

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PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2007 12:03 pm    Post subject: Chasing Rainbows Chapter 12 Reply with quote

Chapter 12

The young woman lay on the bed, defiled, naked, empty and alone. An exquisite dress lay ripped to shreds on the floor. The girl hair was very short and had lost the shine that once outlined it. The hair was dirty and messed up. Her figure was goddess-like. Her eyes were closed and just under the eyes were tears, fresh tears. The covers were thrown off and her naked purity was exposed though she didn’t try hide it as if tired of preventing inevitable.

The eyelids fluttered and girl rolled over on to her side, her shapely form glistening with perspiration. Her soft heartbeat echoing the steady tick of the clock. Once again, she rolled over.

The girls heartbeat sped up and she began to sigh quietly whispering in her sleep “Eolen, you really do love me!” The sighing became louder and more excited she cried out, “Oh god, Eolen I love you!” The girls eyes shot open and excitement vanished from her face. Her dream had been wonderful a kiss with her once lover. The kiss though had been so full of passion, in the dream, she had wanted the kiss to go on and on, but in reality Eolen had abandoned her to her fate when moment came. She didn’t love the conniving bastard who showed less bravery than a mouse in the sight of a hawk.

She may have hated the man in the dream, but if she hadn’t woken up she may forgiven the hateful deceitful beast. She sat up on her bed and then remembered the last thing… she was but a toy or fancy to an even worse man.

The door opened and in strode the man she feared most, she backed up against the bed and whimpered. The man whose name-instilled fear throughout the house smiled at her fear relishing it and then spoke, “Relax my little concubine, you’re safe… I’m going away for a while… I give full run of house, don’t cause trouble!” The girl answered shivering, “I won’t Master Jared.”

Jared laughed at this then swaggered out.

The girl blinked, her tormentor was gone and maybe should she could escape or at least eat, she hadn’t eaten much. She saw a discarded pair of blue panties. If she was going to walk about downstairs, she was going to cover herself, if only for show. After putting the panties on she flung on black robe with a length of material to keep it closed and walked out quietly.

Eolen sighed as he thought about more things that could happen… but he had left Tea long enough. It was time for him to prove himself, even though he had been asked to return he had sworn an oath to himself, he loved Tea and wouldn’t go anywhere without her.

The home of Jared was vast and a wonder of architecture, but also an obscene structure. Eolen knew much of the men whom Jared was working with… He knew much of this was linked with the plan to keep the war going. Lawrence was the brother of the prime minister of Joleta. Eolens mission was to keep an eye on Lawrence’s contact. He hadn’t met Tea by chance either, there was much she didn’t know about her father… but of course he’d now be able to share all this.

Eolen let out a sigh and remembered his last encounter with her, it had hurt to say those words, but Jacob had been getting suspicious of him. He had felt so bad, he did love her, and he knew this.

There was no other soul up here, just the house and the outside where he stood. The trees on each side of the path coming up created a dark unearthly tunnel blocking all traces of light out. Jareds mansion was known to be almost impregnable. For even if you got inside you’d surely get lost in the twisty twiny labyrinth nightmares of corridors. He folded his arms and looked around, what was it about Jared house, all life seemed to lose something here. The perimeter of the building was surrounded; by a very high wall with metal spokes and barely covering the spokes was a thicket on top of the wall.

Eolen heard the gate unlatch. He searched vainly for a place, deciding at the last minute the woods. As soon he gone over the path the gate swung open. He lifted his head dangerously high and watched Jared walk away. He was wearing a darker coat with a long tale at the back - his hair was finely combed.

Eolen watched as Jared walked away, then when he was sure it was safe, he tested the gate – finding it still open and stole into the home of Jared. No guards… no guards! Eolen couldn’t believe his luck. The inside of the perimeter was empty of a guard a dog anything to stop him. He knew he shouldn’t be complacent but, the place was empty what was there not to be complacent about?

Eolen made his way past the jungle of weeds and other foliage. He had been walking for a while, but he was positive he was lost; a voice suddenly spoke from the shadows of the foliage, “A lost lamb, how nice, come to Ryian my lamb you’ll be safe, Ryian will keep you safe!” Eolen gasped and plaintively replied, “Who’s there?”

Eolen heard no answer so began walking again until it continued, “It’s Ryian lost lamb, Ryian the Shepard, I’ll look after lost lamb!”

The voice kept repeating lost lamb; surely, it couldn’t be talking to me, Eolen thought, the voice then sang, “Little lamb all alone no ones coming all alone!”

Eolen whimpered then got some quick bravery, “Show yourself!”

The voice echoed back, “Awww does little Lamb feel alone? Don’t worry Ryian will be with you soon, little lamb oh so alone!”

Eolen spun round looking in everywhere, until he felt dizzy the voice then laughed, “Oh, Ryian love hiding, but little lamb will soon meet the shepard!”

Eolen fell over dizzy and in a moment a dog was on him – at least he thought it was a dog, he then saw the face, the eyes blood shot, the whole thing smothered with blood, claws that were actually nails grown to a crazy length, incrusted with dried blood. The beast opened its mouth and smiled, its teeth were rotten and covered in blood, old and new. The beast’s hair was a dark brown mixed with red of dry blood, messy and scraggly almost like a mane of a lion.

Eolen gasped and struggled when it spoke, “Little lamb with Ryian now, you won’t complain like others little lamb, Ryian likes you little lamb don’t scream!”

Eolen struggled, “Get off me now you beast!

Ryian smirked sending a glob of blood on to Eolen face, “Little lamb Ryian is no beast, Ryian is Ryian not a beast, yes Ryian is not a beast!” Eolen watched as Ryian held his arm down and began to push his nail inside, Eolen screamed. Ryian pulled his nail out sending blood spattering on the ground and licked all the blood of it, Eolen grunted and threw Ryian off him.

Ryian scowled and stood up on his all fours, Eolen sighed and tried, “Ryian please, I don’t want to hurt you, for I can only guess what you’ve been through, but I’m not your real enemy.”

Eolen watched as Ryian scowl became grimace, “Ryian only kills and eats, Ryian is a beast, Jared told him, Ryian knows he’s right so obeys Jared.” The rage then again morphed into depression.

Eolen realized he was getting somewhere, “Ryian give me a chance, I can help you, my country is far advanced I can save you, I want to be your friend…”

The rage came back and Ryian snarled, “Ryian have no friend, just shut up little lamb and do your job, Ryian will do his!”

Ryian stalked round Eolen making him shiver, but he couldn’t give up, “Ryian, please listen I’m not your enemy, I never was, the person who made you this is Jared and only Jared. You must have some humanity left in you too realize you’ve become a monster!”

Ryian growled aggressively and pounced, claws and mouth open, Eolen jumped aside and gulped, but still couldn’t give up, “Ryian, I don’t want to harm you, but…” Eolen had forgotten to stand up and now he regretted not standing up after jumping aside, for Ryian was back on him and wasted no time digging his claws into his arm. Eolen yelled out in pain and thrashed wildly managing once again to wrestle Ryian off.

Eolen grimaced in pain, but couldn’t give up “Listen, Ryian... there's something important I have to do...”

Ryian eyes lit up in interest, “Ryian lamb has a secret, Ryian wants to know?”

Eolen sighed but realized no harm in telling “A girl, who has persuaded me to take her back to my homeland with her love, is in there.”

Ryian grinned horribly, “Lamby has a girl friend, Ryian prefers girls, Jared feeds him servant girls, he’d pledged one named Tea after he’s done with her, Ryian can’t wait to rip her throat out and feast on her heavenly flesh!”

Eolen froze and hurriedly pulled out a badge embellished in blue and made out of metal, written on it was the words Espionage Level 1.

The man eyed the object with greedy eyes, then looked back at Eolen, “I could kill you now and keep this - and be fed!”

Eolen smiled weakily, “I-give-you-my-badge-I-come-back-with-meat-more-tastier-than-me-and

-you-get-your-meal-I’m-going-now-to-get-your-meat-I’ll-be-back-with

-meat-the-meat-you-want…

Ryian blinked and stood there as Eolen walked away hastily and when he could no longer see Ryian’s outline he sighed in relief; that sure had been some quick thinking on his part.

He took a deep breath (wondering what he’d say?) and rapped his knuckle over the hard hazel coloured wooden door. A knock issued and Eolen waited, looking around at the jungle of overgrown weeds he had escaped. The sky was now an inky blue colour, with only stars sending pinpricks of light down.

The door opened, Eolen turned round too see Tea in a black dressing gown and her hair, her beautiful locks were cut short, no longer would she be able to admire it. She scowled at him, “Oh, it’s you, come to save your love, well you’re a bit late, but come in nonetheless.”

Eolen walked in confused and watched as Tea slammed the door, “Is this about leaving you before and not protecting you?”

Tea looked at him bemused and replied in a harsh “Hah… get real Eolen the world doesn’t revolve around you, I didn’t cut my hair because I missed you so drop that fantasy now!”

Eolen look at her stunned then in a deathly quiet whisper replied, “I love you.”

Tea smiled meanly, venom in her hard gaze, “You love me? I’m sorry Eolen, but I’m pretty sure a man who loved a girl wouldn’t leave her to a swine like Jared.”

Eolen sighed annoyed, “Tea you want to know something, I could of left here. I only came back because I love you and you expect me to take all this, I’m a gentleman, but come on… I came back for you. Where many would have left.”

Tea looked over at Eolen and gave a smile of utter contempt, “Oh, maybe It would have been better if you’d just left, for Eolen after you abandoned me like that…” Tea stopped half way then in the meanest voice she could muster; she whispered venomously, “I hate you!”

Eolen blinked as if he’d been hit and slowly his features changed from rage to being miserable, he sniffed and whispered again “I really do love you Tea, I can’t stop thinking about you!”

Tea laughed harshly, “Aww how sweet Eolen loves me, pity the caring, kind Tea is dead, so get a new love!”

Eolen wiped the tears from his eyes and shrugged obviously still depressed, “Tea I’ll leave then, since there is nothing left, I really thought our love could just last, one more favour, All I ask is can you get me some meat?”

Tea stared as if considering then with a look of pure anger she replied, “Get out, you never helped me so I’m not helping you!”

Eolen stared at the floor then let out a whimper, “Please Tea, the meat is not important. It’s not important I could live or die by your decision. Please give me another chance, I want to save you from Jared, but only if you allow me!”

Tea looked at him aggressively and pointed at the door, Eolen let out a sigh of frustration and walked to the doorway saying this, "okay... so that night meant nothing to you...? I thought it would, I mean, it meant a hell of a lot to me!"

Tea stared at her feet shuffling awkwardly but he continued, "but I see you only did it to escape. Well done! You sure fooled me. I thought you loved me, but I was a fool! And now!? Cunning little girl you are!"

She tried to speak, but he continued, “This is last time you’ll ever see me!”

Tea looked down at her feet, then she lifted her head and tears were streaming from her eyes, “Oh, Eolen you don’t know how horrible this time been for me, I only wished you’d come earlier!”

Eolen walked back, “Tea I’m not leaving again!” He put one arm around her the hand touching the small of her back. Tea struggled out and looked at him, “Eolen, you hurt me, I’ll forgive you, just promise to stay bit longer!”

Eolen sighed in disappointment, “Tea I just remembered, I can’t stay in this country much longer!”

She looked at him and muttered “Typical!”

Eolen smiled nervously, “Tea, I’d do anything to stay, but my job…”

Tea looked angrily and disbelief, “Your Job!? If your job so important, then why don’t you be it’s lover. The man I fell in love with abandoned his post, where is he?!”

Eolen let out an annoyed sigh, “Tea my life is politics, my job was to tail Jared, but during this I met an amazing girl, that girl is you, understand this.”

Tea blushed at the words amazing girl then quickly continued, “What is the big hurry and why do you need meat?

Eolen kept eying the door nervously then answered, “No time, please,

we need to leave now!”

Tea looked puzzled, “What the hell you need meat for? Have you got a fetish for it?”

Eolen blinked then became serious again, “Tea, don’t joke about, I need meat…”

“Wow I thought I knew you, but a meat fetish!”

“Tea-listen-I-need-meat-because-If-I-don’t-we’ll-be-killed-by-Ryian-a-

cannibal-he-let-me-go-because-I-promised-I’d-bring-back-meat-also-he-

said-that-Jared-had-promised-to-give-you-to-him-after-he-gets-bored-of-

you.”

Tea eyes widened in shock, “Well, that’s bad, because… I don’t know where the kitchen is.”

Eolen blinked in disbelief, “What!?”

Tea giggled nervously, “But I’ve a general idea, where it is!”

Eolen shrugged in disbelief, “My what an interesting day this is turning out to be!”


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Last edited by Vernon on Sun May 20, 2007 4:51 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2007 1:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My God Vernon, you've taken nudity to the extreme haven't you? lol

Ok overall I think it was ok in the ideas but here are some problems I had while reading it.

There were some awkward bits. I think it is how some bits are worded. Reading it gave me an uncomfortable feeling.

Then there were your characters. Their dialogue seemed bland and so was their personality. This was shown in the little conflict they had. It resembled something similar to the cheesy soap operas I watched on tv.

The guy goes on his knees to the girl and begs to be his girlfriend again. Oh crap relationship problems, oh my god someone died etc etc. It just seems cheesy because it's so common.

Also on msn, I did told you to think how to creatively dialogue the monster. If it can speak, I'm sure it has a funny way of talking. I see you made some improvements, but it didn't really buy me over.

However, I loved how you expanded each scene in the story. That is something I struggle with lol.

Ok that's my 5 cents. Laters

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PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2007 10:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oooh! Canibalism! lol Still Awesome. I was so happy when Eolen came back for her! I knew he wouldn't leave her. This is turning out great.

I can't wait for the next chapter!!

*Lindsay*

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PostPosted: Sun May 20, 2007 8:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hurray!

That thing was scary. I liked the way it talked. It seemed very simplictic and matched what it did.

And I'm so glad Tea is getting saved. Her shell seems to have broken. Now she's back to normal Very Happy

Patiantly awaiting next chapter

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PostPosted: Sun May 20, 2007 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This one was really good! Eolen came back for her! I didn't expect such a rescue which makes me even happier that it happened. Smile That beast scared me. Lol, I thought he was going to eat Eolen before he even got a chance to save Tea. That would have been horrible! ...now Tea better find the kitchen, because if she doesn't then they won't be able to leave the house!
Hehe, funny ending though. I hope they can leave! Can't wait for the next!Smile

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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2007 8:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oooo. Cannibalism! Very interesting; I wasn't expecting that. The beginning image of Tea was detailed very well, and I love how she's so spunky. Ryian scares me. Shocked And I love Eolen! He's so cool and sweet and...yeah. He rox. I especially loved this chatper!

The detail. The drama. The suspense.

Like always, watch grammar!!! Other than that, I can tell that this story is going places. Very nice.

Keep working! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2007 7:57 pm    Post subject: A long overdue critique. Reply with quote

I said I'd critique it! So here I am:

Quote:
The girl hair was very short and had lost the shine that once outlined it. The hair was dirty and messed up.

Both sentences talk about the hair. Can they both be made into one?

Quote:
[...] she may forgiven the hateful deceitful beast.

I think one is enough. Using both weakens them a bit and makes it less potent.

Quote:
She sat up on her bed and then remembered the last thing she was but a toy or fancy to an even worse man.

Ok, I'd just use a colon here. The '...' doesn't work in proper writing.

Quote:
Eolen sighed as he thought about more things that could happen… but he had left Tea long enough.

Whoa! A massive jump and scene change. You need to make sure you're readers will keep up with the switch of POV and so you'll have to set the setting first. Something like 'In the forest a mile away Jared [...]' or whatever fits.

Quote:
He hadn’t met Tea by chance either, there was much she didn’t know about her father… but of course he’d now be able to share all this.

Ooooh! Very Happy

Quote:
Jareds mansion was known to be almost impregnable.

The mansion belongs to Jared, so it's Jared'smansion.

Quote:
The perimeter of the building was surrounded; by a very high wall with metal spokes and barely covering the spokes was a thicket on top of the wall.

No need for a semi-colon here.

Quote:
He was wearing a darker coat with a long tale at the back - his hair was finely combed.

*prods* Tail!

Quote:
Eolen fell over dizzy and in a moment a dog was on him – at least he thought it was a dog, he then saw the face, the eyes blood shot, the whole thing smothered with blood, claws that were actually nails grown to a crazy length, incrusted with dried blood.

1. Encrusted.
2. That is one hell of a sentence! Consider splitting it up a bit?

Quote:
“Ryian only kills and eats, Ryian is a beast, Jared told him, Ryian knows he’s right so obeys Jared.”

I thought he just said he wasn't a beast!?!

Quote:
Eolen sighed annoyed, “Tea you want to know something, I could of left here.

[...] could have left here.

Quote:
Tea-listen-I-need-meat-because-If-I-don’t-we’ll-be-killed-by-Ryian-a-cannibal-he-let-me-go-because-I-promised-I’d-bring-back-meat-also-he-said-that-Jared-had-promised-to-give-you-to-him-after-he-gets-bored-of-you.”

I'm not sure if I like that. It seems a bit over emphasised for getting the point across.

Quote:
Eolen shrugged in disbelief, “My what an interesting day this is turning out to be!”

Lol. Just lol.


And what a conflict between characters! Jared is utterly hateable, Tea is a bit off the rails and Eolen means well but struggles to keep up. At least none of your characters are completely unflawed!

I got the picture that Tea was only just hanging in there at the beginning but nearer the end of the chapter she become a bit more lively. Eolen seems to me like a bit of a pushover and Ryian certainly pushes him over.

And now we get on to Ryian: Wow. He's a bit of a 'Gollum' character and I'm sure that's what everyone would see but I suppose Gollum is just that generic character. I can't imagine what Jared did to him to reduce him to that but it must have been pretty awful!

You left it with unanswered questions. Of course, this leaves us hanging on the edge of that cliff and waiting for more. Very nice work Vernon. Now I just have to catch up with critiques for the other chapters!

DarkLight

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PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2007 9:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow... I have to get off now, other wise I would keep reading the whole way through. Great story, I'm really enjoying it. But Mum's telling me to get off now.. so sorry I have to stop. Keep it up, I can't wait to see where all this leads

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PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2007 8:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I must take note of your comma errors. There are several places where you need commas or semicolons, definately.

Aside from that, it's very nicely written. It's adding a nice twist to the story! WRITE MORE!!!

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 10:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Tea eyes widened in shock, “Well, that’s bad, because… I don’t know where the kitchen is.”
Eolen blinked in disbelief, “What!?”
Tea giggled nervously, “But I’ve a general idea, where it is!”
Eolen shrugged in disbelief, “My what an interesting day this is turning out to be!”"

... Very Anime-ish sounding. Well... you know, I did like this. I thought it was interesting you introduced a cannibal. You have EVERYTHING in this... I'm so proud of you Smile I can't wait untilw e can sit down and edit this... bwahaha.

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