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greenjay
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 Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 6:50 pm Post subject: |
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All in all I say it is very good. The synphoney part is interesting and is a good and original way to start a story. You might tie some of it into the story later (hope you understand what I mean by that). The super mutant hero thing is cliche, and I know you can't really change that by now having already started, but if you could add in some interesting and original plot twists you could make something really interesting and new.
Keep it up and hope you finish it!
-Me |
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M.B.Author
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 10:42 pm Post subject: |
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Good job  . I always love your stories. I cannot wait for more.
-- M.B.Author |
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Sumi H. Inkblot
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 10:50 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks guys!
The computer that has the story data is under use right now for a "emergency school assignment" according to my sibling  so I think I'll update tomorrow.
And no worries on cliche, I've got this whole thing figured out. 
The symphony thing will *definitely* come up again. (that was great to write)
Thanks again, for reviewing!
~Sumi
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theron guard
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 4:01 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked it. It was very interesting and descriptive, which is really good. After reading this, I want to go and read some more. Keep up the good work.
TG - I'll be waiting for more! |
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miyaviloves
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| Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 12:41 pm Post subject: |
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I also very much liked this! I was drawn to the title, Kismet is a Indian resturant near where i live hehe!
Anyway, this was extremly good, keep up the good work!
Meevs
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Leja
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| Posted: Sun May 27, 2007 1:29 am Post subject: |
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haha, LOVING the symphony allusion
My only problem with it was there was a big, blatant block of exposition afterwards, beginning with "Ah, yes, have I mentioned it yet?". Try to incorporate all this background into various descriptions, spread them out for the reader to piece together, or it is rather bland to read it all at once.
Yes, mutant superheroes do have a tendancy to be cliche, so just be careful with that bit, but I'm sure you'll do fine.
Good luck with the writers block!
-Amelia |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2007 11:55 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked this!
I wish you had began in a battle scene to continue the beginning part, though. My brain's half-asleep, so I had to read that part twice, but the second time I got it. It's really original; it made me actually read the whole post!
Oh, also, I loved how you introduced the characters. Especially the nine mutants. It's really hard to name so many people who have no real role yet, but you did an excellent job. |
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Leja
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 6:02 pm Post subject: |
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EDIT: Hmm, so I've already reviewed, but I forgot that I had until the third paragraph or so (Gimmie a break; my memory does not span two whole months very well ).
| Sumi wrote: |
| After a while, the clashings of the warriors becomes a unanimous harmony, and as you move through the battle, you inadvertently sink into the death melody and give yourself up to the mercy of the great conductor. |
Well, it's all about me in that first paragraph
| Sumi wrote: |
| In the lull of the bloody song, the vibraphone and the flute sing together to create a whirling energy that sustains you when people fall under your sword. The piccolo and the violins begin to embroider on the unmerciful tune, and your comrades rush to sustain you with the strength they received from seeing you standing. At last the cellos and the bassoons break in and the unseen chorus of singers start, first at a whisper before wheeling the scale around and shouting in harmony. |
Well, I did like the musical allusions the first time around, but looking at it again, maybe referring to the actual instruments is a bit much.
| Sumi wrote: |
| “I…guess I got hit a little too hard during the most recent battle.” |
Eh, that just sounds a little unnatural to me.
| Sumi wrote: |
| Ah, yes, have I mentioned it yet? |
Oh no; I cringe when these lines come up; I hear an info-dump coming...
I think the very last line is effective, but between that and the quote above, I wanted to take that information and throw it elsewhere in the story
So now I'm off to find the next part... |
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Sumi H. Inkblot
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 11:03 pm Post subject: |
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La! Why have these things been dragged up?
>.<
I feel perpetually nervous about this story...I don't know. I was thinking about PMing a mod to delete the threads, I need to polish this piece up SO badly...
Thanks for reviewing...?
:goes on sweating, so nervous...: |
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