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M.B.Author
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 Posted: Wed May 09, 2007 4:14 pm Post subject: At My School Desk |
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This was a assignment. Enjoy  !
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When I quickly look around my school desk, the first thing that catches my eye is the behemoth bulletin board. With all my story plots and character names pinned proudly up. Maybe the reason I see so clearly is, because it looms right above my head. Right out of my reach, it dangles on a single nail. Swaying at a snails pace in the slight breeze of the air-conditioning. The books on my desk raise little attention. Just enough brilliance to catch me during my observation of the area. Standing motionless, their titles shine plainly on their mute covers. Most of them are about writing, my newest hobby. The small, chocolate stuffed bunny is also in my sight. Sitting as stationary as the books close by. It gaze doesn't stray, looking blindly straight ahead. The immense, black C.D. holder stands tall at the edge of the desk. Tons of C.D.s are stacked in three lines. Perfectly organized, ready to be used. And my old, gray calculator is blank. The pens lay scattered on my desk. Their colors are of the rainbow. They do not move. Like many other objects on my desk, the action "movement" is very rare.
I smell nothing in this musty part of the house. Except from the teapot, that every once in a while spews the incense of the flavor of the tea. But noise thrives. A song that sounds like Gregorian Chants, play continuously on my computer. And the occasional voices of my brother's video game echoes in the background. The none stop clicking of his mouse rings in my ear. Frequent taps of my mom's keyboarded, also enters the symphony of noise.
Half my life has been spent in this basement where my school desk stands. With all its sights, sounds, and smells. |
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miyaviloves
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| Posted: Wed May 09, 2007 5:54 pm Post subject: |
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We had to do something like this in my creative writing class!
I like this its simple but cute? It greats a great image of your desk and the surrondings, well done!
Meevs
xxxx |
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M.B.Author
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 1:36 pm Post subject: |
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Hm...only one criquite? Well, thanks Meeves, it was encouraging. .
-- M.B.Author
P.S.
Everyone feel free to tell me what you think
about this.  |
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gymnast_789
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| Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 9:58 pm Post subject: |
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| Neat! I really like it, it has really good discriptions. |
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whence
look, it's a whence.
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| Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 1:51 am Post subject: |
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You REALLY need to learn to proofread before you post. There were some simple, yet glaring errors in this. Simple grammatic slips, a missing word or two, but they make a big difference when reading.
non-fiction?
Well, this seems more like Other-prose to me.
There wasn't a storyline.
Also, it might've been the assignment, but your opening line is glaringly straigtforward.
And how can the bulletin board, if it's as huge as you claim, possibly move simply because of AC exhaust? That bit rather confused me |
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I'm reminding myself to crit this |
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Imelda
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| Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 2:35 am Post subject: Re: At My School Desk |
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Disclaimer: this is only a critique--you take from it what is useful and ignore what is not. It's my opinion, and while I'm an experienced critiquer, reader, and writer, I'm not a professional (yet *crosses fingers*) and I'm not God, so my opinion is not always right. I hope you find something useful in this critique!
| M.B.Author wrote: |
This was a assignment. Enjoy !
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When I quickly look around my school desk, the first thing that catches my eye is the behemoth bulletin board. With all my story plots and character names pinned proudly up. Maybe the reason I see so clearly is,no comma needed here because it looms right above my head. Right out of my reach, it dangles on a single nail. Wait ... what? She has a board DANGLING from the ceiling? in a classroom? That's ... weird ...Swaying at a snailapostrophes pace in the slight breeze of the air-conditioning. The books on my desk raise little attention. Just enough brilliance to catch me during my observation of the area. Standing motionless, their titles shine plainly on their mute covers Mute isn't a great description for a book cover unless you're writing poetry .... Most of them are about writing, my newest hobby. The small, chocolatehyphenstuffed bunny is also in my sight. commaSitting as stationary as the books close by. Its gaze doesn't stray, looking blindly straight ahead. The immense, black C.D.no dots required here holder stands tall at the edge of the desk. Tons of C.D.sagain are stacked in three lines. no new sentencePerfectly organized, ready to be used. And my old, gray calculator is blank.blank? Huh? The pens lay scattered on my desk. Their colors are of the rainbowtechnically, ALL colours are in the rainbow ...I think. They do not move. Like many other objects on my desk, the action "movement" is very rare. I find this constant stating that inanimate objects don't move ... tiring. Art is not about repetition.
I smell nothing in this musty part of the house. We're jumping form your desk at school, to a house?! Except from the teapot,[b]no comma needed that every once in a while spews the incense of the flavor of the tea. But noise thrives. A song that sounds like Gregorian Chantsa Gregorian chant, play continuously on my computer. And the occasional voices of my brother's video game echoes in the background. The none non-stopstop clicking of his mouse rings in my ear. Frequent taps of my mom's keyboardedkeyboard--please proof read work, it makes it easier on us all!, also enters the symphony of noise.
Half my life has been spent in this basement where my school desk stands. With all its sights, sounds, and smells. |
It's in a basement? Why is it a school desk, then? Personally I don't really see what the point of this piece is at the moment. I think you're trying to show your environment, but I think it could do with being a little more personal, maybe? If it was about your experiences of the items/places, it'd be unique. Just a suggestion. Good luck with this ... |
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M.B.Author
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| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 4:15 am Post subject: |
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Real, quick. This is no ordenary school room. I am homeschooled. And my sclass room is the basement. Just wanted to point that out.
Other then that, thanks.
-- M.B.Author |
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