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Because - Chap. 10
Because - Chap. 10

by KJ in Other Fiction
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This thread was created on May 1, 2007
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Chapter 2 of the beast

Chapter1- The Beast

Topic ID: 15626
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Dark Beast   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 9:36 pm    Post subject: Chapter1- The Beast Reply with quote

Kazuki woke with a start. His jacket was torn and his arm was bleeding, the grey color was washed over with sand and blood. The ground was soaked in the blood of his squad mates and the attackers, they where left for dead. Confused he rubbed his head and his hair fell lose over his face. He looked around and saw his dog. “Kaji!” whispers the injured ninja to himself and curses under his breath. He slowly got to his feet and limped over to his dog and pet the beast gently. He slipped a soldier pill ( a medicine that regenerates energy and blood) down his throat and hoped it would wake him up. Kazuki frowns, thinking over what had happened. The red on his face was mixed with blood and his clans symbol. Making it look like a bloody scar. The wind blew across the desert, covering the air with sand.

As Kazuki got up again to check on his squad, Akemi and Ino started to wake up. At first he was relived but just then he saw something move, and his heart stopped cold. A figure stood behind his comrades but was cloaked the breeze of sand. He had a silhouetted appearance and seemed much stronger than the regular ninja. Kaji didn’t think about his stance, friendly or ready to strike, or who he was, he just moved. He quickly jumped up and did a rapid sequence of signs with his hands, and before the silhouette could find him, he let loose a rain of fire balls that crashed down just out of range of his friends. He landed softly, thinking that the threat was gone, but he froze, caught by a cold metal tip, and unable to move or think. The sand was gone from where the intruder was and so was the intruder. He felt a kunai‘s point softly lay in on his back ready to jolt through him.

“You seem jumpy Kazuki,” said a familiar voice. “Whats happened?”

Kazuki relaxed, it was his old teacher. He turns around to meet him “Kakashi, it’s bad, everyone’s injured .I gave Kaji a soldier pill, usually after that he’s fine in just a few minutes. We where ambushed by sound ninja that where under the orders of Rumara himself, they had his symbol. We need to get back and treat Akemi and Kino, but those men might…” “I know,” Kakashi interrupted, “I’ve sent out a pursuit team already and they are on their trail” A moan came from Kino, he had a kunai in his shoulder, and Jena was bleeding from the head. Kazuki walked over to Kaji and shook him. Kaji woke up and started to bark and growl. Kazuki puts his hand behind his head and laughs. Kaji can’t stand getting left out of a fight, and it seemed as if he was the first one down. “Kakashi, are you here on a rescue mission” He said as he tried to calm Kaji down. " No I was sent after Rumara, he picked up on the immortality idea and is trying to follow in Orochimarus foot steps. If he continues the village will be in danger." Replied Kakashi calmly. The mask hid his emotions, and while it covered one eye, it was even harder to read his face.

"I should come with you," said Kazuki hopefully. Rumara had killed his parents and he was alone because of him. "No!" Kakashi snapped " Your whole squad is hurt, including you, go back to the hospital and recover. Go now and you'll die." Kazuki painfully reminded Kakashi of one of his old students who followed the path of revenge. He fought against his comrades and joined forces with the enemy just to become strong enough to avenge his family. "I have to go and catch up with the pursuit team." Kakashi said right before he disappeared.

Kazuki picked up Kino and Kaji slipped Akemi onto his back. The wolf like dog was smart and intimidated almost any enemy with his size that met Kazuki's elbow and black fur. In a second they we’re off, heading back to the Kanoha, their village. They ran with rapid velocity but their feet landed as light as feathers, not wasting any time or energy. They silently progressed through the desert sands and blinding winds and into the quiet green forests. They quickly rose to the top of the trees, leaving the hard ground far behind in trade for the soft leaves and weaving branches and burst out of the forest and just cleared an unsuspecting villager. The villager cursed at them but they were to busy to notice. They flew over the roofs and headed toward the hospital.

He loved Kanoha, and dispite the situation, he was glad that he could see the Hokage's ( the leaders of the village) Faces on the great cliff that guarded one side of the city. The hokage's mansion rose above most of the tall buildings. The streets where lined with people and you could hear the training going on down at the academy. Kazuki snapped his attention back to his squad as he jumped off the last roof and land in front of the hospital.

They where covered in blood, both theirs and their comrades. The hospital didn’t wait a second. They rushed the two severely wounded to the doctors and had a medic look at Kazuki’s and Kaji’s wounds. Kazuki was given some bandages for him and Kaji, and were told to lie off of training for a few days. Kazuki sat their, waiting for news on his friends conditions. " Kazuki, the diagnoses is done" said one of the nurses. Kazuki ran to the doctor and asked how his friends were. " Their fine Kazuki. You should rest a bit yourself," said the doctor, whose face was straight, he seemed to be telling the truth. Kazuki never trusted doctors to give bad news, thinking that they say everything will be fine in most situations so the people would remain calm.

He just couldn’t sit around, and with his injuries he couldn't train.On top of that he wasn't allowed to talk to his friends yet. He knew where to go to get better fast though. He headed over to Chikako’s house. She was trained directly by Sakura herself. Chikako has all sorts of medical training, and could heal them both with ease. They arrived at her house as the sun started to set. Kazuki's hazel eyes twinkled in the light. He was eager to see his old friend again. He knocked on the door and Chikako opened it instantly.

“There is something wrong,” she said with a serious tone, not even noticing their wounds and the blood. She had red eye's and dried tears on her worried face. “come in we don’t have much time.”

______________________

This is my first piece.

If it seems confusing this takes place later on a few years after Naruto's time period.


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Last edited by Dark Beast on Sun May 06, 2007 2:07 pm; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 10:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, good piece. And at the looks of it, you look pretty good {lol}. Cool subject. Can't wait to see more.
Good luck.

-- M.B.Author

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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2007 11:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice work Dark Beasts. Its a good story, but it seems familiar somehow. It has some good potential.

TG Very Happy

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PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2007 11:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok you have the tense a little bit all over the place here.


Quote:
He pets the beast gently

This is happening as we read it, but...

Quote:
and slipped a soldier pill down his throat

If you want to continue that slipped needs to be slips. Also whats a soldier pill?


Quote:
He quickly jumped up and did a rapid sequence of seals,

Ok, for me and those who don't know much about army stuff, seals? You could explain this more.

In all honesty i found this rather confusing, you don't really describe your characters, and some of the names are rather similar, so yeah kinda confusing. You have a good start here, and i hope that you do write more. Just get the like tense sorted out, is it past or present? And elaborate your characters a bit more!

Meevs
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PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2007 3:36 pm    Post subject: Re: Chapter1- The Beast Reply with quote

Okay, I'll basically echo what some have said before me:
Run it through a spelling and grammar checker before posting -you'll get more replies on your ideas then your grammar that way :p

Paragraph it! It's harder to read when it's all in huge chunks like that, and that deters people from reading it.

Watch the characters - you switch from Kazuki to Kaji really quickly, and we aren't given any idea of what they might look like or are feeling, because you don't describe their faces. Let the characters get on a bright stage, not a dark one, if you get my drift.

Give the story time- you hurry through it and don't let the scene develop. Understandably, a shinobi's life is a hurried one, but you, as the narrator, don't have to let it be a blur.

Say the sentences aloud- if you wouldn't say it because it sounded too weird, then your characters probably wouldn't, either.

Describe Konoha a bit! We want to know what it looks like, especially those who aren't familiar with the anime or manga. (I know, but I always enjoy these things anyhoo)

The story has potential, give it room to grow! Smile


~Ink

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