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M.B.Author
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 Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 9:42 pm Post subject: Clara's Diary entry 1-5 |
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July 23, 1861 Tuesday
Today I have decided to volunteer in the war. I have given a lot of thought about it, and I have made up my mind. Father is also joining the war. Mother said it is a bad decision. My sister, Lizzie, is very depressed. She pleads and begs us to stay. I can hear her soft weeping beside during the night.
Mother has made breakfast for us this morning. She did not even glance at me while we ate. As we were cleaning up she broke down crying and pleading us not to go.
July 24, 1861 Wednesday
I made it! I am helping in the Pennsylvania 173 regiment. I cannot believe how many young men are joining. They all seemed so eager to join the army. The lead doctor said our regiment would leave tomorrow at 10:30 AM. I am going to bring you {my diary} and my favorite book "The Fabric of the Human Body" and I am bringing some envelopes and stamps.
July 25 1861 Thursday
I am going to a training camp in Ohio. There I will cook and get medical training. Also I will sew, wash, dry, and fold clothing for the soldiers. I will watch the men train hard, I cannot wait.
August 10, 1861 Saturday
I am so tired, training has been hard on me. There are many men, which means a numerous amount of clothing to wash and dry, and the men are always hungry so I have to cook many times a day. There are four other women here to aid. Father said, "Life brings challenges." and this is one of those many challenges.
November 1, 1861
I am terribly enraged that so many states have departed from the union. Today I saw Father, he looked battered and extremely tired. He said these men in blue are becoming splendid soldiers. Oh, how I miss Lizzie and Mother. They must be worried sick at home. I know I ought to write them soon, but where can I find the time, with all the work that i have? |
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Sam
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2007 3:26 am Post subject: |
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Hey there, M.B.!
Ooh, I was majorly excited to see a Civil War piece up- such a fun time to research, no?
I really enjoyed yoru style and you made Clara really come to life, but I had a few questions after I was done reading. I'll ask them and explain what I mean- and perhaps you'll get some ideas for when you revise. 
1. "I have given a lot of thought about it, and I have made up my mind."
This could either be an understatement or an overstatement, but whatever it is, it needs a little explanation. It would be a HUGE decision, if she were in a good position and didn't need the money immediately. On the other hand, it'd be a really easy decision if she were a prisoner of war or starving or Shanghaied- but at this point, we're not so sure about this Clara.
Describe her thoughts. Is she scared? Apprehensive? Why did she make this decision?
Also: why is her father joining? Isn't one person's financial support enough- or is he patriotic? This is your first entry. We want to get to know your characters' motives right away.
2. "I am helping in the Pennsylvania 173 regiment."
Ooh! Good for Clara. One thing- how'd she get there? How'd she sign up?
I know that these sorts of things are super-tedious to write, but it'll help your readers get to know Clara before she gets to see any true action. It'll also give them time to get to know her world and your style.
Also...where are they going tomorrow at 10:30? It takes a lot of effort to move a regiment, so that's another interesting process to describe.
3. "I will watch the men train hard, I cannot wait."
To be frank, Clara, what's so exciting about that? Describe what she means by this. Is it exciting for her to see people training for the Union cause? Do training misfires and explosions mean a chance to hone her medical skills?
4. "I am terribly enraged that so many states have departed from the union."
Many people had very complex reactions to the Secession. Describe Clara's- it'll help us get to know her a lot more. Does she miss normalcy? Does she see them as traitors? Tell us.
Very interesting piece, M.B. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions- and I'll be on the lookout for the next part of Clara's diary. |
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biancarayne
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| Posted: Mon May 14, 2007 7:10 pm Post subject: |
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| This is definitely a very interesting, well-written piece! You do a good job in making Clara seem to come alive. However, there was a sentence in this that I found awkward, though it might just be me: As we were cleaning up she broke down crying and pleading us not to go. I think maybe "pleading with us" would sound a wee bit better. But anyways, this was definitely a very good start! |
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miyaviloves
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2007 1:33 pm Post subject: |
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I remember doing something very similar to this diary in the war thing in history at school. Mine however was about a page long and was full f nothing lol.
I liked this, it's different, will you be posting some more of it?
meevs
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M.B.Author
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 1:34 pm Post subject: |
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Yes, I will try to write more, just wait. My live is very hectic right now. Sooner or later I will write more. I think there are 50 entries in all, so......ya. There will be more. Thanks for all the help.
-- M.B.Author |
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whence
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| Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 1:56 am Post subject: |
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If done correctly, this could be interesting. But so far, it seems to lack enough detail to present intrigue-building plotlines.
Well, I'd say work on what you've got before posting more.
You can do a thorough editing of these |
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mariahneu
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| Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 5:26 am Post subject: |
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The civil war is a topic that really intrigues me...
I really loved the journal entries that you wrote, through the eyes of a nurse in the civil war.
Very interesting and different. I love it! 
And it's very nice to see another young writer around my age as well.
Overall, very original story. |
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*lilmisswritergal*
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| Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 9:53 pm Post subject: |
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Hi, I'm new to the site and I am having a browse around. Sorry about the brief introduction, now for the review. I like the idea of a diary of a young nurse, with concerns from her family and friends about her new job. The story seems to be historically accurate, but perhaps you could go into a little more detail about Clara in person, her hopes, her fears. Those sorts of things are always interesting and really help the reader to identify with the character.
So, there you have it, my review on what I'm sure is going to be a great story.
*lilmisswritergal* |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 2:39 pm Post subject: |
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I like the idea to this.
What is this going to be?
Romance? Horror? Action?
OOO! It's just like xmas!
I am very intrigued by this, but maybe instead of having lots of really short entries, maybe a few less, but larger. People in novels usually write more than two lines
Keep writing, I hope I have helped a bit!
~D'Aedomir~ |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 6:16 am Post subject: |
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Oh em gee, hi! It’s been a long time! Thought I’d stop by to say hi and leave a critique behind. ^_^
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| I can hear her soft weeping beside me during the night. |
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I am going to bring you {my diary}, and my favorite book called "The Fabric of the Human Body," and I am bringing some envelopes and stamps. |
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Also I will also sew, wash, dry, and fold clothing for the soldiers. I will watch the men train hard, [period instead] I cannot wait. |
Where’s the enthusiasm? No exclamation point at the end of this? 
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| I am so tired, [period instead] training has been hard on me. |
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There are many men so many soldiers, which means a numerous amount of clothing to wash and dry, and the men are always hungry, so I have to cook many times a day. |
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| Today I saw Father, he looked battered and extremely tired. |
I would put a colon in place of that comma, but seeing as it’s a diary entry, maybe just a period would work.
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They must be worried sick at home. I know I ought to write them soon, but where can I find the time, [no comma] with all the work that i have? |
Overall, the diary entries were short and brief. I would have wished for longer entries, including more detail. It’s such a brief overview; I’d like to know where this is going. It’s so bland. You have the skeleton, but you need the meat.
I’d also like to know her background. Why did she want to volunteer in the war? Because she looked up to her father? Because she was kindhearted? Did they allow women to volunteer in the war in the 1800s? I think they were still stay-at-home girls, caring for children or sewing.
Also, Clara states she’s excited in some parts, but she doesn’t show it! Punctuation does that sort of thing, as well as words. I cannot wait. That’s so robotic. But I can’t wait! sounds more exciting! I just want to jump up and down and cheer for her! In other words, more enthusiasm. Show emotion in her writing. They may be diary entries, but it’s also a story, and the reader needs more than a few brief sentences.
Otherwise, lovely! Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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