Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

NaNoWriMo

YWS Birthday Smash!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Playing The Field - Chapter 9
Playing The Field - Chapter 9

by Meep(: in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on April 24, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Michael and Aine #1a
Saving Michael

Michael and Aine - Prologue aka Iolayne

Topic ID: 15397
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Esmé   View This User's Portfolio
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum

462
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462

300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 10:48 am    Post subject: Michael and Aine - Prologue aka Iolayne Reply with quote

Iolayne

Iolayne flipped the envelope over, eyeing it suspiciously. She toyed around with it, placing it on the desk before her, putting it back into the drawer, but in the end held it at her eyes height once more.

Minutes lapsed before she carefully opened the envelope, long black nail easily cutting through the glue. Several pieces of thin paper escaped their enclosure, each filled with tiny black letters.

Iola’s hand shook; the handwriting was so very, very familiar…

Frustration overwhelmed her, nails dug deep into her palms. Why couldn’t she just read the letter and get it over with it? Or just throw it away? She knew what it contained, she knew very well. What was done was done, nothing could change that. No words could soothe her, no words could-

Nothing could give her her life back.

Iola folded the piece of paper and looked at it once more, her face emotionless. She hesitated before beginning to systematically tear the pages into pieces, one by one, all twelve of them, stacking the bits into neat columns. She didn’t hurry – she had plenty of time.

An eternity of time.

She frowned as goosebumps appeared on her milky white arms. Shivering, she realized she was cold.

Cold? She was rarely cold these days, no matter what the temperature was.

Iolayne glanced up, furrowing her brows – the window was open, letting a chilly night breeze into her small room. She stood up and made a move as if to close it, but stopped.

What was that?

Something was out there? Or did she just imagine it? She stiffened, narrowing her eyes. Iola hissed into the night, hoping to scare away anything that might be a threat. No answer came, but Iola still did not feel safe. She turned the old latch, trying to close the window, but the handle fell off – she twisted it much too hard.

She stood there for a moment, staring at the metal piece in her palm, her mind far, far away. She knew what happened; no letter was needed to remind her of previous events.

Nevertheless, she was drawn to it. Each day, week, month – time passed with the knowledge that in that room, in that desk, was that envelope.

The key to it all.

Her hand shook as she returned to the letter, willing the pieces to be one once more. She started reading.


_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy


Last edited by Esmé on Wed Apr 25, 2007 11:25 am; edited 5 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Lilith   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

34
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Apr 2007
Posts: 222
Reviews: 34
Country: U.S.
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 12:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It a beautiful piece and I would love to read more. Honestly, from what I saw, there weren't any grammatical problems. Now you best get the next chapter up quick. Wink
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Charlie II   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

71
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 09 Feb 2007
Posts: 251
Reviews: 71
Country: England: Land of the pasty!
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh very nice! Mysterious, interesting and chilling. Of course Wink , I do have a few comments:

Quote:
She toyed around with it, placing it on the desk before her, putting it back into the drawer, but in the end held it on her eyes height once more.

I think you mean 'at eyes height'. I guess it's just an expression.

Quote:
Minutes lapsed before she carefully opened the envelope, long black nail easily cutting through the glue. Several pieces of thin paper escaped their enclosure, from margin to margin filled with tiny black letter.

I don't think 'lapsed' is the right word for the job here. 'Passed' maybe? Something like that.
I love the 'escaped their enclosure' bit. Brilliant, it's even slightly alliterative! Very Happy
I think 'filled' should go before the 'from margin to margin' bit. That would increase the flow of it and if you made 'black letter' into 'black letters' then it would read really well.

Quote:
Iola’s hand shook; the handwriting was so very, very familiar

Are two 'very's too much? Maybe. Also, your repeated full-stops (This bit '...') weaken the impact of the short sentence. If you just have one full-stop it will give it far more tension and it will strike the reader more.

Quote:
Why couldn’t she just read the letter and get over with it?

I think you mean: 'get it over with'. The 'it' must have just escaped slightly Very Happy .

Quote:
Nothing could give her her life back.

And that's the perfect example of the sentence for impact! Brilliant!

Quote:
An eternity of time.

Lol. Same thing as the one above. Make sure you don't overuse it though otherwise you lessen the impact each one has.

Quote:
Iolayne glanced up, furrowing her brows – the window was open, letting in a chilly night breeze into her small room.

Ok, you can have one 'in', but not both. That's greedy Very Happy .

Quote:
Her hand shook as she returned to the letter, willing the pieces to be one once more. She started reading.

And a great ending! Brilliant, you finish with something shocking enough to make me want more, and you reveal something else about your character. Great!


Ok. You've mastered 'The Hook'. I want more. I want to know about the 'previous events', the 'powers' and why Iolayne chooses to 'hiss' at whatever/whoever was out there!
Iolayne seems to be a very mysterious, if disturbing, character and I'm looking forwards to a bit more. You are planning on finishing this aren't you?
Anyway, keep it up, and if you have any questions PM me Very Happy .

DarkLight

_________________
I used to be "DarkLight" but now I'm "Charlie II"!

... and you can leave out the "II" Wink

"Eyes open. Head clear. See much. Say little."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Esmé   View This User's Portfolio
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum

462
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462

300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 5:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lilith: Thanks for taking your time and reading this - if you ever have anything that needs a crit, feel free to PM me.

Darklight: The same Very Happy And thanks for your corrections on expressions - I feel I’m a bit out of touch, with only six hours of English and that at school . Lol, but, skipping the lamenting, thanks a lot.


As to the continuation: I had it all mapped out. Then I crossed it out and made a new outline. Then crossed that one and am currently sick of outlines Very Happy

Changes will, of course, be made.

I love you guys, thank you for reading Very Happy *Appreciation* - (Is that even possible?)

_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Writersdomain   View This User's Portfolio
Oh, YAY!
Master of the Forum

441
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 01 Mar 2005
Posts: 1376
Reviews: 441
Country: Oceanstone
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 10:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is quite good, Elein! Very mysterious. I enjoyed it immensely. DarkLight found most of the nitpicky things I noticed, but I'll point out just a few...

Quote:
Iolayne flipped the envelope over, eyeing it suspiciously. She toyed around with it, placing it on the desk before her, putting it back into the drawer, but in the end held it at her eyes height once more.


The part with her playing with the letter is long-winded; I suggest splitting up some of the sentences.

Quote:
Minutes lapsed before she carefully opened the envelope, long black nail easily cutting through the glue. Several pieces of thin paper escaped their enclosure, from margin to margin filled with tiny black letters.


I just want to second what DarkLight said about the 'from margin to margin' part.

Quote:
Cold? She was rarely cold these days, no matter what the temperature was.

Iolayne glanced up, furrowing her brows – the window was open, letting in a chilly night breeze in her small room. She stood up and made a move as if to close it, but stopped.


This may just be me, but I felt you could use a little more description here. With this material, you can create a very powerful image. Don't write an entire paragraph about the window or room or anything; a few sentences describing the sensation of the chilly night breeze or the shadows in her room would be beautiful.

In general:
Arrow Description. While I do like your simple writing style, I thought you could use a little more description in general. Don't overdo it, but if you gave the reader more of an impression, it would improve this.

Arrow Run-on sentences. Commas do not separate complete sentences. Only semicolons and the generic punctuation like periods and question marks do. Commas don't. Proofread your piece for run-on sentences.

Very beautiful piece here, Elein. I like it. If you write more of this, I will be looking forward to a continuation. Nicely done and keep writing. PM me if you need anything! Very Happy

_________________
~ WD
"For I shall make thy screams a song
And thy sorrows a fortress
Thy tears a shield of glass."
~MatteSPEW can see you!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Esmé   View This User's Portfolio
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum

462
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462

300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 9:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks WD for reading and commenting, I so appreciate it Very Happy

I changed the margin think, but I’m still contemplating on the first sentence. *Grumbles* As to description: This was originally meant to be some kind of a prologue, -and I really didn’t want much description in it. (Which wa kind of hard, since I always put wayy to much of it, lol).

All this contemplating is giving me a headache. I hate editing, grrr. Very Happy

And again, thanks to everyone for commenting.

-Elein

_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Insomnia   View This User's Portfolio
The meaning of life is stuck to your shoe!
Novelist

201
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Mar 2007
Posts: 481
Reviews: 201
Country: New Zealand
362 Points

PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 10:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Elein! This was great, and now you've got me intrigued. I like your writing style, because it really seems to flow well to me. Some stories on here take a few paragraphs to get into it, but yours seemed to be going from the start.

And I liked your description. Of course, I like all description. I never remember to put any in me, so we're the complete opposite lol.You seem to balance it out well enough without strangling the story.

I couldn't find anything much wrong, so this is pretty much just a quick post to say that this is good, and to thank you for my critique last night. Or a couple of nights ago lol. My memory is not the best. I'll look forward to the next part. Wink

Mat

_________________
The artist formerly known as Insanityabounds.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
EmiSukotto16   View This User's Portfolio
Cats and dogs and bumpy frogs...and a large Coke.
Novelist

23
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 08 Apr 2007
Posts: 373
Reviews: 23
Country: Where I Live.....
300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 11:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really liked it and hope to read more. It really caught me and drew me in and I saw no real problems. Can't wait for the next piece.

_________________
(~) Music=Life (~)
(~) Writing=Spirit (~)
(~) Art=Soul (~)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on April 24, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on April 24, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new. - Henry David Thoreau
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society