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Can’t Take the Pain
Can’t Take the Pain

by lordgluzman in Lyrics
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on April 22, 2007
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Worrior of the Wind #1
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The Warrior of the Wind #1

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piepiemann22   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2007 10:30 pm    Post subject: The Warrior of the Wind #1 Reply with quote

Thanks for the help everyone. With your advice I finally got it right. Very Happy

Life went on as it usually did. The birds flew, the sun rose and set, and people went on. For a time that was all there was. Day by day nothing changed till darkness began to grow again. Nothing would ever be the same, and things were set into motion that no one could have predicted. They were reborn in the hearts of the true.

On the outskirts to a small town there was a fire. The family was trapped inside and there was no way to calm the blaze. It seemed as if it was possessed, determined to bring the house down. When there was nothing left, everyone thought the family was dead. That was until a fireman searching the grounds came upon a young child in the brush. He looked to be no older than nine and had a strange necklace around his neck. When questioned about he kept to himself. He would stare blankly at the wall as if in deep thought.

Jason was running through his burning home. The air was filled with smoke. It burned his eyes and make it hard for him to breath, but he went on. “Mom, Dad, Sis, where are you?” he coughed due to the smoke and fell to his hands ad knees. Soon after he heard his mother scream. He rush towards the sound. When he came to the point of origin he saw his mother dead on the floor. A second later his father’s body flew over his head into the fall. “Father!” The sound was muffled because of the crying.

“So you lived.”

Jason turned around to see a dark figure in front of him. He screamed out in agony.

Jason awoke during the middle of the night sweating. Once again he had the dream about the fire. Seeing his parents dead upon the floor and a dark figure standing in front of him. He through away the sheets an sat up. He whipped the sweat from his forehead. The alarm went off.

“Another bad night,” he said scratching his neck. Jason stood up and stretched. He raised the shade on his window and let the light in. “At least during the summer there’s at lest some light in the morning.”

The sky was gray in the early hours. The town of Merrian Heights was small and peaceful. The fire six years ago was the biggest and only tragedy it had ever seen. Located at the base of a mountain the closest town was about sixty miles away so they didn’t get many visitors. The town still had everything it needed though. Plenty of stores and jobs. In fact, everyone was happy. Nothing unusual ever really happened there and the townsfolk were fine with that. Jason was the only one who didn’t feel that way. He would take the first bus out of there is he ever got the chance.

Jason looked at his bed. The blue comforter was getting to be a nuisance. He took it off the bed and threw it next to the door. Then he made the rest of his bed and headed over to the closet. He pulled out a white t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans. Luckily the heat never bothered him. His Uncle said he inherited natural anti-freeze and a central cooling system from his great grandmother. He headed for the bath room. Just as he was about to open the door his uncle came out.

“Morning.” Uncle John was an average man. Had a descent job, made a living and extra, and was always there for Jason.

“Uncle, will you ever shave that beard of yours?”

Uncle John scratched his chin, “Never.”

Jason went into the bathroom to take his shower while his Uncle went into his room. Under his bed he pulled out an old book. “He must never find it.” He shoved it back under and went to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee.

Jason made his way down the hall to the kitchen after finishing his shower. His Uncle was sitting at the end of the round table in the middle of the room.

He looked up from is paper, “You take long showers.”

He was sweating and not from the heat, Jason knew it. Keeping that in the back of his mind he walked to the left towards the fridge. He grabbed a carton of milk and placed it on the counter. He open the cabinet above him and took out a bowl and a box of wheat flakes . He pored himself a bowl of cereal and brought it back to the table. He grabbed a seat across from his uncle.

“You know Jason, I don’t know how you can be such a morning person.” He looked up at Jason who was eating his cereal. He saw the necklace hanging from his chest. It was a rope chain with an attachment on the end. On it was a round white stone, “Are you ever going to get rid of that stone around your neck?”

Jason grasped it, “Never. It’s all I have left of them. Mom, Dad, Elizabeth, it lets me know that they’re here.”

Jason’s Uncle looked worried and disappointed. For some reason he didn’t want Jason to have that stone, like it was cursed. “Well, I’ll go shower now.”

“You didn’t earlier, why Uncle John?”

“Unlike you I’m not a morning person. It’s called using the bathroom.”

“Well that explains the smell,” he said under his breath.

“What?” Asked Uncle John behind his back.

“N, Nothing Uncle, I’ll see you later okay. I’ve got a game.” Jason finished his breakfast and headed out the front door. The air was crisp and clean. He began to run towards the center of town. He looked around seeing lights starting to come on.

“That game doesn’t start till 8:45. It’s only 7:13, what a strange kid.”

After about a mile Jason made it to town. Living on the outskirts wasn’t fun, though the run in was down hill. When he reached the fountain in the middle of the center of the town he regretted not ridding his bike. Out of breath he sat down on a bench and watched people and cars go by.

Time passed by and at around 8:30 a boy Jason’s age approached him. He wore red shorts and a coca-cola shirt. His dirty blond hair got caught in his eyes, “Dang it.”

“Kyle you fool, even I fix up my hair a bit in the morning.”

“Well it’s good to see you too Jason.”

They shook hands and took off in the direction of the fields just outside.

“Jason?”

“What Kyle?” Jason looked at him, his head was down. “You okay?”

“I don’t know, I had a weird dream last night,” and without waiting for a word from Jason he went on. “I was an Angel I think. I had white wings and a golden sword. There were things all around me, demons maybe. They were dead, I killed them and was soaked in blood. It was only a dream, but, but it seemed so real.

“Strange.”

“Do you know what it is?”

“Why would I know?”

“Well, I don’t mean to be rude, but you know a lot about dreams.

Jason looked down and thought, That’s true. “Well, for now lets think about the game.”

Kyle nodded and they continued to walk. A minute or so later they arrived at the baseball fields. There were about twenty other guys there.

“Look,” said one, “It’s Roberts and Tine.”

Everyone turned to face Jason Roberts and Kyle Tine. They were the best baseball players in Merrian Heights. The fields were nothing special. They were grass with chalk lines. The only field with dirt and a fence was own by the school. Only league games could be played there. Baseball was the only sport offered so all the kids played it. They had even split themselves into teams. Jason and Kyle were the captains of the White Angles, the number one team.

They approached the rest of their team. Jason spoke first, “Who are we facing today guys?”

One said, “The Strikers, there ranked number three.”

“Well,” said Kyle, “This should be a good game.”

As they waited for the umpire to get there Jason sat on a large rock not far away. He had looked at the clouds roll by clenching the white stone in his hand. He thought of the night of the fire. Seeing his parents dead smoking corpses on the floor and a dark figure standing over them. Then the part he didn’t understand, a light. Before he supposedly passed out he remembered seeing a bright white light. It seemed to consume him. Then, the light disappeared and all he could see was darkness surrounding him.

“Jason!”

He snapped back and turned. Kyle was running toward him. He ran so fast it seemed as though he was possessed. He finally reached him out of breath.

“What’s wrong?”

"Nothing, the ump's here, let's begin."

"Okay, then why did you run?"

"It's your uncle who's our umpire today."

"What!?"

He looked over Kevin shoulder to see his uncle putting on leg guards. Well, I don't need to walk home after the game at least.

The game started there so after. The Angels took a quick lead scoring three points in the first 3 innings stopping the strikers. Next at bat the strikers hit a double to let in a run, but it wouldn't cause a dent. At his next bat Jason smacked a home run to let in three more runs. No one score for the rest of the game so it ended 6-1 Angels.

After the game Jason walked up to his uncle, "Why did you decide to ump today's game?"

"To make sure that you returned after the game," he said with a smile.

Jason looked at his watch, it read 11:45. Sighing he walked with his uncle to the car. It was a blue Pontiac. It had no special features or designs, just a car. They arrived back at the house about five minutes later.

"Your only chore today Jason is to sort through the Attic."

"We have an attic?"

"Yes, the door is at the top of your closet."

Jason turned toward the house to look for any indication of an attic, but he couldn't find one.

"Your ceiling in your room is lower than the rest in case you hadn't noticed.

"Come to think of it, it may be lower."

"Go." He pointed at the door.

"Okay, okay, you don't have to be so pushy."

“I’m off, got some selling to do at the store. The manager wants to add a new item to the shelves. Frizzy Pop ice cream.”

“Go, and don’t give me the details. I don’t want to know.”

Jason went to his closet which was a mess. He dumped clothes, sheets, and boxes on the floor and found the ladder and door up. He opened it and headed up. He poked his head up through the hole. There was nothing there.

"Uncle! He just didn’t want me to waist my time out, stay home, study he says.” He sighed, “Why me.”

He plopped down on the bed. He looked up, down the hall was his uncles room. The door was open and he could see under the bed. There was and odd shape, or so Jason thought. He went in the room and pulled out what ever was under the bed. It was an old book. The cover was cracked. He opened it, the pages were covered in dried blood. He found a small passage he could read. "The soul that binds, giving hope. A heart to free, gives despair. Embrace the power of the Elemental."

At that moment Jason's stone began to glow. Then he started to feel pain, and a lot of it. He felt as if his soul was being ripped out of him. He coughed up some blood before fainting. The last thing he remembered was light, then darkness.


_________________
With a dream we find a purpose. With a purpose we are contemt. Being contempt lets us see. With sight we understand. With understanding we know. With knowledge we live.

~By me Anthony Delia


Last edited by piepiemann22 on Wed May 09, 2007 1:40 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 4:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You had a few typos and such but that could be fixed with a quick proofread. I also noticed you had a few problems with wiped/wipped riding/ridding. If there are two consonants after a vowel it makes it short. Only one and its long. (Gosh I sound like my English teacher now...)

Now on to the actual story. It has an intriguing storyline. Very Happy However, parts of it sounded like he did this, then this, then... Try to vary the beginnings of sentences a bit more. Also, you could combine some of the sentences. Example, when he's getting dressed.

Quote:
He had thrown on a white t-shirt that was loose fitting. He picked up a red dress shirt and threw it on unbuttoned the over t-shirt. He then fixed up his thick, dark brown hair with his fingers and was done.


Do you see what I mean? It gets a bit monotonous. With a little work this could really turn into something. Very Happy

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
On the outskirts to a small town there was a fire. The family was trapped inside and there was no way to calm the blaze. It seemed as if it was possessed, determined to bring the house down. When there was nothing left, everyone thought the family was dead. That was until a fireman searching the grounds came upon a young child in the brush. He looked to be no older than nine and had a strange necklace around his neck.

I think that this part could definatly be elaborated on, there was a fire, surely people would be panicking?? And maybe just more description here could be useful.


Quote:
lest

least Smile

Ok, i think you have a good story line her, but it needs a lot of work. I think that its all a bit too simple, like, you could describe things not just and this was this and that was that, like maybe include the descriptions some other way, like well, He sat up in his bed which was in the left side of his room. Just something so it isnt really an information dump.

Other than that its good Smile i look forward to seeing more Smile

Meevs
x

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consider rephrasing
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 6:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello,
I’ll be writing the crit as I read, ok?


Quote:
Life went on as it usually did. The birds flew, the sun rose and set, and people went on.
Love it Very Happy

Quote:
Day by day nothing changed till the day darkness began to grow again.
Too much of ‘day’. The first ‘day by day’ is good, obviously, but the last one - use something else.

Quote:
On the outskirts to a small town there was a fire. The family was trapped inside and there was no way to calm the blaze. It seemed as if it was possessed, determined to bring the house down. When there was nothing left, everyone thought the family was dead. That was until a fireman searching the grounds came upon a young child in the brush. He looked to be no older than nine and had a strange necklace around his neck.
Show us more, not just tell us dry details. So what that there was a fire? Describe it more, its blaze, flames etc. What did the people feel? Show us their fear. And - well, you get my meaning.

Quote:
The clock on his night stand read 6:00. A moment later the alarm went off.
doesn’t the alarm go off exactly when it reads 6:00?

Quote:
All showered and cleaned up Jason had put on his clothes.

Quote:
Jason awoke during the middle of the night sweating.
Not sure here, but: a) comma after ‘night’? b) during - in? Again, not sure.

Quote:
“Another bad night,” he said scratching his neck.
Comma after ‘said’

Quote:
Jason was the only one who didn't’t feel that way. He would take the first bus out of there is he ever got the chance.
Typo up there, I think Very Happy

Quote:
All showered and cleaned up Jason had put on his clothes.
This sentence somehow doesn’t flow too good. don’t ask me why, though. I just comment without any back-up, lol.

Quote:
His Uncle, who was thought to be his only family left, told him that he inherited natural anti-freeze and a central cooling system inside his body thanks to his great-grandmother.
Very Happy Nice one. Though ‘Uncle’ with capitals?
Edit: I see you have it down here, too. But still, I think minors would be good. Unless he was addressing him. Buy he wasn’t. Was he? No, he wasn’t. But I suppose it alright. *Sigh* Sorry. I sometimes type my thoughts out, lol.

Quote:
He grabbed his necklace off his dresser and left his room.
His, his, his. Possessive, he is.

Quote:
“Well it’s good to see you too Jason.”
Comma.

Quote:
There were about 12 other kids there.
Type out the 12 Very Happy Ehm, I think it would be better if the 12 was typed out. >.< *Cough cough*

Quote:
"What!"
I understand this is supposed to be an incredulous kind of ‘what’? But ;what’ still remains a question, and as thus deserves a question mark. Then the exclamation one.

Quote:
He coughed up some blood before fainting.
I remember someone telling me not to use ‘some’ in stories. I don’t remember who, but it was on this site. I think I kind of took to the philosophy.


Okay, so that’s all there is to the down to earth kind of grammar and punctuation thing Very Happy For now, lets leave all that.

-> The dream. As I said, make it more realistic. Put more emotion into it. I see no point in repeating what I already typed out up there. So. But back to the dream - make it a dream. Emphasize what it is a bit more. If the guy hadn’t woken up, I would have though that the fire thing was the main (lack of vocabulary here).

->You tell as too much instead of showing us. Very Happy

->That dialogue part with no tags. Sometimes people place too many tags (meaning: *cough cough* me), but when there are none it is also hard to realize who is who.


Anyway, you did a nice job here. It had a flow, made me want to read more. And it is very, very mean of you to end where you ended. Grrr.

Cheers,
Elein

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 6:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've only really got one thing to say in this post so I'll make it quick.

You've definately distrorted the flow of time. You said that he woke up in the middle of the night but most people don't exactly consider 6:00 the "middle" of the night. Its the same with getting ready that morning. He takes far longer than the action describes and its that way with a lot of other moments.
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 11:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks everyone. I'll get to it as fast as I can.

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 11:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello there! Your title intrigued me - I couldn't help but to come and read this. Wink So, this was quite good. I like your writing style - it is very natural and flows nicely.

There were a few spelling/grammar issues I noticed, but I think between everyone who has already commented, most of it has been covered. Proofread this, and I'm sure you'll find everything.

Quote:
On the outskirts to a small town there was a fire. The family was trapped inside and there was no way to calm the blaze. It seemed as if it was possessed, determined to bring the house down. When there was nothing left, everyone thought the family was dead. That was until a fireman searching the grounds came upon a young child in the brush. He looked to be no older than nine and had a strange necklace around his neck.


This has been mentioned above, but I think you need more description here. Keep in mind that Jason is having a dream of these things and he wakes up sweating, so it must be dramatic; also keep in mind that it is Jason remembering this; he's not going to see the fire in an objective manner; he's going to see it as pulsing with raw emotion and sorrow. He's going to see it as a catastrophic event in his life. So, describe. Show us how much Jason cares.

Quote:
Jason’s Uncle looked worried and disappointed. For some reason he didn't’t want Jason to have that stone, like it was cursed. “Well, I’ll go shower now.”


I think you should expand upon this; show us more of how protectice Jason's uncle is before telling us. This is an important part of the story; do it justice.

I also think you could have conveyed Jason and Kyle's relationship a little more powerfully. Show us more of their friendship instead of telling us how close they are.

This was quite good and I look forward to reading more! Nicely done and keep writing. PM me if you have any questions! Very Happy

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And thy sorrows a fortress
Thy tears a shield of glass."
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2007 1:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Listen to Writersdomain she knows what she is talking about. I really liked this writing and i will keep up with it if i can. Also what writersdomain critted shows that you have less mistakes than me. With my first chapter her crit was more than two pages long on microsoft word. Keep up the good writing.

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