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The Hidden Face
The Hidden Face

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Young Writers Society Forum Index » Dramatic Poetry

This thread was created on April 21, 2007
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"Breathing"

To my "angel"

Topic ID: 15320
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Riedawriter23   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 7:58 am    Post subject: To my "angel" Reply with quote

Hello my angel.

Thou that shall save me from deluding my seams,

Tarnishing the skin that protects my innocence,

So fragile and alone, cruelly empty to the touch

Sensitive, unearthly, and wronged.



I’m a virgin to denial.

I’ll admit to the hunger, but the true sin is yours.

My angel, my own savior, such a fervent assailant. 

That my love, so pure was shredded in the eyes of your beauty.

I may be of your light, but I’ll never be of your passion.



Sensations unbelievable.

I need your touch, take me back I plead.

There’s no way that I ever refused your exuberant impugn,

The torture that so powerfully tasted my harsh words and forgave them.

I want you to need me, take me from this place.



Dreams of happiness.

They saturate my mind and bleed into your conscience.

Hopes that your sweet words didn’t bedaub what is to come.

A future that isn’t burned in a trice, and yet scorches my fingertips to warn.

And though I believe that happiness won’t be found, I shan’t speak of it.



And now my angel, I ask you to leave.

Reverie is seducing, but in the end only brings tears to my eyes.

I know I have no angel, I know I have no future.

But still I ask you to leave, wrapping my dreams in a tight bundle to through overboard.

Thank you for your time, thank you for listening, but I’m helpless.

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*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!*
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wildlove100%   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 12:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

All of your poems are full of meaning, and very dramatic. This one included. I really enjoy your work,
Smile
Wild

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

very nice...full of feeling as always....keep up the good work ^_^
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Suzanne   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
, wrapping my dreams in a tight bundle to through throw overboard.


This has some great lines. It wasn't an amazing poem, but it had some good lines.

Quote:
I may be of your light, but I’ll never be of your passion.
I liked this line. Although, reading over it, I realized I misread it? I thought it said "I may be your light, but I'll never be your passion" so, having said that, don't the ofs make this line bulky? Hah.

Quote:
I’m a virgin to denial.
I also liked this line, because it says a lot in few words. Always a plus!

As to the overall poem... I don't know. It wasn't horrendously bad or anything. I think the problem was is that you wrote this all for yourself [so it seems] and so as a reader, a viewer, I don't receive a whole lot when I'm reading this. I think you could take the idea, pull it apart some, yank out the telling, add some metaphors and imagery, and it would be a lot better. The strongest problem is that it's all telling, and that I feel nothing throughout the whole thing.. sort of. I feel, but I don't feel enough. I want to feel what you feel, express your feelings, don't just say them. This could be an amazing poem.

I really hope that helped. Very Happy My ideas were muddled.

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[deleted1]   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:23 pm    Post subject: Re: To my "angel" Reply with quote

Riedawriter23 wrote:
Hello my angel.
Thou that shall save me from deluding my seams,
Tarnishing the skin that protects my innocence,
So fragile and alone, cruelly empty to the touch
Sensitive, unearthly, and wronged.

I’m a virgin to denial.
I’ll admit to the hunger, but the true sin is yours.
My angel, my own savior, such a fervent assailant.
That my love, so pure was shredded in the eyes of your beauty.
I may be of your light, but I’ll never be of your passion.

Sensations unbelievable.
I need your touch, take me back I plead.
There’s no way that I ever refused your exuberant impugn,
The torture that so powerfully tasted my harsh words and forgave them.
I want you to need me, take me from this place.

Dreams of happiness.
They saturate my mind and bleed into your conscience.
Hopes that your sweet words didn’t bedaub what is to come.
A future that isn’t burned in a trice, and yet scorches my fingertips to warn.
And though I believe that happiness won’t be found, I shan’t speak of it.

And now my angel, I ask you to leave.
Reverie is seducing, but in the end only brings tears to my eyes.
I know I have no angel, I know I have no future.
But still I ask you to leave, wrapping my dreams in a tight bundle to through overboard.
Thank you for your time, thank you for listening, but I’m helpless.


Wow..nice Rieda. I really loved it. I like how your poems mean something. Keep up the good work sista!

-Rick (Brotha! Wink )
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vines-of-beauty   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well done!
*claps hands*
This poem has meaning, it's not to hard but not to soft....if that makes sense!
Anyway, I think you have alot of talent!!
You could of made it into a story, but I think you chose well with the poem..

*keep rockin*

-Meg

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Guy: Suck it up!
Girl: I'm sorry I don't suck it up, I bleed it out!
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This thread was created on April 21, 2007

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