Topic ID: 1462
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 3157
Reviews: 437
Country: I wish I knew...
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Feb 19, 2005 8:56 pm Post subject: Stargazer |
 |
|
She stares off
Seeming to see beyond our reality
She is a dreamer
She is a stargazer
I am a dreamer too
But I dream of what I could have done
She dreams of what she will do
I walk through life backwards
She walks forwards
I look through the rearview mirror
She looks though the windshield
I'm always staring at the ground, making sure that my feet are planted firmly
She looks to the sky, imaginin what it would be like to fly
Just for once
I wish I were
A Stargazer |
_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Skye
haute couture
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 29 Nov 2004
Posts: 580
Reviews: 145
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2005 2:00 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Awwww...this is very cool. I like how you compare the two, especially the car analogy, for some reason that seemed really cool. Overall, I liked this a lot, and I could relate to it really well (I"m a Stargazer, lol.).
Nice job! |
_________________
"A poet in love is best encouraged in both capacities or neither." ~ Jane Austen, Emma. |
|
| Back to top |
|
niteowl
I'm an ol' king bee, honey,
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Nov 2004
Posts: 3941
Reviews: 381
Country: somewhere in America
432 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 2:56 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I like it, and I can definitely relate. I am sometimes a Stargazer, but usually I'm not. Just one thing: maybe you should break the last two lines into two lines each. |
_________________
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci
Got YWS?
"Whoever said senior year was easier than junior year lied through their teeth" A friend of mine |
|
| Back to top |
|
Buscador!
The Searcher
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 21
Joined: 23 Dec 2004
Posts: 3264
Reviews: 507
Country: Somewhere between the second and third circle of hell, I'm sure.
396 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 3:02 am Post subject: |
|
|
Very nice Dusky, as always.
I only have one thing, and that is this;
In the second stanza, fifth line "I walk bforwards, It just seems like it is too short and not powerful enough...I have no clue how to fix it, but that's what I noticed. |
_________________
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 04 Dec 2004
Posts: 287
Reviews: 137
Country: Far, far from reality where tears don't form.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 6:01 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This is great I love it  !!!
| Quote: |
I walk through life backwards
She walks forwards
I look through the rearview mirror
She looks though the windshield |
This is great, fav part.
This poem wasn't week at any point always powerful loved it ! |
_________________
'Sadistic lies we form like the web of a spider, the truth we hide like our flaws.' |
|
| Back to top |
|
haina
Novice
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 24 Feb 2005
Posts: 11
Reviews: 7
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 7:25 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
I look through the rearview mirror
She looks though the windshield |
Thats such a lovely thought. I like it. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 3157
Reviews: 437
Country: I wish I knew...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 12:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks y'all!
Hunter - I really couldn't think of anythign that needed to be said in that line... the fact that we're walking through life was established in the first line, so I didn't need to give a location, and I think you get a pretty good idea of HOW the Stargazer walks from the rest of the poem... |
_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sam
axis of evil, BRB
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4909
Reviews: 1251
Country: 'mreeka
326 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 12:28 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I thought this was really provacative and inspiring. However, you kind of break that kind of YOU GO GIRL!! attitude and make it clunky by using the word 'dream' way too much for your own good. Lol, if you just fix that, it would be great. |
_________________
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
- Boris Yeltsin |
|
| Back to top |
|
Eslyssa
Novice
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 29 Dec 2004
Posts: 12
Reviews: 5
Country: Sydney, Australia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 10:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Wow, this is really amazing. I'm impressed. I agree, though that you might be a bit repetitive with the vocabulary you used. That said, I quite like the simplicity of your poem and the images it conjures up.Thought provoking and...well I'm not sure how else to describe it. It is most definately mysterious, which is good. It just makes you stop and think.
Cheers,
Eslyssa |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 14 Feb 2005
Posts: 4825
Reviews: 698
Country: no, not really. I don't have a hick accent or anything.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:32 am Post subject: |
|
|
I loved it. All and all it was very powerful and had some great descriptions/metaphors.
Loved the windshield/review mirror thing.....very original thought. May I steal it? *prepares to steal Dusky's original thoughts*
Dusky: No Areida, you can't have it.
Me: Are you sure? Oh well. I guess I'll just have to continue with my lavish praise of this awesomelyfied poem.
| Quote: |
I'm always staring at the ground, making sure that my feet are planted firmly
She looks to the sky, imaginin what it would be like to fly
Just for once
I wish I were
A Stargazer |
Ah! I can completely relate to this! My dad is always telling me I need to take responsibility and start growing up.....so I could really relate to this part....I'm a Stargazer at heart.
Marvelous job.
~*~Areida~*~
PS- Stop writing so well, you put us all to shame! Well...me at least.  |
_________________
Got YWS?
"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie |
|
| Back to top |
|
hekategirl
An Angel with an Edge
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 03 Feb 2005
Posts: 1453
Reviews: 323
Country: An Alleyway North of Sanity
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:51 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Wow, this is amazing. Very beutiful. And I agree with Sam when she says you break away form the YOU GO GIRL! kind of attuide. The rear sheild mirror thing was great. This is extrodanary, very well done. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 3157
Reviews: 437
Country: I wish I knew...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2005 3:41 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks y'all.
| areida07 wrote: |
| PS- Stop writing so well, you put us all to shame! Well...me at least. |
Yes ma'am. Will do ma'am. Whatever you say ma'am. |
_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
