Topic ID: 14509
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Fabien
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 Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 11:31 pm Post subject: A Duo For The Lost Generation |
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She walked and he walked.
She was a chatterbox, he never talked.
They stopped in front of the double doors,
they were outside the little store.
They kicked the doors open, entered in full swagger,
a little too much whiskey, he begins to stagger.
She was a small girl, with a loop of metal in her lip.
He was a tall guy, with a leather belt hung loosely 'round his hips.
They only had a few coins of their own,
they lived in an abandoned building, and had no phone.
He wanted cigarettes, she wanted strawberry yogurt.
He said cigs had priority, so she shoved the yogurt down her shirt.
Their few coins went to the cancer sticks,
an addict can't live without his poison, without his fix.
They finished their business and theft,
gathered up themselves and left.
They were the duo that defined a lost generation,
they were the children of sin, they folded to temptation.
She drank her stolen yogurt, and he stank of cigarette smoke,
wearing torn jeans and leather jackets, completely broke.
They walked the grim, gray street,
They had no goals, so they just followed their feet.
---
Fabien Belcourt - 12/2006 |
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The surrounding world
was an ugly one,
but we needed no beauty
other than the light
within each other's eyes. - "Modern World" * topic15452
Last edited by Fabien on Thu Oct 25, 2007 8:10 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Nyconz421
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 11:37 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow, this is kinda depressing but it's good. It caught my attention. I liked the last 2 stanzas especially. It fits the rest and makes it really...I dont know, POP I guess. Good poem and good jbo |
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Fabien
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 11:44 pm Post subject: |
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| POP as in popular? |
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The surrounding world
was an ugly one,
but we needed no beauty
other than the light
within each other's eyes. - "Modern World" * topic15452 |
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Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 11:53 pm Post subject: |
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I enjoyed it, but sometimes the lines felt as if they were all to long. The rhyming went well, and the story was true to life. I think if you put it into rhythm (which could be rather hard...) the poem would become that much better.
Some things didn't sound right...
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She walked and he walked,
she was a chatterbox, he never talked. |
Period after Walked.
The fact that the lines in the fourth stanza were much longer than those in any other stanza made it a little...rough.
Do you know what rhythm is, within context to poetry? As I said above, I think this poem would come out 100X's better if you some how managed to put it in rhythm.
The four lines, then the two lines; the rhyming as well, it all went nicely. Except at the times where it was "doors" and "store" or "lip" and "hips" Certainly, it is only a change in the final letter (a plural) but still, it sets the rhyming off just a little bit, and makes it feel the slightest forced. When I rhyme, I try to avoid changing any sound of the word. That includes making things plural. It screws with the flow.
But, over all, I liked the story it told. Maybe you could even connect us to the two characters, give them names, make them feel like real people, make us feel sad for them? That would be even better.
Best of luck!
PS: Are you a Wilde fan? |
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you put my heart back in my hand,
and wipe it clean from the mess you made of me. |
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DragonKore
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 11:55 pm Post subject: |
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Normally I dislike poems that rhyme as much as yours did, but you did it in a way that didn't seem like you were desperately trying to get one line to rhyme with another. It had flow and told a miserable tale of lost hope.
Kudos.
Note: I didn't find your execution of rhyming singular and plural awkward at all. |
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Nyconz421
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| Posted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 10:45 am Post subject: |
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| Pop as in....hmm, I mean it makes work and it blends in with the poem. Its a good thing dont worry. |
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stupidiot92
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2007 4:38 am Post subject: |
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| I liked this poem. It has better rhyming than mine and it has a rhythm to it. I may take a closer look at it later and critique it more. |
_________________
Chairs thrown and tables toppled,
Hands armed with broken bottles,
Standing no chance to win but,
We're not running, we're not running.
-Behind Closed Doors by Rise Against |
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Maximillian_jay_Phoenix
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2007 7:37 pm Post subject: |
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| This Had A Very Retro/Futuristic Theme That I Could Visualize. Job Well Done. |
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~MXJ [a.K.a] RAJ~ |
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