Topic ID: 14409
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Goldenheart
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 Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 11:02 pm Post subject: Authorship |
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Your fingers stop moving. The silence is dense.
Your previous sentiments cease to make sense.
The screen shows your writing and waits for commands.
You look at the keyboard, and then at your hands.
You drag forth a sentence, but no, it's all wrong.
You tap on the 'backspace' and sigh loud and long.
The statement you want, the incredible thought,
is hiding behind the stiff headache you've got.
A harsh, empty buzzing is filling your ears.
You lay your head down and you hope your mind clears.
You lift up your head and see lines made of eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 's
.... This ISN'T the novel your mind often sees.
You sit for an hour. No words come. Not one.
The life of an author! How joyful! What fun! |
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TL G-Wooster
dear boy, do I LOOK like a military objective?
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| Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 11:47 pm Post subject: |
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Another great poem, Goldie!
There's strong rhythym here, and easy rhyming - things I always find difficult. 
| Goldenheart wrote: |
You sit for an hour. No words come. Not one.
The life of an author! How joyful! What fun! |
 I guess that's happened to all of us! Very good capturing of writer's block. 
-ShadowTwit |
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Mad
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| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 12:09 am Post subject: |
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Nice Goldie.
You're very good at using this two line couplet form. The use of rhyme doesn't distort what you are trying to get over at all, it makes all the better to read in fact.
| Quote: |
The statement you want, the incredible thought,
is hiding behind the stiff headache you've got. |
Probably my favourite line of the poem, how I hate those headaches!
Only thing for me and it's more of a personal opinion is that the last two don't seem to fit in as well as the rest.
Lovely piece |
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Nutty
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| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 12:37 am Post subject: |
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oh... how true. I can spend an hour on a couple of paragraphs. The words just don't come out right!
Very nice. I can't write poems... they deteriorate into stories when I'm not looking.
I liked the rhyming, too many poems seem forced and don't flow right for the sake of rhyme.
Ah! Those eeeeeeeee's! They pop up when your trying to think. I liked that line.
Yours,
Nutty |
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Nyconz421
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| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 4:01 am Post subject: |
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| Would it be polite just to say I liked it? I feel as though I'm saying that a lot though. I think that this is one of the better poems I've read on here. I think I liked it so much because I could relate to it. Very nice. |
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Via
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| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 4:10 am Post subject: |
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I liked this poem as well! However, I think I liked the monster one a little better. The structure I think works well for you, but the only thing I'm really not crazy about is the use of "you" throughout the entire poem. I try hard not to do this on my poetry and sometimes fail, but I think by writing 'about' but not really 'to' another person--"you"--it makes the reader confused on whether it's supposed to be about them or about you (of course, that could just be because I'm a crazy English major who gets reemed for "you"). But, that is my suggestion. I think I liked your monster poem better because the way it was written was perfect for the subject--and children. I think this one may need maybe a little more depth?
Good work!
WM |
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sarahcrosbeh
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| Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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Another good poem.
I have nothing bad to say about it. lol
Your writing style is ace! 
x |
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GingerLizzy
But The Tops Of Carrots Are Green
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| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 2:01 pm Post subject: |
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The statement you want, the incredible thought,
is hiding behind the stiff headache you've got.
This part didn't work well for me, as I didn't like how you rhymed 'thought' with 'got. It just messed up the flow and made it skip a beat.
You sit for an hour. No words come. Not one.
The life of an author! How joyful! What fun!
These last two lines don't fit anywhere in with the flow or rhythm of the poem and tend to dim the ending.
BUT, I loved this writing style if I'm honest and it worked well for me, apart from the two corrections above. I loved your interpretation of writers block and I am pretty sure we've all been there! |
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Gadi.
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| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 2:14 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this! Ha! Oh, the satire. The first sentence drew me in completely. I loved all the rhymes in this poem, only one felt a bit forced.
You sit for an hour. No words come. Not one.
The life of an author! How joyful! What fun!
Maybe if you do this:
"You sit for an hour: no words come, not one.
The life of an author--how joyful and fun! |
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Jasmine Hart
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| Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 9:14 am Post subject: |
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| Lol. I liked this. Your rhyming couplets are great, and I love how the story progresses. You have a great style. If I'm nitpicking, I'd say reduce the number of "eee"s, so you can fit them all on the one line and not break the whole couplet thing. Overall, this was very enjoyable. |
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Vincent
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 7:28 pm Post subject: |
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LOL!!!!
just great!!!!
i loved it!!!!!
i liked the riming too
it reminds me of someone......
try posting more like this!
vince |
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de Winter
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 8:58 pm Post subject: |
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| haha, that was great- definitely captured the feeling! |
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Rigel
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 10:18 pm Post subject: |
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Two things:
1. I adore "Sentiments cease to make sense"
2. It was lovely. |
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