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This thread was created on March 22, 2007
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| •The Fall |
Topic ID: 14346
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niteowl
I'm an ol' king bee, honey,
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 Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 8:55 pm Post subject: Fall from Grace |
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Illusions shattered
the day I heard the news,
encased in murmurs,
escorted by questions,
drowned out by false conclusions.
No one knew the man,
but now all stare at his shadow.
Mr. Hyde has erased
all of Dr. Jekyll's good
and conquered the minds
of the masses.
We placed him on
a shaking platform.
He was bound to fall someday. |
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Mad
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| Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 3:59 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
encased in murmurs,
escorted by questions, |
I like your use of descriptions here, the use of language adds something to the murmurs and questions making them stand out more and feel unusual (at least to me).
I wouldnt change anything in the first stanza, it sets up the poem beautifully with some very good lexical choice.
| Quote: |
No one knew the man,
but now all stare at his shadow. |
This line is a bit confusing to me, especially when brought together with Dr Jekyll and Hyde. Is it that no one knew the man but they all stare at his shadow, which is the rumours, thoughts which surround him, making him who he is?
| Quote: |
Mr. Hyde has erased
all of Dr. Jekyll's good
and conquered the minds
of the masses. |
Once again your choice of words is good, I think the last two lines works well in describing the extent to which this extends.
| Quote: |
We placed him on
a shaking platform.
He was bound to fall someday. |
In the end it was a nicely written poem but I am a bit confused as to the meaning of it all. I dont really know the story of Jekyll and Hyde in too much detail so maybe that is whats stopping me from understanding exactly whats meant.
Mad[/quote] |
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Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously
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| Posted: Sun Apr 01, 2007 9:53 pm Post subject: |
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My favourite lines:
| Quote: |
| escorted by questions |
because I like the way you used escorted, and
| Quote: |
No one knew the man,
but now all stare at his shadow. |
because people are so often like this.
| Quote: |
Mr. Hyde has erased
all of Dr. Jekyll's good
and conquered the minds
of the masses.
|
I'm not quite sure how this fits into the rest of the poem, but it seems structurally sound, regardless.
| Quote: |
We placed him on
a shaking platform.
He was bound to fall someday.
|
Instead of "shaking" maybe you should use "shaky" to show that it's not constantly shaking as if there is an earthquake, but rather unstable (or if shaking works better for what you meant for this poem, ignore the above). I'm also not sure who is the "him" you refer to. Is it Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde, or is it the man you mentioned in the beginning?
Overall, the reference to Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde went over my head, and I'm not sure what the overall meaning is, but I liked the rest of the poem. I hope this helps! |
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| This thread was created on March 22, 2007 |
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