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Excerpt from my NaNo
Excerpt from my NaNo

by KailaMarie in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on March 22, 2007
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Lyla. Part 1
Lyla. Part 3
Lyla. Part 4
Lyla part 5
Lyla. Part 6
Lyla. Part 7
Lyla. Part 8.
Lyla. Part 9.
Lyla. Part 10.
Lyla. Part 11
Lyla. Part 12
Lyla. Part 13
Lyla. Part 14.
Lyla. Part 15
Lyla. Part 16.

Lyla. Part 2.

Topic ID: 14335
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Alainna   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 3:41 pm    Post subject: Lyla. Part 2. Reply with quote

Continuation. Feel free to crit!!

Part 2

The next day I woke at six thirty, just as the spring sun was rising. I sat by my dressing table, riffling through my makeup bag. I fingered my electric blue eye liner, feeling like this would belong to a completely different person; the person I used to be. The person I was before I fell in love.

His eyes were a green colour, with rich chocolate brown erupting from the pupils. They always glowed with adventure and excitement, but that night they burnt with it.

Sarah and I walked round to John’s house party in late February. It was bitter cold and we rushed into the house, happy to be greeted by warmth, thumping music, the smell of pizza and John himself.

“Hi,” we chorused, shouting over the noise.

“Lovely ladies! Welcome to my castle!” John laughed, air kissing us both. He was obviously drunk, but I didn’t mind. I wasn’t into drinking more than a small glass but it didn’t bother me that others were.

“Where’s that cousin of yours?” I asked, handing him his birthday card.

John pointed to the living room and left us as the doorbell rang.

“I’m going to find Tilly. She’s staying late tonight so I’ll get a lift home with her,” Sarah yelled over the music.

“Cool.” I squeezed her arm and we split.

I wandered into the living room, where I had only ever visited once before, a year ago when I had spent an afternoon with his family.

I scanned the room and pushed my way through people, stopping occasionally to say hello to school friends, but I was desperate to see him.

And there he was. Leaning sexily against the wall, a glass of coke in one hand, a letter in the other, talking to Tilly and Cal.

“Well?” I inquired when I reached him. He smiled at me then shrugged casually.

“Win some loose some,” he said. He was holding the letter that would tell him if a top broadcaster of a teenage programme were going to use his script or not. I sighed; frustrated with the playful look on his face and so I poked him in the ribs.

“Tell me! Will they do it?”

He took my hand and I knew. I nodded, he nodded, I screamed, we hugged and then we kissed. An excited rough kiss.

“Tom that’s fantastic. You’re a proper playwright now!”

Tom handed me a glass of coke as I spoke to my other two friends. Sarah stumbled across us and complained at the fact that she hadn’t just come with me in the first place.

“You alright?” Tom asked her.

“Yeah, I’m cool. So, Tom, what did they say?” Sarah replied.

“He got it!” I exclaimed excitedly, jumping up and down, completely forgetting that I was wearing my best dress. I watched in horror as the coke flew up into the air and as gravity pulled it back down, only for half of it to land on my new gorgeous dress.

“Jeez, Lyla, watch it,” Cal laughed, taking a step back.

“Oh, your dress!” squealed Tilly. Sarah shook her head and dabbed at my dress with a napkin.

“She’s too over excited,” Tom said, taking my now empty glass away from me and setting it down on a table. “Come on, Vanish should get rid of that.” Tom took my hand and led me away.

A knock on my bedroom door snatched me out of my reverie. Mum poked her head round the door and her eyes widened in shock when she saw me sat at the dressing table.

“Oh, you’re awake,” she said as she shuffled into the room.

I smiled feebly and pointed to my uniform, spread out on the bed.

“I’m up and ready to go to school.”

Mum tucked her copper brown hair behind her ear. She had thick lustrous curls which I had inherited. She looked nervous now. Come to think of it, she looked nervous all the time now. I watched her perch herself on the edge of my bed and as she smoothed out my trousers.

“Lyla…”

“Mmm,” I replied, choosing to just put some foundation and mascara on rather than slap loads of makeup on.

“Listen.”

I nodded and glanced in the mirror. I stood up and started getting dressed, noticing that my trousers pulled around my waist.

“I’ve booked you an appointment with the doctor.”

The words sank through my body, leaving a sickening feeling. I wanted to speak but my mouth was dry. Finally I pushed a word out.

“What?”


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A few confusions....

Quote:
His eyes were a green colour, with rich chocolate brown erupting from the pupils.

I think you can say color instead of colour...although I never did figure out the difference between the two...another question about this, when you describe his eyes I don't know if you mean his eyes are brown surrounded by green or something else entirely...

Quote:
He was holding the letter that would tell him if a top broadcaster of a teenage programme were going to use his script or not.

programme? do you mean program? that confused me. Also, were should be was.

Lastly, it was all too short to be divided into two separate parts. I liked it, no doubt about that, but it seems unfinished, like you wrote the first part one day, posted what you had and did the same with the second part. I would much prefer to read something long than a million short pieces. Even if they are enjoyable.

Yes, so keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more!

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 3:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, I agree...you could have put Part 1 and Part 2 together.

I think you need a little clearer separation from when Lyla is daydreaming to when she is in the 'present' again. For instance, you could put the flashback into italics. Or you could put little stars in between...or something.

Anyway, good job and keep it up!

Yours I remain, Cool

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 2:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This (Part 1 too) is really good. Keep writing, I can't wait to read more!

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 2:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
His eyes were a green colour, with rich chocolate brown erupting from the pupils. They always glowed with adventure and excitement, but that night they burnt with it.


Love this! Especially "erupting" and "burnt." These descriptions fit together beautifully!

Quote:
“Lovely ladies! Welcome to my castle!” John laughed, air kissing us both.
Ha ha ha! Me like!

Quote:
Leaning sexily against the wall.
From your other descriptions, I know you can do much better! If you spiced this sentenced up it would should excellent! SHOW me he's sexily leaning, don't TELL me! It's the first time we see her hottie, we should see why he's so hot right away.

Quote:
“Win some loose some,” he said.
Win some, lose some. comma!

Quote:
I sighed; frustrated with the playful look on his face and so I poked him in the ribs.
Wow, what a way to get a man's attention. LOL!

Quote:
we hugged and then we kissed. An excited rough kiss.
Wait so their already dating? Oh! I thought he was a crush right now! Oh well.

Quote:
I exclaimed excitedly, jumping up and down, completely forgetting that I was wearing my best dress. I watched in horror as the coke flew up into the air and as gravity pulled it back down, only for half of it to land on my new gorgeous dress.
Amazing! She's so graceful! LOL!

The doctor...oooo!
What could be next?!?
Love your abrupt endings. That's how I write most of the time.
My only problem, but probably only my problem, is that Tom doesn't sound like a hot name. I value the names of characters above all and Tom doesn't do it for me. But, hey, don't listen to me. It was grand, overall! I have to read on![/quote]

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 6:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice cliffy. I only noticed one mistake. You wrote loose. It's actually lose.
Again, is she pregnant?
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 8:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alainna! This is wonderful, who knew. (Joke)

This is actually damn good, it's like Junk just better :p

I love it even though I hate non-fantasy stories Smile

I'm reading them one day at a time because I don't wanna waste it, you so talented.

Yes, I know the first nice thing I've ever said to you! Razz

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consider rephrasing
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 3:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello again! ^_^


Quote:
I wasn’t into drinking more than a small glass but it didn’t bother me that others were.

Comma before ‘but’. Just a little typo : )

Quote:
“Win some loose some,” he said.

Comma up there?

Quote:
I sighed; frustrated with the playful look on his face and so I poked him in the ribs.

The usage of the semicolon ruins it a bit. Consider deleting it?

Quote:
Tom that’s fantastic.

Comma.

Quote:
I nodded, he nodded, I screamed, we hugged and then we kissed.
My personal favorite from the excerpt.

Quote:
“Mmm,” I replied, choosing to just put some foundation and mascara on rather than slap loads of makeup on.

A bit too much of ‘on’.



Okay, so that was all from a grammar/spelling/other-boring-stuff POV, which can be easily cleaned up/corrected. Again, I find “Lyla” very interesting, and am thrilled that there are continuations!

One thing, though, that is bothering me a bit: The retrospections, the flashbacks. Sokool pointed that out: you need to make them stand out more, separate them from what is happening now, this moment. At the start you have a space, but when the retrospection ends, there’s nothing signalizing that. Italics or something like that would be good.

Anyway, that’s all for now,
Esme

P.S. Isn't it a curiousity that most of the cool guys drink? Grr. Personally, I hate alchohol.

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 9:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome (I told you I would read more!). I soooo want to read more of
this. You got me hooked. And a cliff-hanger too!
You are such a good writer. Keep it up!
Very Happy

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 10:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Again, a few small points first (you'll soon become familiar with the way I critique prose) -

I fingered my electric blue eye liner, feeling like this would belong to a completely different person; the person I used to be. [This is phrased a little awkwardly. I think instead of would, maybe use should? Or change it to '...feeling like this bellonged to a completely...']

I wandered into the living room, where I had only ever visited once before, a year ago when I had spent an afternoon with his family. [I'd start a new paragraph at wandered and also, this is a little too informative. Maybe you could convey the same information (or near enough) by writing 'I wandered into the vaguely familiar living room, admiring the new, blue carpet.' or something and it would be the perfect moment to describe the room. Give us a sense of atmosphere. Is there the scent of alcohol hanging in the air? Are they shouting over voices, over music. Are they frequently knocked about as others pass them or interrupted by new arrivals coming to greet them?]

A knock on my bedroom door snatched me out of my reverie. [Again, start a new paragraph at the beginning of this sentence. This part is a bit chunky and would be easier to read if divided a little more.]

I watched her perch herself on the edge of my bed and as she smoothed out my trousers. [End this line in a dash so that it makes more sense and runs smoothly into the dialogue, otherwise it feels like it's hanging there, as if it's unfinished.]

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I particularly enjoyed the flash-back in this piece but I think it needs more description. Remember to consider each of the five senses when you're writing a scene, especially one that could have so much atmosphere. There's touch - the press of hot bodies around them, his lips on hers when she kisses him -- does he have stubble or a beard? Or is his chin smooth -- and then there's smell - alcohol, maybe food to some extent, sweat, deodrant, smoke? - and taste - The salty taste of sweat and heat in the air - and sight - how does the room look? Is it completely crowded? How do her friends look? Are they dressed casual or smart? Or a variety? - and sound - thumping music, voices, other people, the swish of dresses as they scrape past each other, the clink of glasses.

In general, this is developing well. I'm glad you extended the mother's personality a touch and it's nice to see how Lyla reacts around her. Good work.

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Love it Smile

Quote:

Mum poked her head round the door and her eyes widened in shock when she saw me sat at the dressing table.


Sitting maybe?


Quote:
Tom took my hand and led me away.

A knock on my bedroom door snatched me out of my reverie. Mum poked her head round the door and her eyes widened in shock when she saw me sat at the dressing table.


You definitely need a break here...I didn't realise the whole flash-back thing for awhile because of this. Lol.

Otherwise, it's awesome!

I'm going to read the rest now Smile

Peace V Razz
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 4:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, here I am again. I think it's a good thing that the parts are so short, it keeps the reading comfortable.

JCobsesed, the words colour and programme are both correct; it's the British way of writing.

Quote:
The next day I woke at six thirty,


"woke up" would sound better.


Quote:
His eyes were a green colour,


Weirdly said; perhaps "green-coloured" would do the thing? Or then just "green", although it's a little boring.


Quote:
He smiled at me comma then shrugged casually.


Quote:
“Win some loose some,”


Win some, lose some.


Quote:
I exclaimed excitedly


A bit of a tongue twister, reconsider word choice?


The flashback isn't clear enough. You should do something to clearly show it really is a flashback, otherwise the reader gets confused.

The abrupt endings are just the right way to make the reader want to read more, good job!


Demeter xx

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 11:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello again!

There was far less to say here, and in terms of character development I think the pacing is just right, but again, I think a dramatic opening would certainly have helped this. At the moment you see, we are just receiving some of the past with no real intent to read more—give us reason, something to latch onto.

Some of this was quite weak; I find a lot of the verbs too bland. Specific examples don’t really fit here, since I see a lot of ‘and’s ‘when’s and ‘was’s. Not there is anything wrong with using them, like I said before in small quantities fantastic but here the writing does not really develop with the descriptions, something we certainly need more of.

Just a final thing—emotions! Let us know anything about your character--how does she feel? What does she hear, what she is told, how does she want to react and how do these actions influence those around her?

So ye, nitpicks attached.

Nice piece, good luck!




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