Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

Get A Free YWS Sticker!

Writing Olympics Event #7 Results!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
I Love You
I Love You

by kris in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on March 21, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Spirited 0.1
Spirited #1
Spirited #3
Spirited #4
Spirited #5

Spirited #2
Topic ID: 14321
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Firestarter   View This User's Portfolio
rear-admiral of the RED
Site Admin

986
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 20
Joined: 19 Nov 2004
Posts: 6270
Reviews: 986
Country: Albion
532 Points

PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 10:53 pm    Post subject: Spirited #2 Reply with quote

2

The emptiness of the shop was a relief after the heaving crowds outside. Ajax’s eyes scanned the room, missing nothing; one cashier, two salesmen, one supervisor, three shoppers, two (visible) cameras, the cabinet holding the most expensive diamonds and the key slot used to close the shutter. The most important detail of all was currently missing, which would mean they would to delay the whole operation.

The pair pretended to browse the ring selection. Ajax nudged Pythias and whispered, “We can’t wait long – supervisor’s already watching us.”

The black clothing and the bags no doubt arouse the suspicion of the supervisor conveniently stood behind the counter, his gaze in their direction. Pythias continued to look at the rings. “Just calm down. The instructions were very clear. I think we’re a few minutes early, anyway, old man.”

One of the salesmen, no doubt on the surreptitious orders of the watchful supervisor, stepped up and gulped. He was a man smelling strongly of cologne, his spindly figure looking odd next to the bulky Pythias and Ajax.

“Can I be of any assistance, gentleman?” the salesman asked.

Ajax was about to say no, but Pythias stepped forward and interrupted him before he had the opportunity. “Well, I’m not sure. I’m looking for an engagement ring for my fiancé, but I’m not really sure what would be the best choice.”

The man looked delighted and shone a white-teeth grin. “I guess you’ve already seen we have a very wide selection, sir. Do you know what kind you were aiming for? Gold? Silver? Diamond?”

“Well,” Pythias said slowly, as if he were deliberating. “She wears a lot of silvery jewellery, and I know she simply loves diamonds.”

The salesman clapped his hands together. “Then either the white gold, silver or platinum would be best for you, in our diamond collection. Obviously there’s a huge gulf in the price ranges between the different materials, would you mind me asking if you had a budget consideration? We try to cater for every customer.”

Pythias turned and looked over the display case, taking in the prices. “She’s a special girl. Platinum is the only thing for her.”

The salesman kept his smile; this was his big sale, this was the moment when he would prove his potential to the manager. “Our cheapest platinum diamond rings start at around three hundred drachmae. They go up quite rapidly from there, depending on the size and quality of the diamond you’re looking for, sir.”

Pythias knew he had to buy some time, get the man away so he could converse with Ajax in secret. He paused and collected his thoughts. “Do you have any information about the diamonds? I’m not exactly an expert, you see.”

“That’s what I’m here for, sir,” the salesman answered, crisply and with enthusiasm.

“Is there anything I could possibly read?” Pythias said. “Just a quick fact sheet, or something, you know the thing.”

The salesman looked blank. “I’m sure I can find something in the back,” he said anyway, in the customary way. He held his hands behind his back and walked quickly, but not too quickly, towards the counter.

Ajax grunted. He grabbed Pythias’s arm and pulled him out of earshot of anyone, in the front corner of the shop. A red-faced middle-aged man brushed past them. “What the heck do you think you’re doing?” Ajax asked.

“Playing for time,” Pythias said. “We gotta pretend to be real customers. You know the drill. Keep this salesman busy, fend off the supervisor. Then when the package arrives, we can start the real business.”

“Whatever,” Ajax murmured. “I just want this over with.”

Ajax glanced over his shoulder to the counter, where the salesman was muttering something inaudible to the supervisor while the young, female cashier listened eagerly. The exchange was brief and the supervisor grabbed something from beneath the desk and thrust it into the salesman’s hand, before whispering something else.

The over-perfumed salesman returned triumphantly. “Here you go, sir,” he said with his trademark grin. “Everything you’d ever need to know. Hope that helps.”

“Thanks,” Pythias said, flicking his hair back. “I think I’ll just read this and browse the selection, if you wouldn’t mind?” The message was clear: we want to be alone. The salesman’s eagerness was swept away in an instant, but he stuck to his politeness and nodded curtly before walking away. In his head the sale was almost lost, the manager’s praise slipping away.

Ajax looked at his watch. “What’s taking so long?”

Pythias shrugged, fingering the necklace he wore. It had numerous bronze snakes coiled around one another, spitting and hissing. It unnerved Ajax, but the trinket was of some significance to his young partner.

“I need a smoke,” Pythias said, and slipped out through the door. He lit up and Ajax watched the smoke drift up, before turning back to make sure he’d missed nothing from the shop. Two of the customers had left, which made things all the easier. Only the flustered man was left, babbling to the older salesman about money troubles, constantly rubbing his hand through his greasy hair.

One of the lights on the ceiling flickered. It made a cracking sound, flickered once more, before going black. The supervisor at the counter swore, moved out and looked up at the broken bulb. “Bastard thing,” he said, before looking at Ajax. “It always goes off, no matter what bulb we put in. Pain in the backside if you ask me.”

Ajax felt like he needed to say something. It was almost a test. The supervisor was adjudicating whether he was human enough or not to be a shopper, whether a careless conversation could be taken up. Ajax knew, instantly, that a taciturn approach would simply reinforce the suspicion, and that only by talking in the style of Pythias could he pass. His mind was empty of replies, though; he was not used to this. That’s what he had the kid for. “Have you had the electrician in?” Ajax asked, a little late.

“Yeah, not that he’s much bloody use,” the supervisor replied, squinting (even with his glasses on) up at the dead light. “I usually have to drag out the stepladder myself and slip a new one in, even though it’ll break by tomorrow, I bet.”

Ajax made a noise of agreement deep in his throat. “I bet.”

“I was wondering when he’d get here,” the supervisor suddenly said.

“Who?”

“That boy,” he explained, nodding toward the door, which was opening. “Comes in every day, never buys anything,” he added, but Ajax didn’t hear.

All his senses were locked onto the small, weedy figure of a boy with a smile that seemed too happy, closing the door and gazing open-mouthed at the shiny delights on show. Behind, Pythias had dropped his cigarette, half-finished.

Ajax didn’t need to look at his watch to know it was time.


_________________
and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Adam_Atlantian   View This User's Portfolio
Hidden in the Sea of my Soul
Master of the Forum

602
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 20
Joined: 10 May 2006
Posts: 2212
Reviews: 602
Country: Atlantis
413 Points

PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 7:29 am    Post subject: Re: Spirited #2 Reply with quote

Quote:
The black clothing and the bags no doubt arouse the suspicion of the supervisor conveniently stood behind the counter, his gaze in their direction. Pythias continued to look at the rings. “Just calm down. The instructions were very clear. I think we’re a few minutes early, anyway, old man.”


The red confused me. I get what is happening but i thik it needs to be worded different.


Quote:
“Can I be of any assistance, gentleman?” the salesman asked.


I think this could a be good spot to show the nervousness people are feeling. He sees to speak calm but it's obvious from before he's not. Give us a little more emotion.

Quote:
The man looked delighted and shone a white-teeth grin. “I guess you’ve already seen we have a very wide selection, sir. Do you know what kind you were aiming for? Gold? Silver? Diamond?”


This shows relief. So i would definently create a more nervous aspect to the salesman's speech earlier.


Quote:
The salesman kept his smile; this was his big sale, this was the moment when he would prove his potential to the manager. “Our cheapest platinum diamond rings start at around three hundred drachmae. They go up quite rapidly from there, depending on the size and quality of the diamond you’re looking for, sir.”


I like what you named the money. And the salesman's speech is so good. He knows what he's doing and seems to be good at it. Were you a salesman once? Cause with this writing I wouldn't doubt it Smile


You are killing me! You better post more Freakin A!!!! I feel like a drug addict now. GRR.....You cant cut me off like that!

It was really good incase you didn't notice Smile

CCF Sponsored Crit Adam

_________________
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger
Incandescence   View This User's Portfolio
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
Epic Novelist

891
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 18
Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Posts: 2959
Reviews: 891
Country: USA
339 Points

PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 10:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jack -


Same deal as before.


The emptiness of the shop was a relief after the heaving crowds outside.

*"emptiness" fails to invoke the image you want. I suggest "The unpopulated shop was a relief from..."

Ajax’s eyes scanned (every nook of) the room[, missing nothing;](:) one cashier, two salesmen, one supervisor, three shoppers, two [(visible)] cameras, [the] (a) cabinet holding the most expensive diamonds and the key slot used to close the shutter. The most important detail of all was currently missing, which would mean they would (have) to delay the whole operation.

The pair pretended to browse the ring selection. Ajax nudged Pythias and whispered, “We can’t wait long – supervisor’s already watching us.”

The black clothing and the bags no doubt arouse(d) the suspicion of the supervisor conveniently stood behind the counter, his gaze in their direction.

*Did you sneeze while writing this sentence?

Pythias continued to look at the rings[.](,) “Just calm down. The instructions were very clear. I think we’re a few minutes early, anyway[, old man].”

One of the salesmen, no doubt on the surreptitious orders of the watchful supervisor, stepped up and gulped. He was a man smelling strongly of cologne, his spindly figure looking odd next to the bulky Pythias and Ajax.

“Can I be of any assistance, gentleman?” [the salesman] (he) asked.

Ajax was about to say no, but Pythias stepped forward and interrupted him before he had the opportunity. “Well, I’m not sure. I’m looking for an engagement ring for my fiancé, but I’m not really sure what would be the best choice.”

The man looked delighted and shone a white-t[ee](oo)th(ed) grin. “I guess you’ve already seen we have a very wide selection, sir. Do you know what kind you were aiming for? Gold? Silver? Diamond?”

“Well,” Pythias said slowly, as if he were deliberating. “She wears a lot of silvery jewellery, and I know she simply loves diamonds.”

The salesman clapped his hands together. “Then either the white gold, silver or platinum would be best for you, in (from) our diamond collection. Obviously there’s a huge gulf in the price ranges between the different materials, would you mind me asking if you had a budget consideration? We try to cater [for] (to) every customer('s limitations).”

Pythias turned and looked over the display case, taking in the prices. “She’s a special girl. Platinum is the only thing for her.”

The salesman kept his smile; this was his big sale, this was the moment when he would prove his potential to the manager. “Our cheapest platinum diamond rings start at around three hundred drachmae. They go up quite rapidly from there, depending on the size and quality of the diamond you’re looking for[, sir].”

Pythias knew he had to buy some time, get the man away so he could converse with Ajax in secret. He paused and collected his thoughts. “Do you have any information about the diamonds? I’m not exactly an expert, you see.”

“That’s what I’m here for, sir,” the salesman answered[,] crisply and with enthusiasm.

“Is there anything I could possibly read?” Pythias said. “Just a quick fact sheet, or something, you know the thing.”

The salesman looked blank. “I’m sure I can find something in the back,” he said anyway, in the customary way.

*"Anyway" implies that he did something against his (better) judgment--I see no indication that that is the case. Perhaps rephrase that tag.

He held his hands behind his back and walked quickly, but not too quickly, towards the counter.

Ajax grunted. He grabbed Pythias’s arm and pulled him out of earshot of anyone[, in the front corner of the shop]. A red-faced middle-aged man brushed past them. “What the heck do you think you’re doing?” Ajax asked.

“Playing for time,” Pythias said. “We gotta pretend to be real customers. You know the drill. Keep this salesman busy, fend off the supervisor. Then when the package arrives, we can start the real business.”

“Whatever,” Ajax murmured. “I just want this over with.”

*Too abrupt. I like the Ajax "murmurs" this phrase, but I don't like the "whatever." You need an action tag--perhaps he rolls his eyes, shrugs? Something.

Ajax glanced over his shoulder to the counter, where the salesman was muttering something inaudible to the supervisor while the young, female cashier listened eagerly.

*Watch out for prepositional phrases; they seem to be abundant in this chapter. While they give more description, you can usually phrase them in a better way than simply tacking a bunch of them onto one sentence.

The exchange was brief and the supervisor grabbed something from beneath the desk and thrust it into the salesman’s hand, before whispering something else.

The over-perfumed salesman returned triumphantly. “Here you go, sir,” he said with his trademark grin. “Everything you’d ever need to know. Hope that helps.”

“Thanks,” Pythias said, flicking his hair back. “I think I’ll just read this and browse the selection, if you wouldn’t mind?” The message was clear: we want to be alone. The salesman’s eagerness was swept away in an instant, but he stuck to his politeness and nodded curtly before walking away. In his head the sale was almost lost, the manager’s praise slipping away.

Ajax looked at his watch. “What’s taking so long?”

Pythias shrugged, fingering the necklace he wore. It had numerous bronze snakes coiled around one another, spitting and hissing. It unnerved Ajax, but the trinket was of some significance to his young partner.

“I need a smoke,” Pythias said, and slipped out through the door. He lit up and Ajax watched the smoke drift up, before turning back to make sure he’d missed nothing from the shop.

*How does Ajax watch Pythias slip through a door and light a cigarette? Wouldn't the door close faster than that? It seems to happen too fast, faster than reality permits.

Two of the customers had left, which made things all the easier. Only the flustered man was left, babbling to the older salesman about money troubles, constantly rubbing his hand through his greasy hair.

*What? Is this the same man who brushed past them earlier? I'm not sure who "the flustered man" is.

One of the lights on the ceiling flickered. It made a cracking sound [,] (and) flickered once more[,] before going black. The supervisor at the counter swore, [moved out] (walked over) and looked up at the broken bulb. “Bastard thing,” he said[,] before [looking (glancing) at Ajax. “It always goes off, no matter what bulb we put in. Pain in the backside if you ask me.”

Ajax felt like he needed to say something. It was almost a test. The supervisor was adjudicating whether he was human enough or not to be a shopper, whether a careless conversation could be taken up. Ajax knew, instantly, that a taciturn approach would simply reinforce the suspicion, and that only by talking in the style of Pythias could he pass. His mind was empty of replies, though; he was not used to this. That’s what he had the kid for. “Have you had the electrician in?” Ajax asked, a little late.

“Yeah, not that he’s much bloody use,” the supervisor replied, squinting [(even with his glasses on)] (through his glasses) up at the dead light. “I usually have to drag out the stepladder myself and slip a new one in, even though it’ll break by tomorrow, I bet.”

Ajax made a noise of agreement deep in his throat. “I bet.”

“I was wondering when he’d get here,” the supervisor suddenly said.

*Too fast. I want the supervisor to look over Ajax and see someone walk in, or something. This is too abrupt.

“Who?”

“That boy,” he explained, nodding toward the door, which was opening. “Comes in every day, never buys anything,” he added, but Ajax didn’t hear.

All his senses were locked onto the small, weedy figure of a boy with a smile that seemed too happy, closing the door and gazing open-mouthed at the shiny delights on show. [Behind] (Outside), Pythias had dropped his cigarette, half-finished.

Ajax didn’t need to look at his watch to know it was time.



Jack, again, mostly the same problems I had with the first set. You seem to be more fluent in Ajax and Pythias, which is good. But sometimes the story seemed to leap ahead of itself. Also, watch out for complex sentences all tacked together. It chops the flow up and makes me want to skip paragraphs.


Hope this helps a little,
Brad

_________________
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
Caligula's Launderette   View This User's Portfolio
that's just what we call pillow talk, baby
Master of the Forum

491
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 21
Joined: 13 Apr 2005
Posts: 2199
Reviews: 491
Country: how should I know, I don't even know where my socks are half the time?
819 Points

PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 10:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heya!






_________________
Vanessa: You should really make your bed. It sets the tone for the day.
Chuck: But, how do you know what tone I was trying to set?
- Smart People

Got YWS?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Skye   View This User's Portfolio
haute couture
Speaker of the Forum

145
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 29 Nov 2004
Posts: 580
Reviews: 145
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 9:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All right, only a couple things here:

Quote:
The black clothing and the bags no doubt aroused the suspicions of the supervisor conveniently stood standing behind the counter, his gaze in their direction.


This has probably been pointed out already, but it's rather confusing -- hopefully the bold parts help clear things up.

Quote:
“Well,” Pythias said slowly, as if he were deliberating. “She wears a lot of silvery jewellery, and I know she simply loves diamonds.”


I don't know if you meant to do this or not, but Pyth sounds vaguely feminine, especially in this chapter (the quote about really stood out to me). I figured I'd point it out in case you wanted to do anything about it. Like Brad said before, Ajax's character does seem to be much more developed than Pythias', at least on paper.

Quote:
One of the lights on the ceiling flickered. It made a cracking sound, flickered once more, before going and went black.


Quote:
The supervisor was adjudicating whether he was human enough or not to be a shopper, whether a careless conversation could be taken up.


This is an awkward sentence; perhaps it can be rephrased?

Quote:
the supervisor replied, squinting (even with his glasses on) up at the dead light.


Not fond of the parentheses here -- perhaps you could work in the glasses another way, or nix it altogether.

Whew, talk about a cliffhanger! I can't wait to read more; I'm really enjoying this so far, Jack. Smile

Have a good one.

_________________
"A poet in love is best encouraged in both capacities or neither." ~ Jane Austen, Emma.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
Poor Imp   View This User's Portfolio
imp forgets what was writ
Epic Novelist

416
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 20
Joined: 20 Feb 2006
Posts: 3774
Reviews: 416
Country: the roof
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 6:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How can one beat CL's lovely handwriting and scanned in remarks? ^_~ Ah well, I'm printing this; and then next as the weekend and fencing has apparently put me behind on it.

And I agree with CL on her characterisation point. Though I complained of Pyth's introduction, he and Ajax are more neatly drawn in relation to each other in this. ^_^




IMP

_________________
'We experiment with ourselves in a way we would never permit ourselves to experiment with animals and, carried away by our curiosity, we cheerfully vivisect our souls.'-Nietszche
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Poor Imp   View This User's Portfolio
imp forgets what was writ
Epic Novelist

416
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 20
Joined: 20 Feb 2006
Posts: 3774
Reviews: 416
Country: the roof
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 12:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

For an actual critique, rather than brief, off-the-cuff remarks. Though now that I've read through CL, Skye and Brad's comments, it seems sentence structure and syntax have, at least, mostly been cleared up.

Quote:
The emptiness of the shop was a relief after the heaving crowds outside. Ajax’s eyes scanned the room, missing nothing; [ rather a (Smile colon?] one cashier, two salesmen, one supervisor, three shoppers, two (visible) cameras, [ full-stop?] The cabinet holding the most expensive diamonds and the key slot used to close the shutter [lay at the far end of the shop? stood directly before them? ]. The most important detail of all was currently missing, which would mean they would [need ] to delay the whole operation.


For the sake of clarity and crispness, I would end the sentence after 'two cameras'. It is a terribly long sentence for opening, and its punctuation only lets it drag, I think.


Quote:
One of the salesmen, no doubt on the surreptitious orders of the watchful supervisor, stepped up and gulped. He was a man smelling strongly of cologne, his spindly figure looking odd next to the bulky Pythias and Ajax.


The prose, as far as definitive description, seems less to the point in this chapter than the preceding prologue and first. With CL's final note in mind, I do think syntax is involved somewhat. And the poor salesman seems to get quite a bit of it.

Final sentence in the above, suggestion: [/i]'He was a man smelling strongly of cologne, spindly figure incongruous beside the bulky Pythias and Ajax[/i].'

Ah, honestly, your work is strong enough that it's difficult to pick the small things up.

Quote:
The salesman looked blank. “I’m sure I can find something in the back,” he said anyway, in the customary way.


Awkward double 'way'. Suggestion as to that: 'he said despite it, automatic courtesy strained.'

Naturally, I get the sense of his spiel being upset, his expectations crumbling. The 'customary way' seems to imply a habitual, oily attitude, boot-licking sort of thing - but it doesn't come through.

Quote:
he over-perfumed salesman returned triumphantly. “Here you go, sir,” he said with his trademark grin. “Everything you’d ever need to know. Hope that helps.”


With his winning grin? His cheap grin? 'Trademark' felt tossed-out; though it may be my aversion to the word.

Quote:
The salesman’s eagerness was swept away in an instant, but he stuck to his politeness and nodded curtly before walking away. In his head the sale was almost lost, the manager’s praise slipping away.


Oy, I'm certain I've read more 'away's' in this, and various descriptions of manner under 'way' than is even probable. ^_^' Aphasia, I think it's called, sans 'a' - a pretty way to end a sentence. I don't need to tell you it's awkward in such succession.

Quote:
Pythias shrugged, fingering the necklace he wore. It had numerous bronze snakes coiled around one anothe [made the chain? ]r, spitting and hissing. It unnerved Ajax, but the trinket was of some significance to his young partner.


Sentence structure - beginning the same way three times. But it was the remark about the necklace itself that caught my eye. It's of what significance? Why? Has Ajax noticed him with it often, since they've known each other? Is he wondering about it now?

It might feel less passive if preceded by an action from Ajax. So - 'Unnerved, Ajax glanced away/aside. The trinket was of some significance to his young partner - what, he hadn't asked and didn't need to know.'

Naturally, that may be missing the plot or relationship entirely on my part. ^_^' It's the changing up that I'm after, intermingled telling with showing.

---


Ah well, that's all for line-by-line.

With its lighter atmosphere, you seem to have to taken off the specificity of the previous installments. Pyth and Ajax, in interaction, are excellent. But the shop feels hazy in comparison to Ajax's flat.

I wonder if it would benefit from a contrasting (or more contrast) of Ajax, the gritty, wine-soaked presence that his home gave, that he gave, and the slick, cool interior of a jewellery?

That's all for now. I'm bloody sick of it; but still short on time.



IMP

_________________
'We experiment with ourselves in a way we would never permit ourselves to experiment with animals and, carried away by our curiosity, we cheerfully vivisect our souls.'-Nietszche
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Sam   View This User's Portfolio
sister socrates
Epic Novelist

1240
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4810
Reviews: 1240
Country: oslo in the summertime
726 Points

PostPosted: Sun Apr 01, 2007 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Jack!

This was just as interesting and refreshing as the first part- perhaps a little more, because your characters' situation was quite intriguing. Well written, good stuff, overall.

Well, a critique just wouldn't be a critique without a few things to bother you about, would it? Wink

CONTRAST: Pythias seems to be a bit of a ditz- he flicks his hair, for Christ's sake. It shows in his speech, as well, that he's very, very naïve (with the use of 'gotta' and his far-fetched plans and all of that).

Unfortunately...instead of taking the chance to create a little humor and conflict with focused old Ajax, they sort of sound like each other.

What to do? Simply clean up Ajax's speech a little bit. It's okay for Pythias to sound like a five-year old, but it sounds very strange for both of your main characters to sound like that.

An example of a line to patch up:

Quote:
The pair pretended to browse the ring selection. Ajax nudged Pythias and whispered, “We can’t wait long – supervisor’s already watching us.”


Teehee, a tough quiz: there's only two offending words. What are they? "Whispered" and "already". Just scrap already; it takes too much breath (it's tacit, I suppose). Whispering is a bit first grade. Murmuring might be better, especially if it's Pythias' job and Ajax is merely guiding him in the right direction. Ajax would be a little more passive, then, and the word 'murmur' suggests that.

CONFLICT: I see you're a 300 fan [who isn't?], so of course you know all about conflict. Spartans vs. Persians, right? It's huge, climactic, and affects each and every little bit of the opposing parties' lives.

That's the way you want to think of conflicts in a story. There's some way that the conflict is affecting your characters at all times, unless you have a pretty darn good excuse ("They're dead" would be such an example).

I remember from past posts and things that you're always looking for ways to hook your reader- you certainly did that, in this piece, with a thief's perspective and surveillance of a room. You didn't carry on the hook, though, and all of that cool suspense was lost.

How to fix it? While Pythias is blabbering on about his 'fiancèe', Ajax merely stands there. A master criminal probably wouldn't do that- they'd be constantly scanning about for inherent danger or new opportunities. Keep the thief's eye in mind throughout the entire chapter, and you've got yourself enough conflict and suspense to keep everyone satisfied.

___

I've got to say, Jack, I do quite like Pythias the Ditz. It seems that a lot of interesting things could happen with him in the picture. Razz

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or want me to take a second look at something. I'd be happy to oblige.

_________________
He could not fall in love with anyone who wasn’t perfect, he told himself. It would be so hard to love someone imperfect.

- Also, I Could Kill You
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Suzanne   View This User's Portfolio
Ya bet yer boots?
Writer of Legend

1742
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 6910
Reviews: 1742
Country: Riverbluff, MO
1138 Points

PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2007 8:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
which would mean they would to delay the whole operation
Missing a word?

Quote:
The black clothing and the bags no doubt arouse the suspicion of the supervisor conveniently stood behind the counter, his gaze in their direction.
Funky tense: Should that be standing?

Quote:
The man looked delighted and shone a white-teeth grin.
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about already...

Quote:
He grabbed Pythias’s arm and pulled him out of earshot of anyone, in the front corner of the shop.
I don't think you need that comma.

Ah!!! Makes you wonder if it's his kid. And this is really exciting. I like seeing you work with more dialog, this went a lot more smoothly and I absolutely loved it. Brilliant story! Sorry I can't think of more to say?

_________________
Dr. Frankenstein: You know, I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
Igor: What hump?
-Young Frankenstein

What am I reading?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
gyrfalcon   View This User's Portfolio
to live would be an awefully big adventure
Master of the Forum

421
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 20
Joined: 04 Sep 2006
Posts: 2124
Reviews: 421
Country: follow me
751 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Smile I especially liked the bit about the sales associate wanting to make his "big sale" and how he felt when he saw it slipping away--I know that feeling. As ever, Jack, a total joy to read, and as ever, Brad and CL have beaten me here. I just want you to know that you have swept up another fan, darling, keep it up!

_________________
“If we do not believe in decent behaviour, why should we be so anxious to make excuses for not having behaved decently…For you notice that it is only for our bad behaviour that we find all these explanations.” ~C.S. Lewis
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on March 21, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on March 21, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing. - Oscar Wilde
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society