Topic ID: 14115
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Church
Senior Writer
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300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 10:32 pm Post subject: |
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pregnent...definently pregnent...right
its well writen and I liked it
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Kathy_7_Kathy
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 11:04 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it very much!!! 
I'ts very pretty!!! 
And it is verry intresting!!!
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Sythe
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| Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 8:59 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. This was a fantastic start! I'm already hooked!
You have a lot of grammar issues, but you can always fix those when you edit. But for right now, this is really good. Oh, yeah, I'm here because you critiqued my story and now I'm here for yours!
One thing that I feel this is lacking is detail. You have a great main character, but there just isn't enough detail to support anything. Did that make sense? I'm confused. 
Anyway, this is really good. I want to read more!
:Sythe:
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KJ
She moves in mysterious ways...
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170 Points
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 12:43 pm Post subject: |
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Hey. I liked this. The only things that I didn't like was your spacing and I caught a few punctuation errors. I'm sure you can catch them if you go back and read over it.
Pretty solid beginning. Interested to see where this is going. Keep writing.
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 10:08 am Post subject: |
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A few small comments/ suggestions first, dear -
I listened to the shouting. The angry whispers followed by screams had become normal. [I think the beginning would be more dramatic if you combined these two sentences. Something like - 'I listened to the shouting; angry whispers followed by screams had become normality.']
How I had ruined my parents' lives.
People who spread rumours are rats and school’s infested. [I'd suggest placing this in italics to show that it's a direct thought and so that your change in tense doesn't confuse people.]
This is a good start, Alainna. I think that it was a little low on characterization - maybe expand the section with the parents, describe how the mother is crumpled against the wall - is her head turned away, does it look like she's fallen, been pushed or thrown herself down? - and is the father more angry with Lyla, worried, upset? Is he nervous around her? Embarressed that she heard? Or does he not care?
I think the section with Sarah, the class mate, showed the characters quite well and the relationship between them. And the ending was strange and intriguing.
Overall, a good start. I look forward to reading more xx
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Demeter
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 3:36 pm Post subject: |
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Hello, Alainna! I've heard that this is a good story, so I decided to take a look.
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| “… irresponsible…disgrace…hate…” |
You should leave empty space before each of these words.
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| I could hear Dad whispering something, calm, sorry. |
The ending of this sentence confused me. Or is it just a special effect?
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| “If I could turn back time I would. |
A comma between "time" and "I".
Remember also to start a new line before every piece of dialogue.
So. The story seems interesting, and I think I'll keep reading. Wonder what's wrong with her? See you around!
Demeter xx
(and this is my 130th review, so feel special, haha )
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Blink
I think therefore I Blink.
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 11:14 am Post subject: |
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Hi Alainna!
I’m going to try and get through all of Lyla, it looks like a good story and I need something to read. So far, this isn’t bad and I’m liking it! In fact you can find all the nitpicks in the attached document. Right, here are my comments regarding this:
Points
- Boring Verbs – As you veered towards the end, I felt you were doing a great job but throughout there was a lot of ‘to be’ and other similar. Now I know any writer will say there is no definite rule for writing, but you still need to make that all important connection with the reader, extremely important at this early stage. In my opinion, there are also colourful verbs that can really help fluidity and pacing. I will never say to you that you must use them every time, but nonetheless can boost your writing dramatically. Consider, ‘I was walking sadly in the apartment,’ or ‘I moped around the apartment’? In that particular example it involved a change in tense (from imperfect to perfect) but either way, judging the necessity of it can be seriously important.
- Descriptions – I found here that you generalise a lot. I knew exactly what you were saying, but a lot of the time I felt the emotions you were telling us just weren’t there, and I couldn’t help but wonder who you’re character is. You don’t need ten adjectives per sentence, but for example, the scene when Lyla went out to talk to her parents was a very short and bland scene. Always write down the purpose of each scene. It was a good introduction but essentially, could she have just stayed in her room and wept? Or maybe left to speak to someone, some tension rapidly building up? This also ties in with another point—not to just tell us what is happening. If you can get us to like, or even love your character then the story will be far easier to follow and believe in.
Overall
A lovely piece and a great introduction. Just bear in mind a few of my thoughts and good luck! Hope to see you around...
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RowanHowler
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:46 pm Post subject: |
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Hello,
I think you do a good job with emotions, I can clearly feel the main character's misery and fear in the very beginning, and her parents aren't far behind. I think a bit more description about them might make them more memorable.
I think you need some kind of break to show a time lapse before “Are you still not coming to school?”
“No.” I was stood in my pyjamas- “No.” I was in my pajamas
I think overall this is an interesting snippet. Far too short, of course  so there isn't much to comment on. I want to know more about the characters. I think you may as well have her overhear whole parts of her parent's conversation so we can get a better feel for them and the situation. i instantly like Lyla's friend, Sarah. Good work. Keep writing!
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