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gyrfalcon
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 Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 4:34 am Post subject: |
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| A pat on the back: When I came back to find another chapter, after a few days of having not read, I instantly remembered everyone; that almost never happens when I read things online. Congratulations for creating such memorable characters! |
 
I'm so glad!!!! *deep breaths* This was my HUGE concern for this story, very happy that I overcame it with you, at least. Thanks again for all your wonderful advice, I promise I shall integrate it as soon as Gypsie Eyes releases its deathgrip on my throat and time.
*cookies are strewn* |
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Last edited by gyrfalcon on Wed Sep 05, 2007 11:59 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Caligula's Launderette
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| Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 11:38 pm Post subject: |
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Gyr, here it is. The drill is if something doesn't make sense or my handwriting is just that atrocious shout out to me.
KANE AND MITRA
Reading over the section with Kane and Mitra I get this sense of complete and total destruction of their relationship. I almost think you might want to build up to this explosion rather than it taking us by surprise. At first I just though Mitra was upset that he had been away for so long.
ADOPTIVENESS
Pran in narrative calls Latrichia is adopted daughter, now through reading his relationship with her I feel that Pran really, really cares about her, loves her. I know you have him call her adopted for designation purposes, but in my experience parents who have adopted children most often will call their children daughter or son because they fell they are the parents, not adopted parent. I'd leave off the adopted and have it come out later in the story, maybe have Latrichia tell someone that she was adopted by Pran.
Yeah, pretty much you've got really good stuff here, Gyr. Looking forward to reading the second chapter.
Ta,
Cal. |
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gyrfalcon
now we must laud the heaven-kingdom's keeper
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 12:03 am Post subject: |
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| CL you're an absolute wonder! *many hugs* This is hugely useful, I love your format of critting. Do not dare let me rest until I have integrated this! |
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"I would take the song of the swan as my entertainment, the cry of the gannet and the call of the curlew in place of human laughter...storms would pound the rocky cliffs whilst the tern, icy-winged, answered them..." ~The Seafarer, 10th century |
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sokool15
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| Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 11:40 pm Post subject: |
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All right, gyr, great job again!  hmmm...the four of us have a bond? The four being...Sharr Kavan, Mitra, Lativichia and...whoever the other one was. Cool.
All right, sweetness. I don't really have much to critique...except that it's been so long since I'd read teh first chapters, I had to go back to see what they were all about.
Anyway, good job!
~Madame Kool |
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Kyte
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| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 12:31 am Post subject: |
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| Okay, I like. One thing: give us more of a description of the planet. What are its colors? What do the skyways and cars look like? That kind of thing is always useful. It's the thought that counts. |
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gyrfalcon
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| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 12:32 am Post subject: |
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| The four being...Sharr Kavan, Mitra, Lativichia and...whoever the other one was. Cool. |
LOL! The four are Sharr, Kivan, Mitra, and Latrichia, darling--thanks for reading! |
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"I would take the song of the swan as my entertainment, the cry of the gannet and the call of the curlew in place of human laughter...storms would pound the rocky cliffs whilst the tern, icy-winged, answered them..." ~The Seafarer, 10th century |
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Myth
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| Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 1:28 pm Post subject: |
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Green = Comment
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review
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| He shuffled through her pack as if glad of his protective rubber gloves, and every time he looked at her, she saw the words alien lover behind his eyes. |
Still waiting for an answer. Birdie! My last comment on this was:
Is this a strange ability or is she just reading him as a person? Like the way you can tell a person is a bully or not [depending]?
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| After a few kilometers, a tempting smell brought her to a halt near a clogged intersection. |
Doesn’t seem right to have ‘kilometers’ in there, maybe something simple like: After a while [...] Your own choice of course.
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Kivan leaned back, making herself comfortable in the sturdy wicker chair that smelled of sweet hay. “If it’s all the same to you, I’d prefer something more substantial.”
[...]
He set his empty wine glass on the waiter’s tray, and then returned to examining her across the round, glass-topped table. |
I don’t know if wicker chairs go with glass top tables. Since it is a café a wooden table would suit as it isn’t as luxurious as restaurants.
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| Kivan didn't answer right away. She knew all to well what her race could do with the idea they were right. |
Typo = too
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| Her thin lips pulled back in a smile as freezing as artic night. |
‘freezing’ should definitely be ‘cold’. Cold is a much better way to describe the her smile.
Also: ‘artic’ = arctic
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| “You gutless Realmer,” she returned coolly. |
This comes more as an insult, so I suggest changing ‘coolly’ because we all know from experience how we feel when we say harsh things about others. So go for something that makes her tone unpleasant.
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| Perhaps not even since mom had died. |
Since you always use mother and father you ought to continue.
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| It had seemed almost natural to Mitra that this become her room now. |
Suggestion: [...] that this should be her room now.
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| Aside from dusting it periodically, Mitra never touched it—it was the only thing in the apartment that still smelled of her. |
Aside means sideways. Perhaps: besides
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| Mitra began to fill the unearthed sack with clothes, all of them black, of course. |
Why black? Mourning for her mother?
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While the hidden case was open, she grabbed the dozen or so fake I.D.s she had purchased or forged, and the twelve datachips that held all the codes she had written, scythed, broken, or discovered over the years.
[...]
Mitra put all the d-chips and half the IDs in her pack, sliding the others into various pockets hidden about her person. |
Notice the periods and the lack of them in the second ‘IDs’. Try to keep them the same throughout. This also applies to d-chips: data-chips
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| Two of them she had downed already, and a third was tiring, as he had programmed them to do. |
I still think it weird for a robot to tire, why not surrender?
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| He had taught his adopted daughter everything he knew, and soon she would surpass even his talents. |
No need to repeat ‘his adopted daughter’ now that the reader knows.
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| At nearly five months pregnant, the slim, red-haired woman was only beginning to show signs that she would soon bring a second child—and a son this time—into the world. |
Five months already and she shows signs of being pregnant now? One of my aunts is three or four months pregnant and you can tell, so shouldn’t you be able to see the bump?
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| “Of course, Sharr,” said Latir, wrapping an arm around her daughter’s shoulders. “Don’t worry about those old dust-men, just wait another year or so and take the tests again.” |
You used dust-men again, which is good as it shows the expression is something a lot of people use.
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As usual I’ll get the review done by the end of chapter three. Sorry it has taken this long to complete.
One thing I will say is: use description! We have a lovely image of the skycars ‘following an invisible line’ but nothing on the skycars themselves.
Myth |
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gyrfalcon
now we must laud the heaven-kingdom's keeper
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| Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 2:26 pm Post subject: |
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You're fantastic!!! *hugs* Like I said, I can't integrate it immediately as I would like to, but in answer to your question about the "alien lover" look--it's not so much one of those things where she can sort of "read his mind," it's more like she's seen the look so often she just knows what it means. Does that make sense?
Thanks again, darling!!! |
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"I would take the song of the swan as my entertainment, the cry of the gannet and the call of the curlew in place of human laughter...storms would pound the rocky cliffs whilst the tern, icy-winged, answered them..." ~The Seafarer, 10th century |
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