Esmé
consider rephrasing
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 Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 7:55 pm Post subject: |
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Vernon,
First of all (again), sorry for the delay on your crit. I was supposed to have it done days ago. Yeah, well. I don’t know if I’ll be able to say anything constructive seeing as you already had swarms and swarms of awesome critter, and I only skimmed through them. Here it goes.
# 1 - Characters. Your character are, in my opinion, very well-written and had their own personalities. I really felt for your MC, Alexzander, but also for the minor characters. The audience had a lie of their own, too, and so you get top marks for characters.
# 2 - In this text there were a few awkward sentences. Those include improper use of a tense, some comma issues, using a lot of the same word (repetitive ‘she’, e.g., one after another, and then an extra one in the next sentence, too). Anyway, I’ll avoid quoting each and every sentence, lol, because that would be irritating both for you and me. Down here’ll be some examples, though my advice concerning the rest would be to read aloud some fragments. (P.S. These mostly include commas)
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Alexzander bowed several times and smiled, he knew that they all wanted him; it made him feel amazing, exhilarated a god among men.
He knew = knowing (that way it won’t be run on). Comma after exhilarated.
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His sister, Tea, stood on a smaller pillar grinning intently at him.
Comma before ‘grinning’
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He felt, not scared in the least as he felt the wind rushing through his whole body, then he felt his sisters grasp his hands and throw him on to platform she had been on
What's with the felt?
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Her voice faded and she stopped the embrace, Alexzander could hear no more under the ovation of the crowd.
Run-on as it is, add a linking word, e.g. ‘and’.
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“Don’t shoot too high my brother!
Comma
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“Well done my Soaring Yeasa’s!
Comma.
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“But Antio your children can really go far!
After ‘such’ expression, always comma.
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As the couple continued to splash in the puddles Antio swore he heard voices.
Comma.
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Why should he of been afraid?
Have?
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Tea you’re a weakling and always will be one!
Comma.
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Alex it’s not a competition! You don’t need to prove whose best.
Comma and whose = who’s
# 3 - Descriptions. They were absolutely fantastic, vivid and alive. The only thing I can be nitpicky about is you repeating some words like three times in only two sentences.
# 4 - Paragraphs. I decided to do a separate paragraph for this one, mostly because of the awe-inspiring chunk that you have near the beginning. It’s the only one that is so long, and it stands out not only visual-wise. At first glance, when the reader sees it, he or she just wants to skip it. Really. They even stop caring that they’ll miss something out, or that they won’t get to read such fantastic description. My advice to you is to split it. One ‘enter’, and everything’ll be fine.
# 5 Moments which could use more emotion. Your story flows wonderfully, and the characters are more or less brilliant, but at some points I feel a certain scene is done to quickly, that it is rushed. That the transfer between one emotion and the other is not smooth enough. That it’s just blunt, and in the negative sense of the word. An example of this is the conversation between the owners of the circus and Alexzander’s parents. I would like to see a more smooth transfer, and suggest adding more descriptions there, tags, emotions, body language, something of the sort. (The ending was good - just more through the conversation, and upon thinking about it a little longer, ignore what I said and add more facial expressions and general body language and everything’ll be awesome.
Also, the part where you have lots and lots (well, not so very lots) of dialogue, and no tags. Add at least some? Body language? (And no, this is not only me looking for more of those, no, not at all, no…)
# 6 Things that do not seem to fit into any category, but I’ll mention just because I’m a horrible, nitpicky crit who grumbles whatever you might do:
Quote:
Why was his sister worried about him falling when he was the indefinite shooting star?
I suppose it can be this way it truly can. I think, however, that expanding it wouldn’t be such a bad idea. I mean, I already know a lot about his character, and the sentence fits it, but it’s a little… blunt?
Quote:
They could really go places
I don’t understand this. At first I didn’t want to post it - cause it will probably turn out that I’m acting a bit stupid and this is just some weird English thingy - but then if it can be as it is, you’ll be nice and PM me with its meaning. (also, the chuckle after it: lower case, and comma before the ending quotes)
# 7 Multiple POVs - I think that was a really good idea, generally.
# 8 Plot. I’ve probably said this already (it really is late) but - very nice. Your story really drew me in - it did, really.
Okay, so that is the end of my critique on chapter one : ) If I said something weird (it is quite late, and I might have said some stupid things…), or if you have any questions - PM me.
Cheers,
Esme |
_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy |
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Golney
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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| for she had told him many times she loved feeling of hair flying |
thefeeling
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| He felt, not scared in the least as he felt the wind rushing through his whole body, then he felt his sisters grasp his hands and throw him on to platform she had been on. |
This sentence is clumsy. Consider rephrasing it. You say he felt three times in this sentence, in reads something like he felt that he felt, which is clunky. Replace the comma before the word then with a period.
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| then while the trapeze still moved |
I would replace with while the trapeze still swung, since my suggestion is more specific. Still, it may just be a matter of preference.
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| She swung a few more times on the trapeze, then she leapt back on to her column |
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| “Tea, we are worshipped like gods; why should we fear?... |
I don't think acrobats are worshipped, or even really respected much, for that matter. Still, it's your story, you can do what you want. I think Alexzander is deluded, though you may have intended to bring that point across to the reader.
I didn't even get half-way through, as I have to go to artclass right now. I'll complete my review when I get back. As of right now, I suspect that Alex's is gonna be slapped in the face right now, but I'll just see how the story plays out. |
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Golney
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 05 Dec 2007
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Reviews: 16
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 5:56 pm Post subject: |
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***UPDATE
Okay, I'm back from art class, so I'll consumate the review.
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| “Don’t shoot too highcomma my brother! Eventually shooting stars burn out.” |
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| “Well donecomma my Soaring Yeasa’s! Antio, Melissa, your children have amazing skill. They could really go placescomma” chuckled the man in the dazzling red costume. In his hand he held a whip and his sleek, black top hat. |
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“Nocomma sorry, it can’t.”
“Very well,” he repliedcomma unlocking the door. |
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"Father, its Alexzander. It scares me how he never [/b]seems[/b] afraid during ‘Blind Luck’. I have to ask, were you afraid father?”
“What do you mean by what? Do you mean this night, as I watched, or when I preformed it?” queried the man. |
<I continued to spot grammatical errors as I read the piece, but I stopped reprimanding them. Go back and revise, and check out Strunk and White's Elements of Style when you get the chance.>
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| Why should he [b]have been afraid |
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| For God's sakecomma, I think they have so much potential! |
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| Alexzander begun to pour his milk into one of the glasses when Tea interrupted, making him spill some onto the table. He growled. |
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